Maybe how you land isn't as important as where you land

Kitty coloring page from http://www.raisingourkids.com

How are you this fine rainy Friday?

So, if you don't know, yesterday, I arrived at work and my badge had been disabled. Apparently, all the temp contracts had been cancelled. I commented on Facebook that I was going to be the cat who lands on her feet.

It may have been adrenaline or denial talking, I am not sure. I don't feel so sleek and cat-like this afternoon. I feel quite a bit like my old dog the day he got so scared of a thunderstorm he got his head stuck in between steps trying to escape. Fearful and erratic are never a good combination.

Ironically, I got asked to come back to that job this morning in an email...but under completely different hours and days. I appreciate that I was referred to as a superstar, but if you remember I am also a diva, so I politely declined. In all truthfulness, the schedule just wouldn't work for me and my hardcore wife and mother lifestyle. So, yay I am a superstar!

I also had an interview this morning. Just picture me with an exasperated I can't really say nothing nice face shaking my head. They could have asked me those questions over the phone and save me the trip downtown. I am a little salty I overfed the meter but I do hope someone pulled and was able to reap that small victorious feeling one gets when they find a meter with a lot of time left on it.

I am completely lacking in the motivation to do anything right now. It's Friday. I don't want to work too hard. Plus, I'd be better off to wait 'til Monday to look again at the job postings anywhere. I don't even know where to start with the housework as I do not currently own a good flame-thrower. I've got a kid home sick. It's cold. It's rainy. Headache. Shoulder pain. Whine. Pffft. Sigh.

The only thing I know for sure is that I am making chicken tacos tonight. It's the only thing I am excited about right now. I want to make 'em with all the accouterments. Chicken. Cheese. Beans. Onions. Olives. Peppers. I want a whole little taco bar on my table.

I feel like I am in a bit of a free fall. I am not devastated about the job, but it is an inconvenience.I sort of had a suspicion that we were just pawns in a game. I am making contacts, so it's only a matter of time before I find something...or nothing. As long as things are taken care of, it's not a big deal. So right now, yeah, it's a pretty big deal with my husband and I alternatingly flipping out. If we can keep out meltdowns on an alternate schedule we won't completely lose it.

I am alright with the free fall if I land where I should be. I don't care if it's on all fours with the grace of a cat. I've never been all that graceful. No one talks about your perfect landings anyway. Also, I wouldn't want to bounce right back if where ever I bounce is just a shinier version of where I came from. I can  make a mean shredded chicken, and if I have to chose between a smooth landing and the tacos...I'll take the tacos.

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

I remember when top hats and aviator goggles were all the rage. Hell, I remember when 4 Non-Blondes were all the rage.I remember a lot, sometimes the downside of getting older.

I don't know what was the bigger appeal of this group, the lyrics, the name or the fact that it was some girls I could relate to. All of the above I guess...maybe. I remember listening to "What's Up" a lot with my friend, Julie. I remember it meaning a lot more when I was 25. "25 years of my life and still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination."  And now here I am, ten years past twenty five still pondering that meaning.

I do feel peculiar. Moreso than I care to admit most days. But yeah, it always amazes me how much I don't fit in sometimes. And that's with trying to!!

I guess, the impetus for all this is my recent evaluation that I have amounted to nothing. It's not melodrama. I try and try and try and do not yield the same fruits as others seem to yield doing the exact same or less then I am attempting.

 ...one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Maybe it's time to stop being a dinosaur.Granted, I never a got a paycheck from my last job. But maybe the point of life is that everyone is miserable all the time and no body really ever gets to do what they want. Least, that's how I am seeing it. 'Cuz I dunno, really, seriously, I've laid a lot of ground work to this magical forest I thought existed and where I am standing right now, seems like all I did is waste a lot bread laying my path.

I am not trying to be a downer. It's just where I am at right now, in this moment. I thought I was following a "calling" but more and more it seems like maybe I am just delusional.

Abscence makes the blog grow longer...and the heart fonder too.

So, we are in week three of my husband's training schedule. Week three of chaos being the new normal. I thought I had post a few weeks ago that I had a blog topic rattling around my brain but I just couldn't string the words together to get sentences. That was week one, the content is richer but unfortunately, my brain is feeling a bit overwhelmed.

When he was one hundred miles away, it really wasn't any less rough. There is something though about that distance. It's manageable. Well, manageable in that we can meet halfway for dinner about midweek. Manageable in that it's a city and town I have been to and through and it just doesn't seem like a big deal.

Now, he traveled with his old job but this training rotation is such a different beast. This week marks the longest number of consecutive days that we have ever been apart...since we met. It makes me smile a bit because it reminds me of being a teenager and having similar thoughts about shorter time frames. I know that it seems really weird to a lot of people that since we met this marks the first solid week we have ever been apart.  It is what it is. Some people just hit it off I guess, and next thing you know they are hundreds of miles apart. She's listening to heavy rotation of sad sap songs and blogging about it while he does his homework and his own ironing.  Seriously, when I got off the phone with him a bit ago that was why.

I thought I really missed him the first week, even drove all the way out to see him. The first week reminded me of a few things, like how much things had changed in our marriage over the last six months. Lord, then I watched Marriage Retreat on NetFlix and that really through me for one. But ultimately by the end of the first week, I was okay. Full of gratitude and okay.

Week two, no biggie. We Skyped a couple of times. Did dinner. We all survived...intact.

Week three, started a day earlier than the other weeks and involves two time zones. His internet is sketchy, so there's been no video chatting. He calls every break he has during the day to try keep in touch with our son. Texting is sporadic. He missed a birthday. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I just want to cry. I am not sleeping well because honestly our bed sucks and without him to be my counterbalance I can't get comforable...and he's snuggly. I have got roughly 48 more hours of this and it will truly be by the grace of God that I make it because I feel quite defeated, quite lonely, and so uncertain about how in the world these next few weeks of this training schedule is going to pan out.

I started the night just listening to my Pandora quickmix but that went horrible wrong when a Cure song came on. As I type this, I have clicked my way through YouTube video to "Come Undone" by Duran Duran. I kinda wish I had heard that first, instead of "There Is No If" by The Cure.  From "There Is No If" I started clicking though the suggested videos. I could have chosen any of them, but this one is the only one that 100% fits my head and my heart without bringing on the waterworks.

Maybe by the time this is all over I will be able to cover that topic that has now been on the back burner since week one and completely nail it. Assuming I haven't fallen completely apart by then.