If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Crazy from the heat or just crazy?

The last couple of days have begged that exact question.  I don't know I could through in a line or two about the best laid plans and add a bit about this or some other thing. It doesn't really matter what I say...or do...it is what it is.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that maybe all of this so-called work is for naught. I mean, if you want to look at things from a certain perspective then...what we are looking at is this moment right now being part of some divine plan. Filtering through all that information, of which I have more than I care to know most days. I can't help but come to the same conclusion,"Shit. We're Fucked!"

Now before you start thinking that's a bit maudlin, consider this gem I heard recently. At any given moment, you are doing the best that you can. If you could do better, you would. So, all of this feeling like I am spinning my wheels, working in a vacuum, somehow black-balled from life...it's the best I can do. Depressing. Bloody depressing.

By that logic, all of the things that I thought were goals or dreams or aspirations are really just torture devices. All that I ever thought I could do then is an illusion, because if I am doing the best that I can at any given time...my best has never been good enough for much of anything. So what's the point of waking up every morning? Seriously, if this is the best I can do...and it's uncomfortable and all attempts to change the situation have no effect...why bother?

Thinking about it a different way. If was meant to be successful at anything, wouldn't it have happened by now? I am sitting a situation now where I can not find a job. Actually, I've given up looking. I would get interviews and they'd want to pay me about $10k/year less than I was making. Experience means nothing. Go ahead, hire those diploma mill girls that couldn't code their way out of a wide open space. Let alone, effectively appeal a bad claim adjudication in less than one hundred steps. When I expanded my search, it wasn't any easier. I am what I am. I am whip smart with a strange bend for logic and patterns and I can't help but to question. It doesn't mean that I am not a team player. It means that I want to make sure I am on the right team.

I have really been struggling with "fitting in". I effin' feel like I am in high school anymore. I would like to be social but alas no one will have me. Okay, not no one so don't bitch at me in email that I said, you know what I mean so don't jump my backside for it. Thank god for my family because without them I really would be alone. My husband says I expect too much from people, which is to say, that I expect them to be on my level or trying to be. I can't help it. I try to take people for who they are, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around certain things about people. I try to look for the sameness but inevitably they always amplify the difference.

I gets pretty old when people call you and all they really want to do is tap the vessel of your great knowledge. Am I the only one who has heard of the internet and knows how to use it? Seriously. Go to Google and play around. That's I how I came to be this wealth of useless information. First, it was books, now it's the internet. Plus, it doesn't make me feel better when someone calls and goes on about how smart or whatever I am. It makes me feel pretty abysmal some days. Especially on the occasions that the knowledge request is job related. So let me get this straight...I can do other people's jobs for them but I don't get any reward from that.

So yeah, I am leaning toward the heat having nothing to do with the wacky mad as a hatter way I have been feeling. I wish there was an emoticons for the twisty thing my face is doing right now. Life's penchant for nihilism rears it's head again...

Monday, July 18, 2011

When I run out of subject lines does it mean the party is over?

I know I mentioned awhile back that I was going to be changing up the format on here and posting more regularly. I guess I lied. Well, not intentionally, I just am finding that plan does not in fact lead to success.

I shouldn't post on a night like this. I just feel really. Dead.

I always feel like Sisyphus. No one ever knows who the hell that is so then I feel even more alone in the world. Lonely, isolated, living in a vacuum. I know it gets old doesn't it?

I am tired of putting my heart into things and never having them take off. I am tired of hearing that one must step out of their comfort zone to find what ever it is they are seeking. Honestly, at this point, my comfort zone is a pretty wide place, what am I supposed to be a drug king pin or something?

I can't buy in to a lot of things lately. God. The American Dream. My own dreams. This town recovering. The idea that things will get better. The notion that the love you take is equal to the love you make. Diet Dr. Pepper tasting as good as regular Dr. Pepper.

It gets to you after awhile.

When I woke up this morning,  I was ready for a great day. I don't know what happened. Well, not entirely. I was very bummed to have a message from the super secret group that the cafe was going to be closed indefinitely. Par for the course tho in this town something awesomely cool comes along that me and the mister enjoy and someone comes along and fucks it all up.


I know I am boring everyone with my malaise. Sorry.

I don't know how I am supposed to get from here to there. There being this ever evolving plan to have a couple of well-thought out regularly posted blogs. This blog would go closer to its roots as a kindness in giving sort a thing with one day being for some specific spiritual type subjects I have been itching to write about, one day for basically giving shout-outs to people I know who have wares they are peddling 'cuz every little link helps (right?) and the third day would be more like this used to be where I posted specific opportunities for giving but unlike before I am not going to try to be middle of the road, I'm gonna post what I like and who I think people should support 'cuz it's my blog. GetCleverNow.com is going to start being less and less about the clever container products and more and more about getting one's shit together in general. I'll still offer the products but they won't be the focus. I actually have one other partially defunct blog that I was going to resurrect and post three days a week with more of a family theme...actually, specifically, I was going to have Mommy Mondays, Wifey Wednesdays, and I forget what Friday was but it was cool.

I may just use the GetCleverNow.com to cover all of that. It would certainly be less posting. IDK, not very good at turning ideas into action anymore. Plus, there is that whole disappointing aspect of no readership. I had a blog for nearly three years I think, and as far as I know I had one regular reader. Some guy in St.Louis who just happened to find it flipping thru blogs.

Anyway...now would be a good time to go to sleep.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Belated Greeting and Insomniac Salutations...

So, I missed posting on Independence Day.Sad, because I could have prewritten something and scheduled it.
It is probably better that I didn't. Feeling diatribe-ish lately in case you hadn't noticed.

Hope that everyone had a nice holiday. We did okay. It was a strange and somewhat surreal weekend to be perfectly honest.

Friday was a bit of a let down because I had been anticipating some things that did not happen as expected. Went to the Dragon's game Friday night which was good, but I just wasn't into it. Having a lot on my mind and dealing with the kids and whatnot just doesn't make for a good time.

Saturday is somewhat of a blur. Dropped the baby off at my mom's (the oldest was already there) so that I could accompany my husband to a gig in Cincy. Aside from feeling like one of the longest days of my life, it was also one of the more disappointing. I'd like to have it stricken from the record.  Literally so much happened between the time I got up on Saturday morning until I went to bed Sunday morning that to write it all out here would sound like a David Foster Wallace novel.

The blur continued on Sunday. Took the long way home from mom's which was an interesting journey, but mostly I was just thankful not to be driving the highway. I can't remember what I even ate for dinner that night.

And just to continue the theme, yep, yesterday was non-eventful and blurry too. Sadly, the fireworks were a bit of a bust IMO too. They got started late. The time was a little choppy. The crowd was far more annoying than I remember.


Something shifted.

Or maybe it's just me...

Friday, July 1, 2011

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves and Other Great Lies.

I am not in a good place tonight. Scarfing down an Endangered Species Chocolate Bar. Dark Chocolate with Almond and Cranberries to be exact, purchased because it has my picture on it LOL

God helps those...
I don't know where that started. I don't know if maybe it used to be true. I don't know if I can restrain hitting the next person I ever hear say that. When you first hear it, you feel a little uplifted. It might even help you get through a tough time. Then, one day the F-bombin' fit hits the shan. And you try and you try and since things are still reasonably together you give thanks and keep trying, not thinking that for all your efforts you are going to wake up one day making substantially less, all of your saving depleted, scraping by. I don't know why the universe keeps choosing to flip me the bird, because I certainly don't feel that way about the universe. The worst part of today was not the disappointment at a glimmer of hope being nothing more than smoke and mirrors. The worst part of the day was getting in the car and looking at the welfare mom and her six kids that we are supporting.

Uneffin believable. Sigh. I feel so isolated. I remember reading something the other day from Queen of Your Own Lifein their facebook feed. I don't know the exact quote but it was something about sharing your life because it helps others or some such touchy feely horse hockey. I don't really have anyone that I can or that I have really talked to about everything that is going on. The drop of income that we had is more than some couples make together in one year. And (heavy sarcasm alert) stupid us we socked away a shit ton of money and paid off the credit cards, so we never went into a full on crisis mode. We cashed out everything paid off the cars and prayed to whatever gods would listen that we could make it until things got steady again. Not exactly a story many people can relate to or even listen to without a fair amount of resentment welling up or a little thought in the back of their head that we are somehow bragging.

Another day like today and my eyes will roll to the back of my head permanently. I just don't get it. If I were to watch Idiocracy right now, I'd probably kick the shit out of my tv. Which would be a feat since it sits on top of our highboy in the bedroom. So sick of these setbacks they are really overshadowing and dampening the goodness in our lives.

The moral of the story so far this week is inspired by my husband who was talking about this scene from Half Baked:

In case, you are wondering, you're the old guy..cuz you're reading this so you're cool.