If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, June 24, 2005

Tonight, though, we shall talk about men. Specifically, my recent experiences, the issue that is the crux of my current disposition. I had been dating (at least, I thought that's what we were doing) this guy since November. We had actually started talking near the end of September, and I really freaking liked this SOB. I mean, I hadn't felt like this in YEARS!

Things really seemed to be going well. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, no big deal. I've always been keen on the idea of working through them. So, when he decided to do some projects that monopolized most of his time, I was willing to do what it took to ride out the time. That was March. Now, had he said,"Hey you know, I'm going to be really too busy for any sort of relationship, even just friends, I'm sorry but I think it would be better if we ended this now"... well, it would have hurt, but I wouldn't have put effort and energy into the relationship. No, see, he didn't say that he gave a whole spiel about how these were things he really felt he needed to do, he just needed me to be patient with him, blah, blah, fucking blah.

Unfortunately, patience is a virtue and being virtuous has never been a strong suit of mine. I did my absolute best to deal with the changes. They were hard...going from a very communicative relationship to nearly nothing. Serious withdrawl, let me tell you. God, I had been so spoiled with attention up to that point. The other piece of this is that other aspects of my life had decided that they want to have issues too. Life as a single mom is never easy, constantly juggling and trying to keep everything together without falling apart yourself. So, it got harder and harder to deal with the relationship. I've been burnt before, and I started to question whether or not it was happening again.

Mid-April, I posed these doubts to him. His reply--that I was being silly and I worry too much.
A reply which I took to mean that maybe, just maybe he was feeling it too. But then things went horribly wrong, stress and neglect took its toll. I lost my temper, shot my mouth off. Oh well, I went to talk to him patch things up. I left his place feeling like everything was really going to be okay.

By the end of that week, it was apparent that maybe he and I hadn't been in the same conversation. And I was getting really pissed that he sat there and looked me in the eye and voiced agreement....grrr. I couldn't take it. So tired of talking to the voice mail, and needing to focus my energies on other things I left one more message. The gist? Since it's such a hassle, you don't have to worry about calling me back. And with that I am off to bed.......
So, here we are alone in my blog? Don't worry it's my first time, too. Gosh, it's nice to be able to say that about something, because somedays it seems like there is nothing left for me to do but get fat and die. Cheerful, huh?

Ever feel so...so...so...just ARGH, that you didn't know what to do with yourself? That's me right now. I hear they make medications for this sort of thing, but honest to God it doesn't change a damn thing about my life, only blurs the edges. If there is any blurring to be done, I'll do it the old-fashioned way--double-scotch on the rocks with a vodka chaser and a beer for good measure. Or I'll just kick things. Yes, kicking things--nice, but only inanimate things or the air because I don't want to hurt anything, I just want to stop feeling so ARGH!

It's been a decade of nothing going my way. I try to improve upon my mistakes, do things differently, but it really seems like I'm running out of ways to change things. I try to talk to people, or whatever, but none of it seems to work for me. I dunno, a lot of times it seems like everyone decided who I was a longtime ago, and they're all still holding on to that illusion. Or they just flat out don't understand. It's never been easy to be me, and it gets harder as I get older.

So, what brings me here? Random, anonymous bitching. Hahaha. Seriously, I've been so angry lately that I can't even put it in words. I can talk around it. You all know how that goes, the pretending that everything is a-ok while you keep shoving all the shit that hurts down in that place where you put everything to deal with later. I guess you could call it the basement of your soul. (Granted, I'm not sure I have much of one left. Not too long ago I dreamt that I had been denied a loan because I had no coolant in my soul. To me is seemed to say,"Girl, you're empty" and it scared me because it is so true.) Anyway, my basement is in serious need of spring cleaning, but I am certain that there isn't enough alcohol in the world to deal with these feelings.

I tend to catagorize my problems in groups, you know, work, family, friends, men (although I almost always call them boys because I've yet to me one who wasn't). So, right now all my little catagories seem to have gotten together for an experiment in torturous chaos...