If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, September 11, 2006

To take my life as I would a whore, I know I’m better than before

I'm so excited! My mom came over and helped me get the border up in my living room and hallway tonight. It all looks awesome! I just want to sit on the couch and stare at the wall.

So kids, I think I have a story to tell I don't know how to start it. I'm feeling very, very smarmy right now. Okay here it goes...

When I was in high school, the love of my life was a tall, dark and dangerous kid named Jon. We loved each other as much as two people can when they're in high school. Like many a votatile teenaged couple, we were on and off again. Off usually because he had found some girl that he needed to fuck around with and on usually because she never made him feel like I did.

He had not had the best of lives. By the time I met him, he had lost both parents. He was basically a good kid though. He had horrible issues with trust, though. From time to time, he would get it in his head that I was lying to him. He would try to catch me in lies all the time.

Since we were on and off, and well, in high school and I knew his temperment all too well sometimes I was guilty of errors of omission. Ok, and a few out and out whoppers, but really would you want to tell someone who is 6'4", 250 that um, yeah you may have made out with his cousin at that Shawnee game?

His solution to this problem was simple. He would pretty much either coerce or pay someone that he knew I would open up with to set me up on a three-way call. I only really remember three times he did that, after that it was just his own special third degree. I didn't really mind, at the time I think he was the only guy who recognized that I was hot and smart, and to some extent dating him brought a certain level of protection that although twisted was at times comforting.

Trust. Sometimes it comes easy, you just intrinsically know that the person who stands before you is solid. Other times it takes a bit of work. Then other times still trust you once had disappears.

I need to be able to fully trust the people in my life. I keep my herd small because there are a lot of shifty motherfuckers in my daily life. Wolves in sheep clothing. People who constantly underestimate me as a human being.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, kids, I've been having an email conversation, and trust has been one of the issues, specifically as it relates to a person NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVED in the relationship. For nanoseconds, I thought maybe things have changed,maybe he is finally listening to me.

But as I read the last email, something struck me. thanks to the modern age, I don't need to set up a complicated three-way ruse. Thus, on the basis that a blog entry exist entitled,"lyrics from him to her, analogy time, lyrics me to her" I know that my words have once again fallen on deaf ears.

Or maybe I'm just narcissistic and it's just coincidental.

Yeah right!

The answer to what plagues you is not if you were the last man ever.

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