If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This is the end, my only friend, the end

Alas, this will be the last post to this page.
It's time to move on.
I'm moving to an undisclosed albeit easily guessible location.
However, I'm probably not going to be blogging as much.
I think I need to connect and reconnect with people.
I need good people in my life.
It's been fun.
Take care!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The label in that sweater said "100% acrylic"

Jordan leaves for camp in the morning, and mom gets two days without her. Whatever will I do?

For various reasons, here look: http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaving

My work here is done.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Don't think life is complicated?

I have been thinking a lot lately about how interconnected my love life has been. If you only count the guys that I have been somewhat romantically linked to at some point, turns out a lot of them know each other independently of knowing me. I got bored and did a little chart. I'd put it up here 'cuz it quite pretty, but I can't get the format right.

I think it means it's time to move to a new state.

Or maybe it means I really am the center of the universe.

At any rate, it's a little mind blowing that guys I was involved with 10 years ago probably know guys I have been recently involved with. Granted, it wouldn't come up in conversation because they aren't aware.

If I get it formatted, I'll throw it up here for everyone else's amusement. I could write it all out but it's truly complex and would get confusing. Not just because of the web that has been woven, but because in this web there are 2 Jons, 2 Jasons, 3 Robs, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Too much freetime?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Simply a look can break your heart

So, I bought some pants today. Size 8. No, not bragging. Kind of in disbelief really.

It's been a long day. Got a lot of the house put back together, but it's not nearly done. As predicted I was up by 8, and I should sleep well tonight.

Also, bought a dress. I don't know where the hell I am ever going to wear this dress, but now I have a new dress. It's one of those knit jersey hoochie dresses for lack of any better description. It was a $44 dress, and I got it for $4. Jordan was insistent that I needed this dress. I mostly bought it to shut her up. It does look good on me, but like I said no clue where I might wear it.

Sleepy, sleepy Jen is going to grab as snack and hit the sack.

Heh, I should post my dreams. Had one the other night that was almost entirely about capri pants, it's been like that since I started sleeping better. I've dreamt of things I haven't seen in years, places from elementary school, people I'd nearly forgotten about... as if I haven't slept in 30 years and I'm just now getting around to processing it. Kinda kooky...kinda scary, but I'll take it over exhaustion any day.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I'm the root of all that's evil, but you can call me "Cookie"

Technical difficulties reinforce the notion that pessimism is a better outlook on life. After all, if I had been pessimistic, I would not be disappointed right now that I'm still using the dial-up.

Lots on my mind, but no energy to type it.

My kid is joining the chess club to meet boys. I'm not crazy about the meet boys part because she is really too young to be thinking about things like that, but it's chess club boys so... Actually, she's joining it for the chess so she can get better and finally beat me. Although, I wish I would have thought of that. Hmm, except I was already friends with all the guys in chess club when I was in school, so it would have been somewhat redundant.

I need to quit smoking but I have all the willpower of...several horrible, yet funny analogies...

I'm going to bed and I'm not getting up 'til 8am. Ha, even if I said noon, I'd still be up by 8. Maybe overnight the DSL fairy will have been here. (I know though it won't get rectified 'til closer to the end of the timeframe they gave.)

Night all!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Think I'll slip on down to the oasis...


That's how I feel physically right now. Ever since BW3 yesterday, just bleh. Could have been the spicy garlic, could have been the uncomfortable moment when everyone recounted the last time they were at that B-dubs and I knew the exact daate without thinking. Must remember to try to be like the others...

Guess what! Tomorrow I'm joining the 21st century!

And now I am off to buy stuff, not fun stuff, but some stuff I need.

Things seem unusually calm, should I be worried?

Come to think of it, maybe I should, last time I felt like this I ended up at the hospital.

Definately, bleh.

Monday, September 11, 2006

To take my life as I would a whore, I know I’m better than before

I'm so excited! My mom came over and helped me get the border up in my living room and hallway tonight. It all looks awesome! I just want to sit on the couch and stare at the wall.

So kids, I think I have a story to tell I don't know how to start it. I'm feeling very, very smarmy right now. Okay here it goes...

When I was in high school, the love of my life was a tall, dark and dangerous kid named Jon. We loved each other as much as two people can when they're in high school. Like many a votatile teenaged couple, we were on and off again. Off usually because he had found some girl that he needed to fuck around with and on usually because she never made him feel like I did.

He had not had the best of lives. By the time I met him, he had lost both parents. He was basically a good kid though. He had horrible issues with trust, though. From time to time, he would get it in his head that I was lying to him. He would try to catch me in lies all the time.

Since we were on and off, and well, in high school and I knew his temperment all too well sometimes I was guilty of errors of omission. Ok, and a few out and out whoppers, but really would you want to tell someone who is 6'4", 250 that um, yeah you may have made out with his cousin at that Shawnee game?

His solution to this problem was simple. He would pretty much either coerce or pay someone that he knew I would open up with to set me up on a three-way call. I only really remember three times he did that, after that it was just his own special third degree. I didn't really mind, at the time I think he was the only guy who recognized that I was hot and smart, and to some extent dating him brought a certain level of protection that although twisted was at times comforting.

Trust. Sometimes it comes easy, you just intrinsically know that the person who stands before you is solid. Other times it takes a bit of work. Then other times still trust you once had disappears.

I need to be able to fully trust the people in my life. I keep my herd small because there are a lot of shifty motherfuckers in my daily life. Wolves in sheep clothing. People who constantly underestimate me as a human being.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, kids, I've been having an email conversation, and trust has been one of the issues, specifically as it relates to a person NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVED in the relationship. For nanoseconds, I thought maybe things have changed,maybe he is finally listening to me.

But as I read the last email, something struck me. thanks to the modern age, I don't need to set up a complicated three-way ruse. Thus, on the basis that a blog entry exist entitled,"lyrics from him to her, analogy time, lyrics me to her" I know that my words have once again fallen on deaf ears.

Or maybe I'm just narcissistic and it's just coincidental.

Yeah right!

The answer to what plagues you is not if you were the last man ever.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Well I'm singing this song, cause it's time it was sung

I think it's time to officially resign from my resignation from life. Actually, I am going to rename it a sabbatical from responsibility.

Sometimes the answers do come when you stop thinking about the questions.

You know what a good song would be tonight? Old Shoes by Tom Waits. Maybe just a smidge...

Though I held in my hand, the key to all joy
Honey my heart was not born to be tamed.
And goodbye, so long, the road calls me dear
And your tears cannot bind me anymore,
And farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes
Can I kiss you, and then I'll be gone.

Another couple of emotional housekeeping things, and I may have my groove back.

Saturday, September 9, 2006

If your colors were like my dreams...

It is amazing what a couple of good nights of sleep can do for a girl!

Believe it or not, I have slept well the past couple of nights.

I don't know if I mentioned it but earlier in the week I did some inebriated emailing.
I don't remember what I said, nor have I the inclination to reread it.
All that matters is I said stuff to someone.

I was thinking about some of it today.
I don't know. I haven't felt as angry about things the past couple of days.
I'm okay with things that I had been letting tear me up.
I can't change the past.
I'm sure in my pickled posting I probably said something about Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure of this because of something on his blog. Really people shouldn't be soo closed minded.

Tonight, I'm going to leave you with two of her songs.
First, "Behind These Hazel Eyes" because of memories I have, specifically with the video. See, one night, a night that really should have been our night I had to listen to how upset Rachel was at his giddiness surrounding our one month anniversary. I had to hear how she whined that he never did (insert whatever sweet thing he was doing here) for her. I had to hear all of this in lieu of getting my groove on. I ended up on my own couch because I just didn't know what to say, because really I should have never had to say no talking about her in my bed. Anyhow, as I lay there vegging out to the FUSE channel, this video came on. Ever seen it?
Definately not a concept I needed to see...she's getting ready to get married...has this vision of him with some other chick...surprise surprise that chick's at the wedding...she walks out before he can put the ring on her finger, but not before chucking the ring at the other woman.
Yeah, it's like that.

The second is everyone's (well, everyone except pasty pretentious types who think their so much cooler than the rest of the world) favor new breakup anthem "Walkaway" There is no other song (unless I wrote one) that so succinctly describes how I was really starting to feel. Oh god, especially the "You've got your mother and your brother/Every other undercover/Tellin' you what to say" line. It's a damn shame we didn't go to Bosco's with Mark because I might have got up and rocked this bad boy like I would in my car.

These two songs they are the end of the relationship.
There never seemed to be anything I could say or do to change any of it.
Don't think it doesn't bother me,
but maybe it's for the best seeing as maybe I'm
just too normal for someone like him.

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

"Walk Away"

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say (say)
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk (walk) away
(Just walk away)
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away

Friday, September 8, 2006

Going to California with an aching in my heart

One time, I smashed his arm in the door attempting to put motion to the word of the Temper Tantrum Turtle song on the Sweet Pickles album.

I don't know why this of all memories has been on me today.

But it is...

My brother will be leaving at 6am for a new life in San Francisco.

We had dinner tonight, and went to Tom's Corn Maze in Germantown.

I don't know what bothers me more: the fact that I don't know when I will see him again or that everyone seems to get out of here but me.

I think I'd feel worse if I wasn't sure that he will find better things there than he has found here.

It's been a week, eh?

Turns out there is just enough chianti left to put me to sleep, so that's my plan.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away

Thick As A Brick -- Jethro Tull
Really don't mind if you sit this one out.
My words but a whisper - your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can't make you think.
Your sperm's in the gutter - your love's in the sink.
So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.
And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in
the tidal destruction
the moral melee.
The elastic retreat rings the close of play as the last wave uncovers
the newfangled way.
But your new shoes are worn at the heels and
your suntan does rapidly peel and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.
And the love that I feel is so far away:
I'm a bad dream that I just had today - and you
shake your head and
say it's a shame.

Spin me back down the years and the days of my youth.
Draw the lace and black curtains and shut out the whole truth.
Spin me down the long ages: let them sing the song.

See there! A son is born - and we pronounce him fit to fight.
There are black-heads on his shoulders, and he pees himself in the night.
make a man of him
put him to trade
teach him
to play Monopoly and
to sing in the rain.

The Poet and the painter casting shadows on the water
as the sun plays on the infantry returning from the sea.
The do-er and the thinker: no allowance for the other
as the failing light illuminates the mercenary's creed.
The home fire burning: the kettle almost boiling
but the master of the house is far away.
The horses stamping - their warm breath clouding
in the sharp and frosty morning of the day.
And the poet lifts his pen while the soldier sheaths his sword.

And the youngest of the family is moving with authority.
Building castles by the sea, he dares the tardy tide to wash them all aside.

The cattle quietly grazing at the grass down by the river
where the swelling mountain water moves onward to the sea:
the builder of the castles renews the age-old purpose
and contemplates the milking girl whose offer is his need.
The young men of the household have
all gone into service and
are not to be expected for a year.
The innocent young master - thoughts moving ever faster
has formed the plan to change the man he seems.
And the poet sheaths his pen while the soldier lifts his sword.

And the oldest of the family is moving with authority.
Coming from across the sea, he challenges the son who puts him to the run.

What do you do when
the old man's gone - do you want to be him? And
your real self sings the song.
Do you want to free him?
No one to help you get up steam
and the whirlpool turns you `way off-beam.

I've come down from the upper class to mend your rotten ways.
My father was a man-of-power whom everyone obeyed.
So come on all you criminals!
I've got to put you straight just like I did with my old man
twenty years too late.
Your bread and water's going cold.
Your hair is too short and neat.
I'll judge you all and make damn sure that no-one judges me.

You curl your toes in fun as you smile at everyone - you meet the stares.
You're unaware that your doings aren't done.
And you laugh most ruthlessly as you tell us what not to be.
But how are we supposed to see where we should run?
I see you shuffle in the courtroom with
your rings upon your fingers and
your downy little sidies and
your silver-buckle shoes.
Playing at the hard case, you follow the example of the comic-paper idol
who lets you bend the rules.

Come on ye childhood heroes!
Won't you rise up from the pages of your comic-books
your super crooks
and show us all the way.
Well! Make your will and testament. Won't you?
Join your local government.
We'll have Superman for president
let Robin save the day.

You put your bet on number one and it comes up every time.
The other kids have all backed down and they put you first in line.
And so you finally ask yourself just how big you are
and take your place in a wiser world of bigger motor cars.
And you wonder who to call on.

So! Where the hell was Biggles when you needed him last Saturday?
And where were all the sportsmen who always pulled you though?
They're all resting down in Cornwall
writing up their memoirs for a paper-back edition
of the Boy Scout Manual.

See there! A man born - and we pronounce him fit for peace.
There's a load lifted from his shoulders with the discovery of his disease.
take the child from him
put it to the test
teach it
to be a wise man
how to fool the rest.

We will be geared to the average rather than the exceptional
God is an overwhelming responsibility
we walked through the maternity ward and saw 218 babies wearing nylons
cats are on the upgrade
upgrade? Hipgrave. Oh, Mac.

In the clear white circles of morning wonder,
I take my place with the lord of the hills.
And the blue-eyed soldiers stand slightly discoloured (in neat little rows)
sporting canvas frills.
With their jock-straps pinching, they slouch to attention,
while queueing for sarnies at the office canteen.
Saying -- how's your granny and
good old Ernie: he coughed up a tenner on a premium bond win.

The legends (worded in the ancient tribal hymn) lie cradled
in the seagull's call.
And all the promises they made are ground beneath the sadist's fall.
The poet and the wise man stand behind the gun,
and signal for the crack of dawn.
Light the sun.

Do you believe in the day? Do you?
Believe in the day! The Dawn Creation of the Kings has begun.
Soft Venus (lonely maiden) brings the ageless one.
Do you believe in the day?
The fading hero has returned to the night - and fully pregnant with the day,
wise men endorse the poet's sight.
Do you believe in the day? Do you? Believe in the day!

Let me tell you the tales of your life of
your love and the cut of the knife
the tireless oppression
the wisdom instilled
the desire to kill or be killed.
Let me sing of the losers who lie in the street as the last bus goes by.
The pavements ar empty: the gutters run red - while the fool
toasts his god in the sky.

So come all ye young men who are building castles!
Kindly state the time of the year and join your voices in a hellish chorus.
Mark the precise nature of your fear.
Let me help you pick up your dead as the sins of the father are fed
the blood of the fools and
the thoughts of the wise and
from the pan under your bed.
Let me make you a present of song as
the wise man breaks wind and is gone while
the fool with the hour-glass is cooking his goose and
the nursery rhyme winds along.

So! Come all ye young men who are building castles!
Kindly state the time of the year and join your voices in a hellish chorus.
Mark the precise nature of your fear.
See! The summer lightning casts its bolts upon you
and the hour of judgement draweth near.
Would you be
the fool stood in his suit of armour or
the wiser man who rushes clear.
So! Come on ye childhood heroes!
Won't your rise up from the pages of your comic-books
your super-crooks and
show us all the way.
Well! Make your will and testament.
Won't you? Join your local government.
We'll have Superman for president
let Robin save the day.
So! Where the hell was Biggles when you needed him last Saturday?
And where were all the sportsmen who always pulled you through?
They're all resting down in Cornwall - writing up their memoirs
for a paper-back edition of the Boy Scout Manual.

So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick

Monday, September 4, 2006

Dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had

The one beautiful thing about my recent resignation from life is that I have spent most of this evening watching music channels. Laying on the floor in my melancholy, it's like being sixteen again except for I had a much easier time hooking up with people then.

Actually, I soaked in the tub for a bit. I thought that if I listened to my ol' friend Tori that I could break this wall. Maybe I should have chose something other than "Under the Pink"

Between residual ickiness of last night's drinking and my massively over the top anxiety today, I feel like vomiting and my chest is on fire.

It's going to be a shitty week. My bro leaves Saturday for California. He might as well be moving to Antartica, because when am I ever going to be able to afford to visit him?

I feel like I should leave y'all with a song. I don't know,nothing really sings to me today...wait, maybe a little Concrete Blonde. I've had this song floating around my head for a while. Truthfully, I never really cared for this song when the album came out. It okay because it's CB and because it's got my name in it, but it never set my world on fire...until I got older...

Jenny I Read

Jenny I read something you said about
Rock and roll and life and death
Ah, jenny I read they carried you home
Broken, beaten all alone

Oh, jenny you said
Jenny you thought
Give them all that they want
Everything that you got
Oh, jenny my dear
It’s a wicked city
Once you’re young, stupid and pretty

And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)
They’re making angry loud noises (kicking back at the world)
And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)

Jenny they cried
Jenny they screamed
Your picture in every magazine
Yeah, ya wanted it all
But the american dream was nothing to write home about

She was the next big thing
And the telephone was ringing all of the time
You were wined and dined every night
Then one day it was over
And where are you now they wonder

And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)
They’re making angry loud noises (kicking back at the the world)
And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)

Superstar, that’s what you are

And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)
They’re making angry loud noises (kicking back at the the world)
And all the angry young boys (and all the angry young girls)

Behind their, their fingers
Eyes aside
In sharp little whispers
They say it’s her
It is her
What happened to her
She knows this
And she smiles

She doesn’t look anything
Anything like her pictures
She used to be
She used to be
She used to be

But she knows this and she smiles
For she has miles and miles of memories all to herself
Everything in between then and now
And all her images of everything in between now and then
And all they have
Ah, pictures

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Going where the water taste like wine...

...so i can jump in the water and stay drunk all the time :)

Yeah, it's about the only attainable "goal" I have these days.

The irony is that I am not unattractive nor uninteresting... really don't get me started.

Drunk is good. I'd count the ways but I can't seem to get past one.

The joys of a nice chianti...

Shrug...the movement, not the band.

It's the damnedest thing, I still can't cry. I've culivated a whole new level of stoicism. It's pretty sad.

I've pretty much latched onto that one Panic! at the Disco song. It's like track 12 on the cD and it has a ridiculously long tititle but what's important are the following lyrics, because the following lyrics totally espouse the way I feel as of late. And the fact that I used the word espouse proves I haven't drank enough to be a mere mortal. Any here goes an artist rendition of how Jenny feels as if it's being sung to me by someone who contributed to my destruction...

Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman.
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under dressed.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring end
Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman.
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under dressed.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring end
When you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes, woah-oh
Everything goes according to plan.
I'm the new cancer,Never looked better, you can't stand it.
Because you say so under your breath.
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer,Never looked better and you can't stand it.
Next is a trip to the.. the ladies room in vain andI bet you just can't keep up(keep up!) with these fashionistas and. Tonight tonight, you are you are a whispering campaign.I bet to them, your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like sh-- Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.And keep telling yourself that,"I'm a diva"Oh and the smokes in that cigarette box On the table, they just so happen to be laced with Nitroglycerin.
I'm the new cancer,Never looked better, you can't stand it.
Because you say so under your breath.
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer,Never looked better and you can't stand it.
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?I've never looked better and you can't stand it.Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?I've never looked better and you can't stand it.And I know and I know, It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up. I've never been so surreptitious, so of course I'll be distracted when I spike the punch.
Call it a mood. Call it a shift in the winds of my life. No one looks at me anymore. No one's knocking at my door.
Where is the justice in life? I bust my ass and get nothing. Meanwhile,
complete waste of space use neopotism to land
jobs that other people have worked their whole life to get.
I'm moving to England in hope of becoming a hooligan. I like Manchester United, and
damn it! I'm not afraid to beat people up to prove it!
Or I'm just going to pour another glass.

'Cuz I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be

Yesterday was a lot of fun, I mean if you ignore me nearly catching my house on fire, some brief plumbing problems, locking my keys in the car and other minor near catastrophes.

I nearly have my living room painted. Woohoo, it's only going on two months since I started.
Sarah came over bearing Krispy Kreme as incentive for me to help her work on her resume.

Very little resume work was done.
We ended up running downtown so I could see for myself that Seattle East was in fact closed :( Then we swung by Gem City Records which I didn't care for really. I haven't been in there since they went under new management. The Tyler Durden in me has a lot to say about the way it is now. I mean, really, I can't tell you the last time I went shopping for music and thought to myself,"You know what would be great? Fairy themed scented candles, why can't I buy hard rock and fairy candles in the same store?!"

After that we went to lunch as Elsa's and to The Greene. I don't really care for the Greene either, but really wasn't much else to do yesterday.

As a side note, Sarah is probably moving soon as she looks to have snagged a position on a Hawaiian cruise line. She's worried that she won't pass the training, using her poor
PE track record to back her up. I told her there is a big difference between this and PE, mainly that she wants this and she wants to be there.

Having horrible Rob & Rachel dreams again. Not all the time, but enough to piss me off.

I really need some sort of distraction.
Maybe if I get all the painting done this morning, I'll go hunt one down.
I wanted to go to Canal Street last night, but remembered that it is
my opinion that the scene doesn't want me anyore. Rethinking
my campaign to get some folks to go to Dayton MusicFest with me, too.
Sure we all want to see the drummer with the arms that make a girl swoon, but
I can't say that it's worth the price of admission.

Jess sent me an email with a job posting she found. :)

Back to painting with me. Maybe it'll be nice enough to hit Alter-fest today. (Just a
parochial school festival, not a bacchanalian quest to reach other
levels of consciousness.


Friday, September 1, 2006

Open my front door, hear my back door slam

It's Zep and probably half a trillion blues songs if you're curious.

Today I learned that I can spend an inordinate amount of time on wikipedia. I also learned I may be a redneck which is apparently different from a hick or hillbilly in that hick's and hillbilly's backwardness comes from geographical isolation. Really, who knew? Fascinating stuff, huh?

I'm quite looking forward to this school year. Lots of stuff going on, and well Jordan's pretty excited about it.

In general, very quite annoyed but rather than rant I have a big bowl of homeade chocolate pudding (remember the fudge that didn't turn out) and homemade whipped cream to take solace.

Maybe I'll come back to what all is annoying me...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I'm the type of guy that says, "The puddin is delicious"

Sorry, I heard that song for the first time in probably a decade and I just felt like spreading the love.

Also, it should be noted that Splenda doesn't make a good fudge but it's a damn fine sauce.

Not much else to report...in the words of another damn fine song "somethings gotta give, somethings gotta give, somethings gotta give!"

I'm feeling like I need to take something apart with a sledgehammer. I wonder if there are any demolition crews hiring?

Monday, August 28, 2006

I'm a diva, I'm a diva

Colonel White 34, Valley View 9

Valley View 9!?! WTF? Against Colonel White?!?!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that on the front page of the Dayton Daily News. It sure is front page stuff, the rarely beaten VV getting creamed by a city league team.

Apparently, this is the new story of my life...

Monday, August 21, 2006

Next is a trip to the ladies' room in vain

I don't have much to say. Listenin' to Panic! at the Disco right now. The blog title is from "There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You just Haven't Figured It Out Yet"

Wondering if I should call someone. I know they told me to call them, but I'm not sure it really a good idea. "Um, hi it's Jenny I'm just calling because you told me to call. I don't really have anything significant to say." I'm sure that would go over well.

Not feelin' me makes it hard... to do a lot of things.

I've got nothing to lose by calling. The question really is whether or not I want to be starting something.

I've got a whole lot of what ifs swimming in my head.

Maybe I should just sleep on it.

Or just pretend I made it all up.

Yes, that could work!

I made it all up.

I made it up to make me feel better.

Not that it's helping...

My resignation stands.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'm rolling down the hill snowballing getting bigger

Even my cheerleaders aren't helping these days...

I'm not sure what to say anymore.

I give up.

This is in fact my offical resignation. I fail at everything I try, so I'm just going to stop trying. I'm going to stop caring, and I am just going to accept this cesspool is my life.

It's so bad, I can't even cry.

I feel like if I could get a good cry in it would be a little bit cathartic. I can't...I've tried.

Sigh, I wish I knew where I went wrong. It'd be nice to think that all of my hard work hasn't been for naught. Much the same way it'd be nice to think that there is a Santa Claus, I suppose.

Accept this resignation from life with my deepest regrets that I couldn't be whatever it was I needed to be to make things different.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

C'mon, c'mon hurry up Harry c'mon

I'm tired. I don't even know why I am not in bed. Well, I was IMing with my new buddy. If I meet him in person, then he'll be a friend. He's a bit younger than me (read as 10 years). But other than that I should go to bed...

It turns out that most everyone I work with at Fraze thinks that I am in my early 20s. I don't think I look THAT young, but I'll take it.

Ah, Miss Murder by AFI is playing. I really dig this song.

Well, I didn't get the transfer :'(

Been really feeling down in general. I don't know why but I have a ton o' rage residing in me. Most of it's Rob related. It's quite an accomplishment that one person has triggered this much crazy 28 Days style monkey rage in me. I don't even want to think about him, but I find myself doing so. It sucks. I think it would be better if I felt like he was really sorry for the way he has made me feel. I don't believe that he is, and it's too late to change that. Plus, the other thing that's nagging at me is that I feel like I have to retreat from all I know because I don't want it to ever have to come up in casual conversation with people I meet that might also know him that I dated him.

Between him and Alice, I should probably just move to a new city. Or start dating the religious right, at least there I'm pretty sure I have a trillion degrees of separtation to deal with rather than this less than 2 I seem to have now.

I'm making baby steps in my dealing with my trust issues. I have a feeling though, it's going to end up being something I can't deal with on my own. Not to mention the fact that the last couple of boys I've dealt with not only had interest outside of me, but seemed to enjoy throwing it in my face. There was that whole Kerry/Brian thing before RobNRachel. I sincerely hope that he lifts his self-imposed ban on reading this blog, so that he knows that I really and truly don't ever wish to speak with him again. There is no way he read this blog like he said he did, because if he really did then he would have truly realized the impact that words etc would have had on me. First guy in a longtime to tell me he loved me, and didn't really mean it.

He'll argue otherwise. He's wrong. He seems to think that everything is excusable because he's always been a fuck-up. It's the one thing I wish I would have known in the beginning, because I would have never let myself get in so deep.

I'm trying hard not to think that people suck and boys suck, but the world's not giving me much to work with right now.

I just don't like feeling like this. World is beating me down hardcore lately. I want to believe that it will get better, but---

Off to bed, I guess...

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

I got a bitch who's a man 'cause they're bitches, too

Okay, all I have to say it I am contemplating some serious, serious stuff. It's been said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...and there are websites to prove it.

Don't Date Him Girl AND WomanSavers

The question is am I that evil and can I bear the karmic retribution.

Feelin' a yes to both, but maybe I'll just read and enjoy sweet revenge vicariously.

Monday, August 7, 2006

She tried to tell me shes a virgin -- with her yea wide gap

For those of you who haven't noticed, I've taken to song lyrics for blog titles. Today is from "Mona Lisa" by Slick Rick. heh, I could take this time to tell of how I am thinking of living my life by the lyrics of "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" ...
"There's girlies out here that seem appealing
But they all come in your life and cold hurt your feelings
I'm telling you as rick is my name
I wouldn't trust a girl unless she feels the same
Treat em like a prostitute (do what? )
Dont treat no girlie well until youre sure of the scoop
'cause all they do is they hurt and trample"
Hmm, makes me seem kind of bitter. Yikes! I'm finding it hard to move into a relationship right now. It just seems that I attract the sorta guy who has no qualms about lying to me. I can't put my trust in another person, because it just seems like it ends up the same. I'm working on it, but it's quite difficult. I'm never gonna know unless I take the step, but I am terrified of taking the step because I can't go through that again. I've been handed enough pain for two lifetimes, I'm not keen on making it three.
The first official day in the new office will remain unspoken, much like the day of the move. I think I am going to work on a CD for work. "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys will definately be on it. How do you not give the new deposit slips to the person who needs them? It's funny how they were misplaced until I emailed our accountant about it. Tomorrow, it'll be something else....

Friday, August 4, 2006

Take this job and shove it, I don't work here anymore

So my office had it's big moving day today. It was horrible and awful and venting about it just makes me wants smash heads together.

I don't know if I had mentioned it, but I applied for a transfer to the Finance Department. I now have an interview with the Finance Department on Tuesday. I can't see any reason they wouldn't pick me. We'll see I guess. Keep your fingers crossed.

Despite the atrocities of moving and the world in general, I am please to report the rediscovery of my happy place. Funny how that works sometimes, now if I can just get a decent night of rest I'll be in business.

Speaking of which, I'm off. I worked almost 12 hours on 5 hours sleep. I'm gonna watch "Son-in-Law" and doze off and I don't care who knows it.

Oh wait... I watched parts of "The Filth and the Fury" last night. It disproves certain theories people have about me and a love of bassist since Sid was the Sex Pistols bassist and well, he's never really captivated me. Anyhow, something about watching that made me feel better about me. I forget sometimes that a lot of people put on a lot of show and in that show they convince themselves that they are the real deal. All of this despite the fact that they are totally missing the point. My generation is full of that. Wannabe punks wrapped in consumer gluttony compliments of Hot Topic who wouldn't know anarchy or subversion if it bit them in the ass of their mass produced bondage pants. I told someone once that I felt like Manic Panic usage over the age of 25, is not a suitable replacement for a personality. People who are so busy trying to be a "type" that they've become nobodies.

I dunno, I guess my ruminations just made me realize that in this little act of being me...I've got a lot to offer. AND I really should expect more from the people in my life. There are no discernable types in my past lovers, no clear slant to my friends except for that they dig me.

Joe was right! Knowing IS half the battle.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

She was gonna shake her ass on the hood...

...of Whitesnake's car...

Whoohaa! I have been called to report for jury duty! I am thoroughly excited at this news. It helps that my company pays us for jury duty. I'm hoping I get seated. Anything to get out of this moving fiasco at the office.

Hmm, no new news really. Yeah, life's been kinda bleh these past few days. My sleep has eroded to the point that on some days my eyes hurt and the circles resemble shiners more than sleepless rings.

It's all stress. Not much I can do 'bout but ride it out. It's hard some days. The onus of life weighing down on me. People 'round me though seem to throw gems that resemble life preservers from time to time. I love that when people say something off the cuff, and don't realize the profoundness of what they are saying to me. Seems to happen just when I really need it, too. It's bizarre, but I'll take it.

I can't date yet. Not ready, no prospects, and waiting for something that isn't going to drain my soul and my pocketbook. Ok, there maybe prospects but I'm pretending they don't exist.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Gimme three steps, gimme three steps mister...

Tonight was George Thorogood. Pretty good night. Ran into some old teachers of mine, and it made me happy. It's one of those perfect couple, glimmer of hope in the world sort of things.

NIN "Only" is playing right now. Seems kind of appropriate.

I'm starting to regain the happy place. I've done a lot of mental housecleaning lately. Four shots and an empty stomach probably isn't the most mature way to email people, but ever since I closed that door I've felt better. Otherwise, I would have hung the rest of my life on maybes and I'm better than that.

I told someone that I have been honing my misanthropy and contempt. I think it needed done. god knows, I've felt better for it.

Sitting here IMing with Lorrie. Isn't technology great? I can make pretend friends out of people I got into trouble with when I was younger.

Ok, ok, so I'm having a lonely sort of day. I'm not very good about lying about it.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Instant Karma

...Giggling like the wicked school girl that I am...
It's horrible of me, I know but right
now it feels so damn good to
get some cosmic, ummm,
vindication for lack of
any better word.
Oh and of course,
more of that old time proof
that I was right. I am right, and
I will probably still be right six months
from now. LMAO, because I can. It's funny
but I was thinking about him last night.
Thinking about how if he really did
love me...and it had nothing to
do with her. It had to do
with us, and him not
going. He could
have stayed.
It all would have
worked out eventually.
Oh but he was soo obligated to
her. Stars in his eyes and a weak
co dependent woman telling him
the things he wanted to hear.
One for the gag reel? That must be
one big goddamned reel to hold all
of your footage. Yes, giggling like the
wicked schoolgirl I've always been. Glad that

I'm seeing that it would have NEVER been what I wanted. Changing everyday my ass, less and less contact, heh. I think that's the biggest part of the whole insult. You still insist on treating me like I'm the kinda girl who just takes what ever is being sold.
This laughing feels good.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

151, the # of this post, what I wish I had right now :)

What have I learned today?
  • I have a hard time discerning casual conversation from being "chatted up" I suppose if all is really fair in love and war then all conversations with non-related members of the opposite sex should be construed as being chatted up.
  • Some people say very odd things as casual conversation. The person I worked with this evening was like that in a Yoda-y, Zen master sort of way.
  • Jordan can eat a Triple BK Stacker. I guess, I shouldn't have challenged her :)
  • Jordan has disdain for cheerleaders that I did not actively instill in her. I was so proud.
  • Brian Culbertson rocks.
  • Chuck Mangione sure has done a lot of stuff that I know.
  • Going to Sears Hardware braless in a tank top and jean skirt will get you more help than you need.
  • Dayton is losing more jobs, possibly signalling that I will be stuck in that festering sinkhole of an office indefinately.
  • I am scheduled 10 times in August. 10 times! Ugh!
  • My alleged fascination with the men of technical theatre may lie in the swagger. I don't know why it never occured to me before. Yes, definately the swagger...and that's just something that not everyone of them has and it can't be faked. I feel cured :)
  • I find I really dig the Raconteurs.
  • I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sure there were other things, but those are the highlights I guess. So tired. So bored. So disgruntled. So just aimless. It can't be this way forever, I will go crazy.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Ohio is for Lovers

"I am a deeply superficial person" -Andy Warhol 

Aren't we all?  

So, I was thinking about dating as I drifted to sleep last night. I'm realizing that I really need to define things before I jump back on that horse. Actually, I have been thinking about that for a while. Looking backward hurts my neck so I'm just gonna look forward. Without further adieu, here's my deeply superficial list of things that I am looking for in my next (and hopefully) last one (for a very longtime, if not forever).

 v     Hands bigger than mine, because I'm very self-conscious of the size of my hands. It has nothing to with any allusions to sizes of other body parts. Just a hang-up of mine...

v     An ability not to conjure up the Pink Floyd tune "Mother". Really, that's not a good song for a girl you're trying to woo to get stuck in her head. I'm not saying relationships with your family are bad. I'm just saying apron strings and umbilical cords should have been cut a long time ago. There is a big BIG difference between a having a good relationship with your mother and being her co-dependent eunuch. I seem to get a lot of the latter. Maybe there is something to be said for orphans...

v     A job, I know so completely unreasonable of me to expect someone to be a contributing member of society. I am flypaper for the unemployed, no joke. I used to make allowances for that based on other redeeming qualities. I now follow the Madonna philosophy,"Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy days."

v     Taller than me. I've run out of patience for short men and their attitude. Although, I suppose they could say the same about me and my tallish chick attitude. There a multitude of reasons I can think of on why I would like this.

v     Three up/Three down. Lynn says she's going to make me stick to this rule of no more than three years difference in either direction. In retrospect, there is a lot of sense in this. I'd rather not think about the specific cases of outliers, but let me just say it wasn't pretty.

v     I'm a little tired also of feeling much more manly than my dates. Lynn says that what I am calling manly is really independence, but at any rate as much as I like wearing pants I like skirts too. It would be nice to get to be "girly" every once in awhile without having to coordinate the whole damn thing myself.

v     Discretion really is the better part of valor. "I'm not the type of kid who likes my biz in the streets" I've never been one to divulge every juicy details to my girls. I think it's called respect for the other person. Call me crazy, but I expect that from someone I am with. There are exceptions, but these exceptions only present themselves if I really like you and I really trust you. I'm not stupid, I know you need something to brag about and if you're really good and I really like you I might even back-up the most insane Penthouse letter you can conjure up.

v     Stand by your man. Is it so much to ask for? You have my back, I have yours. Unfortunately, it's been a long, long time since I had someone around that I could blindly, stupidly defend. Sometimes that's all anyone really needs is someone who believes in them unconditionally. Someone who will back up all their idle affectations with action. Action really does speak louder than words, especially when those words are the shit you speak behind my back.

Err, I think that's enough for now. Maybe not as shallow as you had all hoped, but gimme a break this vapid thing is new to me.

Speaking of vapid, a certain so and so has sent me 2 or 3 emails this week. Um, correct me if I am wrong because I most certainly could be but if you're gonna get up in my bro's face and talk about me, you can't email me later like it never happened. There is no hey what's up allowed. Is she so daft that she didn't think that he would tell me? Hehe, my other bro saw her over the weekend and sent me a wonderfully long text message about it. I can imagine him and his friend hunching down in the booth at Steak N Shake to avoid being spotted.

There was a glimmer of employment hope on my answering machine today. I'm not going to get super worked up about it. I'm just going to take it as a small sign that I am not a worthless loser with a worthless college degree.

With that, I'm off...



Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I wrote yesterday...I have no idea where it ended up. So, here you go:
Cake or Death--7/18/2006
"To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; and to forgo even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?" ~
William Makepeace Thackeray

Quote of the day on Wikiquote, I would suspect maybe someone is trying to tell me something. Or I could
just be trying to make myself feel a little better.

So much I could write about.

I'm really getting bummed out about the state of my financial affairs.'Specially with
the holiday season right around the corner.

I sent out quite a few resumes, hopefully I will get positive responses. I'm a little worried about gaps in insurance coverage and whatnot.
Jordan has to have some dental work done on top of her regularly scheduled cleaning.
Plus, she's due for her 6 month check on her eyes.

Well, I know I could get her in sooner than later, but things at the old job
have gotten worse and I am afraid of getting in trouble. On top of that
I have to coordinate it with the day camp schedule.

I have to work tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure though that if I didn't so
desperately need the cash I would quit.

I think one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made is moving to that damn condo.
I'd like to get out, but see above statement about finances.
My goal has always been to move by next summer,
but it's going to take a miracle for that to happen.

Sigh, all I ever wanted...it's hard not to think I went wrong somewhere.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

90 days same as cash

So, I've been perusing the old myspace tonight. I started out on one of my friends and clicked around. One thing that is interesting to me is some of the interconnectedness of people who don't know each other. I was noticing that some of the friends of one chick I know were also friends of another chick I know, but I know that they do not know each other. Just little stuff like that...

I may break down and do myspace. There are people there that I haven't talked to in years. We graduated and went our separate ways. I'd like to think that we could still have some of the same fun we used to. A few of them are old BBS friends. Although, one of them I came across is related to a ex-boyfriend that hope never finds me, so there is a big argument against myspace.

Work was okay. I ended up with parking lot duty which amounts to 6 hours of sitting and waiting for handicapped people to come so I can move cones to let them in. Six hours of contemplation...sweet!

I got a lot of my angst out earlier in the day so I'm feeling pretty groovy now. It's weird the way I get home from there and am energized. Plus, working there seems to be making the summer go at a slower pace. I dunno, it's only been a month since we came back from Florida but it doesn't seem like it.

What else? Hmmm...my previous predictions probably should be revisited.

My summer predictions:
1. I will still be watching the aforementioned programs I've hardly watched any TV, and when I do it's been movies or whatever Jo wants.

2. Things might get a little better, but only through the power of grain alcoholExcept for the 4th and Panic! at the Disco, I've hardly drank.
3. I will probably lose 10 or more pounds. (I've actually lost 5 in the last 2 weeks and I wasn't even trying. I find I keep forgetting to eat.) I am now down to 155 which marks an additional 5 pounds since I wrote that at the end of May. As I am not trying or making any effort to lose weight when I hit 150 I may make an appointment to see my hot doc because losing all this weight without actually trying probably means there is something wrong with me.

4. The closest I will get to taking up kickboxing is watching UFC. See previous TV comments.
5. I may collapse of exhaustion in August. (Something like 27 of the 31 days have shows scheduled) Not likely to happen as I've purposely requested like every other day off.
6. I will love my second job making me hate my real job more. Love is probably an overstatment, but it does make me feel that much more like slitting my wrist at my day job.
7. Sometime around the end of July, how I really feel will hit me hard and no one will understand. (Bonus if it happens during George Thorogood & the Destroyers) It's already hit. I'll be alright though. Last I checked he isn't the last man on earth.
8. I will finally find how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Mmmmm, Tootsie Pop...
9. Jordan will take more steps toward being a horrible teenager, thus adding to my sadness and frustration. check, check, and double check
10. I will get sunburned in Florida. I did not. Nor did I really get any sort of tan.

Welp, kids I'm off to bed. I think we're going to go on a little day trip tomorrow so I should rest up.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Because the ears aren't listening...

Here I am sorta counting down the minutes 'til I have to work. Woohoo...work...again...

I was bopping around some dating sites. Nothing really piqued my interest. It looks like all the guys I didn't want to talk to 8 months ago are still there. I'm going to have to figure out this meeting people thing before the holidays. I don't think I can bear another holiday season mostly alone.

Whilst I was cleaning earlier, I was contemplating whether or not I should act upon some mild crushes I have. I'm heavily leaning toward no. Unfortunately for me, certain people's answer to being put outside the circle of trust is to talk all sorts o' crazy shit about me. I dunno, I guess it's time to find new places to hang out and new people to do it with. Sniff-sniff, I'm gonna miss you Trolley Stop but it's for the best. Sigh, I hate leaning toward no, it defeats the optimism I've been trying to cultivate.

I realize that I have said some fairly hurtful things this week. It's true what they say about the truth. I can't take any of it back; part of me wishes it was just me trying to be purposely malicious so that I could.

Nothing exciting on the horizon for me. I wish I could change that. I need someone to come in and hit me with the force of a Mack truck. Bonus if they aren't hung up on someone else.

Although, in lieu of all that, I'd settle for one tumultuous rebound relationship. The shorter, the better.

Perhaps I should just join the dark side, I certainly seem suited to evil.

Friday, July 14, 2006

On insomnia and bad dreams...

So, even though I went to bed at 8:40, I couldn't tell you when I actually went to sleep. I tossed and turned and laid there in state somewhere more near awake than asleep for sometime. To say the least, it was a horrible night. Just on lack asleep alone I feel shitty. Ah, but add to that my dream and I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I'm not even sure a coffee IV would help at all.


Yeah, so of this dream...It was my wedding day, moments before my big entrance. Rob was the lucky guy...or unlucky since I created a small diversion and bolted. I'm not talking some high anxiety second-thoughts breakdown, but full on sprinting out of the church. I ran and ran as fast as I could like some horrible something was chasing me. Finally, I holed up under the stairs of this cottage that apparently belonged to an old friend of mine. It was the whole if anyone asks I'm not here, you haven't seen me. But it didn't workout, people found me and it wasn't pretty...


All I can do I guess is shake it off.


Funny thing about relationships is that you don't always know what the other person is thinking. I broke up with him 2 months ago. A lot has happened since then, mostly internally but a lot a lot. Maybe I'm not as scattered as I would have people believe because I know the answers to many questions. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching, a lot of reading. I have had nights where I miss him, and nights when I am glad he is gone.


I've wondered what the private portions of their respective live journals say. I know that it can't be good based on her entry where she thanked everyone for their support during the girlfriend issue. I forget how she put it exactly, but it made me angry. Like I was just some game they were both playing that didn't work out. I think that is one of the things that really bothers me...he and I should have never been any of her concern. She should have never been a party to the relationship, but he made her one. When things would flare up, it always seemed like I was left on my own to defend myself because he was always on her side. Back to the private portions, because they share friends any future relationship would just be the vilified Jenny in a state of constant defense against an erroneously painted picture of me.


There's a whole lack of trust/comfort that I don't think even therapy could fix. I've had too much time to seethe. I'll admit there were some days in the beginning of the break-up where I kinda needed him. Things were happening to me, and they may have concerned him. Instead I kept to myself, luckily it wasn't anything I feared it was but that time with me once again being the solver of my issues really made me reconsider what life would be like with him.


That's all I've got to say about him...for now.


As for other boys...just indulge me in the fantasy that Chad will inhabit my couch for several weeks or that I might run into Adam somewhere. I need something to look forward to in my life. I know that Chad is Chad and all I have to do is agree with him to scare him off. I know that in long run, hmm, well, maybe it wouldn't be a life I wanted. It's easy to think up a rosy life and disregard all that I actually know. Granted, I've never entirely done that with him. I have from time to time, imagined an intervention or two. Chad just happens to hold a special place in my heart, because of things that he has done in the past that have bought him a huge leeway for screwing up. Adam, as I have said before, is just dreamy and good with the talkin'. I don't know much more, but hey if pretty can be enough for girls than it should be okay for guys too!


In other news, I'm feeling like a horrible mother. Which shouldn't really be news at all?


I think I'm going to go Google pics of Davey Havok  or something that doesn't resemble giving more of myself to this thankless job.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Scattered like Waffle House hash browns

Ever have the feeling that everything really does suck?

Why do I find AFI's Davey Havok so damned attractive?

I'm not ever going to find a different job, am I?

I'm always going to be in debt over my head, aren't I?

Should I play silly schoolgirl and take my CDs to Gem City to sell?

Did all the decent men move out of this area and take the jobs with them?

Why can't I just bitch slap people?

Why have I not been taking anything for my migraine?

Is there really pleasure in pain?

Or is it just an excuse to go to bed at 8:30 in the evening?

Tomorrow is another day, but will it be a better day?

I find myself thinking a lot about my high school sweetheart. I can't fully remember or totally explain the Last Boy Scout conversation, but it is totally appropriate to life lately. So, is it safe to say that Jon is the reason I am the way I am?

Is that not scary?

Sigh...what else can we talk about?

Davey Havok, did I mention he's attractive?

I'm off to bed...8:40pm...what a drag it is getting old...