Wordless Wednesday: Winter Wonderland

The view from my front window today.

How unexpected...

I just popped into my blogger account to maybe write something. I have 10020 page views. It's a little odd. I wouldn't have expected that to happen for a couple of months. I don't know what caused the surge, because it's not evident that it was one post getting super hit. Crazy. And so much more exciting that any thing I was going to force myself to talk about :)

Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!

Okay, soooooo, this is a bit how I feel, what I feel like saying lately in certain conversations.

This could also be called Asperger's is the new ADHD, but you probably wouldn't have looked at then.

I have a sometimes boisterous

son. I hesitate to ever say my kids are intelligent to other people, because other people just assume I am slightly biased. He is not a bad kid, and that is not a trumped up denial. Some days though, OMG, I can't do it. I can't handle him. He seems so over the top it's ridiculous.

It came up in conversation at the grocery a couple of weeks ago, and the cashier offered that maybe he has Asperger's. Holy expletive deleted hell! Why would you say something like to someone? Two complete strangers have made similar comments.

I also have a sixteen year old daughter. She to some end was less intense than her brother is sometimes, but she still had her moments. When she was his age though, any kid who was the least bit fidgety ADD, ADHD. That was always what people armchair diagnosed. The only time that ever really came up with her was when we were out with some girlfriends of mine and she was misbehaving. Not horribly, just climbing under and around the table and being a show-off. Like most parents, I made the mistake of asking her what was wrong with her. You know the sentence and the tone, we've all gotten it from our exasperated parents at some point. "I have ADD!" she laughed and crawled back under the table.

It is not my intent to take away from or upset those of yinz out there who are dealing with the diagnosis. I know it's out there, and I know it's a bitch to deal with some days. I just hate that there are people out there who are such expletive deleted parents that rather than take the time to pull themselves away from their own ego that they would rather choose the convenience of pumpin' their kid's developing brain full of drugs.

It really bothers me that anyone would feel comfortable diagnosing my son with Asperger's without a medical license. What's worse is that the things about my son that are challenging to me...they aren't even symptoms of Asperger's...or ADHD for that matter...they are symptoms of an under-stimulated boy who had too much rope.  I know this because his daddy and I cracked the whip so to speak and he has responded. If he had these other issues, we'd still be where we were, if not more, frustrated with him.

Discipline is hard expletive deleted work. We have been on the older one, and not even at full strength for the past two or three years. Now this with the boy. Such energy, such enthusiasm, such willful disregard!

I guess all I am saying is before YOU go and start armchair diagnosing people because you feel your over 2000 viewing hours of Dr.Phil and The Doctors make you feel somehow qualified to offer unsolicited medical advise. DON'T! Bold. Italics. Underline. DON'T! Compassion has nothing to do with your opinion. Compassion to some degree just means you say this is none of my business, I hope everything is okay, I am thinking of you. Southerners have this covered in one simple phrase,"Bless His Heart". Easy enough. It really is. And I wish I knew why people felt like they need to make situations worse by offering their opinions.

There is nothing wrong with either of my kids. They are kids and they act accordingly. Maybe if you felt better about yourself, you wouldn't feel so inclined to judge mine. I am just sayin' there's something to be said for a little understanding. I mean if I feel this passionate about being asked if my kid had Asperger's and he doesn't...imagine how hurt you've just made the Mom of a kid who does. A kid she loves with all her heart. Her kids...any kid...is every bit as wonderful as their parents, their family, their village say they are and you're a dick to suggest otherwise.

So unless you are clinically or theologically trained...don't try to fix people. Just love them. Accept them as you wish you were accepted.

Amen.

All I want for Christmas is a dashboard camera.

I am not kidding. I wish I was but I am not. I noticed this phenomena awhile ago but tonight, oh tonight made me realize the necessity of a good dashboard camera.

If you are going to insist on coasting rather than braking, then eventually you will get rear-ended. I have been noticing this little trend for awhile. I blame the "Econ" mode, the hypermiling, possibly straight-up ignorance, down right shameful stupidity.

See my friends, there is a definite and distinct difference between a mere tail light and a brake light. In case you were unaware when you press your brake pedal it illuminates the brake light thus allowing the drive behind you to make the appropriate adjustments. I would rather be behind someone riding their brakes than someone who seems to not know what that horizontal pedal is for.

I am not trying to be overly cranky but I went out by Dayton Mall tonight. The drive out was easy. Thank God, Mad River is open. I don't think people know this because getting through Mad River and Alex Bell was a breeze. I expect traffic. I wasn't born yesterday and despite my best efforts, I don't live under a rock. There was traffic, and I know how to maneuver traffic. The problem came on the way home.

I took 675 home. Off at 48, no biggie until I realized I was behind one of those non-brakers. I gave them the benefit of the doubt at first. Maybe I wasn't seeing correctly. To be fair, some modern taillight configurations and light sources play havoc on my eyes. By the time we passed Elsa's though, I started thinking about this dashboard camera.

"Assured Clear Distance" is like the three most evil words in the English language. I started thinking about how if I rear-ended this j-hole then I'd be the one in trouble. Traffic was heavy. I was doing five under most of the time, and partly because I realized that the guy in front of me was incapable of braking properly. His brake lights did work, but the only time he used them was to turn onto Brookmont. C'mon folks, I am no physics genius but even I know that if I am coasting downhill it might not give the appropriate appearance to other drivers that my intention is to slow down and possibly stop.

I have noticed it a lot. Like I said, I think some of the fuel efficiency features on newer cars have made people forget about the world past their shiny dashboard. I don't care if you are getting 99.9 mpg when you do it and I know that you won't either when I slam full force into the back of your vehicle.

So, yeah, dashboard camera so that in the event I do slam into a brake deficient person I can show evidence that they had not indicated that they were stopped. Would it hold up? I don't know. In lieu of that, I am just going to slowly become one of those weirdos who doesn't drive because other people are so unpredictable.

No, no, no that won't actually happen. More than likely, I will just become like my grandma and saying things like," That's a shame, you spent so much money on the car you couldn't afford to add on brake lights." and a lot of other things that aren't postable from a polite society perspective.

If I can't have a dashboard camera, then Santa could you please see to it that all the decelerating but not braking people in the world have a horrible nightmare where they wake up in a cold sweat and vow to ride their brakes 'til it hurts. Nothing to psycholigically damaging, just enough of a jolt with enough physics and Troma effects to make someone rethink their fear of the brake pedal.

18 Days Until Christmas...roughly...

I am guessing. I am too lazy to count it out. It hardly seems like anytime at all really.

I have really been busy. I have inadvertently done a lot of my shopping online. Plus, the only one Santa is filling a stocking for is the boy. I love doing the stocking thing but I tend to go overboard. So, I asked my daughter if her feelings would be hurt if she didn't get a stocking and she looked at me like she has been waiting for that question for years. So there's some time and money saved.

I am not really in the spirit yet. This weather certainly isn't helping. I don't know what my problem is. I got to go to a "hanging of the greens" service on Sunday and that's like one of my favorite Christmas things. The boy saw Santa on Monday. I've boxed up like 50 gifts of goodies with a ton more to do tomorrow and possibly Saturday. Still. I don't know. I'm just not feeling the cheer this year.

I still have a number of gifts to pick up. Usually, I am all over it. It's not even the matter of the "perfect gift" I can't even think of anything to get folks. I pretty much have the people in my house done. They sorta easy really but past that I haven't a clue. If money were no object, I'd probably be done. If I didn't actually care about what I gave people, I would be done. If I could just get a big cup of Yuletide cheer, I am sure I'd be in a wrapping frenzy.

So, eighteen days to get my butt in gear, huh? It will surely be a Christmas miracle. I am not kidding.

Any suggestions to help me get on my mistletoe?

Revamp or reinvent or maybe just relax

A few weeks ago I had this unintentional brainstorm of ideas, and I was gung-ho...well as gung-ho as I get...about it.

If you don't know me on Facebook, then you are not aware that I am "Unemployed by Virtue of my Esoteric Awesomeness" I am not that awesome, it just helps deflect the pain of perpetual rejection by the "work" world. A few days after I posted that I started my little seasonal gig which doesn't at all suck or really even feel like work. That little gem set a fire in my brain aka the aforementioned brainstorming.

The only way that I am going to get a regular thing like that for myself is if I make it myself. Gulp. Scary. I don't know if I am up for something like that. Seems complicated. Plus, I need more support than a pair of 80 year old double Ds. I am more than a little shattered in the esteem department. Sigh.

In the midst of all this daydreaming, as I was trolling the internet and all it's various outlets, a name came to me. The most awesomesauce and appropriate name in the world...or something like that. No one is using any form of this name as far as I can tell. There is something unique left to conquer on the internet, can you believe it?!

So there's where the revamping comes in, everything refocused under one umbrella of an identity that actually suits me. It is an idea that seems boundless to me. The boundlessness scares me. At this point, there is no indication to me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel-vision or if is me imploding into a black-hole of my own design.

I could just iris in on what I have got and make it all work. It's a weird combination of escalation of commitment and internet optimization that leads me that way. There's much less work in reworking something.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I really don't even fully know what I would be doing. I am kind of working under a whole "if you build it, they will come" delusion. So, yeah, that's sound. Shrug. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I am kind of a klutz so it isn't guaranteed that I'd get anywhere.

Do nothing. Relax. It's the way I am leaning but even that has it's downside. I relax myself out of the whirlwind of excitement and eventually talk myself out of whatever good idea I thought I had. Right now, though, it's more of a not acting from a place of chaos. I'll keep babystepping but I am not going to get obsessive. The ideas have merit. I, however, do not have 24 hours a day to do my own bidding.

Who knows, maybe I can do both. As in keep this little blog up under this title and do my thing under the other and who knows what is in store. I don't. If I did I wouldn't be writing this and feeling all amorphous. (<< That my friends is why popularity eludes me, when was the last time you heard them drop "amorphous" on TMZ of the X factor?)

Don't get me wrong, I am still working on my ark. I just don't think I have the right set of plans yet. No more going half-cocked and building sinking ships. I need a sturdy ship because I still have quite a ways to journey in this life.

Wasting Time: The Story of My Life

So, I have just wasted a large amount of time arranging a photo book because I had an email for a free one. I failed to notice that the email was lacking a code and the date was kinda jinkie. Plus, we are about an hour over the deadline because quite honestly the My Publisher software really is not so user friendly. Seriously, would get to points and wonder where certain pics had gone only to have to relocate them on the hard drive.

It's not like it was a Christmas gift. The bad news is that I have been pouring myself into for the last several hours because it was going to be a gift for my husband on the occasion of our fifth wedding anniversary. No wait, the bad news is that because of who I am, I now feel compelled to create this little book myself in a much more fantabulous and albeit probably more expensive manner.

I probably won't though. How could I manage to create it and keep it secret all at the same time? We do live together after all.

Sigh.

It is a little upsetting. I could have been sleeping. Heck, I still need a shower.

I sometimes feel like this is the story of my life. I put a lot of work and heart into something only to have the whole thing blown by some strange circumstance. I'd really kind of like to think that I am exaggerating a little bit. But then I'd also like to think that it is my couch that is uncomfortable and not the fact that I have been sitting here working on a failed project for two hours.

I can't in good faith pay for it, because given the trouble I've had to this point I don't trust that it would come out as designed. It's not entirely wasted time either I suppose. I've just looked at six years worth of pictures. Well, what I could find. 2009 seems to be missing but then that was the year of never-ending sorrow (or something like that). I couldn't even find Christmas pictures. It would have been our last Christmas at the little house. Things were some what less harrowing by Christmas, surely they are around here somewhere.

Maybe someday all this mud will dry out and my wheels can actually get some traction.

G'night friends, I am going to hit the showers and contemplate why bad websites happen to good people.

So, what ark aren't you building?

I know.  I know. I don't post for a whole month and then when I do post it's got a weird title. What ark aren't you building, yep, it's a reference to Noah...and his ark which he apparently spent 120 years building while everyone looked at him like he was, er, a little crazy.

I am asking this because I am asking myself this.

To be honest, I have been in something of the Port-o-Jon of life lately. My self-esteem. My confidence. "My ability to deal rationally with my disconcerted precarious emotional situation." So many factors and facets and shrug...I don't know. I get discouraged very easily any more. I don't expect life to be easy but this latest round of butt-whoopins has been more than I can take. I know I am not very much fun to be around lately. It's not my intention. It's just how things are working out lately.

So, anyway, while I was working on Friday (it's really still today to me but I don't want to get too confusing) I started thinking about something. It's one of those thoughts that has come up before. A bad penny of a thought you might say, and it's really starting to look like my ark. The specificity of it might as well be in cubits. But it's nothing I know anything about so I don't even know what the hey I am supposed to do with any of it.

Plus, this  whole idea makes me think a little bit of "Lollilove" and it kinda makes me wonder if it isn't just a little idealistic. Oh, but then I just see such a bigger picture. And the what-ifs start rolling in. And just how possibly explosive the appeal of it might be. Oh my gosh.

Sigh.

Maybe I should just start working on the things that come to me...repeatedly. Maybe you should too. Maybe immediate gratification, immediate acknowledgement, immediate glory isn't what you (or I) need to keep persevering. Maybe it is 120 years of hard work and seeming a little off. I don't know. I really don't. If I did, I probably would be doing something more worthwhile with my time.

My dampened spirits are making it hard for me to really live anymore. Maybe I need to start working on this idea and trusting that I will all come to fruition as it is envisioned. It certainly is as monumental of a task as building an ark. I don't have to collect animals, but it would involve a lot of human interaction. I am willing...if I could keep my "pragmatic" mind out of the equation.

So while I wrestle with this...what is YOUR ark? What thing keeps reoccurring to you to do? What is your calling that you keep shrugging off because it seems too hard, too arduous, too long a time frame?

Tis the season for thanksgiving and gratitude...

So, yesterday everyone started posting their gratitudes for the world to see. I am thankful for...or 30 days of thanks challenge...or some other cleverness. I'd really like to see people extend that 30 day challenge into a 365 day challenge. I haven't posted anything but it doesn't mean I haven't given credit where credit is due. I am sort of getting away from wanting the public adulation for my deepest most inner thoughts. (Ironic that I posted that in a blog, ain't it!?) 

The snarky side of me sees gratitude and thankful as two over and oft misused words. I'll be grateful when I warm up. I'll be thankful if I just get through dinner. I am appreciative of the fact that they finally built a Subway in my neighborhood. I'll be glad when the kids are grown. Pleased. Beholden. Indebted. I am no thesaurus but all the synonyms are meant to express appreciation.

Grateful and grace come from the same Latin root. By grace, I am referring to the unearned, unconditional, unending love from God. It is this writer's humble opinion that you can not have one without the other. I am grateful for learning that over the past year. Probably not something that people would expect from me. It is, honestly, probably why I hadn't jumped on the bandwagon yet in adding my gratitude feed to the cyberworld. It's how I feel, but I have no desire to have to defend myself against those snarkier than I. (See also previous comment about getting away from the public forum.)

 

Maybe how you land isn't as important as where you land

Kitty coloring page from http://www.raisingourkids.com

How are you this fine rainy Friday?

So, if you don't know, yesterday, I arrived at work and my badge had been disabled. Apparently, all the temp contracts had been cancelled. I commented on Facebook that I was going to be the cat who lands on her feet.

It may have been adrenaline or denial talking, I am not sure. I don't feel so sleek and cat-like this afternoon. I feel quite a bit like my old dog the day he got so scared of a thunderstorm he got his head stuck in between steps trying to escape. Fearful and erratic are never a good combination.

Ironically, I got asked to come back to that job this morning in an email...but under completely different hours and days. I appreciate that I was referred to as a superstar, but if you remember I am also a diva, so I politely declined. In all truthfulness, the schedule just wouldn't work for me and my hardcore wife and mother lifestyle. So, yay I am a superstar!

I also had an interview this morning. Just picture me with an exasperated I can't really say nothing nice face shaking my head. They could have asked me those questions over the phone and save me the trip downtown. I am a little salty I overfed the meter but I do hope someone pulled and was able to reap that small victorious feeling one gets when they find a meter with a lot of time left on it.

I am completely lacking in the motivation to do anything right now. It's Friday. I don't want to work too hard. Plus, I'd be better off to wait 'til Monday to look again at the job postings anywhere. I don't even know where to start with the housework as I do not currently own a good flame-thrower. I've got a kid home sick. It's cold. It's rainy. Headache. Shoulder pain. Whine. Pffft. Sigh.

The only thing I know for sure is that I am making chicken tacos tonight. It's the only thing I am excited about right now. I want to make 'em with all the accouterments. Chicken. Cheese. Beans. Onions. Olives. Peppers. I want a whole little taco bar on my table.

I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall. I am not devastated about the job, but it is an inconvenience.I sort of had a suspicion that we were just pawns in a game. I am making contacts, so it's only a matter of time before I find something...or nothing. As long as things are taken care of, it's not a big deal. So right now, yeah, it's a pretty big deal with my husband and I alternatingly flipping out. If we can keep out meltdowns on an alternate schedule we won't completely lose it.

I am alright with the free fall if I land where I should be. I don't care if it's on all fours with the grace of a cat. I've never been all that graceful. No one talks about your perfect landings anyway. Also, I wouldn't want to bounce right back if where ever I bounce is just a shinier version of where I came from. I can  make a mean shredded chicken, and if I have to chose between a smooth landing and the tacos...I'll take the tacos.

I am no one in particular and I approved this message

I can not wait until Election Day. (Mental note: move from a swing state before 2016.)

I had shared this on my personal Facebook page. Not necessarily because it bears repeating, but honestly I am surrounded by people on a daily basis that are of a different...er...um...opinion, yeah, opinion than me.

There are a very limited number of people that I will openly discuss politics with. I, like the Victorians, do not deem politics to be polite dinner conversation. Personally, and this is just my opinion, it is...in the grand scheme of things...irrelevant. Life goes on. It really does. I mean, in all my voting life. My vote has never counted. My candidate has never won. My voting pattern has changed because I have changed. In all but the first presidential election I could vote in, my vote was a dud.

Ironically, although I say my voting pattern has changed, if you trace my voting history back to the Weekly Reader polls of grade school fame, one might say I have returned to my roots. It's just an observation. I am not a card-carrying member of any political organization. I am on the books in my great state registered as a third-party supporter. By the next primary, who knows what I'll be!

It's ugly out there. It really is. I have on more than one occasion feigned that I was contemplating becoming a Jehovah's Witness because they are not politically minded. Plus, with all my direct sales experience I'd be a pro at bothering people with what I am selling. (In his biography, Dave Mustaine, who was raised Jehovah's Witness, likened it to something of a MLM-type of religion.) In all seriousness, I get the whole not of this world ideal that fuels that non-voting behavior. I have a lot more respect for that then the disgruntled "the system is flawed, man" non-voters. So, I guess, in some reality I am only half-joking about joining up.

I have been spending a lot of time with people who do not view the world as I do, and it just makes me sad. I have come to realize that if you dropped out or mentally checked out of high school before 12th grade then you have completely missed the economics/civics/government portion of your education (such as it is). I can do pretty well with numbers 1 and 2 above, but number 3...wooooowheeeeeeeeeeee!

So, now, I do what I always do when I don't want to offend or wound, I offer this distraction: THE WORLD'S SMALLEST POLITICAL QUIZ. When I first took this quiz, I think I was 22 or so, and was surprised at the results. Surprised and resistant, but as my other friend's who took it felt it was "dead-on" I explored what exactly my result meant. I re-take this periodically, for fun...yes, I am just that weird...and my result as shifted as I have aged but I am no longer surprised.

See, and that's the thing about your political views, they are shaped by your experience. My experience has been a boot-strapping good-time for lack of a better explanation. I am not hard-hearted, I am just a bitch that knows that nothing is impossible if you work for it. On a statistical basis, I believe I should be typing to you from a trailer/meth lab. And past that, really, there is a lot of my human experience, that I am not comfortable sharing with other people. Too many ravenous wolves ready to shred and discredit your life into a string of juvenile diatribes.

I'll be glad when the election is over. I don't really care at this point which way it goes because of the two options that are in the mainstream, I am not really sure they are the answer or solve anything. I, also, I don't know, I don't worry about all that. I really don't. Life goes on. Like I said, in all but one of the presidential elections that I have voted in, my candidate lost. It was disappointing for a day or two or four years, but the sum total of it's effect on my life is really negligible.

Variety is the spice of life. It's unfortunate that too many of us are giant children about it all and lose sight of the things that are important in life. Truthfully, I can not control the political climate any more than I can the weather, so why waste my life worrying about whether or not it's going to rain!

Happy Birthday..to me!

Cupcakes from Ashley's...yum...however, not my cupcakes...boo!

I don't believe that I have ever written a birthday post to myself.

So, today is my third twelfth birthday plus one.   Yeah, hmm, what to say what to say.

First, those cupcakes on the left were my daughter's "sweet sixteen" cupcakes. So, I will not be enjoying their deliciousness today. I do not know what this birthday has in store for me besides my husband's mention of taking me to Figlio. That excites me because I do like the ambiance there and the food is good. It's been awhile since I've been there, so this is good.

Being 12 x 3 + 1 is just odd. I don't know, there is that whole line of I always thought that I would have really done so much more, something different, not sucked as much...by now. I have three years until anyone actually cares about my birthday. Of course, by cares, I mean it's is a birthday milestone in which people will come out of the woodwork with death imagery and snarky comments about my tits. Just sayin'

I still think hands down, my sixteenth birthday is winning the best birfday ever award, and the includes the clogged toilet fiasco. And really, that's just because I can't remember what age I was on other super awesome occasions. The first would be when Alice took me to Joker's and then we met up with my brother at Therapy. Another would be with my brothers that fateful night when The Right Corner was apparently wrong and we spent some much needed bonding time at Southern Belle. You know it's a good time when three grown adults pull up to their parents house a little before 5a and are freaked out because the old man will be getting up for work and their will be hell to pay. Then, there's birthday 2006, I went to Red Lobster with this dude I'd been seeing for about a week. He brought me a rose but then the end of the night was kind of weird. If he hadn't married me, would I remember it as well? Oh and then as married folks going to Funny Bone and getting my cup autographed...not that anyone will believe me since Josh Blue did the signing and CP has a funny way of looking like anyone could do it.  Those are just a couple, but really I have tons of wonderful birthday memories. Oh, and then my surprise party last year

If it wasn't for my friends and family, I would just let this day go by. I know people might now believe it but if it were just me I probably would do nothing. I am just not that into myself. I want to be, but I just can't do it.

I have always tried not to get bogged down by my numbers. Lately though, I have been keenly aware of my mortality and it really doesn't help. Keenly aware of where I have and haven't been. Cognizant of the fact that realistically I could be a grandma in the next five years. And somehow, in all of these notions, painfully aware of all I have not done.

Crazy, crazy birthdays. I have oft wondered if mine didn't hit so close before the busy holidays if I could be less existential about them. My birthday has always been the gateway to the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's always been birthday, Halloween, chaos.

Soo, woooo, happy birthday to me! May it always, ALWAYS be on Boss's or Sweetest Day, and may it always seem somewhat awkward and anti-climatic.

I know, I suck. But it's my birthday, so boo ya!

Okay, so, I am still not back on track but hey...

Art by Lisa Patrick Wright.
Photo by Daniel Reibert.

So, yeah, still completely widdershins in all aspects of life. I have been chipping away at the house, the laundry, the dishes today but honestly it feels like I have to accept this as the new normal.

It's not entirely true. We've had some interesting issues the past week that have caused a huge backlog of dirty dishes. I heart an older house, I really do. I, however, do not heart plumbing issues. That seems to be the flavor of the month here. First, it was the upstairs toilet. Then, the downstairs sink. And finally, at least it damn well better be the final thing, we had to replace the water heater at our rental. Fun. Fun.

In the meantime, the job I switched to took all of one shift to get on my last nerve and all of two to stay there. No worries, I already have something else lined up. I am starting to feel like there should be some Quantum Leap rip-off voice-over with me and jobs: Theorizing that one could find a job that didn't suck in her own lifetime, Jenny Wolfe hopped in her car, accelerated and took a right at the Speedway. She arrived at her job assignment to find herself trapped in a position, facing mistakes that were not her own and driven by an unknown force to change her resume for the better...and hoping each time that the next leap will be the leap home. 

Not ungrateful, not moaning, complaining...it's just not for me. It has nothing to do with the post last week about the person whom I pray I never actually run into and everything to do with perhaps finally seeing that maybe I haven't wanted enough for myself. Granted, this next leap, is into something seasonal and manual but at least it buys me some time. Time for what, I don't know. It's complicated.

So, if you remember, I had posted a couple of time about the SK8 of the Art show to benefit The Dayton Skatepark Project. The closing show was this past weekend and I am pleased to report that one of my raffle tickets was a winner! I won the board that was designed and painted by Lisa Patrick Wright. Definitely a bright spot in some of the ickiness of the past several days.

I don't know which way to go. I have ideas and whatnot, but execution is proving tricky. I am tired, tired enough that I lack the motivation to do the things I like...like this blog and the enpde stuff...and I hate that because not being motivated to be happy is--um, well, it's one of those warning signs. I guess today, I am going to leap back into getting this laundry folded and just see what unfolds after that. Maybe it's just not time for me to fully unleash my awesomeness on the world or maybe I am not as awesome as I previously thought. At any rate, I am okay with it either way. I just need to know which way so I can get a decent night sleep.

~twma~

Sk8 of the Art: Closing Show 10/13/12

You may remember that I posted about the Sk8 of the Art Show a couple of weeks back. The closing show is this weekend at 7pm (I think) atDecoy - art boutique - studio, 1277 N Fairfield Rd., Beavercreek, Ohio, 45432

I didn't make the opener but the pictures look like I missed a good time. I should be at the closer, unless my extreme slackerness gets the better of me.  

Connect with them online at https://www.facebook.com/thedaytonskateparkproject

When I Was Cruel...

One day last week, I woke up with this insane urge to listen to "Spooky Girlfriend" by Elvis Costello. If you know me at, this is actually normal behavior. I believe that 90% of my brain capacity is lyrics.

As luck would have it, I own When I Was Cruel, so I dug it out and have now been some what obsessively listening to it for about a week now.  The song above is fully titled "When I Was Cruel, No. 2" After all the fuss about "Spooky Girlfriend", it was actually "When I Was Cruel, No. 2" that I started the CD off with. (Yes, CD because I don't have time or desire to rip my CDs.)

Now, I have owned this CD since it came out in 2002. It was a first round purchase, meaning I didn't wait 'til I happened to find it at Second Time Around. I don't make many purchases like that. I have the vaguest recollection of listening to it solid for several weeks. And why wouldn't I?

As luck would have it, I attended a wedding recently and some of the imagery in the song struck me as scene's from this wedding. Now, ten years ago, I probably loved this song purely on craftsmanship. There's nothing really in these lyrics that would have resonated with me then...the way it does now.

I only share this with you folks because today I saw someone whom I'd rather not see in any way, shape, form, business, pleasure, whatever. I think that the obsession with this album was some cosmic preparation for that glimpse. See, this person whom I would rather not see or hear or speak to or about...apparently works at the same place that I am currently on a temp assignment.

I kept thinking about how much I have changed. How the "cruel" Jenny would have reacted. I had texted my husband the discovery, and he immediately texted back to ask if that meant I would be quitting. It's not a joke, he knows me when with this person. It's a big place. It's not a big deal...as long as I never have to actually interact with this person. It is what it is. I don't know that it could ever change because there's such a cataclysmic breech of trust that---yeah, I probably wouldn't believe this person if they walked up and told me their name.

Life was easier when I was cruel. I miss it sometimes. It's so much easier than this alternative. All this work. Geesh!

So in my most cryptic moment to date, I'd like to dedicate "Alibi" to Ms. Jackson, I am for real because "I love you as much as I hate your guts" Sorry friends, some things just are what they are and will always be...
You know I never had a pony either, but I turned out okay. Go figure!

Super Slacker Update

Yeah, as of thirty seconds ago, I declared myself to be Super Slacker. I have fifteen minutes until I leave for work and I have been "wasting" it reading another blog: The Church of No People. The last couple of posts there really resonate with me right now. Timely in a personal way, I guess.

Super Slacker fits, even though admittedly, the slack is derived from this wacky schedule I have been working the past month or so. I usually have two hours in the morning to get things done. That's really not a lot of time. Then, on the back end, I come home, eat, spend sometime with the fam and find myself going to bed. Now, if I were on a 9to5 schedule, the time I go to bed on this schedule would equate to going to bed sometime between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  It's less than favorable. Nothing gets done and come to think of it I do miss me some Jeopardy!

Only a few more days and I am switching everything, company, schedule, and hopefully attitude. Despite all of my delusions of slack and lack, I have learned over the past several weeks a lot of things about myself that I don't even have time to post right now.

I have a bunch of work doodles for retooling the site a bit. I can only be me. I only really want to be me, and so I have to trim a few things. I am excited. I just need to bushwhack the safari that my house has become and a few other "housekeeping" sort of things before I get back to blogging.

Have a happy Tuesday!

SK8 of the Art: The Dayton SK8 Park Project

Work in Progress by Daniel M. Reibert.
Available through the SK8 of the Art raffle

Once upon a time, there was a group by the name of SK8 D8N. They secured a location and set to working on their dream. Unfortunately, outside of the dream world other people can really muck up a dream. Despite hardwork and heart, Shampoo went out out of existence.

Luckily, that dream did not die. Luckily, the people involved believe in the project enough to keep on keeping on. Eventually, the Dayton Skatepark Project came into play. This project seeks to renovate dead public space into something useful..something used and valued in the community.

Soo...this is the part where I will seem to regress 20 years. Skateboarding is not a crime. I don't really understand where the criminalization of skateboarders came into play. It's a bunch of dudes and chicks using a board strapped to some wheels to have a good time and pull some tricks. There is skill involved. There is dedication. There is devotion. There are still way to few places where folks can legally hone their craft.

It is a craft. A skill. An art. Not everyone can get out there and shred. I personally have no skill at it, but I do admire those who can. I think too often people use there misunderstandings of the culture to down play the sport and the value of the sport. The aim of the Dayton Skatepark Project is to utilize spaces that have gone---well, let's be honest ABANDONED!! The aim of the Dayton Skatepark Project is to breathe new life into underutilized, unloved, abandoned place. The project on some level has the approval but lacks the funds.

The SK8 of the ART show is a fundraiser for the Dayton Skatepark Project. It will showcase one of a kind designs from local artist as part of the raffle. In addition, there are a few local businesses that are supporting the raffle with donations. The Opening Show September 29 w/ The Dirty Socialites @ 9:3o. The show is being held at

Decoy - art boutique - studio, 1277 N Fairfield Rd., Beavercreek, Ohio, 45432

The closing show will be October 13 and feature Paige Beller.

If you are in the area, please take time to support them not only on Facebook but also at the show and by buying a raffle ticket or five. If you are out of the area, please like them and contact them to see what you can do and how you could replicate their efforts in your own community!

The Invisible War - Screening in Bradford, Ohio on October 20, 2012

The funny thing about the internet...at least the way I approach the internet...is that connections can be made that you wouldn't normally make. I am not afraid of internet strangers, so my Facebook page I have a few friends of friends that I have never met along with perfect strangers.

One of those friends, one day started posting about MST. Now, I knew right off, it wasn't Mystery Science Theatre, because even that isn't even close to as interesting as the personal story that was unfolding before me. I knew that she has been in the service. I could have never imagined that she had been the victim of Military Sexual Trauma.

She shared her story. Her complete story which I read in disbelief. She had connected with others and is now part of a group planning a huge rally for MST survivors. As part of this effort, she has been able to get a special screening of The Invisible War  which chronicles the epidemic of rape and sexual abuse in the US military. It will be shown at Bradford High School, 750 Railroad Ave, Bradford, OH 45308 on Saturday, October 20, 2012 at 2:00pm.The event is free to the public but they will be taking donations for an MST survivor rally slated for Spring 2013.

The statistics about MST are mind blowing. I hope that you can come out to support my friend and her work in getting this movie shown. 

Proverbs 3:5 Induced Insomnia

Kind of a hairy day. Not dreadful, just not ideal. Just stuff. OMG, yeah, actually there's a better stronger word for it. Plus, I need to go to the dentist and to say I hate the dentist is an understatement of the highest caliber. No good ever comes from the dentist AND it doesn't come cheaply either.

Dentist aside. Yeah, felt more than a little run down by the time I got home. I am heavy. My husband is heavy, but not as much as he had been earlier. He's been talking to people and praying and so he feels better. He said something, I don't remember what. Too much mental noise. Something about not worrying or something along those lines.

So there I am almost two hours ago now, laying on the bed, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom, sort of dozing when something pops into my head:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.

It sort of rattled around a few minutes, and then I finally had to break down and see where it was from. I never was good at remembering chapter and verse, just the text. Lucky for me, I guess, that I have my Bible on my dresser. (I always wonder if that is surprising to people. Not only that I own one, but that it's on my dresser by my bed. And just for the record, I own two, the other is well, in the, er, reading room lol) Anyway, so it takes me no time to find it read it. Read all of Proverbs 3, and then decide to kick my husband out of the bathroom.

Leaning on my own understanding, presupposes that I grasp what is going on. But the rub is, I don't know how to trust in anything with all my heart. I don't think that I have ever known how to do something like that. I am actually quite jealous of people who have that unencumbered faithful trust. It just always seems like such a chill place to be.

There is a totally funny video in all of this. A little rip-off of an old cough syrup commercial. I can't remember which one...Nyquil seems the most logical...could be wrong. My line would be something like,"He turned it all over to God now he's up there sleeping like a baby! Humph!" And then I would dramatically roll over.

How do you do it? How to you trust that whatever is happening is something more than a cataclysmic downward spiral that ends in death? I know, it seems dramatic, but seriously I can only go so far with assuring myself and others that whatever it is...it's not the end of the world. I do not do so well with the arguments that it's all part of a plan on some days. Shrug. It's way to much to get into in one post.

Trust. It's my biggest issue. I don't know how to overcome that. It seems quite a hurdle this far into the game. Yeah, definitely trust because I know I have made tremendous strides in the whole not leaning on my own understanding department. Not enough though, I guess, because otherwise, I'd be up there sleeping like a baby instead sitting down here trying to problem-solve my existence.

Well, the best news is that I decompressed enough to be ready to crawl back into bed without pondering the Old Testament all night so that's something, right?

Movement in Still Life: New Lease on Life

Wanna talk crazy Saturday action? This girl has been up since 4:15AM! It wasn't some weird insomnia thing either. I woke up. I felt rested. I said to myself I have a ton of paperwork to do, maybe I can do it now and then can actually spend time with the family today. I am pretty smart sometimes.

So, yeah, between 4:15 and about 7 I did pages and pages of paperwork that I needed to do for what I am currently deeming a super secret reason. And by secret, I just mean that I'm going to wait until after they run the background check to announce any changes to my current playbook ;)

I am learning to love the term "leased worker". I have had regular, permanent, full-time positions and I think I would still prefer that in some ways. But in that sort of status, no one hires you just on the basis of your resume. At least, that's never happened to me in all my working years.

Lol, so,yeah, I guess I can't even keep my own secrets, can I?

What weird, wonderful week this has shaped up to be!

After this particular recruiter contacted me, I had 8 others contact me about the very same position. I sloughed it off as side effect of the line of business the position is in and well, yes, on paper I do look awesome. Then the recruiter called to say they were starting to accept people on the basis of their resume only, was I still interested. Sure, why not. I never would have imagined that she would call me back in less than an hour to say that I had been accepted.

I say weird and wonderful week because the night before that happened. I actually cried myself to sleep. I am not ashamed to admit that. I had a very hard day at work. I have a very difficult co-worker to deal with and idk, there are some other issues at hand. I was upset. Really upset. I feel like an absolute loser sometimes because I don't really feel like I am particularly talented in any one area...I've never had a position that required the bachelor's degree that was supposed to take me so much further in life...I don't receive the same pats on the head...I could go on with this list forever. It was all coming up the other night. I hate feeling like my best is never enough. Anyway...

So, yeah, I don't have to worry about that anymore...well, okay, I'm going to go through the next two weeks. I'm not going to slack, it's not my style. I'll probably do some vindictive working, just make my absence that more meaningful. I know I am so weird, but hey it get's me by.

Anyway, in the midst of my printing and scanning and copying and pasting in the wee hours of the morning. Movement in Still Life popped in my head. Not the song, but the words. Too lazy to dig the CD out, I went to YouTube which is sometimes an auspicious mistake. I picked the following video, but it's not  the song Movement in Still Life but a song from the album Movement in Still Life "Never Gonna Come Back Down"   It's encapsulates a bit how I feel right now...like I am in the club, I got energy to spare and nothing is going to ruin my night.

They say perspective is everything. I think I had an extreme point of view makeover this week.

I said "I know, everybody funny, now you funny too"

8 minutes 24 seconds no annoying ad...that's what I am talking about.

 So, the line hit me this morning. I am looking for other jobs. Temping is after all only temporary. I found a couple maybes. Granted, they are less appealing after reading the Glassdoor content on 'em but they pay more than where I am at now. Plus, I sold my soul along time ago so really there's nothing to lose by trying. 

Wow, that felt harsh to write. It's true though. At least it seems true. It seems like my personal left at Albuquerque has led me to this weird marginally employable place. There's no when I grow up I wanna be anymore. There's a stack of things that need attention and they really do not give a flying youknowwhat if I am happy and fulfilled and enjoying my work. It would be flippin' wonderful, don't get me wrong, it would be flippin' fantastic if by some magical token I could find something that would cover things enough that the mister could not have to be gone all the damn time in a job that for the most part is only making him older. 

Yesterday, I was feeling sad. Today, I am just mad. 

...And the only three* people in the world that I could openly and freely discuss it with are at work.Which is probably for the best because it's only 10:20am here and on a Wednesday that's just too early to start pouring drinks. 

Enjoy the George Thorogood and enjoy your day and try not to be too funny.

*The three people are my husband and my two brothers which quite possibly is a folie a quatre in the making but eh, at least it's good company.

True confessions of an office diva ;)

www.TwitterBackgrounds.org  

I feel diva-ish this morning, if only because I have been doing a steady stream of hot tea, throat spray, and painkillers...ok, so it's only Tylenol. I work in three hours and my throat is staging a protest as we speak. This protest started mid-shift yesterday. 

Who knew that talking eight hours a day could be so exhausting?! As a matter of fact, for those of you out there who know me personally and have wonder publicly or privately if I was even capable of shutting my mouth...I do believe I have reached my limit.

Now off hand I don't know what I logged. I know last time I had checked my stats I had 36 calls, average almost 8 minutes, and I still had two hours to go. I know it doesn't seem like much but that 8 minutes is the average, I think my longest call was around 30 minutes. And I barely communicated with anyone else. I was too busy to take my IMs and I didn't get to verbally say 'hi' to the gal behind me until after 5pm. I really didn't even think about my call stats until after I was able to chit-chat. 

If anything, I should stop talking to other people so that I can maintain my delusions of normalcy. I am not trying to be any sort of superstar. Really, I am not. Honestly, at one point yesterday, I thought I was doing a really horrible job. Seriously, I had issues and a stack of posty that needed attention. Turns out that my failures are a level of success that some people aspire to. Let me tell you, that's a humbling place and apparently one of the things in my life I've never been able to handle properly. 

Do I go through life with a poker face to blend? Or do follow that path that leads to people referring to me as some sort of savant and only coming to me when then need technical assistance? I don't like the latter path. It's been my experience throughout my entire life that a)people do not believe that this level of detail-orientation and awesomeness requires no work or thought on my part and b)because people believe a)they tend to treat me like I am some sort of cocky DB because...well, if I knew that I would have solved this a long time ago. 

 

God gave me this wonderfully twisted brain that latches on to information like leeches to unprotected skin. I am such a bank of worthless and worthwhile information that I sometimes question if I am a robot or droid or something. I have always tried to assimilate, well, at least since I was 15 or. Yep, that fateful week at gifted/talented camp where when a smartassed college kid asked me and the group of girls I with what are "gifts" were. They answered with what program they were in, me, no I've always been diva, so I looked him in the eye and answered "Gab" and kept on walking. 

The good news is the tea is working so I won't lose that gift this morning. The bad news...I am not really sure what to do with all this. Other people there in the temp pool, genuinely need this job way more than I do. I can't really dial back my lack of effort, unless I just stop showing up. I am not inclined to quit because it's actually a pretty enjoyable job...plus we need the money. 

What's a girl to do? So much internal drama and it's only Tuesday!! 

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Happy Monday! Well, at least for me, I just figured out the Monday is easy to meet when you have two hours before work to brace yourself. And by brace myself, I mean drink an entire pot of Carmel Truffle coffee and write a post.

Admittedly, Mondays can be hard. So much to do to get out the door, and if you've overdone the weekend then it's that much harder. I have to get up by 7 to get my son to preschool by 9 which on some level seems sad because preschool is just at the end of our street. If I can manage to wake before him and get things done it's a breeze. This morning, he was up right behind me which completely changes the flow and tone of things.

After dropping him off, I have about 2 1/2 hours until I have to be at work. Today, I came home ate leftover Mexican and loaded the dishwasher. While loading the dishwasher, the Klondike thing came to mind.

On one hand, the Klondike bar seems like a deal with the devil. Or maybe it's a genie in the bottle. I don't know. I just had a lot of things on my mental to-do list and I am really wondering if a Klondike bar would help me knock them out.

Like if Klondike bars had some sort of magical time-bending abilities I would totally down a whole package! I literally would run to the nearest store (to balance the calories-duh) and woof down a couple of packages if it meant at the end of the day everything would be done, finished, solved, mended, returned, etcetra. 

Alas, it's only chocolate covered ice cream and would really only succeed in kicking me up a dress size. But if it were somehow both magical and delicious, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Winding down another day...

Got home from work at a tad before 9pm. I assumed that my husband and son were in bed because except for my daughter's light the house was completely dark. Within minutes, my daughter was in the kitchen with me talking my ear off and a few minutes later my son scooted in. Having such a good conversation with my daughter, I didn't even care my son was up past bedtime.

These last couple of post haven't really been as focused as I would like them to be. I get such plans for this blog thing and end up just doing whatever the hell I feel like. In general, a lot of things aren't how I would like them to be. Yesterday or the day before, I had posted something cryptic (surprise, surprise) about having a bad penny of an issue and not knowing what to do about it. Oddly enough, I have no issues know. I am learning to love the way life works itself out...without my input or say so or whatever other grandiose notion I have at the time.

So my blogs aren't focused and pretty and tied with a bow. People are reading. I am assuming people, maybe it is bots. I don't know. The point is that if I posted and posted and posted and never had hits, I would have quit. I really would have. But I post and post and post, sometimes very raw and very off the cuff and my hits will realistically reach 5 digits by the end of the year, so I must be doing something right.

I have entertained that I am a trainwreck and people can't help themselves. I don't think that is the case. Gruesome freak shows eventually get boring. Based on what I can see in my stats, I resonate with a few of you out there. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to be relatable to you. I think of all the times that I have felt so lost, alone, out of control, crazy and think of what it would have meant to me to find something that I could hold onto and feel a little relief.

I have nothing against positivity and motivational slants BUT 24/7 happiness is not available without a prescription. I would rather be real and have people attach to me for my realness than to have a throng of adoring fans attached to a fabrication that I can not sustain. I am so Popeye in that I am what I am. And the phrase "I am" makes me think of a lesson I once heard a Unity minister deliver a lesson cautioning to be care what you attach your "I am" to. (Oh snap! I ended a sentence with a preposition.)

It makes a lot of sense really. Of all the things that I could say that I am...which ones REALLY matter? I am a job? Nope, not really in most cases. No fooling for a lot of a j-o-b is a means to an end, so why weigh yourself down with something like that? I am a social status. Sorry, wrong answer, take it from me and Frank Sinatra "riding high in April, shot down in May."

I am a wife and a mother...and a daughter and niece...a sister...a friend...a lover...God expressing at the point where I exist...love...those things seems worthwhile attachments to what I am because they are always and only dependent on one thing...me.

Nothing in my whole day mattered to me more than the time with my kids tonight when I got home. They never gave me time like that when I was home, so it makes me feel better about the cosmic scheme of how I ended up back in the work force in a job title I swore I would never hold.

I guess what I am saying is that you my friend should never cloud what you are with what you need to be because in the words of Loretta Lynn "God Makes No Mistakes."

Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, despite what you are feeling, it's all part of the ride. Trust me, hang on through that next dip, that next bend, sometimes even a couple of loop-de-loops, It's only the end of the world if you give up. I regret it took me nearly 37 years to figure that out.

How's that for a wind down? I am off to bed. I hope that whereever you are peace finds you and you are able to be a blessing to someone else. 

Throwback Thursday: Only a test...

Sometimes I find that I already said exactly what I feel like saying :)  http://tisbetter2give.blogspot.com/2005/11/this-is-just-test-of-my-ability-to.html

And best guess the test on the post had to do with the formatting on the song lyrics which incidentally are from "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy. I could really appreciate the sentiment at that space in time.

Live and learn...or something like that :)

Not so wordless Wednesday...playing catch up.

This new schedule is certainly going to take some adjustment. Sigh. I feel quite out of sorts but this too will pass. Today starts a bit of "free" time during the morning three mornings a week. Honestly, I am sitting here listening to Enpde, writing you because frankly I'd rather not look at my house and the aftermath of my first two weeks working.

Plus, I am kinda heavy this morning with things on my mind. Someone please tell me what you are supposed to do when you do your part and give the rest up to God...only to have God fling it back at you. For my atheist friends, please read the above sentence as what do you do when all logic, planning, and debate fail.  Or something like that. I guess it's not a huge deal, I only woke up way to early with tension and pain. Lovely. Yeesh. I don't know. It has to change but I am afraid of the change going a wrong way. I know I am not the puppetmaster but I would like to keep the people involved in my life...I just want their drama to go away. They need some peace. I don't know my part in it. I must have a part because I am sitting here with it on my mind.

I do like the certain dropped out of society feel my new schedule has. I'm not kidding. If I didn't have other responsibilities I would not have to be up 4 or so hours before my scheduled start. It's been playing a bit like a leisurely morning. I am about 3 hours off the 9 to 5ers, so there is no traffic. No lines at fast food. In and out for coffee. I think this is what the apocalypse will feel like.

On the other hand, I wonder if I will ever have a social life. I suppose work peeps, but a little guarded about work relationships. Especially right now, since I am only a temp, it's kind of like being in a shark tank. Who knows what the next few weeks and hopefully months will bring?!

Well, thank you for wasting ten minutes of your precious time with me! I do appreciate it.  It was really nice to log on here after a bit of an absence and see that I hadn't flat lined. So what do you think? What do you do with something that never seems to go away despite your efforts to put it to rest?

Naked

Driving home from Walmart, this song came on. It's one of those oh I used to love bands...that I never listen to now. I listened to it twice.

You're naked inside your fear
Can't take back all those years
Shots in the dark from empty guns
Never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone 

It just really hit me. Idk, since y'all don't live in my head and I have been MIA the past week it would be difficult to catch you up to speed. And just so ya know, despite the somewhat somber tone of the song... I feel perty good. I can tell that I have changed. My attitude on this job is different. Probably a number of reasons why, but it's a nice change. It takes a lot of pressure of to not be looking for the next step up and to instead be focused on total mastery of this level.

Sigh, perhaps I learned that too quickly because there are some possibilities that may interfere with this job. It's really quite hilarious that it seems like every time I find a job, my other half has a new opportunity thrown at him. He deserves it. I find it funny really. And again, in a show of change, I am not worried.

I very rarely ever write down anything at church. Okay, anything serious. It's been months ago, but there was something that I was said that struck me so profoundly I dug a crumpled receipt out of my purse and scribbled it down. It was in my wallet until last week when I put it on my dashboard.

God's will will never take you where God's grace will not sustain you.

I have heard variations of that that left me flat or were just flat out annoying. I don't know if it was the delivery or perhaps just the receiver's state of mind that made that resonate with me so much. Or maybe it's just because it sounds more cosmopolitan than "If He leads you to it, He'll lead you through it" I don't know. 

If ANYTHING...I know that "Naked" hit me the way it did tonight because it's one of those songs that I am hearing with different ears. I am really grateful to not be in that place anymore where I feel bounded by all my fears. It's raw and an uncomfortable and really not that fun to live. Dude, I am far from perfect or fearless or whole but I am working on it. I guess that's something. Shrug. Idk. 

I probably seem crazy and rambling because the last couple of weeks of my life. OMG, you just wouldn't believe it if I told and I really think that some of those weirdo things that happen...you aren't supposed to tell about directly. So here's to not being naked and living so that I can help other people find their clothes too. TTFN.

Throwback Thursday: Remembering when boys were stupid

So when I started in 2005, I was single. It would be almost a year and a half before I met my husband.

My dating life was...well...drama is an understatement. Realizing this, I probably won't be throwing back to every post because some of these post are complete snapshots of pain and even in all their humor aren't worth giving the light of day to at all.

This post is one that is funny to me now. It wasn't as funny to me then but here we are seven years later and I am happily married and the dude I was bitching about is still bouncing around trying to find himself. Granted it's probably been five years since I had any news about him, but one of us is on the down side of forty now and I kinda think that by time you get there nothing short of a miracle could change you.

Not going to try the frame today, just not feeling the extra keystrokes. So, for today's throwback enjoyment: Friday, June 24, 2005 <3

Wordless Wednesday: Michigan Daydream

Dawn of a new day...or something like that...

Have to report to my first day of training in roughly an hour and a half. Not sure what to expect. I don't have butterflies, but then I also don't have an ounce of anticipatory excitement. Other than the company and the job title, it's a complete unknown. I ended up going through an agency to find a job. Well, actually, it's a little different than that exactly but who cares about details.

In some ways, nothing about this is ideal. The shift. The distance. The job title. So, here's to learning what I am supposed to learn on this leg of my journey as quickly as possible to so I can move on.

So, wish me luck, I guess. I'm sure my posting here will be sporadic until I can get into some sort of rhythm.

Probably shouldn't have switched to decaf :)

Throwback Thursday aka Recycled Post

I need to get back on track because posting means page views and page views mean progress.

I officially...I guess officially...started blogging on June 24, 2005. Back then it was called "Chisel Point for Deeper Penetration"...a name that I stole off a box of staples and have always thought would be pretty funny printed on a pair of boxers.

And yes, I do realize there are some framing issues. I'm no coder. Just someone who does this as a hobby. Maybe someday, I'll actually take a class or something. Some day like never. Anyway...6/24/05 for your throwback enjoyment:

Wordless Wednesday

Blogger Opportunity: Labor Day Blogfest & bookfair

If you are a blogger looking for more traffic, then look no further! All deets: http://www.vbhoppermania.com/2012/08/melyndas-labor-day-blogfest-book-fair.html

Wordless Wednesday

All Star Music 2006

You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car. - Reese Bobby

I have been thinking about this movie scene mostly because I have been drowning in this subject.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.

I don't really know how I am still up at 1:18am considering that I did not get good rest last night. Restless. Unpleasant dreams. Just drained.

The course of the last several days has really put me on edge. Now, for the record, I am not saying that no one is on the same edge. I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for me...and it's not an uptempo song right now.

I am usually pretty fearless. Oh, I have my my moments. Everyone does. But this right now, I can't shake it. The only reason these fears are starting to draw shadows on me is because my defenses are completely wore down. I am a dead battery.
It's kinda starting to look like game over and I am so tired of this game I am not even in the mood to try to find the time extender or extra life. 

I have completely lost all confidence. I am not joking. I will seriously punch the next person who says some bs like fall down seven times get up eight or you only fail when you stop trying or that things get better. I needed them better yesterday. I can not endure another setback. And lest you want to write me off as a whiner, I don't believe that my family and I have had a moments peace in four years. Starting with the week my son was born to now...I am not sure that I remember what happy...truly at ease, content, happy really feels like.

It's always something. It always is. I get that. Nothing is smooth. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't expect life to be as cheerfully surreal as an Old Navy commercial. I would expect a modicum of effort to produce some sort of positive result. I don't know maybe I expect too  much. There is a fine line between dreamer and fool, perhaps I have been kidding myself about which side of the line that I am on.


If I could learn to drive with the cougar, mebbee just mebbee, I could sleep. I mean like really sleep. Rock hard, solid, restful and rejuvenating sleep like I haven't experienced since...probably since about June or July of 2008. Hmm...you know, on that line...I think I have a great big huge colossal enormous resentment against God, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it. I resent having been put in a position where I truly felt good and optimistic and hopeful. That first year of marriage, being pregnant with my son, and my husband, daughter and I really coming together as a family.

Smfh. It's entirely too late tonight early this morning to rehash that. I mean, even the people who might be reading this and think they know what I am talking about (except for R) you don't. I mean you might know some of the pains but you don't know them all or the depths of them.

I dunno, the whole driving with the cougar thing is along the same lines as walking by faith which I don't think I am capable of doing. I mean, I thought I was going with the flow and letting go but then something happens. Not something good. Never. Ever. I don't remember the last time something happened that just made me think  yeah, okay, everything is going to be just fine. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...I couldn't really get into a car with a cougar anyway. It would probably instantly maul me and that'd just be one more shitty thing for my kids to go through. Shrug. Idk. Idfk.

I never really been here. Seriously. There was always a light. But now there's just this...

God's not here, man.

Yes. It's true sometimes my inner voice sounds a lot like Tommy Chong. I suppose a fair amount of the time, life is like that sketch too. God pounding on the door,"Hey man, it's me God. I got the stuff. Let me in." And I foolishly answer "God's not here, man."

Anyway, I have on occasion made comments to that affect. I know I made it about the ten o'clock service at the church I have been going to. I just can't do it. God is not there. I've tried. I hate it. The same goes for just places in general that I can't or won't go to. Bad feeling. Uneasy. The creeps. Heebie Jeebies. Cold. Dead. It's all the same. The same intuitive twinge, the feeling that there is no good in a person, place or situation.

Yesterday, I read this and meant to do something on it then, but had no time carved out for writing.

Screen print of JoyceMeyer.org

It was something that I needed to read.I love that line,"I thought this was God, but it's not so I am not going to do it anymore." I love it because I had those same feelings about a brief and dipterous job that I had earlier in the year. It felt odd to not have any other words to describe my discomfort than God is not here.

I do try to apologize when my spidey senses leads me to do things that other people are put off or out by. It does not seem like that happens much. Of course, I think that is because I am pretty blessed to have a pretty honest and reliable inner sanctum of people who don't do drama.

I mentioned that I had intended to write yesterday. I think the bigger plan wanted to sit down tonight.

I actually have a very, very difficult times in situations that have a lot of negative energy around them. Not just mentally, but physically. There was one of those on the agenda this evening. I really didn't much about it over the past several days. I just put it out of my mind. Then, as afternoon progressed, I found myself getting antsy. My little monkey mind conjuring up some pretty Springer-esqe possibilities. Dread. Ugh.Trying to enjoy the baseball game with family and my little mind was working overtime to create anxiety.

I thought,"Man, God is definitely not there." 

Then, I thought, maybe I should invite him. It sounds corny but that's what I did. I stole a couple of minutes between dinner and this evening engagement and got centered and fortified and took a big breath before heading out the door. And after two hours, I am happy to report that I lived. No folding chairs thrown. No vortex of ickiness sucking me in. It wasn't all rainbows and kitties. I gots a lots of work to do on myself with this situation. And I am thankful that tonight I was able to create a bit of needed space to see things more clearly.

My salacious sailor mouth...

So two things that give me trouble with my blogging is overcoming my propensity to swear as exclamation and punctuation and using words like propensity. The swearing part is easy to overcome, I can delete the expletives if they seem gratuitous, no biggie.

My vocabulary, on the other hand, is just about as changeable as my DNA. I don't really think that I use words that are unusual by my Honors English high school student and English degree holding husband will stop me and ask for clarification and/or definitions.

I blame my grandma and the Valley View School system.

My grandma gets a prize on both counts. As far as the swearing goes, I figure what I picked up from my dad, he picked up partially from her. The five-dollar words are the result of many years of a gift subscription to Reader's Digest and a voracious appetite for Word Power.

Flash forward to high school and the lovely yellow vocab books. Every week for four years, we poured through these books that I think must have been written to increase verbal scores on college exams. I always did well on those, and as point of geekness I always finished the book. Yep, I was that kid who finished the unfinished portion of the workbook for fun.

I would purposely try to use the words correctly in conversation.  It's a bit like rhyming, once you start you can't stop.

In a way, it's all just words. Who cares what I say as long as you understand the message I am trying to convey? But then we go and attach all sort of emotion and spectacle to these sound vibrations and you end up with fighting words.

Maybe I talk the way I do because I am from Ohio. Southwestern Ohio where there is no cool accent, not like in Cleveland or Toledo where the New York and Michigan influences an be heard. I suppose there is a fair amount of drawl, but my people aren't originally from this area.

In the grand scheme of things, if I had to unlearn anything it would be the vocabulary. A well-uttered F-bomb can convey more meanings than half the dictionary, and to be honest, no one acts like you've made up words. And I've noticed that pretty much everyone gets your point the first time. Aside from unlearning vocabulary, I wish I'd learned and used more slang. I wish I had loved grammar less, too. It certainly would make texting quicker. My brain doesn't function at the level I need it to all the time to be articulate and if it had never learned to be in the first place losing it would be such a BFD. 

I just thought of something else I would do if money were no object...

This has been a longtime, er, dream of mine. I would take every degree program available through one of those schools on TV. Even the high school diploma, even though I already have one. I don't know why, but I always thought that would be kind of fun.

It'd be kind of useful too. I could really use locksmithing for sure considering the obscene number of times I have locked myself out of my house or vehicle. Plus, there are some crazy new ones I have notice like a certificate in The Holistic Planet. That would look awesome on my Trader Joe's application for sure!

I never said my ideas were sound, just that I have a lot of them :)

If money were no object, what would you do?

That question in some form or another seems have popped up in my life lately. Partly good friends trying to help me focus, partly because of all that half a billion dollar lottery madness a few weeks back. I hate that question. I feel like Peter in Office Space when people ask me that. I never had an answer that's why I am blogging from my kitchen.

Being the smarty butt that I am though, I am grateful for that movie because I am not afraid to answer that question with "I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man" I can't help it. It's funny and evasive. We, and by we, I mean my husband and I, used to watch that movie all the time it seems like. One of us would have a bad week and next thing you know it's Friday night and we're curled up together laughing at TPS reports and art imitating reality.

I guess when I really start to think about it, there are things other than nothing but they seem so I dunno. I don't have the background or knowledge to run a tourist attraction, specifically a working farm or campground. Actually, maybe both together. Some sort of retreat, yeah, I know crazy. Then there's what I can only really voice as be an oracle. Heck, I've already got the kitchen so I am half way there, right?


I am not really passionate about anything in particular. I think the last time I was super obsessive about something every inch of my wall was covered with Joey McIntyre and Donnie Wahlberg. I enjoy things but I don't really live or breathe anything. Some people think that's a problem. I am starting to see that it's listening to those people that's the problem.

Life's too short to be obsessive, you miss a lot when you obsess.

Like if suddenly, I had a million dollars...I'd pay off everything, sock some away for the kids' college, take a vacation or two, and see where life took me from there. I'd probably give quite a bit to a couple of places too. Oh, yeah, that's another thing that I would do if money were no object be some sort of venture capitalist/philanthropist. 

I don't know. Seems like if you look at things that sound cool to me I keep wanting to give it away which probably explains a lot about my ill spent youth too. Let's see, entertain, educate, inspire, advise, give away money. Wait a second! That sounds an awful lot like being a mom. So, maybe the real reason I have such a hard time with that question is that I am already doing it, so everything is superfluous.

Why I keep setting an income goal of $37,500

I am prone to all sorts of weirdness and craziness and I guess, magical thinking. I wrote out income goals for this year. I have revised the methods but not the number. I have set a goal of $37,500.

It doesn't seem like much, but even adjusted for inflation, it's actually probably more than I have ever made in my life. I say probably because (accounting for inflation) I did have a job at one point that was paying me "mileage" to run meetings. I couldn't tell you the amount but I can tell you that it far exceeded the standard mileage rate at the time, especially considering that the distance being driven every month was negligible.

Anyway, I had read an article that a survey had been conducted and that 75,000 seemed to be the magical happiness number. I can't find the exact article but this one explains it a bit. I realize that some people would have seen that and set 75,000 as their goal.  Like I said, I can't find the original piece that I had read but I didn't take it that way. I took it as 75k total of which my half would be 37,500. God bless my magical thinking!

Like I said though, I don't think that I have ever made that much (accounting for inflation) in my life. Plus, half of 75k is 37.5k but my other half will exceed that easily. It's a point of fact, not a brag. So, when I hit my number, our number won't exactly be 75k.

I don't really want more than I can handle but I do want to be comfortable. I have never been someone who desires great wealth or the finer things or any sort of bragging rights to anything. I just want to be happy. I just want to live my life to the fullest and so that their actually are people that might be inclined to say nice things about me at my funeral.

I know that some of my stumbling blocks to success are geographic. I am working on it. But really, my whole life I never wanted a desk job...even when I had one. Sigh. I just want to go to bed every night without that worry. I think it is hard because for awhile it was there, and I dunno if I didn't express enough gratitude for being financially sound or what but it all got ripped away and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, except for get back on the market which has failed miserably.

So, yeah, I set my income goal to 37,500 because I want to be happy.

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line, Engines pumping and thumping in time.

Going the Distance by Cake is in my head for some reason right now. Oh yeah, it's because I am wondering how things are all going pan out. Nothing about life is truly linear, I realize that, but I do sometimes wonder if I am spinning my wheels or if maybe point J is going to be crossed before point B or something like that.

I have spent the better part of the last two hours writing for Enpde. It's not really a non-paying gig since he makes the money to buy the food. When I sit down to write for him or myself or anyone else for that matter, it is that step out in faith that it's not all in vain. It's hard to ghostwrite. It's hard to have been given carte blanche. That's a lot of pressure really. I can do anything I want in the name of enpde. You have no idea how terrifying that is.

I had been thinking about some sort of Flag Day post for myself but it seems so irrelevant. I have a hard time writing for myself. I have noticed that I wax and wane between focused and unfocused.

Sigh...

Earlier tonight, I had a friendly "while your qualifications were good" email. I am so tired of those. It is completely unnecessary and a bit hard to believe. It was an administrative support position. To say my qualifications were good...well, that's like saying Marlon Brando is an okay actor. Not braggin' just sayin'. It 'twas part time and would have been interesting. Haters. Talk to the hand.

So, either I am completely delusional about my work skills and abilities or the universe is...no has been consistently telling me something for the past three years. Ugh, but it's not like explicitly telling me exactly what my calling is...only whispering that a cooped up office is no place for a pretty girl like me and teasing me with opportunities.

Darn those opportunities! Right now, it's just this blog and my work with Enpde. Oh and a hundred million other direct sales offers. Shrug. I dunno. I don't think I have a good personality for any sort of sales. Actually, when I was in college, there was a marketing class that was mandatory, I forget what it was called, but we had to do fundraising as a way to learn sales and cold calling and what not. Half way through the quarter, my partner declared that if I had to work sales I would starve if I wasn't selling something I could 110% get behind. It's true, really, we were fundraising for a children's charity and I just couldn't do it. I know cold-hearted, right? Not really, just not in a good place at the time to care about dying kids when I had a perfectly healthy one who I was struggling to provide for.

I know so many smart people who seem to be struggling. This isn't anything like the brochure. Hard work used to equal reward, now I don't know. I tried for awhile to be a mom to myself and chant "hardwork is it's own reward" but as I mentioned, I'm not very good in sales so I wasn't buying it.

I honestly need like bright neon signs and a burning bush to point me in the right direction. I feel drifty and I do really stupid shit when I feel drifty.