If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Feelin' Like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video

Life is pretty plain and I wish I could say it wasn't raining in Ohio.
In a smart aleck move, I posted this to my FB as a public the other day:

Because I posted it as public it posted to my Twitter account. It got a little bit of response that and it is the which is prompting this.

First of all, Twitter still mostly alludes me. I kinda get it but I think I built my base to fast to be able to adequately function as a Tweeter. Plus, in all my Twitter experience I have noticed a large amount of... I don't know what to call it...but it's like if you crossed a leech with with an ad man and a total star fucker. Yeah, pretty fake.

Soo, when I got retweeted and subsequently followed, sigh, honestly, I thought it was some hapless hiphopper who had a good social media person. It's not racist, it's the logical conclusion of someone who has spent time doing the social media for a musician who happens to specialize in electronic music. And in normal, mistrusting gifted kid fashion I mostly ignored it until I could get more information.

So, @The_Real_Gifted's profile takes you to http://fuckyeahintellectualgiftedness.tumblr.com/ and I am all about it....of course, until it gets what it wants and leaves me sitting alone at the lunch table because the major book report is done and gone.

You know, it is not something I talk about in my life...I was in and got kicked out of the gifted program when I was a kid. I didn't get kicked out because I wasn't gifted anymore. I got kicked out because I wanted out and no one would let me and I figured out exactly what I needed to do to get the boot. I have had some slight discussions with former compadres and my brothers (both of whom were also in the gifted program which begs the question about the standards of my school's program). It's awkward and tentative, the way people relate to each other after...well, the Holocaust comes to mind.

Curse and a blessing is the best way to describe it. Once upon a time I was considered the best and the brightest and I was going to curse cancer and solve world hunger and the whole 10 hot dogs/8 buns thing and life was going to be sunshine and puppies. But here I am on a Saturday, full of wine and remorse writing a blog that barely anyone will read. I always saw great irony in the fact that our "gifted" room was off in no man's land, next to the MH (Multi-Handicapped) room. Same stick, different ends really, and if some one would have guided me through baking and selling cookies, I honestly would probably be a better person for it.

I think the curse and the blessing of giftedness is a subject I would like to cover more. If I had anymore energy for school, I would hit a psychology degree. I've always thought it would be really, really interesting to research gifted children as adults. I probably would steal a line from a week at Governor's Summer Institute for Gifted and Talented Children...."Gifted, Talented, and Emotionally Disturbed" for the title. I think of my own class and the long, strange trip most of us have taken. For all the reinforced intellection, we seem to have really gotten short changed in coping and well, geez, I don't really have enough blog space to cover this subject.

Really, I just wanted to say that who ever you are and whatever is right with you, whatever is wrong with you, there are people out there just like you and whenever you find them you should hold onto them and give them all your attention and laugh at their jokes and be extra creepy to show you appreciation.

You may not want to take my advise there. As a former gifted kid, I may do things in a weird and creepy way because I think everyone vibrates at this high level.

But yeah, it's nice to know that there are others.

Lots and lots of other.

Maybe we can become a protected class and I can file for disability on account of I am a formerly gifted child who can not pass any of these damned pre-employment test as an adult on account of years of intensive training to see things from all angles so erything is gray in my eyes.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Your Wounded Inner Child, Austin Pike Interchange and This Stain on This Shirt

What are things that are bothering Jenny today?  I'll take what is she going to do about it
for two cents, Alex.

The biggest challenge of the day is my co-workers...again. I ended up having a chance in encounter with my supervisor in the hallway and mentioned to her somethings and magically it has quieted down for the rest of the day. Hopefully for good but we'll see. I am not going to replay the events but definitely some twisted inner child stuff going on with this crowd.

I am not saying I don't have my own issues. It is because I do that I can recognize it in others. I work hard to heal those wounds. The stuff at work picks at my emotional scabs sometimes. There was a moment this morning when I truly felt like I was back in elementary school. But then I remembered that I am an adult and I don't have to get sucked into someone else's game. It really is nothing more than a game...a game of defective characters and spiritual bankruptcy. I don't have the power to heal anyone but I am adding this to my list of things to pray for on behalf of certain coworkers. Peace and healing from old hurts so that they can progress in life and fulfill their potential.

Also, there is a tendency of certain people in this group to throw scripture into our team chats. I am not opposed to scripture. I am opposed to people going to BibleGateway.com and randomly searching a feeling. I am opposed to people not practicing what they preach. Not my place to judge, so this is merely an observation, I have noticed that several of these folks have stood up and openly claimed their Christianity, only to curse someone or gossip in the next breath. There are a number of commandments and not so commanded things being overlooked and ignored.

If I were to choose a general verse, I would pick Galatians 1:10 and paraphrase it,"I choose to be popular with God, not with men." I don't know why but I think of that often at work. But if I were to put something in the team chat to counter what they were posting, it would most definitely be something from Proverbs but I can't really be specific without grabbing my Bible. Proverbs is filled with verses about laziness and folly.

Sigh, then we had an added complication today that pretty much obliterated what was left of the morale of the few people who actually have been working and adhering to schedules, etc. I am done. I am getting a new job on Tuesday. It's not arbitrary, I have an interview, and I am pretty sure it is my job.

The whole Austin Pike interchange annoyance is just that it can be unduly complicated to get from 675 to my office some days. What a mess?!

I have no idea where the stain on this shirt came from. It's a yellow shirt so the stain is glaringly obvious.

Big sigh, outside of work, things don't suck. I think I am finally getting somethings through my head about the way things are and what I need to do. I need to stop settling and get into something somewhere where my obsessive need to do the homework and best the best that I can be is appreciated. Life is not something that is meant to be endured. Sure, it's a journey. Sure, sometimes it is difficult. But I don't think any of us are supposed to spend our days just waiting it out until death. But that's just me, I may be certifiable or something because as of late most people treat me like I am f'in crazy.

I don't really have a good prayer to write in this post. Got a lot of things on my list and I am going to go spend sometime  before bed unloading them. Probably listen to some harp music on youtube. I got turned onto it while my husband was away. This one is one of my favorites, although, I don't think I have ever listened to the whole thing as it seems to lull me to sleep fairly quickly.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Prayers because I haven't got something better to talk about....

Okay so if you know me, you've seen my self-indulgence posted on FB. If not, I posted this this morning:  
Seven and one half hours left in my shift. That is how bad it has become...the countdown starts seven hours early. It has hit a place where it takes every ounce of energy to stay positive. It is time to move on. I don't fit in this team and it has become glaringly obvious that my hard work, mastery of the information and dedication have all been for naught. Here's to a day spent praying I don't have to be here tomorrow and that the separation is amicable...and not the over the top Half Baked-esqe fantasy I am entertaining right now. Thank God it's Wednesday!
 I know some people can not fathom a job that makes you contemplate all that is good and holy in the world but that's where I am. Ceterus parabus, I do love my job. It is a strange and wonderful job that 100% meshes with the weirdness of my brain. I take seriously the company objective to be someone's solution and actually have this graphic as part of my repertoire of time wasting stuff to sametime my6 coworkers with with a work related not blasphemous addition of "How Would Jesus Chat?" added to the space at the left.

It is pertinent. I mean I hear people carry on in an embarrassing way about their interactions. But seriously, my main objective at my job is to help people in as much time as it takes, so why anyone has a salty attitude is beyond me. Yes, it can get tedious. But that's just because we deal with, well, I had 743 chats last month, that is believe you me the patience of Job times infinity. 

Like I said, I like what I do, who I do it with is something entirely different. I seriously did use a combination of the Iheartradio.com Christian channel and prayer and incantation to get through today.If I could keep my head buried in the screen and not worry about personalities...I would be content. I can not though, so it throws a bit of a monkey wrench. 

I did spend a lot of my day in prayer. What else was I going to to do to keep me sane, most of the internet is blocked. Later in the day there was some sort of strange movement...maybe my prayer, maybe my movement, who knows?! 

Since I left and as I have thought about it. It would be a good idea to move this Kindness in Giving page to sort of a prayer page. I have been a bit lax on the prayer tip.

In the interest of time  and the fact that I am uber tired, I am just going to pray for my team. God knows their hurts and what they need to heal. I have a lot more specific things to say but I am tired and will do it off blog.

What's on your mind? What do you want to pray for? 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Don't piss off the groupie...

So, I have had kind of a trying day. Seriously...work sucks in a I have the most production, this job totally meshes with my brain but I get no strokes, no kudos, no love sort of way. I have been looking forward to the fun and frivolity that is being a groupie. Show tonight in the dirty D, show tomorrow in Cbus. I have been looking forward to this.

So a good solid hour before last call...I get asked if I mind cashing out. Sure, why not since you don't seem to mind missing the damage I was planning to do. Why not, go ahead cash me out...oh and while you are at it when I go to the bathroom go ahead and clear the mfin table.

IT is not like this is primetime and you are trying to turn the table for Dufraines, party of four. Many of the people that are in your shitty establishment tonight, didn't come for you. They would not have ever had any motivation to visit this place in the middle of the urban wasteland that is Dayton, Ohio.

And now without the benefit of my liquid refreshment...i gotta wait around while the people who played haggle for what you said you would give them in the first f'in place.

It all makes me feel very, VERY Mr.Pink. Like really if you are going to be in the service industry and be this shitty...learn to type. An office job is a very steady gig and it saves you the negative karma of totally ruining the evening of someone who REALLY needed a night out.

I am so done with the dirty D and the less than stellar atmosphere. I have been trying to cut it some slack but tonight pretty much proved to me that like a lying, cheating boyfriend who says he has changed...this town is just as useless!

And on that note, sweet Cbus I am coming to visit tomorrow. Take my money and show me a good time. I am apparently not good enough to be entertained in Dayton.

Sitting alone on the front patio of a bar, not exactly how I envisioned my night. I could have stayed home for this!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Upwardly Mobile

So, yes, yes, I have been AWOL for a time. And yes, you were not imagining things, I did unpublish this blog.

Sometimes things go completely wrong, like a train wreck due to derailment. Shrug. I can't really explain everything that happened right now. I've really only shared it with two people. But I woke up one morning and the first thing on my mind was unpublish the blog. The second, I think, was oh snap I am late for work.

I come back to the blogosphere today because of something I read the other day.

Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn't become their future. –Jon Acuff

I have a lot of past. I have a lot of past that I would rather not talk about. I shut this thing down because I didn't feel like it represented anything that I wanted it to represent, and it didn't necessary speak how I wanted it to but there isn't any of us who is perfect so maybe I needed to get over my own delusions of grandeur. I do know that I do have a story and that yeah maybe there is a person or two out there who would actually appreciate the posts of despair because the only place to go from the bottom is up...or sometimes bottoms up but not the best idea.

Upwardly mobile. I chose that for the title today for multiple reasons. One, I got a new cell phone last weekend. It does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. Two, both my husband and I are in good places job-wise. We might even remember what true stability is like. Three, I have renewed my faith in God. He does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. (See one and two.)

There are a fair number of people in my life to which number three is met with sarcasm and an eye roll or something to that effect. To those people, I can only say...I will pray for you. I am not open for debate with someone who is not open to listening. Intellection only gets you so far...I know that for a fact. If you are too smart to know God, then well, I guess you are clearly a better person than me because I am pretty smart (by testing and not my own delusion) and I finally stopped wrestling with the idea and accepted that there is in fact a God.

Of course, the one step beyond for me is that I also for the first time in over 25 years (believe it or not) have actively been identifying as a Christian. No more of this weird pluralistic BS where I remain more neutral than Switzerland. I have studied, practiced, dabbled in a number of other options but still found myself going back to my Christian roots. Why wouldn't I? For all the reasons that people give for getting involved with other religions and belief systems, all of those other systems are such a crap shoot compared to Christianity. It's simplistic but I could try to live the best possible life as a Buddhist and hope to be reborn better with no real guarantee...or I could be reborn in Christ and by the grace of God see heaven. It's not just a possibility. It is promised.

I sometimes wish I had understood that better long ago, but truth be told, if I had I would not have been able to touch as many people as I can right now. It seems silly but every misstep that I have taken up to today just makes me better able to share that perfection is not a human trait and that the forgiveness of God is great and real. My relationship with God and Christ is not really much different than my relationship with anybody else in someways. I have prayed prayers that sound like I am talking to a friend...F-bombs and all. There are people that would find that offensive but God knows me and He knows my heart. He would much rather me come as I am than not at all.

Come as you are. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was binge drinking (among other things) young student. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was a young unwed mother. I wish I had realized the grace of God was that kind of party as my outer shell toughened from the day-to-day of wearing the hats of employee, student, mom. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party after I was married, after my dad passed, when our whole worldly world fell apart. For all my worldly smarts, I have been quite dense in realizing that God wants you whoever you are, what ever you have done, and it's never too late.

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Luke 15:7

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that verse as propaganda but age has brought wisdom and I know it to be Truth. Truth is good...better than anything you can imagine, really. So, here continues my blog, warts and all, because I am only human.