If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Doing the Unstuck: Discerning the Next Dimension

The song"Doing the Unstuck" by The Cure is probably one of my favorite songs.

it's a perfect day for letting go
for setting fire to bridges
and other dreary worlds you know
let's get happy!
it's a perfect day for making out
to wake up with a smile without a doubt
to burst grin giggle bliss skip jump and sing and shout
let's get happy!
I am a particular individual that I would be watching a T.D Jakes sermon and have this song pop into my head.

Admittedly, I have not been in the best of spirits the past few days. It's not a depression, seriously it's more of an oppression and my own damned flaw to have to know as much information as possible. It's so easy to be still when the river of life is smooth but man, oh man when you reach that Class 5+ part of the journey things get a little hairy.

So, yeah, there have been parts of this day that I really just had to push through.Not the whole day, just parts here and there. I don't know if it was tiredness or what, but I sat down to journal and floodgates opened up, along with a whole barrage of questions for God. I finished and pulled up YouTube on the Roku and flipped through the recommended videos. T.D. Jakes "Discerning the Next Dimension." was one of those recommendations. I picked it because I have a favorite sermon by another preacher called "Next Level"

Yeah, so, you know how when something random is so appropriate and spot on and it kinda totally gives you some confirmation because after all the YouTube algorithms could not have known the day that I had or what was weighing on my heart. It's pretty much a sermon about getting over your own bullshit and once and for embracing the purpose that God put you here for. It was pretty much a sermon about not letting the continual beatings of life deter you from following what it put on your heart. More or less. It's probably better if you watch it yourself...and don't think of it as a sermon, think of it as a motivational speech with a Biblical reference point.

So what does one have to do with the other?

I think the summation of the Jakes talk is reflective of the following verse of "Doing the Unstuck"
but it's much to late you say
for doing this now
we should have done it then
well it just goes to show
how wrong you can be
and how you really should know
that it's never too late
to get up and go

Maybe I do know what I am supposed to do. Maybe I have always known my next dimension but I let all this insanity cloud my vision and disconnect me from my purpose. I know that I am guilty of this because I used to be up this late all the time writing and creating but I let the shadow in someone else dim my own sweet light.

This verse of the song:
kick out the gloom
kick out the blues
tear out the pages with all the bad news
pull down the mirrors and pull down the walls
tear up the stairs and tear up the floors
oh just burn down the house!
burn down the street!
turn everything red and the dream is complete
with the sound of your world
going up in fire
it's a perfect day to throw back your head
and kiss it all goodbye
It reminds me in a modern way of Isaiah 43:18-19  (NKJV):
18 “Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
 Next level. Next dimension. Doing the Unstuck. It's all possible. Hopefully soon, I'll get to write a post called,"Break on Through to the Other Side."

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

First Day of the Rest of My Life: Take 14,524

As I start this, it must be the right thing to do because Matthew West's "Day One" is playing on the radio right now.

Day one. 

No day before.

Clean slate.

The beginning.

It's late evening as I write this but that's because that is the time I have available to write. I have never been much of a conformist and the older I get the more I see the complete illusion that is calculated time. Shrug. Call me a weirdo. It's okay, I am totally fine with that. 

Lamentations 3:23-24, that's the whole His mercies are new every day thing. Sigh, but in full disclosure...I struggle with this and the idea of hope these days. Shrug. At some point, in a relentless beating, you just give up and shut down. 

That feels awful to type but it is so totally how I feel right now! 

I keep hearing that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but worry. The first time I heard that it was comforting because I have really been wrestling with well, anything and everything. 

Why wouldn't I be? 

My husband left me for a woman who somehow despite working in the women's studies department at the local state university and having done some work she feels worthy of noting involving Christianity...well, she seems to fail to recognize or even implicate herself in the ongoing financial abuse or any of the past verbal, mental, emotional or physical abuse. Plus, she has totally ruined the Beastie Boys for me because now when I hear the lines,"And beatnik chicks just wearing their smocks/ Walking high and mighty like she's #1 and /She thinks she's the passionate one." I for whatever reason think of her. But I digress...

Where was I. Oh, yeah...my husband left me. It's been almost two years. I am still in disbelief. How can a man who says that you are his whole world and that he is so grateful that God gave me to him suddenly decide that livestock makes a better romantic alternative? In my best Church Lady voice,"Hmmmm, could it be Satan?" Damn Skippy.

When all of this broke, I hit my knees and then hit the pavement and came up short. No better job, no better income, and a whole mess of other issues that have me very much fully doubting just about everything. I mean everything! As I sit here on my patio typing this, I am gonna lose this house. I have tried and tried to get more income, to get support on paper, pray, plead, hope, wish. Nothing. I love my little house. And stupidly, part of the reason I love it is because my husband worked so hard and without complaint to get us here. Wanna see the view from here? 
Okay, so the webcam takes a horrible picture. There is so much peace in this backyard. That right corner where it's all bushy should be a vegetable garden but all the rain and lack of time for weeding and um, my love of morning glories has lead to this abomination. You can't see the apple tree or the fire pit or any of the memories of all the good times in this backyard or how absolutely gorgeous the sky is tonight.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself. Yeah, pretty much you would not be wrong to queue up that White Stripes song of a similar name. I didn't need him when I met him or have any weird issue that made me make poor decisions. He was in my life because I wanted him and not just haphazardly, willy nilly. Fuck. (Sorry.) That's what makes this all the harder. I didn't enter into this half-cocked or aimlessly trying to fulfill some need. I repeatedly put him off. I was good in my condo with my daughter and all my friends. Something though said give him a chance.

Famous last words.


He just dropped our son off and he treats me like some two-bit whore he never gave two shits about. Dropped some money on the table on the porch and does not acknowledge me. It's pretty unnerving.


Where was I?

I am not even sure. Seriously. Seriously.

First day of the rest of my life: take 14,524. How many of those days were wasted? I shudder to think. But God's mercies are new every day. Every single solitary stinking day! This is good. It means that no matter how bad I screw up today that tomorrow is a new day. And I do screw up I struggle with forgiveness for my husband and that skank whore he is shacked up with. I struggle to be okay with a world that is okay with what is happening to me and my kids. My kids are absolute proof in a higher force to me, I don't deserve such loveliness, such awesomeness in my life, yet there they are...somehow still calling me Mom and relying on me for things despite the fact the I know without a doubt I have totally dropped the ball of providing sanity, comfort, security, peace. Ugh. I feel very bad about this. This...all of what is going on in this moment...it is not what I ever wanted or envisioned for either of them. I wanted more. Every mother does...

The mercies are new everyday, but the residual feelings of failure never seem to fade.

Maybe I am doing this all wrong.

Please advise.