If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

If I should fall from grace with god Where no doctor can relieve me If I'm buried 'neath the sod But the angels won't receive me

Let me go, boys
Let me go, boys
Let me go down in the mud
Where the rivers all run dry

 I know I don't write for weeks and then I pull out the Pogues. And really, who wouldn't? It's been almost a month since I posted and my last post I shared that I was feeling more than a little uncomfortable with my life. Not, of course, in any great detail but enough that you got a sense of where my head was at...kinda...sorta. 

Better, it seems, is a mythological construct like unicorns and dollar beer night. For all that I could say, I am content to say nothing right now except that individual results vary. Long before my husband decided he had a penchant for fat chicks with no morals, I had gone all in so to speak in my spiritual life. I trusted more than I had ever trusted before in the goodness of God. I believed more than I had ever believed before in the inerrant nature of scripture. And when the shit hit the fan, I leaned in and believed that all things WOULD  work for my good because I love Him. I could post an entire weeks worth of blogs on the things I have been relying on God for during this period.

Since I last wrote...nothing has gotten better for me despite my efforts to get up every morning and put on foot in front of the other and stay positive and believe that this is not where my story ends. Things are in such a state that even my youngest wants to know why our life is so horrible. Yeah, that moment, absolutely heartwrenching. I can't look either of my kids in the eye right now and with good conscious tell them that it is going to get better...

So, now here is the place where a bunch of people chime in with all the usual suspects of God's timing and God's plan and yada yada fucking yada. I am tired of hearing it. I am so so so done. I don't have it in me to believe anymore. And yes, the discovery that thunderslut's parent pastor a church really made me question God's wisdom.

What was the point of the last ten years? What was the point of getting married? Having another kid? Building a life? Building a dream? What was the point of believing anything? What purpose could this much pain possible serve in the Kingdom? And you can stop with that played out "Well, Jesus suffered" line. Jesus suffered to redeem me so that I didn't have to suffer. Allegedly.

My friend is always telling me we live in a fallen world. I don't even know why because I totally get that. I get that husband's can lie to you for years about how they really feel and then throw you under the bus for people whose only MO is fun and no responsibility and then shack up with some whore who claims to be a Christian but never apparently read the Ten Commandments and has her mommy and daddy turning a blind eye to her whole life of sin because fuck if I know but it's bloody annoying. So why am I even trying to  live in any sort of obedience or belief in anything if everyone can do whatever the fuck they want and live better than me and my kids?

So...if I should fall from the grace of God...and at this point I think I will have completed that by the end of the weekend...let me go. If He really wanted me in the fold anyway he would have answered, at the very least, the scriptural prayers because after all, isn't God's word supposed to not return void?

My relationship with Jesus is apparently just like my relationship with every other man in my life. I admire and respect him and trust him but all he does is lie and ignore me and rub up against fat ugly chicks ass deep in sin.

Just let me go because apparently God is too busy keeping Stephen Curry in sneakers to hear anyone else's prayers.