If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, August 11, 2013

My obession with provision...

If you read the last post you will know that I quit my job.

Honestly, I had thought about calling this post "No Applause, Just Send Money." With an obligatory link to my PayPal account, of course.

So, um, yeah, I quit a job without having a job. Really though, it is just something I do. I don't stay where I am not happy. I don't pretend to play "the game" well so what's the point? I really liked my job...up until the point that they decided to invoke abuse the "other duties as necessary" clause and put me into a hell that I readily declined multiple times. What do I mean by that? Well, I was doing a job a company with a few different departments. Prior to being called about the job that I did have, I had people crawling out the wood work trying to place me in a job in a different department. A job that I would wouldn't touch with a rented stick, mind you. So fast forward to this position that I did take and all of it's awesomeness to find one day that "business need" , oh and a dry budget, precipitate the move to this line I so graciously denied like honestly at least 20 times (which in a town this size that's like thousands). Anyway, long story short I tried to roll with it and it wasn't happening so I took a step in faith and quit.

Deep breath.

I am not so good doing things by faith. Sure, I felt fantabulous quitting and motivated and alive and yada yada yada but once the initial energy and life's unique inability to mimic my fantasies set in...it got ugly...in my head. In the two weeks since I quit, I have not only regretted quitting this job but also every job move that I have made since 11th grade. Wonderfully neurotic, I know. I am working on it.

The first week of freedom...I was golden.

The second week...I was okay.

This week...um...I'll get back to you.

I spent the first week immersed in unfinished projects, full of bravado and confident that I was making good choices. Well, until that Thursday when my last paycheck hit and I examined the situation as far as food and bills and what not went.  Then, then, then, well, I felt a bit of remorse...which spiraled out of control.

So between that little bit of remorse and my obsession, I felt so awful. I was trying to search things to help me but I just couldn't find the right keywords. One night, on Twitter of all places, someone posted something with the hashtag provision. Yep. That's it. That's the word I was looking for.

As I have previously mentioned, I am horribly human in things of faith. My monkey-mind sometimes has a hard time wrapping itself around the idea that no matter what I do or don't do, it'll get taken care of. I am learning but it is such a process!

I have two choices right now: I can completely and totally freak the hell out and spiral out of control in a fit of anxious unhingement or I can take a deep breath and trust that everything that needs to be taken care of will, when it needs to be.

I am not gonna sit here and say that it is easy for me to not completely spaz out. It is not. What does it solve though? Nothing. If anything it complicates every thing. I am so done with complication. I just want peace.

I have been praying and praising and counting blessings where ever I find them. Choosing to walk in light, because quite frankly they lied about the dark side having cookies and I can't live in a world without cookies.

It's different.

Different is good.

God is good.

All the time.

I hope you can find that too.