If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

It's a never-ending circus ride, the faint of heart need not apply.

Today's blog is brought to you courtesy of life. My life has unwritten the content and has secured the funding for what you are about to read.

"Mi Vida Loco" was running steadily through my head earlier today. I have thought of it from time to time but not like it was hitting me early this afternoon. This country hit from 1994 has a special place in my heart, and today that heart and these lyrics seemed as one.

See, once upon a time I was a 19 year old I don't even know what I was, maybe just 19, maybe 19 needs no adjectives to describe it because it just is what it is and whenever someone starts a sentence with when I was 19 everyone should just graciously say, that there is nothing else you need to say. So, once upon a time I was 19 and I owed a friend money but I didn't have cash but I had credit so I offered to take her to dinner to be even. So Bert and Ernie, as we were affectionately known, headed to Denny's because it was the only place open where we met Nick and Dan.

Nothing about him would have ever made me think his senior to me was as many years as it was. By the end of the night, we were inseparable. And I knew he would call me because I had his jacket. What ensued was, sigh, what ensued has only ever been matched and superceded by one other person in the history of my life thus far. Being 19, no red flag ever showed up on my radar. He treated me like a queen and I enjoyed every damn minute of it. I could be me and not all hung up on worrying about if I was cool enough. We enjoyed some of the same music and had enough glue that the differences were irrelevant. He would tell me that I looked like Tori Amos and that this song made him think of me.

The ultimate gift, trophy of that relationship would be my daughter.

I don't know nor will I probably ever understand why things went the way that they did. It's not even worth dragging out tonight. I certainly got the better end of the deal, a wonderful, beautiful daughter all to myself, no custody drama, no alternate weekends, no split summers. Just me and my Jo. I am sure it wasn't easy. I am sure there was always wonderining. I wish that I had had answers.

Fast forward and disregard everything else. This afternoon, his dad picked her up. She made contact with the other side as it were several weeks ago and it going to be spending the next several days getting to know them minus her dad. I am grateful. I am grateful that our God is a God of reconciliation and redemption. Grateful but unprepared.

I never realized that all of this would hit me the way it is hitting me. I am happy for her. But I am wondering about myself and my own life that after going through all of that I would find myself in the exact same arrangement with my marriage. Here I am, twenty years later, dealing with a man who walked away from me and our kids and not really sure what I am supposed to learn from all of this.

It's little consolation that God always loves me when the two greatest loves of my life willingly walked away from me and their children. What did I do wrong Lord? Because tonight to be honest, it doesn't feel like I have ever done anything right. It's like everyone else always gets the credit even though I am doing the work. I am kinda salty about that. I don't what to do except write this.

So, yeah, "Mi Vida Loco" it was assigned to me in the summer of 1995. I don't feel much like a wild rose anymore. I do think once upon a time it was a perfect song for me but then a shit-ton of bullshit got in the way of my happily ever after. Shrug. You can't win them all I guess.

I'd like to win one though.

Maybe someday.

I don't know.

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