If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Crazy from the heat or just crazy?

The last couple of days have begged that exact question.  I don't know I could through in a line or two about the best laid plans and add a bit about this or some other thing. It doesn't really matter what I say...or do...it is what it is.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that maybe all of this so-called work is for naught. I mean, if you want to look at things from a certain perspective then...what we are looking at is this moment right now being part of some divine plan. Filtering through all that information, of which I have more than I care to know most days. I can't help but come to the same conclusion,"Shit. We're Fucked!"

Now before you start thinking that's a bit maudlin, consider this gem I heard recently. At any given moment, you are doing the best that you can. If you could do better, you would. So, all of this feeling like I am spinning my wheels, working in a vacuum, somehow black-balled from life...it's the best I can do. Depressing. Bloody depressing.

By that logic, all of the things that I thought were goals or dreams or aspirations are really just torture devices. All that I ever thought I could do then is an illusion, because if I am doing the best that I can at any given time...my best has never been good enough for much of anything. So what's the point of waking up every morning? Seriously, if this is the best I can do...and it's uncomfortable and all attempts to change the situation have no effect...why bother?

Thinking about it a different way. If was meant to be successful at anything, wouldn't it have happened by now? I am sitting a situation now where I can not find a job. Actually, I've given up looking. I would get interviews and they'd want to pay me about $10k/year less than I was making. Experience means nothing. Go ahead, hire those diploma mill girls that couldn't code their way out of a wide open space. Let alone, effectively appeal a bad claim adjudication in less than one hundred steps. When I expanded my search, it wasn't any easier. I am what I am. I am whip smart with a strange bend for logic and patterns and I can't help but to question. It doesn't mean that I am not a team player. It means that I want to make sure I am on the right team.

I have really been struggling with "fitting in". I effin' feel like I am in high school anymore. I would like to be social but alas no one will have me. Okay, not no one so don't bitch at me in email that I said, you know what I mean so don't jump my backside for it. Thank god for my family because without them I really would be alone. My husband says I expect too much from people, which is to say, that I expect them to be on my level or trying to be. I can't help it. I try to take people for who they are, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around certain things about people. I try to look for the sameness but inevitably they always amplify the difference.

I gets pretty old when people call you and all they really want to do is tap the vessel of your great knowledge. Am I the only one who has heard of the internet and knows how to use it? Seriously. Go to Google and play around. That's I how I came to be this wealth of useless information. First, it was books, now it's the internet. Plus, it doesn't make me feel better when someone calls and goes on about how smart or whatever I am. It makes me feel pretty abysmal some days. Especially on the occasions that the knowledge request is job related. So let me get this straight...I can do other people's jobs for them but I don't get any reward from that.

So yeah, I am leaning toward the heat having nothing to do with the wacky mad as a hatter way I have been feeling. I wish there was an emoticons for the twisty thing my face is doing right now. Life's penchant for nihilism rears it's head again...

1 comment:

  1. I forgot to add that. I was doing some analytic work on some of my sites last week and the particular site I was using gave me warnings on readablity. They were analyzing my writing to be graduate level. Funny. Sad. I have always written this way. No, actually, I used to be a much better writer. At any rate, I am not trying to write like this and use big words. It comes naturally. I'm a five dollar word sort of gal. I can't help it. Yet another reason I can't fit in. I can't stop it.