If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, July 10, 2006

Monday again

Well kids, it's a day. Listening to Wilco right now, somehow it seemed appropriate.


Last night, I was IMing with a friend of mine. He made a comment that I seemed exasperated, and found it odd that he could sense that tone from what little I typing. Eventually, he told me that I should cry if I want to...after all it is my party :) Too numb to really cry, doesn't solve anything, never changes anything, really no point in it, now is there?


It's really hard to be optimistic. How long have I been looking for a new job? A boyfriend? A few extra dollars? A clean house? To eliminate my debts? To remove embarrassing sweat stains? To get Jordan the lessons she wants?


Last night, I dreamt of among other things, someone I dated a very longtime ago, an odd little dream to say the least. He was probably the last guy I dated that blindsided me. I never saw our break-up coming, everything was good, not perfect but good. I remember that night so well even now. I said a lot of things. Nothing I regretted then or now, especially since about two or so years after that we went to a movie when he was in town to see his parents. He told me that I had been right about a lot of the things that I had said. I hate being right. None of that was in the dream, I just sort of wonder why he popped into one. He's not someone that I think about often or anything.


There's no one reason for the way I feel right now. There is a mélange of all the "normal" stuff. I dunno, what's exacerbating it? In no particular order...


Well, that whole thing with my friend I have been sorta talking about. It's really quite sad how easily I swoon to him, how effortlessly my brain knits complex fantasies. I have a problem. It's not the first time I've admitted it. I just I've been trying to wrap my head around the why of it all. Even standing at work Saturday night, I could kick into that mode. Part of me wonders if it would make me really happy if he and I were to actually hook-up for real, for a change. Part of me kinda sorta really knows that I like to think about, like an artificial happy place (or a crutch depending on who you talk to.) So there is all of that and that mess of emotions and ponderings and etcetera etcetera...


As far as Rob and I go, I am more than most definitely sure that things aren't going to change the way that I need them to so that possibility of catching the train next time it comes around is probably into negative numbers by now. Which leads me to...


I'm going to have to reinstate the not dating anyone who has been married or had kids rule. The kids I might be able to bend, but it's unlikely because well, just think about it. Of course, at my whim, I can grandfather a few in but again pure fantasy because they didn't call me then what would make them call me now?


I'm a little scared about the possibility of Lorrie coming home next month. Everything she said she'd do as far as kicking my ass in to a better mood, and hooking me up with someone, she will make good on. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.


I bet it's nice out today. Hot, humid and sunny...too bad I can't see it from here.



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