If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Maybe I am not right but...

I would love it if you would come over tonight,

And touch me in that place that makes me

Move like an epileptic without their Dilantin.

I like that.

But I can't be MILFtastic without the kid,

So it'll have to wait 'til another night.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

You've got mail...

I've got email waiting to be read, the voice mail told me so.

I'd read it here, but

        a)it's long

        b)the subject line tells me it's better to wait 'til I'm home

I forgot to charge my phone so I can't really call


It's no use calling from here

        937-000-0000 never gets picked up

'less it's someone who knows it might be me

The day has been long.

Maybe 'cuz I'm still a little tired.

Maybe 'cuz I haven't occupied myself with thoughts

        like I always do

I need to do laundry.

I have a fairly good feeling that after I read that email

        My house is going to get cleaned

It's what I do when I need to think

        Clean, clean, clean

Laundry first tho

        Can't hardly get into my bathroom

Eighteen minutes and I can leave...

        ...pick up Jo

        ...go home


Hmm, 'cept she's probably going to need fed

Maybe she'll eat cereal again

Mmmm, Lucky Charms for dinner...

Sixteen minutes...

        I should do some actual work

        Or at least go be social


I've been exceedingly nice to people this week.

Not that I am not nice,

But as far as here I tend not to be

Although, I bet the time clock says something else


This is gonna kill me.

I'm just not ready to deal with the realities that I have been avoiding.

Hmm, apparently I'm supposed to tho 'cuz Jo just called to ask if she could go

Home with someone else.

Me alone.


Wednesday, March 22, 2006


So beautiful you mused

As the light caressed my silhouette

I believe u

I don't know why

And can't remember the last time

Another person made me

Feel this way

Careening into heartbreak

Never felt so good

Sunday, March 19, 2006


I emerged from the hot shower
Sure that the previous chaos had been cleansed
And slid back into my tank top,
Still sweet with your scent
A reminder to myself
That there is still some good
In this fucked-up world
A reminder that tomorrow
Really will be better
Wistfully hoping
I can make it to Friday

My test results

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master
The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Saturday Night's alright for fighting....

So, I wonder what I would have to do to be worthy of having the mobile phone turned off while I am there.
Sarah came over last night, and hung out with me.
I subjected her to some of the poetry that I wrote this week.
She now thinks I need Prozac.
It was good to talk to her.
She's known me for a longtime,
Not continuously but long enough.
Long enough to know that my recent feelings of being back
in high school aren't good.
But she says that telling someone that I am not going to
talk to them anymore because I feel like I am back in
12TH grade
and well,
honestly, that didn't work out so well for me.
I don't even think that Sarah really
knows the extent of how badly things got for me then,
but that would be because I stopped talking to her.
She really should thank me for that.
Otherwise, she would have been sucked into the drama.
So, he claims he has time today to come look at my laptop.
I'm not holding my breath.
In fact, another few days and I might have completely rebuilt
my wall with a few extra fortifications.
So, sad, but that's my life...

Friday, March 17, 2006


DMB "Grey Street" was just playing on the ol' Muzak. I really like that song, but don't tell anybody. Especially right now when it seems so appropriate to the way I am feeling. So I might as well put the lyrics here, eh, well, at the end. It'll be a nice way to close.

I need to stop going to break with Angie before I redevelop a smoking habit.

For about the past, oh I don't six or seven years, my response to anything has been to retreat into myself. It's pretty easy to avoid things and people aren't usually smart enough to even call you on it. Oh sure, Alice once told me that someone I had dated for a longtime made me boring. I've always been inclined to agree. Multiple reasons really...keeping up appearances...less of a freak than me...preoccupied with finishing school...and a whole lot of I can't believe I ever let someone like that break my heart. IT really SHOULD have BEEN the OTHER way AROUND!

I truncated myself. I have realized this for a while. I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can fix it by myself. It scares me. I thought that this was fixing it, but I know I was wrong. I let someone shame me into being something I am not.

I really want to do that now...totally go into Jenny-land but I haven't. It's evident to some of the people around me, too. Yesterday Jess asked me what I was on because of the way I was acting, and then wouldn't believe me when I told her nothing.

I only say I don't know because it's the most appropriate short answer I've got right now.

Grey Street


Oh, just sitting while she listens
She says I don't need this place
It seems a million years she's stuck here
But says nothing of what she thinks

She thinks, hey,
How did I come to this?
I dreamt like anybody else one night
I would be a beautiful princess.

But then the roads in the park fall
And then she rode the line in
And the colors mix together to grey
And break me out

Oh, when I'm indifferent
She prays to God most every night
Although she swears he doesn't listen
There's hope in her that he just might

She says, I pray
But then my prayer fall on deaf ears
I'm supposed to take it all myself
To get out of this place.

She feels the lumps in the heart fall
And she rose up in the back
She hears the cars scream out from outside
And she whispers sometimes about this
But the colors mix together to grey
And wake me up

Oh, he grows up living
He says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It takes the work out of the courage

She said, please,
There's a crazy man standing outside my door
I live on the corner of a dead end street
At the end of the world.

Oh, and the rocks out in the heart fall
And she dreams her way to life
And she knows no one will lift her
So she might as well do it herself

And then bummed out and worried
Of leaving city life
But all the colors mix together to grey
On grey street
On grey street
To grey street

Oh, when it comes down in your loving
Oh, well then baby it's right
You say you think you are nothing
No one else will do it for you
Reach up and grab hold of the sunlight
When you are waiting for what's right
You're holding on your heaven
Won't leave you, yeah, yeah...

And the colors mix together to grey
Wake me up, wake me up, wake me up
To grey.


Thursday, March 16, 2006


We make a good team

        He said

I didn't disagree

I'm just trying to be honest

        He said

Nothing is what I stupidly said

I like you

        He said

I like you too

        I said

And I was thankful for his lie

He said enough

        to drop my guard

I said it didn't matter

        I thought I could win

I said that this would be different

        I thought I could win

Turns out I can't compete

        He said a lot of things

I wish he hadn't said

        If I really had been thinking

I would have never said 'hi'

I am the ghost that everyone glides through

        I said to myself

I am a ghost of a girl

        Who never has a chance

A ghost who thought

        She knew the game

A sad apparition distracted by

        What he said

He should have said nothing

        I should have let it go

        The first time

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Another night of bad sleep...

Why is it so much to ask to be the center of someone else's world?

Why-sigh, why isn't there a damn thing about me that makes people put other people off?

Even the guy who claimed he dropped a ton of other women to be with me, never called me back.


Go figure.


I should go to a hockey game this weekend, but I would only annoy my company.

Annoy on levels no one should ever put up with from anyone.


How can one woman be subjected to so much shit in life?


It's not even that emotional wreck part of it that bothers me. It's that no one ever EVER

seems to understand me or anything about or they just ARGHH!!


I haven't felt this way in such a longtime, and I am talking both the positive and the negative of

what I am feeling right now.




I rolled my hair last night so I have big hair today. I kinda like it. I wish I could get a picture up.

I did it to try to make me feel better, but it's only making me feel worse. I've got on one of my

favorite little dresses and my red shoes but somehow...


It's a good thing I work in a place where we order Kleenex by the case...

Gnawing off my bottom lip...

When I get into certain emotionally distressing situations, I oft find myself chewing on my lip. Okay, sure, sometimes I am just thinking, but right now it is ever so much more than that. Hopefully, I am still cute without a bottom lip.
So, I think I may move this dog and pony show to myspace.com...if only so that my friends will actually read it. And so that I can feel important that 300 people whom I have never met want to be my friend.
I told Lynn yesterday that the power of positive thinking is overrated because it seems like part of positivity is blindness or oblivion and uh, yeah when reality hits it fucking hurts like mofo.
I have about a gazillion sentences going through my head that start out,"I shoulda never..."
Which probably explains why I am not asleep right now, and why my right leg is bouncing like crazy.
I'm gonna go put on some good tasting chapstick and gnaw my lip the rest of the way...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Variant Migrainepalooza

I don't know, it's probably more acute stress than migraine, especially since my neck hurts.

I slept horribly last night.

Saying what your thinking shouldn't make you feel worse, should it?

Maybe I don't know how to explain anything to anyone anymore.

That can't be entirely true. I just explained Medicare's payment policy on tetanus shots to my manager.

Surely things in life are less complicated than ANYTHING issued by CMS!

I guess I have always been impatient to some extent. I also have never really been one to-I dunno.

I jotted down a little something while stuck at the A/R meeting. I don't know why I didn't just post that.

So, yeah, here it is:

Tears stream past

        Wine-stained teeth

Why does it seem like I

        Only make sense to myself?

I don't want to shove you away.

I don't want anything to end.

I just want it to be okay

        To feel the way I do.

Monday, March 13, 2006

To all the blogs I've blogged before...

If there was a theme to my life, I think it would revolve around a need for release. It's like being on a roller coaster that gets stuck at the top.

To say it is me is an understatement...

I'm afraid to let go. There is really no need for long explanation. It applies to everything in my life right now.

I'm having my high school breakfast this morning, a mega cup o' joe and Ding Dongs. Mmmmmmmmmm...

I have to stop being afraid of giving up my control but I don't know how.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Today I bought a ringtone but only because it's cheaper than jewe lry...

Only I could struggle over it being cliché.

Really it's kind of a backhanded ringtone.

No, no, just not as sweet as some might think,

Because there are few around me who are

Versed in 80s punk and alternative.

I just want to know who is calling.

Nothing wrong with that.

Hmm, everything is wrong with that.

I can't even begin to tell you why.

Poor Lynn is gonna get an earful tonight.

Thursday, March 9, 2006

Thursday here, but it's Friday somewhere...

So much to say... work, health, whatever. I listened to a CD today I hadn't heard in awhile. When I grabbed it this morning, I didn't even know why I was grabbing it. Sigh, then coming home, I got up to track 9. Why had I never noticed the lyrics before? I had planned to put it on the CD I am slowly constructing, then hmm, it became even more appropriate.
Anyway here it is. It's all I have to say today.
"Falling for You"  by Jem (from the Finally Woken CD)
Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

I want you so much
I need you so much
I want you so much
I need you so much
[believe me my love
believe me my love]

Sunday, March 5, 2006

Too tired to actually write...

...so you can read my horoscope that made me smile...
Sunday Mar 5, 2006   

Your mind will be on distant lands or on doing something unusual, entertaining and playful. You can make things happen if you share your ideas and coax others to help you with your plans. A romantic encounter is apparent.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

Silence is golden...

The only think I can really say is that I suddenly feel like I am in high school again. Not necessarily in a bad way, but still.
I can't remember the name of the song, or who sings it even, but when I was coming home tonight from meeting someone it kept going through my head.
"You do it to yourself you do and that's what really hurts..."
Don't get me wrong I am not unhappy right now.
Just perplexed.
Commence biting bottom lip now.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

That's an understatment!

My horoscope today:
Wednesday Mar 1, 2006   

Focus on health and happiness and you will feel good about yourself and your future. Implement a program that includes exercise, diet and relaxation. You need to get back on track physically.

Guess who gets to go for a bunch o' test this month :)
I should go do laundry. Don't feel like it tho. Just watched a movie with the kid. Yours, Mine, Ours. The original is so much better. I love the end when Doris Day says whatever it is she says about wanting Moo Goo Gai Pan. Anyway, maybe I can get jo to watch my movie.
If I go watch it in my room, I will fall asleep and chaos will ensue. It always does.
Double sigh...