If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

It's a never-ending circus ride, the faint of heart need not apply.

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of life. My life has unwritten the content and has secured the funding for what you are about to read.

"Mi Vida Loco" was running steadily through my head earlier today. I have thought of it from time to time but not like it was hitting me early this afternoon. This country hit from 1994 has a special place in my heart, and today that heart and these lyrics seemed as one.

See, once upon a time I was a 19 year old I don't even know what I was, maybe just 19, maybe 19 needs no adjectives to describe it because it just is what it is and whenever someone starts a sentence with when I was 19 everyone should just graciously say, that there is nothing else you need to say. So, once upon a time I was 19 and I owed a friend money but I didn't have cash but I had credit so I offered to take her to dinner to be even. So Bert and Ernie, as we were affectionately known, headed to Denny's because it was the only place open where we met Nick and Dan.

Nothing about him would have ever made me think his senior to me was as many years as it was. By the end of the night, we were inseparable. And I knew he would call me because I had his jacket. What ensued was, sigh, what ensued has only ever been matched and superceded by one other person in the history of my life thus far. Being 19, no red flag ever showed up on my radar. He treated me like a queen and I enjoyed every damn minute of it. I could be me and not all hung up on worrying about if I was cool enough. We enjoyed some of the same music and had enough glue that the differences were irrelevant. He would tell me that I looked like Tori Amos and that this song made him think of me.

The ultimate gift, trophy of that relationship would be my daughter.

I don't know nor will I probably ever understand why things went the way that they did. It's not even worth dragging out tonight. I certainly got the better end of the deal, a wonderful, beautiful daughter all to myself, no custody drama, no alternate weekends, no split summers. Just me and my Jo. I am sure it wasn't easy. I am sure there was always wonderining. I wish that I had had answers.

Fast forward and disregard everything else. This afternoon, his dad picked her up. She made contact with the other side as it were several weeks ago and it going to be spending the next several days getting to know them minus her dad. I am grateful. I am grateful that our God is a God of reconciliation and redemption. Grateful but unprepared.

I never realized that all of this would hit me the way it is hitting me. I am happy for her. But I am wondering about myself and my own life that after going through all of that I would find myself in the exact same arrangement with my marriage. Here I am, twenty years later, dealing with a man who walked away from me and our kids and not really sure what I am supposed to learn from all of this.

It's little consolation that God always loves me when the two greatest loves of my life willingly walked away from me and their children. What did I do wrong Lord? Because tonight to be honest, it doesn't feel like I have ever done anything right. It's like everyone else always gets the credit even though I am doing the work. I am kinda salty about that. I don't what to do except write this.

So, yeah, "Mi Vida Loco" it was assigned to me in the summer of 1995. I don't feel much like a wild rose anymore. I do think once upon a time it was a perfect song for me but then a shit-ton of bullshit got in the way of my happily ever after. Shrug. You can't win them all I guess.

I'd like to win one though.

Maybe someday.

I don't know.

Monday, August 24, 2015

If I made you feel second best Girl I'm sorry I was blind

Last couple of weeks, I have really, really been missing someone. I haven't really connected with this person in awhile. I used to totally love to hang out. It's really sad how people lose touch through time and circumstances. It's even sadder when the person you miss is yourself.


This summer, this last couple of months, the last year, the last two years, it's been a particular season. It seems like I am constantly off kilter. So busy merely surviving that I can't live. It's deeper than this season. I have been an adult in the eyes of the law for long enough that my daughter is now an adult in the eyes of the law. Parents make sacrifices. Big hearted people make sacrifices. I made a lot of sacrifices. Some I am 100% okay with but some in the last 2-4 years, maybe longer, were not wise.

Someone once told me that they believed that for me writing and breathing were pretty much the same. I never really thought about it. I just like to write. I like art. I like to write. I like to create. It's just what I do. Creativity is the closest one can get to knowing what it is like to be God and to be one with God. Everyone always thought I would be a writer when I grew up. (Good news, according to my runaway husband I haven't, so there is still time!) I started out college in theater. I always recognized that poets needed to eat. But I never really attempted anything huge. Always so scared of the rejection. My biggest writing accomplishments to date are winning a Bill Morrissey CD from WYSO because I penned a quick poem to Vick Mickunas of which all I remember is"Oh why, oh why must they disparage me and my 91.3"  and getting honorable mention in a poetry contest for a piece called "Easter" that was a nice piece of angst about my imaginary boyfriend calling me up drunk on Easter eve. As an aside, the imaginary boyfriend is a real person, imaginary is just a title he fell into somehow.

Anyway, as this consciousness streams on, as I keep on keeping on, keep on pushing, I have these moments. I miss a random something I used to do. I don't know why some other thing stopped being done. I get flashes of consuming creativity at inopportune times. I know all of what was still is there. But you know sometimes those first few cookies out of the press are not so great, so I just quietly thought is was some random whatever to cope or you know the system just clearing itself out of junk.

Then I went to California. I didn't even have an aching in my heart. I had a long time to just be and observe and apparently some rapid decompression happened. I wrote. I wrote poetry. Mostly I have been stuck in blog and journal mode which is mostly non-fiction. Oh but I wrote something. Something that made me wish I had study hall next hour because I was so in love with my brilliance.  Moments like that, they are rare when I write.

So yeah. I miss me. I miss being creative. Writing, painting, drawing, sewing, some where, somehow I got lost in the shuffle of my own life.

Some day, I will write about it.

But until then, I will just share the poem I wrote on the way to California. I hesitated at first because of some things but then realized it was stupid because I know damn well that even though his music doesn't always have lyrics it's about me. Not delusional, I just know how artist process life.

Stop reverse that. I really want to share this poem. Really, really, really I do. It's not time. I can't quite defend myself on the back end. It's a beautiful poem. It's just that it's a scathingly honest, wistful, sorrow-filled piece of free verse. Maybe some day I will share it.

No, today, or tonight rather, I am going to serenade myself with multiple versions of this old gem.I let myself, let me feel less than. I have no excuse. It's time to move to the next level. Until then, sing it with me...

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I'm thinking of things that I just can't abide

Heh, I am of an age where the word "abide" makes me think of the Dude. I don't really care for that movie but hey, at least I got the reference for it.

Another small victory for Jenkind is that in searching for the video to go with this post, I decided to search for my personal Holy Grail which is an old SNL sketch about parliament. And I found it here heeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Today has been fantastic. That is my story and I am sticking to it. At some point, I did find myself preaching to myself. Over and over saying, it's not a setback, it's a setup. Over and over reminding myself that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Reminding myself because well, I was thinking things that I just can't abide. So yes, at some point, this song popped into my head.

I truly don't understand how things in my life are playing out right in this moment. I have to keep repeating things I know to be true because I 100% do not have any natural understanding of what is going on or why things are playing out like they are or if this is new normal and I missed the memo. I know it to be patently false that the darkside has cookies, so I try to avoid it at all costs.

I have been believing that God works all things to the good of those who love him. I have been believing that God makes all things new. I have been believing that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I ask Him to direct my steps, He says be still.

It's the hardest lesson ever. I am ready, willing and able to do so much more but He says wait. Don't look left or right, but look right at Me he says. Some days it is so easy to do. Today, not so much. It is what it is and it will pass. I struggle with anger at this whole situation, these circumstances. I don't want to be still. I want everything to be better. I want to wake up with a heart that doesn't hurt anymore.

I want to see what the setup was for. I want to see the goodness of the Lord. I want to get to shore so I can stop swimming.

I want everything to come into perfect alignment.

Maybe today...

Maybe today...

But until then, I am just going to roll with it.

Monday, August 10, 2015

If you're going to San Francisco, you're gonna meet some gentle people there

Came home today from 4 days/5 nights in beautiful downtown San Francisco. I would post a picture from the trip but none, nada, zero, zilch, null set of my pictures saved to OneDrive. (Seriously Windows, seriously!)

I am probably going to write about my trip extensively over the next several days. Seriously so fantastic, not bragging, truly grateful for the journey made possible by the grace of God and my brother's loving-kindness.

I picked the title I did because it was my experience with my California trip.

I can't count on one hand the number of times I was hit on. It's good for the soul to be randomly complimented. Apparently, I have a fantastic ass, a beautiful smille, great legs and some kid on a fishing pier wants me to be his "sugar mama." It's flattering really that he perceived me as the kinda gal who could make that happen for him. The award for best line of the trip goes to a homeless gent in Tenderloin. It's the best line because oh honey if he only knew and him saying it is vindication. As I walked past, he said...I do not mean this with any disrespect but your husband is a lucky man with great taste because you are beyond sexy and you made my day just because you smiled at me.

I do smile at everyone. I can't help it. It's who I am. At my core, I am sparkly and shiny and I enjoy the adventure of life.

Speaking of adventure, one of the things I had the opportunity to do is attend Joel Osteen's America's Night of Hope at AT&T Park. I had planned my day to chill until late and then head to 21st Amendment Brewery for lunch then hanging out in the South Beach area. Soooooooooooo...

By Saturday, I had my thousand foot stare perfected. I blended beautifully with the natives. I was walking down Folsom toward my afternoon destinations. A voice next to me suddenly said,"You have beautiful toes." It was a female and a quick side glance prompted me to respond,"Thank you, I get that all the time." I do. No lie. I have people, complete strangers compliment my feet of all things all the time. Conversation ensued. This my friends should be the norm. Two people just having a fantastic conversation on 3rd and Folsom on a lazy August Saturday afternoon. There is hope for humanity after all. I am grateful for the time with that random stranger. Neither one of us offered name, rank or serial number. There was just one moment, that moment and it was she and I and God and nothing else mattered. She shared a story that completely blessed me. It was one of those "random" things. She didn't know me or my background but here she was telling me something about someone she knew and what happened to them and BOOM thank you God for that little wink. Seriously.

I have heard so many horror stories of Bay Area douchebaggery that I was totally prepared for that sorta of seething, smarminess that requires a full set of shots and full armor. Thank you San Francisco for being the San Francisco of the gentle people. Maybe next time I'll buy flowers on Union Square to put in my hair. Because there will be a next time...