If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, June 24, 2012

God's not here, man.

Yes. It's true sometimes my inner voice sounds a lot like Tommy Chong. I suppose a fair amount of the time, life is like that sketch too. God pounding on the door,"Hey man, it's me God. I got the stuff. Let me in." And I foolishly answer "God's not here, man."

Anyway, I have on occasion made comments to that affect. I know I made it about the ten o'clock service at the church I have been going to. I just can't do it. God is not there. I've tried. I hate it. The same goes for just places in general that I can't or won't go to. Bad feeling. Uneasy. The creeps. Heebie Jeebies. Cold. Dead. It's all the same. The same intuitive twinge, the feeling that there is no good in a person, place or situation.

Yesterday, I read this and meant to do something on it then, but had no time carved out for writing.
Screen print of JoyceMeyer.org

It was something that I needed to read.I love that line,"I thought this was God, but it's not so I am not going to do it anymore." I love it because I had those same feelings about a brief and dipterous job that I had earlier in the year. It felt odd to not have any other words to describe my discomfort than God is not here.

I do try to apologize when my spidey senses leads me to do things that other people are put off or out by. It does not seem like that happens much. Of course, I think that is because I am pretty blessed to have a pretty honest and reliable inner sanctum of people who don't do drama.

I mentioned that I had intended to write yesterday. I think the bigger plan wanted to sit down tonight.

I actually have a very, very difficult times in situations that have a lot of negative energy around them. Not just mentally, but physically. There was one of those on the agenda this evening. I really didn't much about it over the past several days. I just put it out of my mind. Then, as afternoon progressed, I found myself getting antsy. My little monkey mind conjuring up some pretty Springer-esqe possibilities. Dread. Ugh.Trying to enjoy the baseball game with family and my little mind was working overtime to create anxiety.

I thought,"Man, God is definitely not there." 

Then, I thought, maybe I should invite him. It sounds corny but that's what I did. I stole a couple of minutes between dinner and this evening engagement and got centered and fortified and took a big breath before heading out the door. And after two hours, I am happy to report that I lived. No folding chairs thrown. No vortex of ickiness sucking me in. It wasn't all rainbows and kitties. I gots a lots of work to do on myself with this situation. And I am thankful that tonight I was able to create a bit of needed space to see things more clearly.

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