If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, June 24, 2005

Tonight, though, we shall talk about men. Specifically, my recent experiences, the issue that is the crux of my current disposition. I had been dating (at least, I thought that's what we were doing) this guy since November. We had actually started talking near the end of September, and I really freaking liked this SOB. I mean, I hadn't felt like this in YEARS!

Things really seemed to be going well. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, no big deal. I've always been keen on the idea of working through them. So, when he decided to do some projects that monopolized most of his time, I was willing to do what it took to ride out the time. That was March. Now, had he said,"Hey you know, I'm going to be really too busy for any sort of relationship, even just friends, I'm sorry but I think it would be better if we ended this now"... well, it would have hurt, but I wouldn't have put effort and energy into the relationship. No, see, he didn't say that he gave a whole spiel about how these were things he really felt he needed to do, he just needed me to be patient with him, blah, blah, fucking blah.

Unfortunately, patience is a virtue and being virtuous has never been a strong suit of mine. I did my absolute best to deal with the changes. They were hard...going from a very communicative relationship to nearly nothing. Serious withdrawl, let me tell you. God, I had been so spoiled with attention up to that point. The other piece of this is that other aspects of my life had decided that they want to have issues too. Life as a single mom is never easy, constantly juggling and trying to keep everything together without falling apart yourself. So, it got harder and harder to deal with the relationship. I've been burnt before, and I started to question whether or not it was happening again.

Mid-April, I posed these doubts to him. His reply--that I was being silly and I worry too much.
A reply which I took to mean that maybe, just maybe he was feeling it too. But then things went horribly wrong, stress and neglect took its toll. I lost my temper, shot my mouth off. Oh well, I went to talk to him patch things up. I left his place feeling like everything was really going to be okay.

By the end of that week, it was apparent that maybe he and I hadn't been in the same conversation. And I was getting really pissed that he sat there and looked me in the eye and voiced agreement....grrr. I couldn't take it. So tired of talking to the voice mail, and needing to focus my energies on other things I left one more message. The gist? Since it's such a hassle, you don't have to worry about calling me back. And with that I am off to bed.......

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