Wasting Time: The Story of My Life

So, I have just wasted a large amount of time arranging a photo book because I had an email for a free one. I failed to notice that the email was lacking a code and the date was kinda jinkie. Plus, we are about an hour over the deadline because quite honestly the My Publisher software really is not so user friendly. Seriously, would get to points and wonder where certain pics had gone only to have to relocate them on the hard drive.

It's not like it was a Christmas gift. The bad news is that I have been pouring myself into for the last several hours because it was going to be a gift for my husband on the occasion of our fifth wedding anniversary. No wait, the bad news is that because of who I am, I now feel compelled to create this little book myself in a much more fantabulous and albeit probably more expensive manner.

I probably won't though. How could I manage to create it and keep it secret all at the same time? We do live together after all.

Sigh.

It is a little upsetting. I could have been sleeping. Heck, I still need a shower.

I sometimes feel like this is the story of my life. I put a lot of work and heart into something only to have the whole thing blown by some strange circumstance. I'd really kind of like to think that I am exaggerating a little bit. But then I'd also like to think that it is my couch that is uncomfortable and not the fact that I have been sitting here working on a failed project for two hours.

I can't in good faith pay for it, because given the trouble I've had to this point I don't trust that it would come out as designed. It's not entirely wasted time either I suppose. I've just looked at six years worth of pictures. Well, what I could find. 2009 seems to be missing but then that was the year of never-ending sorrow (or something like that). I couldn't even find Christmas pictures. It would have been our last Christmas at the little house. Things were some what less harrowing by Christmas, surely they are around here somewhere.

Maybe someday all this mud will dry out and my wheels can actually get some traction.

G'night friends, I am going to hit the showers and contemplate why bad websites happen to good people.

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

I remember when top hats and aviator goggles were all the rage. Hell, I remember when 4 Non-Blondes were all the rage.I remember a lot, sometimes the downside of getting older.

I don't know what was the bigger appeal of this group, the lyrics, the name or the fact that it was some girls I could relate to. All of the above I guess...maybe. I remember listening to "What's Up" a lot with my friend, Julie. I remember it meaning a lot more when I was 25. "25 years of my life and still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination."  And now here I am, ten years past twenty five still pondering that meaning.

I do feel peculiar. Moreso than I care to admit most days. But yeah, it always amazes me how much I don't fit in sometimes. And that's with trying to!!

I guess, the impetus for all this is my recent evaluation that I have amounted to nothing. It's not melodrama. I try and try and try and do not yield the same fruits as others seem to yield doing the exact same or less then I am attempting.

 ...one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Maybe it's time to stop being a dinosaur.Granted, I never a got a paycheck from my last job. But maybe the point of life is that everyone is miserable all the time and no body really ever gets to do what they want. Least, that's how I am seeing it. 'Cuz I dunno, really, seriously, I've laid a lot of ground work to this magical forest I thought existed and where I am standing right now, seems like all I did is waste a lot bread laying my path.

I am not trying to be a downer. It's just where I am at right now, in this moment. I thought I was following a "calling" but more and more it seems like maybe I am just delusional.

If you give away the links for free, they won't wanna read the blog

So, um, yes, I might be in a slightly less than positive mood today. Mostly great weekend, no big deal, couple of things in their but nothing that would triggered this. No, woke up Monday morning just feeling slightly off and just never got up from that point.

Monday, also not a horrible day...except for my husband leaving all the clean laundry strewn across the bed and doing my business accounting. Nothing can break your illusions about yourself quicker than accounting...and teenagers.

I have worked very hard over the past year on all these little projects, and nothing has come to any point that reflects the amount of time and energy expended on these projects. Okay, I'll say it money, none of these projects have returned the amount of money that reflects the effort. I was sitting flipping through blogs that are pretty wildly popular and they are crap. There's no substance, it's all giveaway and nonsense.

So, yeah, I am a little disgruntled at the moment. Having a tad bit of existential blues which seemingly I am the only person in the entire world who ever feels like this, because if there were more people would actually be reading this.

And to compound matters, I had this whole fantastic idea come to me last week that is just...well, fantastic. It's not even worth going into. I am entertaining the idea that I was a fool to think and believe if I followed what was written on my heart that it might actually make me happy. It's never been some half-baked, overblown delusion of disproportionate payout. I just wanted to be successful at something for once in my life.

It's never in the cards for me though, is it?