If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, July 14, 2006

On insomnia and bad dreams...

So, even though I went to bed at 8:40, I couldn't tell you when I actually went to sleep. I tossed and turned and laid there in state somewhere more near awake than asleep for sometime. To say the least, it was a horrible night. Just on lack asleep alone I feel shitty. Ah, but add to that my dream and I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I'm not even sure a coffee IV would help at all.


Yeah, so of this dream...It was my wedding day, moments before my big entrance. Rob was the lucky guy...or unlucky since I created a small diversion and bolted. I'm not talking some high anxiety second-thoughts breakdown, but full on sprinting out of the church. I ran and ran as fast as I could like some horrible something was chasing me. Finally, I holed up under the stairs of this cottage that apparently belonged to an old friend of mine. It was the whole if anyone asks I'm not here, you haven't seen me. But it didn't workout, people found me and it wasn't pretty...


All I can do I guess is shake it off.


Funny thing about relationships is that you don't always know what the other person is thinking. I broke up with him 2 months ago. A lot has happened since then, mostly internally but a lot a lot. Maybe I'm not as scattered as I would have people believe because I know the answers to many questions. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching, a lot of reading. I have had nights where I miss him, and nights when I am glad he is gone.


I've wondered what the private portions of their respective live journals say. I know that it can't be good based on her entry where she thanked everyone for their support during the girlfriend issue. I forget how she put it exactly, but it made me angry. Like I was just some game they were both playing that didn't work out. I think that is one of the things that really bothers me...he and I should have never been any of her concern. She should have never been a party to the relationship, but he made her one. When things would flare up, it always seemed like I was left on my own to defend myself because he was always on her side. Back to the private portions, because they share friends any future relationship would just be the vilified Jenny in a state of constant defense against an erroneously painted picture of me.


There's a whole lack of trust/comfort that I don't think even therapy could fix. I've had too much time to seethe. I'll admit there were some days in the beginning of the break-up where I kinda needed him. Things were happening to me, and they may have concerned him. Instead I kept to myself, luckily it wasn't anything I feared it was but that time with me once again being the solver of my issues really made me reconsider what life would be like with him.


That's all I've got to say about him...for now.


As for other boys...just indulge me in the fantasy that Chad will inhabit my couch for several weeks or that I might run into Adam somewhere. I need something to look forward to in my life. I know that Chad is Chad and all I have to do is agree with him to scare him off. I know that in long run, hmm, well, maybe it wouldn't be a life I wanted. It's easy to think up a rosy life and disregard all that I actually know. Granted, I've never entirely done that with him. I have from time to time, imagined an intervention or two. Chad just happens to hold a special place in my heart, because of things that he has done in the past that have bought him a huge leeway for screwing up. Adam, as I have said before, is just dreamy and good with the talkin'. I don't know much more, but hey if pretty can be enough for girls than it should be okay for guys too!


In other news, I'm feeling like a horrible mother. Which shouldn't really be news at all?


I think I'm going to go Google pics of Davey Havok  or something that doesn't resemble giving more of myself to this thankless job.

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