There was a verse that I was gonna write I haven't yet but there's still a chance I might

I felt ever so much more together at 14 than I do now at 40. I had it all together then. Okay, maybe not really but it seems recently that I am far more awkward and unsure now than I was then. I am in a bit of tailspin and I don't know how to correct course.

It's making me a bit difficult to deal with, I suppose. I have this whole midlife crisis, crisis of faith, shadow of fear, flood of disappointment, angst-ridden, I don't know what going on with me right now. I hear it gets better but I am honestly not sure. Not sure about that...or anything else for that matter.

Sigh.

A good friend of mine said that all this is just part of the healing process. She said that she thinks because I was so accepting of it all in the beginning and that because I vowed that I was going to stay positive that maybe I didn't fully process my anger and disappointment and it has now just all bubbled up to the surface because nothing is how I thought it would be at this point. I suppose there is something to all of that.

And that being said, it gives me an opportunity to explain my crisis of faith and why am I am where I am with all of that. A lot lately I am hearing that I need to lean in, pray, trust and what ruffles me there is that I want to scream at these people "WTF do you think I have been doing?!"  Then, we get into the whole "God's timing" conversation and a landslide of Bible verses to reinforce how wrong I am about things. And next thing you I have alienated friends and family because quite frankly the trip is turning out to be nothing like the brochure. NOTHING. I have been in such a dark place that I actually started reading the Book of Discipline the other night to see if there is a point where my very vocal disappointment and despair would be cause to revoke my membership. Turns out it all kind of falls under the category of me working out my own salvation with my own fear and trembling which is probably good for me in the long run but right now it's a little bit of a disappointment because being kicked out of church would totally fit in with the rest of the shitstorm around me.

Sigh.

Don't get me wrong. Life is not bad. I have a lot going for me but it doesn't feel like this is where I am supposed to be and it certainly isn't where I used to be. That's hard some days but on the other side of the token I can totally see where I needed to see what I am seeing and experiencing. One day I am going to write about post about my shower and how hard water makes it look like I don't wash my hair. I am also going to write about how keenly aware I have become washing laundry as a luxury item. It's the discontent of disconnect that has me so completely off-kilter.

Life is not at all bad. I am doing well in a lot of ways. My kids are great. My friends and family, wonderful as ever. It's that verse I was gonna write. I think it haunts me. Writing has always been my outlet, my talent, my thing. Before all of this shook loose with my marriage and whatnot, I had been seriously outlining and business planning, trying to get myself on track to do more. I haven't yet. My life falling apart has been a bit of a distraction. I can't even focus my energies to write grocery list some days lately. The disconnect is within me. I have always put off what fed my soul in the name of pragmatism and practicality. I am truly my own worst enemy.

Past couple days, I have started to see how this whole midlife crisis, crisis of faith, shadow of fear, flood of disappointment, angst-ridden, I don't know what going on with me right now insanity has reconnected me with myself. I have been slowly admitting to myself and a few select others my truths and my misperceptions of others. Making friends with my powerlessness and buddying up with all my flaws. I am seeing now how different life would be had I got my way at each and every turn. No joke I have lived, laughed and love more in the three months since I moved than I had in the time since my husband left. I have also kicked, screamed and cussed but that's to be expected. This is not an easy time and mine is complicated by the egos and delusions of people I have no influence on. It is what it is and I really mean that this time.

While kicking and screaming and brooding and crying, the living, laughing and loving didn't stop. I have been an absolute black hole of delight and I have been surrounded by absolute angels of grace and mercy. I still have some kinks to work out and some chapters that need closed. I have become more fully aware of the parts of me that need healing and let go of my idea of how this is all gonna play out. After all, it is God's plan, and as point of clarification, I have never once during this recent storm said I didn't believe. So yeah, God's plan, not Jenny's plan and I'd be an absolute liar if I didn't admit just a tad that I am seeing evidence of the way He works things for the good. There's an entire novel to be written there.And still those verses, of course.

I haven't yet.

There's still a change I might.

I'll start today because someday has a funny way of slipping past and withering into regret.

And life's too short and too precious to squander it on speculation.

If you're going to San Francisco, you're gonna meet some gentle people there

Came home today from 4 days/5 nights in beautiful downtown San Francisco. I would post a picture from the trip but none, nada, zero, zilch, null set of my pictures saved to OneDrive. (Seriously Windows, seriously!)

I am probably going to write about my trip extensively over the next several days. Seriously so fantastic, not bragging, truly grateful for the journey made possible by the grace of God and my brother's loving-kindness.

I picked the title I did because it was my experience with my California trip.

I can't count on one hand the number of times I was hit on. It's good for the soul to be randomly complimented. Apparently, I have a fantastic ass, a beautiful smille, great legs and some kid on a fishing pier wants me to be his "sugar mama." It's flattering really that he perceived me as the kinda gal who could make that happen for him. The award for best line of the trip goes to a homeless gent in Tenderloin. It's the best line because oh honey if he only knew and him saying it is vindication. As I walked past, he said...I do not mean this with any disrespect but your husband is a lucky man with great taste because you are beyond sexy and you made my day just because you smiled at me.


I do smile at everyone. I can't help it. It's who I am. At my core, I am sparkly and shiny and I enjoy the adventure of life.



Speaking of adventure, one of the things I had the opportunity to do is attend Joel Osteen's America's Night of Hope at AT&T Park. I had planned my day to chill until late and then head to 21st Amendment Brewery for lunch then hanging out in the South Beach area. Soooooooooooo...

By Saturday, I had my thousand foot stare perfected. I blended beautifully with the natives. I was walking down Folsom toward my afternoon destinations. A voice next to me suddenly said,"You have beautiful toes." It was a female and a quick side glance prompted me to respond,"Thank you, I get that all the time." I do. No lie. I have people, complete strangers compliment my feet of all things all the time. Conversation ensued. This my friends should be the norm. Two people just having a fantastic conversation on 3rd and Folsom on a lazy August Saturday afternoon. There is hope for humanity after all. I am grateful for the time with that random stranger. Neither one of us offered name, rank or serial number. There was just one moment, that moment and it was she and I and God and nothing else mattered. She shared a story that completely blessed me. It was one of those "random" things. She didn't know me or my background but here she was telling me something about someone she knew and what happened to them and BOOM thank you God for that little wink. Seriously.

I have heard so many horror stories of Bay Area douchebaggery that I was totally prepared for that sorta of seething, smarminess that requires a full set of shots and full armor. Thank you San Francisco for being the San Francisco of the gentle people. Maybe next time I'll buy flowers on Union Square to put in my hair. Because there will be a next time...

$10 a day, any suggestions?

Okay, so my husband and I figured out this evening that after taxes, daycare, gas, food and the reckless spending that happens when we are both working that I make not a lot of money. Like seriously, if I quit and collected $10 worth of scrap metal everyday I would be doing better off than I am in my current job. So I have been sitting here brainstorming what legal and socially acceptable ways could I stay home and make the same amount of money.

It feels like I have been here before. Such a small gap to cover and now that I have put it out there the direct sales ladies are going to come out of the woodwork. I am not opposed to direct sales but there are only two I would consider right now. I am actively talking with one and the other is just whim. I like a lot of things about direct sales and there is a lot I don't like so I have to be sure that I can balance those aspects and make it be what I need it to be.

I suppose I could have a big garage sale before the end of summer. It would certainly pare down the clutter in this house and provide a lump of cash. I would think I could get enough cash from a sale like that to cover my Macy's card which would in turn be one less thing to worry about.

Someone suggested babysitting. I don't think I could do that. I don't know. I like kids but I always feel way less comfortable with other people's kids. Most people do not talk to nor want other people to talk to their children as if they are actually small, highly intelligent humans. Also, as far as kids go, I do tend to have a bit of a nothing to fear but fear itself attitude. It has only resulted in one emergency room visit in 17 years of motherhood which is pretty good really. I might consider it on a limited basis but it would totally have to be for the right people. Seriously, if there was some Lord of the Flies daycare franchise, I would be a good fit with the mission and vision of that organization.

I have thought about an eBay store. It seems like work, like a lot of work, and not necessarily rewarding. It certainly would feed my shopping habits to have a place to unload my merchandise. I mean I bought $400 in dresses at Goodwill last week, some still with the tags on them, and I am not going to wear them. I could easily sell them for $25 a pop with free shipping and be money ahead. Plus, this house is chock full of odds and ends that have got to be worth something to someone. I might have to research that some more. Any experience there? Good or bad, I would appreciate the feedback.

I did mention scrap metal. I wish I had my van still, I would totally be a picker. One man's trash really is another man's treasure...they just need a broker to get them connected. I saw aluminum was like .52 a pound the other day. I need to get in shape anyway so maybe I throw the boy in the jogging stroller and we clean the highways and biways of this town and any place else we can find.

I know to some people it seems silly. Like why wouldn't I just work a job, just suck it up and deal with being an underpaid, indentured servant to some vapid corporation? Well, because it just doesn't work. I have long thought that if people sat and took a long hard look at the cost of working and had just a smidgen of faith about God providing that a lot more couples would go old school if you will. Well, assuming that both parties are mature adults.

When I was at home before, I totally loved it. It was more rewarding than any job I ever had. When I saved money someone else genuinely cared that I saved money. When I found a new use for things someone genuinely was impressed. When I had a screw off day and didn't do my work and just kind of chilled, no one wrote me up or threatened to fire me. It's not easy being home, especially for someone who has always worked a J-O-B.

I will fully admit that there was a time when I was at home before where I did feel drifty and purposeless. That was something I had to work through because it seemed like for most of my life everyone pushed me into the idea that I had to work and I had to succeed and that smart girls did not become housewives. Whoever is propagating that bs needs a severe beating! How messed up is it to say that I would be better for my children if I was not involved in their lives on a much more intimate and meaningful level as a stay at home mom? I wish I had spent more time with my daughter when she was younger rather than pursuing material stuff I wasn't really even that into. I can totally see how that might have benefited her. Sigh.

So, here I am. I have a testing situation and an interview tomorrow. Three different positions, two different companies. I have the opinion of my husband that even if I don't get job x (the most flexible of the jobs) that I should quit my current job. Even with job x this idea of making $10 a day is feasible, I just would have to cover less days. I don't know what to do.

I don't have a magic ball.

I don't have a winning lottery ticket.

I don't have non-gappy, solid work history.

I am pretty smart though.

I am pretty creative too.

I also have some pretty intelligent and creative friends.

Oh, and there is that rich Father who loves me. It may sound hokey to some but I can do nothing but look at my life and see how God provides. So, here's to being like the lillies and the birds I guess and seeing what adventure comes up next.

What would you do to make $10 a day?

My quick rendition of lillies. 

I am predicting a posting drought....

I am starting a job next week, so there is a 99.9% probability that my posting my drop off for a bit.

I know I said I wasn't going to do contract jobs anymore, but it isn't exactly like anyone else is picking me for their team. We've been running at a deficit for awhile. Well, kinda, I realized that when my husband told me this that he probably figured it on only his income and I have had some income coming in so we've probably been marginally okay the past couple months. Anyway, as much as it feels like every temp job is just a step away from ever getting hired on anywhere, I couldn't say 'no'.

Maybe my thrilling call center adventures will give me something to write about. I've spent so much time in customer service I am really amazed that I even like people anymore. Anonymity sure brings out the worst in people. Kinda makes you want to remind some of them that you have their address right in front of you and that you know people who will do things for a case of anything and gas money.

Maybe it's the distraction I need to get somethings in order. When I am working things have a way of falling away and falling into order. Well, okay, not always, but I think they will. There was a day back in October where I felt good about everything. I took a grocery trip with my son on a Sunday and just I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt like everything was looking up. Then, four days later my contract got cancelled.

Just wanted to put that out there because I know that there are some readers who don't actually know me in "real" life.

All I want for Christmas is a dashboard camera.

I am not kidding. I wish I was but I am not. I noticed this phenomena awhile ago but tonight, oh tonight made me realize the necessity of a good dashboard camera.

If you are going to insist on coasting rather than braking, then eventually you will get rear-ended. I have been noticing this little trend for awhile. I blame the "Econ" mode, the hypermiling, possibly straight-up ignorance, down right shameful stupidity.

See my friends, there is a definite and distinct difference between a mere tail light and a brake light. In case you were unaware when you press your brake pedal it illuminates the brake light thus allowing the drive behind you to make the appropriate adjustments. I would rather be behind someone riding their brakes than someone who seems to not know what that horizontal pedal is for.

I am not trying to be overly cranky but I went out by Dayton Mall tonight. The drive out was easy. Thank God, Mad River is open. I don't think people know this because getting through Mad River and Alex Bell was a breeze. I expect traffic. I wasn't born yesterday and despite my best efforts, I don't live under a rock. There was traffic, and I know how to maneuver traffic. The problem came on the way home.

I took 675 home. Off at 48, no biggie until I realized I was behind one of those non-brakers. I gave them the benefit of the doubt at first. Maybe I wasn't seeing correctly. To be fair, some modern taillight configurations and light sources play havoc on my eyes. By the time we passed Elsa's though, I started thinking about this dashboard camera.

"Assured Clear Distance" is like the three most evil words in the English language. I started thinking about how if I rear-ended this j-hole then I'd be the one in trouble. Traffic was heavy. I was doing five under most of the time, and partly because I realized that the guy in front of me was incapable of braking properly. His brake lights did work, but the only time he used them was to turn onto Brookmont. C'mon folks, I am no physics genius but even I know that if I am coasting downhill it might not give the appropriate appearance to other drivers that my intention is to slow down and possibly stop.

I have noticed it a lot. Like I said, I think some of the fuel efficiency features on newer cars have made people forget about the world past their shiny dashboard. I don't care if you are getting 99.9 mpg when you do it and I know that you won't either when I slam full force into the back of your vehicle.

So, yeah, dashboard camera so that in the event I do slam into a brake deficient person I can show evidence that they had not indicated that they were stopped. Would it hold up? I don't know. In lieu of that, I am just going to slowly become one of those weirdos who doesn't drive because other people are so unpredictable.

No, no, no that won't actually happen. More than likely, I will just become like my grandma and saying things like," That's a shame, you spent so much money on the car you couldn't afford to add on brake lights." and a lot of other things that aren't postable from a polite society perspective.

If I can't have a dashboard camera, then Santa could you please see to it that all the decelerating but not braking people in the world have a horrible nightmare where they wake up in a cold sweat and vow to ride their brakes 'til it hurts. Nothing to psycholigically damaging, just enough of a jolt with enough physics and Troma effects to make someone rethink their fear of the brake pedal.

True confessions of an office diva ;)

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I feel diva-ish this morning, if only because I have been doing a steady stream of hot tea, throat spray, and painkillers...ok, so it's only Tylenol. I work in three hours and my throat is staging a protest as we speak. This protest started mid-shift yesterday. 

Who knew that talking eight hours a day could be so exhausting?! As a matter of fact, for those of you out there who know me personally and have wonder publicly or privately if I was even capable of shutting my mouth...I do believe I have reached my limit.

Now off hand I don't know what I logged. I know last time I had checked my stats I had 36 calls, average almost 8 minutes, and I still had two hours to go. I know it doesn't seem like much but that 8 minutes is the average, I think my longest call was around 30 minutes. And I barely communicated with anyone else. I was too busy to take my IMs and I didn't get to verbally say 'hi' to the gal behind me until after 5pm. I really didn't even think about my call stats until after I was able to chit-chat. 

If anything, I should stop talking to other people so that I can maintain my delusions of normalcy. I am not trying to be any sort of superstar. Really, I am not. Honestly, at one point yesterday, I thought I was doing a really horrible job. Seriously, I had issues and a stack of posty that needed attention. Turns out that my failures are a level of success that some people aspire to. Let me tell you, that's a humbling place and apparently one of the things in my life I've never been able to handle properly. 

Do I go through life with a poker face to blend? Or do follow that path that leads to people referring to me as some sort of savant and only coming to me when then need technical assistance? I don't like the latter path. It's been my experience throughout my entire life that a)people do not believe that this level of detail-orientation and awesomeness requires no work or thought on my part and b)because people believe a)they tend to treat me like I am some sort of cocky DB because...well, if I knew that I would have solved this a long time ago. 

 

God gave me this wonderfully twisted brain that latches on to information like leeches to unprotected skin. I am such a bank of worthless and worthwhile information that I sometimes question if I am a robot or droid or something. I have always tried to assimilate, well, at least since I was 15 or. Yep, that fateful week at gifted/talented camp where when a smartassed college kid asked me and the group of girls I with what are "gifts" were. They answered with what program they were in, me, no I've always been diva, so I looked him in the eye and answered "Gab" and kept on walking. 

The good news is the tea is working so I won't lose that gift this morning. The bad news...I am not really sure what to do with all this. Other people there in the temp pool, genuinely need this job way more than I do. I can't really dial back my lack of effort, unless I just stop showing up. I am not inclined to quit because it's actually a pretty enjoyable job...plus we need the money. 

What's a girl to do? So much internal drama and it's only Tuesday!! 

Winding down another day...

Got home from work at a tad before 9pm. I assumed that my husband and son were in bed because except for my daughter's light the house was completely dark. Within minutes, my daughter was in the kitchen with me talking my ear off and a few minutes later my son scooted in. Having such a good conversation with my daughter, I didn't even care my son was up past bedtime.

These last couple of post haven't really been as focused as I would like them to be. I get such plans for this blog thing and end up just doing whatever the hell I feel like. In general, a lot of things aren't how I would like them to be. Yesterday or the day before, I had posted something cryptic (surprise, surprise) about having a bad penny of an issue and not knowing what to do about it. Oddly enough, I have no issues know. I am learning to love the way life works itself out...without my input or say so or whatever other grandiose notion I have at the time.

So my blogs aren't focused and pretty and tied with a bow. People are reading. I am assuming people, maybe it is bots. I don't know. The point is that if I posted and posted and posted and never had hits, I would have quit. I really would have. But I post and post and post, sometimes very raw and very off the cuff and my hits will realistically reach 5 digits by the end of the year, so I must be doing something right.

I have entertained that I am a trainwreck and people can't help themselves. I don't think that is the case. Gruesome freak shows eventually get boring. Based on what I can see in my stats, I resonate with a few of you out there. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to be relatable to you. I think of all the times that I have felt so lost, alone, out of control, crazy and think of what it would have meant to me to find something that I could hold onto and feel a little relief.

I have nothing against positivity and motivational slants BUT 24/7 happiness is not available without a prescription. I would rather be real and have people attach to me for my realness than to have a throng of adoring fans attached to a fabrication that I can not sustain. I am so Popeye in that I am what I am. And the phrase "I am" makes me think of a lesson I once heard a Unity minister deliver a lesson cautioning to be care what you attach your "I am" to. (Oh snap! I ended a sentence with a preposition.)

It makes a lot of sense really. Of all the things that I could say that I am...which ones REALLY matter? I am a job? Nope, not really in most cases. No fooling for a lot of a j-o-b is a means to an end, so why weigh yourself down with something like that? I am a social status. Sorry, wrong answer, take it from me and Frank Sinatra "riding high in April, shot down in May."

I am a wife and a mother...and a daughter and niece...a sister...a friend...a lover...God expressing at the point where I exist...love...those things seems worthwhile attachments to what I am because they are always and only dependent on one thing...me.

Nothing in my whole day mattered to me more than the time with my kids tonight when I got home. They never gave me time like that when I was home, so it makes me feel better about the cosmic scheme of how I ended up back in the work force in a job title I swore I would never hold.

I guess what I am saying is that you my friend should never cloud what you are with what you need to be because in the words of Loretta Lynn "God Makes No Mistakes."

Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, despite what you are feeling, it's all part of the ride. Trust me, hang on through that next dip, that next bend, sometimes even a couple of loop-de-loops, It's only the end of the world if you give up. I regret it took me nearly 37 years to figure that out.

How's that for a wind down? I am off to bed. I hope that whereever you are peace finds you and you are able to be a blessing to someone else. 

Not so wordless Wednesday...playing catch up.

This new schedule is certainly going to take some adjustment. Sigh. I feel quite out of sorts but this too will pass. Today starts a bit of "free" time during the morning three mornings a week. Honestly, I am sitting here listening to Enpde, writing you because frankly I'd rather not look at my house and the aftermath of my first two weeks working.

Plus, I am kinda heavy this morning with things on my mind. Someone please tell me what you are supposed to do when you do your part and give the rest up to God...only to have God fling it back at you. For my atheist friends, please read the above sentence as what do you do when all logic, planning, and debate fail.  Or something like that. I guess it's not a huge deal, I only woke up way to early with tension and pain. Lovely. Yeesh. I don't know. It has to change but I am afraid of the change going a wrong way. I know I am not the puppetmaster but I would like to keep the people involved in my life...I just want their drama to go away. They need some peace. I don't know my part in it. I must have a part because I am sitting here with it on my mind.

I do like the certain dropped out of society feel my new schedule has. I'm not kidding. If I didn't have other responsibilities I would not have to be up 4 or so hours before my scheduled start. It's been playing a bit like a leisurely morning. I am about 3 hours off the 9 to 5ers, so there is no traffic. No lines at fast food. In and out for coffee. I think this is what the apocalypse will feel like.

On the other hand, I wonder if I will ever have a social life. I suppose work peeps, but a little guarded about work relationships. Especially right now, since I am only a temp, it's kind of like being in a shark tank. Who knows what the next few weeks and hopefully months will bring?!

Well, thank you for wasting ten minutes of your precious time with me! I do appreciate it.  It was really nice to log on here after a bit of an absence and see that I hadn't flat lined. So what do you think? What do you do with something that never seems to go away despite your efforts to put it to rest?

Naked

Driving home from Walmart, this song came on. It's one of those oh I used to love bands...that I never listen to now. I listened to it twice.

You're naked inside your fear
Can't take back all those years
Shots in the dark from empty guns
Never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone 

It just really hit me. Idk, since y'all don't live in my head and I have been MIA the past week it would be difficult to catch you up to speed. And just so ya know, despite the somewhat somber tone of the song... I feel perty good. I can tell that I have changed. My attitude on this job is different. Probably a number of reasons why, but it's a nice change. It takes a lot of pressure of to not be looking for the next step up and to instead be focused on total mastery of this level.

Sigh, perhaps I learned that too quickly because there are some possibilities that may interfere with this job. It's really quite hilarious that it seems like every time I find a job, my other half has a new opportunity thrown at him. He deserves it. I find it funny really. And again, in a show of change, I am not worried.

I very rarely ever write down anything at church. Okay, anything serious. It's been months ago, but there was something that I was said that struck me so profoundly I dug a crumpled receipt out of my purse and scribbled it down. It was in my wallet until last week when I put it on my dashboard.

God's will will never take you where God's grace will not sustain you.

I have heard variations of that that left me flat or were just flat out annoying. I don't know if it was the delivery or perhaps just the receiver's state of mind that made that resonate with me so much. Or maybe it's just because it sounds more cosmopolitan than "If He leads you to it, He'll lead you through it" I don't know. 

If ANYTHING...I know that "Naked" hit me the way it did tonight because it's one of those songs that I am hearing with different ears. I am really grateful to not be in that place anymore where I feel bounded by all my fears. It's raw and an uncomfortable and really not that fun to live. Dude, I am far from perfect or fearless or whole but I am working on it. I guess that's something. Shrug. Idk. 

I probably seem crazy and rambling because the last couple of weeks of my life. OMG, you just wouldn't believe it if I told and I really think that some of those weirdo things that happen...you aren't supposed to tell about directly. So here's to not being naked and living so that I can help other people find their clothes too. TTFN.

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line, Engines pumping and thumping in time.

Going the Distance by Cake is in my head for some reason right now. Oh yeah, it's because I am wondering how things are all going pan out. Nothing about life is truly linear, I realize that, but I do sometimes wonder if I am spinning my wheels or if maybe point J is going to be crossed before point B or something like that.

I have spent the better part of the last two hours writing for Enpde. It's not really a non-paying gig since he makes the money to buy the food. When I sit down to write for him or myself or anyone else for that matter, it is that step out in faith that it's not all in vain. It's hard to ghostwrite. It's hard to have been given carte blanche. That's a lot of pressure really. I can do anything I want in the name of enpde. You have no idea how terrifying that is.

I had been thinking about some sort of Flag Day post for myself but it seems so irrelevant. I have a hard time writing for myself. I have noticed that I wax and wane between focused and unfocused.

Sigh...

Earlier tonight, I had a friendly "while your qualifications were good" email. I am so tired of those. It is completely unnecessary and a bit hard to believe. It was an administrative support position. To say my qualifications were good...well, that's like saying Marlon Brando is an okay actor. Not braggin' just sayin'. It 'twas part time and would have been interesting. Haters. Talk to the hand.

So, either I am completely delusional about my work skills and abilities or the universe is...no has been consistently telling me something for the past three years. Ugh, but it's not like explicitly telling me exactly what my calling is...only whispering that a cooped up office is no place for a pretty girl like me and teasing me with opportunities.

Darn those opportunities! Right now, it's just this blog and my work with Enpde. Oh and a hundred million other direct sales offers. Shrug. I dunno. I don't think I have a good personality for any sort of sales. Actually, when I was in college, there was a marketing class that was mandatory, I forget what it was called, but we had to do fundraising as a way to learn sales and cold calling and what not. Half way through the quarter, my partner declared that if I had to work sales I would starve if I wasn't selling something I could 110% get behind. It's true, really, we were fundraising for a children's charity and I just couldn't do it. I know cold-hearted, right? Not really, just not in a good place at the time to care about dying kids when I had a perfectly healthy one who I was struggling to provide for.

I know so many smart people who seem to be struggling. This isn't anything like the brochure. Hard work used to equal reward, now I don't know. I tried for awhile to be a mom to myself and chant "hardwork is it's own reward" but as I mentioned, I'm not very good in sales so I wasn't buying it.

I honestly need like bright neon signs and a burning bush to point me in the right direction. I feel drifty and I do really stupid shit when I feel drifty. 

Greetings from Monday...at least I think it's Monday!

Northern Exposure
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Does anyone else ever feel like they are in some sort of time warp or other sort of tear or wrinkle in the space/time continuum? It's Monday, May 14, 2012 and honestly I feel like I have lost a month or two somewhere!

I am seriously not complaining, a lot of details fall out of focus in times like this. Been offline more than on, and debating whether that is a sign I need a smartphone or if it's a sign of something else.

Despite all the seeming chaos, life has been quite peaceful lately. My husband's schedule has been regulating and he doesn't need to travel far, far away for sometime. School is winding down, so there's less to do there. Driving school is almost done too, just have to get her on roads and her test and that's done. Got a bit of a regular schedule going with the boy, too.

Despite my lack of post I have managed to cross something off my 2012 to do list...giveaways. I am currently running one and participating in two. May Daze Grab Bag is just something that I whipped up and it ends 5/31/12 and is open to US only. Chic Algene's Birthday Bash is open worldwide and ends 5/30/12. And finally, the Father's Day Mancave Giveaway is also open worldwide and ends 6/8/12. It's more work than I realized to organize and execute these giveaways but I am thankful for the opportunity that has presented itself to be a part of them.

I think that my looking at life like a centrifuge lately has helped me keep my sanity. Instead of getting upset at all I haven't gotten to, I've been looking at it more like all this shake up is separating out what I need to be concentrating on from what I've been wasting time on. Like, I am still active with Do You Bake and Clever Container but am seriously evaluating my place with both companies. Don't get me wrong, I love the products but do they fit long term with my life? I don't know the answer to that yet.  I did change the name of my old Clever blog, and I have a grand plan for that but it seems to be one of those things that has filtered out at the moment.

Anyway, enter some giveaways and have a great week! I know I plan to :)

Buried in life update...

As I write this I am sitting listening to my husband work on some music. It's pretty awesome that someone can take some hilariously obscene wrong number voice mails and turn it in to something positive. When he gets it done I'll post it.

I have been meaning to post a little giveaway to bridge to a big giveaway, and oh by the way friends, I am about to make that dream of steadily offering giveaways a reality. If I get a chance tonight, I will definitely post it. It isn't much but it's nothing to scoff at either. I just don't know if I will get the chance. Or have the gumption.

Boogie had his first little league game last night and he was the lead off hitter. My husband shared with me early how proud he was when our little man nailed a good solid hit, and to be honest I was right there with him. It's exciting to see my kids progress through life. Another game Saturday, and pictures too. Busy. Busy.

There's been a whole mess of stuff to deal with lately and it has taken me away from writing among other things. It's not really even a lack of time, but a lack of motivation and energy. Face it, when dealing with some people it takes every ounce of energy to hold on to your spirit and your soul. I do have to admit though when I was at our rental tonight, I felt like very warm and fuzzy when I walked into bedroom. We gave them permission to paint, and aside from loving what they picked for the living room, I was moved by something in the bedroom. It was just a little love token, a little initial in heart action but it was so darned sweet.

I don't entirely hate all this chaos, it all seems like forward motion. I just some times wish there was less of a need for sleep.

They Got a Committee to Get Me Off the Block Because I Feed the Squirrels Nuts and I Feed 'Em Non-Stop

If as you read the title it sounds vaguely familiar, then you are probably a Beastie Boys fan. For some reason, "Slow Ride" by Beastie Boys is a song that my head goes to a lot. It may be that the song is almost 30 years old...so I have been listening to it for awhile. I think its a credit to Beastie Boys and Rick Rubin that yesterday "Girls" came on the radio and my 16-year-old commented that it sounded like a new song but then continued that it couldn't really be new because it wasn't completely stupid.

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Back to the squirrels, if you live in the Miami Valley you may remember seeing what seemed like a slow news day story about a lady who was in trouble with the law for feeding squirrels. I think it was October or November. I would have probably not watched but they were two streets over. It didn't specifically say that, I just recognized the houses.

Anyway, it answered a question I have had since I moved in here. "Who the hell is feeding the squirrels all these peanuts?!" I know, at first, that everyone is like so what some lady fed squirrels, big deal. A couple of nuts, here and there is no big deal. My grandma would buy a bag of peanuts to feed Miss Suzy, and that bag would last her a month or two. Were just talking a little bag too, like you might get at a ballgame. This lady was (hopefully was but I'll get to that) heavily invested in squirrel welfare, and we felt the effects two blocks over. I have always found, and still find, peanut shells. At any given time, there are squirrels in my back and front yard foraging for their savings.

I have been some what lucky and mostly just annoyed. I have lost plants to these little boogers. Most recently they dug into both pots of my morning glory starts. That more than made me mad, they had just got to a place where probably this week I could start training them up the front post. There were a few salvageable, but not enough to cover the area I need covered. Talking to my neighbor the other week, she said she quit trying to plant anything new because she felt like all she was doing was opening squirrel buffets. The closer neighbors have fared worse with extensive damage caused by their squirrel infestation.
She's not supposed to be subsidizing the squirrels anymore. She's been to court. (If you are wondering, the exact charge was trespassing because she would go into neighbor's yards and feed the bushy tailed rodents.) There's like so many issues here I could talk about! Like getting people the help they need, it's just my opinion but when you reach a point in your life where you are spending obscene amounts of time and money feeding wildlife (and no your kids don't count, despite their behavior) there just may be some sort of intervention needed. I don't buy the excuse that she (or anyone else like that is "taking care of" these creatures. Just like ducks don't naturally eat Wonder bread, squirrels don't consume unsalted peanuts in their natural habitat. When you feed wildlife food you do two things, make them lazy and put them in harms way. I have an aunt whose degree is in interpretive biology, if you don't believe me I'll put you in touch with her. By the time she gets done with you, you'll be afraid to spit gum out the window. (Seriously).

I have my doubts that the feeding has stopped. Compulsions don't just stop because the court orders them too. The court order is supposed to be the wake up call to get your shit together but it doesn't always work that way.

So, I am off this morning to get some mulch so that these useless garden beds in front of my house can have a little zing. I'd rather plant flowers but the squirrel lady has pretty much ruined that.

So, I never thought I'd have to warn ya not to Google April flowers

Seriously, I was looking for some graphics I could use on today's post. Wish I would have known that April Flowers is a porn star before I searched it. Even with safe search on, the first hit is her wikipedia page with two other sites making on the first page of search results. Smh, and don't even get me started on the images page.

The upnote is I learned a piece of history in that April Flowers was also the name of a exotic dancer from the 60s who had some mob ties and did a frame up on a sheriff candidate in Cincy/NKY. (Abridged history by Jenny, so please no trying to correct me by adding details.)

I hate to even imagine what searching "april showers bring may flowers" might turn up. Shrug, I guess that's what happens in a world where so many people ascribe to be rock stars and ballers. I am just in a bad mood today I guess, and witnessing the further decline of civilization isn't helping. I just wanted to look at pretty flower spreads...and I guess in away I did minus the pretty.

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

I remember when top hats and aviator goggles were all the rage. Hell, I remember when 4 Non-Blondes were all the rage.I remember a lot, sometimes the downside of getting older.

I don't know what was the bigger appeal of this group, the lyrics, the name or the fact that it was some girls I could relate to. All of the above I guess...maybe. I remember listening to "What's Up" a lot with my friend, Julie. I remember it meaning a lot more when I was 25. "25 years of my life and still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination."  And now here I am, ten years past twenty five still pondering that meaning.

I do feel peculiar. Moreso than I care to admit most days. But yeah, it always amazes me how much I don't fit in sometimes. And that's with trying to!!

I guess, the impetus for all this is my recent evaluation that I have amounted to nothing. It's not melodrama. I try and try and try and do not yield the same fruits as others seem to yield doing the exact same or less then I am attempting.

 ...one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Maybe it's time to stop being a dinosaur.Granted, I never a got a paycheck from my last job. But maybe the point of life is that everyone is miserable all the time and no body really ever gets to do what they want. Least, that's how I am seeing it. 'Cuz I dunno, really, seriously, I've laid a lot of ground work to this magical forest I thought existed and where I am standing right now, seems like all I did is waste a lot bread laying my path.

I am not trying to be a downer. It's just where I am at right now, in this moment. I thought I was following a "calling" but more and more it seems like maybe I am just delusional.

Bracket Busting Hijinks...

I like that modern technology allows me to play multiple brackets...legally and without spending a dime. I was super hot on my one bracket for awhile. Had I picked what I thought I had I would still be smokin', not huge deal since there's no money riding on anything.

So, if Kentucky and Ohio State win tonight, I'll still have a hat in the ring. The problem comes on the final. Do I root for the chance to win an iPod or big fat pizza gift certificate? No way I am in the running for a million dollars or anything like that but I would gladly welcome a smaller prize.

Don't expect a full report from me after the game. I have a show from 12-5 and the first game is at 6. Hmm, is it wrong to pray to go to B-dubs for dinner? I should put the number in my phone right now to make it even easier to pick it up on the way home.
May the best team win and I hope it's yours! :)

I do not comprehend all this whining!

This is not a parenting post. This is me trying to wrap my head around all the whining and complaining I just read on Facebook.

You "lost" an hour...BFD. You probably lose more hours every year complaining about the time changes, the the actual clock hours involved in the time changes. I went to bed late Saturday and got up early to take my husband to the airport where he flew to a different time zone on the heels of a time change. He was up late with me. I have yet to hear one iota of bellyaching out of his mouth.

If I seem grumpy, well, maybe I am. It's an hour. You know when it's going to happen. You can not get away from the notices, and with most of us steadfastly glued to our atomic cell phone clocks, there is so much less chance of actually being thrown entirely off kilter by a chain of events caused by being an hour late somewhere.

It's not just the time change whining, either, I guess. There have been a lot of things that have come into my awareness the past couple of weeks and really reinforce my notion that nothing in life is brain surgery or rocket science except for brain surgery and rocket science. Some of these things that I am seeing and experiencing have really shone a light on how ungodly self absorbed people are and how so many people are the root of their own problems.

Sigh. I'm gonna kick my soapbox back under the table and go deliver some DYB goodies before I pick up my son. And maybe dig out Wedding Crashers this afternoon, because I keep thinking of the motor boat scene on the stairs.

Hopefully all this whining will die down just in time to "fall back" and I can revisit this post when people are posting that the sky is falling and the world is ending because they "gained" an hour. Because really, time is an abstract, it is not absolute. Or perhaps the Talking Heads can explain it better...

time isn't holding us, time isn't after us

time isn't holding us, time doesn't hold you back

time isn't holding us, time isn't after us

time isn't holding us,

To steal a phrase from a minister I used to enjoy...Make that spiritual.

Random Topic Conversation Generator

I am at a loss for words today. Exhausted and slightly scattered, smothered, covered, chunked and capped.

So, here are a few gems from http://www.conversationstarters.com/generator.php along with my silly answers. I guess part of putting my trust in something bigger than myself starts with not taking myself so seriously!

What is the first thing you do in the morning?

Wish my son wasn't such a morning person.

 

What did you have for lunch yesterday?
Leftover Baked Enchilada Casserole.

What is the least favorite thing about this week?
Sleeping alone.

 

Would you rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school?
Moot. Both have their pros and cons. Could I pick to be the smartest popular kid?

Do you like to cook?

Yes, very much so!

 

What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?

Count my blessings and acknowledge appreciation for them. 

 

What is the best thing that happened to you this week?

Hmmm, it's been a rough couple of days. I'll get back to you. 

 

Do you prefer to shop online or in a store?
In a store. I am tactile. I need to touch it. I am particular about materials and the way things feel. 

 

What is your dream job?

The one that doesn't feel like work.

 

Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year?
Junk food, I guess. Not that I am heavy into either one of those.

 

What drink do you usually order with your food?
Water. 

 

Who do you have on your speed dial?
Husband. Daughter. Mom. Brothers.

Do you recycle?
I plead the fifth.

 

Would you want to know when you'll die?

No.

 

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Writer. Mom. Queen of the Universe.

 

What did you have for dinner last night?

Veggie Burger and fries from Christopher's.

What celebrity do you like to follow?
None really. Stalking is a young game. The older I get, the less involved or interested in all of that I seem to be. 

 

What was your favorite subject in school?
Elementary: Art

Middle School:English/Reading/Art/Shop/Home Ec

High School:English, Adv. Comp., French, Drama

College: Philosophy, Insurance, Financial Planning, Management and Economics.
I know weird right? 

What do you do to stay in shape?
Good question. I am out of shape. I get winded just thinking about working out.

 

Where did you go on your last vacation?
I guess you can kind of count Chicago or Lexington. Really tho, it's been a long time since I've taken anything more than a couple of day get away. 

 

Do you have any vacation plans coming up?
Possibly revisiting Chicago and Lexington this spring and summer. We've briefly discussed a winter trip to some place magical...you might even say it's the most magical place on Earth. 

 

What was the last movie you saw?
Re-watched "Heathers" the other night. 

 

I could probably do that all day. Maybe I'll find a different one to entertain you with tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aquarius hotels on facebook and youtube...no I haven't been hacked.

I know it seems a wholly unglamorous way to spend a Friday night, but I was just looking at the top all time most popular searches. Like most things I wonder about I haven't found a definitive answer...yet. I did stumble on aquarius, facebook, youtube, and hotels as being really popular so I'm going to leach a little power from them.

I have noticed that when I post song lyrics as subject lines, my blog appears in searches for that song or artist. Kinda cool. I would imagine that facebook and youtube are highly searched KWs because people like me will just type the name of where we want to go in our Google search box and then click through the search page because it's so much work to type a full URL.

Sorry, I just wasted 5 minutes of your life. This probably would have been more interesting if I had been hacked :)

The fine line between demographics and stereotypes

So, I happened to finally go through some of my coupon mail today. Not like the junk that comes from ValPak but the onslaught of coupons which come as a result of my grocery store stalking me.

Now, I am not one to have a hair trigger sensitivity about things but I couldn't help but notice the one set of coupons. In case you weren't aware, this month is Black History Month. This particular store put out a mini mag for the month complete with obligatory MLK picture.

I never really read the articles or whatever but I couldn't  not notice the coupons..chicken, ribs, Aunt Jemima, hot sauce, relaxer. So, I get it it's Black History Month and you want me to be aware that MLK sacrificed his life so that we could all pretend Patti LaBelle actually spends time in her kitchen making gazpacho and saute. (I doubt it.)




The thing about demographics is that this little mag is coming here and somewhere there is complete analysis of this zip code, this address that would indicate that there is a very slim chance anyone here needs relaxer. I wonder if they got this same flyer in the 17 or 08 zips. I guess I am sensitive to that here in the two-nine because in the demographic file I mentioned it probably indicates that I am an uppity white girl with a penchant for Starbucks and Pilates. It is offensive on some level that the coupons offered in this flyer are stereotypically racist to an extent. It's like a Mother's Day flyer with discounts on Midol and Pamprin or a NASCAR themed flyer of half off Moon Pies.

I guess, it is just very shocking to me that a large chain store could get away with something as early 60s as advertising like that.