Always written, never sent...

So, you know how sometimes it is said that it is what is unseen or unsaid that is important? That thing lurking beneath the surface maybe...

Today I have been locked in a hardcore thinking pattern. Always written, never sent refers to a whole range of conversations, letters, whatnot that swim in my head but never make it to their intended recipient. In this case, it refers to one particular person in my life.

It's like the freakin' white bear curse or something. I don't try to think about it. It just creeps in, and then BOOM next thing you know I'm there again in that place I don't know how to get out of. Besides talking to myself, I have actually written a few emails to this curse, but sent them to myself.
Silly? Maybe, but it was quite helpful.

If I were to write one right now it would probably go a little something like this:
You suck :) I'm still waiting for your email. How am I supposed to know if I have to flip the couch cushion if you don't tell me?

So, I have been thinking a lot about things lately. Hmmm, and that something that you were talking about. Ever seen Empire Records? There is a scene in that...always makes me think of you and me. It's the one where Liv Tyler's character confronts that boy she likes on the roof and she's all pushing him around, telling him how stupid he is because he doesn't realize how special he is. Yeah, anyway...

Do you not think that I have never thought about that stuff? Now thanks to you...well, you and the last couple of months of my life I'm thinking about it again. You're such a guy. I have thought about this stuff in terms of life with you not always there, and I have always been okay with it. I've never thought it wouldn't work, I've just never been able to ask you to stay. I think that if I could be someplace else or you could be here, then well everything would be okay.

Anyway...I need a shower. I'll think of you :)

Take care,
Jen

There's a whole world of people who need made fun of, a whole of people who need us to make fun of them. It's a pity, eh? It feels like it's never going to happen. Much the way it always feels like it is the relationship that I should always be in...so hard to explain.

I 'm off to bed. Thinking as hard as I have about things I have no control over is hard work.

I should, in all honesty, write it all out in an epic email and send it. Crossing my fingers that I get a chance to talk about this all with him...

Sigh...

I wish there was some one that I could talk about all this with, but unfortunately everyone around me is to jaded to understand this and what it is and has always been...