Burning Bridges: Letting Go Means Not Saving Them A Seat For Later

Blogger's rendition of the current state of the bridges in her life

Some mornings, some afternoons, some moments, some weeks, there is just a resounding theme. Burn, baby, burn, it's a blogging inferno. Okay, not really, but burn has been on my mind, in my vocabulary and in my idle esoteric and existential wanderings. Reading my email this morning, really seared this theme into my firing synapses.

First, I have had a burning desire to pray for and request prayer for several people that keep smoldering in my mind. It's been a covert op as I already know that a number of people in my life would be inflamed that I would be so bold as to bring people who have hurt me to the throne of grace. I think in keeping it all as embers, it manifested into the most bizarre dream last night. It is what it is I suppose but it set a tone for my day.

Reading my email, there was one from the person in my life who is equivalent to the paperboy in "Better Off Dead" and like clockwork, this person asks for their two dollars and I sigh, verbally respond and move on. I have to be an adult because it's a bridge I can't burn (or won't burn, some days it goes both ways.) It got me to reflecting on the past several days, weeks, and months. It has me wondering if society has made me overly caution about setting fire to paths that no longer serve my good, just because one day, in some page of this choose your adventure, I might need the connection.

Most people come and go gracefully in and out of life.Ebb and flow or some shit like that. I can only speak for myself when I say the problem seems very much being me not going with that flow and trying to orchestrate things under the delusion that I am some sort of skilled puppetmaster. There may be some hoarding issues in my family tree and I think emotions and memories and other weirdness are part of that oddity.

What am I trying to say? I very clearly know how I feel about people, places and things right now. I have ignored the still small voice because of history or guilt or regret or plain foolishness. Sentimentality side-swipes sanity sometimes and then it's all down hill. So many visions, so many previous blueprints, so many previous maps, I don't know why I still have them hanging around. Fear maybe, or mostly, I don't know for sure.

The Information Society song "Burning Bridges" puts it best with the lyrics:

Yesterday I said goodbye
To all my old loves and some new ones
Hanging 'round my window whispering
There are things that can't be undone
Yesterday I threw away those treasures
That I kept for so long
Treasures only weigh you down
So I'm burning all the bridges of my memory

Those treasures do weigh you down. They clog up the shelf. They take up space. The limit your ability to allow new things into your life.  That crazy dream I mentioned? The character list was me, the artist formerly known as my husband, 2 ex-boyfriends (and I use that term very loosely with one of them), 2 crushes and a dude that keeps popping up. That's five people clogging up space in my head. That's five seats I am saving, possibly shooing away the person who is actually supposed to sit next to me. I don't even realize I am doing it sometimes but thank God my sleeping brain processes things in such a way I take notice.

You can't hold onto everyone or everything forever. Life is not static. I could (and probably should) take this down a whole scriptural road but I don't want to lose anyone tonight. Some people are saving seats for ideas that no longer serve them and refuse to let new ideas sit down with them. I hate seeing people become caricatures of themselves because they keep insisting on towing a line that is wrapped to a noose around their neck. Trust me, I am by no means perfect in any regard but I am at least aware of my imperfections and open to the idea that may how I operate isn't the best course of action for me. 

I am not holding seats anymore. If you want to show up to life with me, show up. On time. Appropriately attired. Ready for the show. I have front-row, ring-side, VIP seats to a show that has every element of an edge of your seat, award-winning production. There are people lining up for seats to this show, so why am I holding seats for people who are outside talking to scalpers, looking for a better deal? Shrug. I don't have a good answer for that but I do have a new question.

Anyone got a light?

You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car. - Reese Bobby

I have been thinking about this movie scene mostly because I have been drowning in this subject.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.

I don't really know how I am still up at 1:18am considering that I did not get good rest last night. Restless. Unpleasant dreams. Just drained.

The course of the last several days has really put me on edge. Now, for the record, I am not saying that no one is on the same edge. I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for me...and it's not an uptempo song right now.

I am usually pretty fearless. Oh, I have my my moments. Everyone does. But this right now, I can't shake it. The only reason these fears are starting to draw shadows on me is because my defenses are completely wore down. I am a dead battery.
It's kinda starting to look like game over and I am so tired of this game I am not even in the mood to try to find the time extender or extra life. 

I have completely lost all confidence. I am not joking. I will seriously punch the next person who says some bs like fall down seven times get up eight or you only fail when you stop trying or that things get better. I needed them better yesterday. I can not endure another setback. And lest you want to write me off as a whiner, I don't believe that my family and I have had a moments peace in four years. Starting with the week my son was born to now...I am not sure that I remember what happy...truly at ease, content, happy really feels like.

It's always something. It always is. I get that. Nothing is smooth. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't expect life to be as cheerfully surreal as an Old Navy commercial. I would expect a modicum of effort to produce some sort of positive result. I don't know maybe I expect too  much. There is a fine line between dreamer and fool, perhaps I have been kidding myself about which side of the line that I am on.


If I could learn to drive with the cougar, mebbee just mebbee, I could sleep. I mean like really sleep. Rock hard, solid, restful and rejuvenating sleep like I haven't experienced since...probably since about June or July of 2008. Hmm...you know, on that line...I think I have a great big huge colossal enormous resentment against God, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it. I resent having been put in a position where I truly felt good and optimistic and hopeful. That first year of marriage, being pregnant with my son, and my husband, daughter and I really coming together as a family.

Smfh. It's entirely too late tonight early this morning to rehash that. I mean, even the people who might be reading this and think they know what I am talking about (except for R) you don't. I mean you might know some of the pains but you don't know them all or the depths of them.

I dunno, the whole driving with the cougar thing is along the same lines as walking by faith which I don't think I am capable of doing. I mean, I thought I was going with the flow and letting go but then something happens. Not something good. Never. Ever. I don't remember the last time something happened that just made me think  yeah, okay, everything is going to be just fine. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...I couldn't really get into a car with a cougar anyway. It would probably instantly maul me and that'd just be one more shitty thing for my kids to go through. Shrug. Idk. Idfk.

I never really been here. Seriously. There was always a light. But now there's just this...

single book of matches gonna burn what's standing in the way

I've had Kings of Leon running in my head all weekend. Not Pyro tho, not sure which song to be honest. My brain for some reason is not capable of producing more than the tune inside my skull or more than the lyrics "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." The reason for choosing the Pyro lyric is my own and somewhat inexplicable at this point.

I'm taking everything back and starting over. Or something like that. Seriously. Didn't the use of song lyrics as a subject line give that away.

There's only one of me God help y'all and that one of me needs to be happy...even if it means not being very popular. I really meant what I said before about being happy when I only had one reader. Plus, there's been a whole chain of events that I've been paying attention to that lead me to believe that organic growth is much favorable to explosive growth.

So, over the next couple of months if my posts are sporadic, it's because I am building a cocoon because I have put off being a butterfly way too long!

Greetings from Monday...at least I think it's Monday!

Northern Exposure
http://www.markhenspeter.com/images/20050520170938_pict0031a.jpg

Does anyone else ever feel like they are in some sort of time warp or other sort of tear or wrinkle in the space/time continuum? It's Monday, May 14, 2012 and honestly I feel like I have lost a month or two somewhere!

I am seriously not complaining, a lot of details fall out of focus in times like this. Been offline more than on, and debating whether that is a sign I need a smartphone or if it's a sign of something else.

Despite all the seeming chaos, life has been quite peaceful lately. My husband's schedule has been regulating and he doesn't need to travel far, far away for sometime. School is winding down, so there's less to do there. Driving school is almost done too, just have to get her on roads and her test and that's done. Got a bit of a regular schedule going with the boy, too.

Despite my lack of post I have managed to cross something off my 2012 to do list...giveaways. I am currently running one and participating in two. May Daze Grab Bag is just something that I whipped up and it ends 5/31/12 and is open to US only. Chic Algene's Birthday Bash is open worldwide and ends 5/30/12. And finally, the Father's Day Mancave Giveaway is also open worldwide and ends 6/8/12. It's more work than I realized to organize and execute these giveaways but I am thankful for the opportunity that has presented itself to be a part of them.

I think that my looking at life like a centrifuge lately has helped me keep my sanity. Instead of getting upset at all I haven't gotten to, I've been looking at it more like all this shake up is separating out what I need to be concentrating on from what I've been wasting time on. Like, I am still active with Do You Bake and Clever Container but am seriously evaluating my place with both companies. Don't get me wrong, I love the products but do they fit long term with my life? I don't know the answer to that yet.  I did change the name of my old Clever blog, and I have a grand plan for that but it seems to be one of those things that has filtered out at the moment.

Anyway, enter some giveaways and have a great week! I know I plan to :)

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

I remember when top hats and aviator goggles were all the rage. Hell, I remember when 4 Non-Blondes were all the rage.I remember a lot, sometimes the downside of getting older.

I don't know what was the bigger appeal of this group, the lyrics, the name or the fact that it was some girls I could relate to. All of the above I guess...maybe. I remember listening to "What's Up" a lot with my friend, Julie. I remember it meaning a lot more when I was 25. "25 years of my life and still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination."  And now here I am, ten years past twenty five still pondering that meaning.

I do feel peculiar. Moreso than I care to admit most days. But yeah, it always amazes me how much I don't fit in sometimes. And that's with trying to!!

I guess, the impetus for all this is my recent evaluation that I have amounted to nothing. It's not melodrama. I try and try and try and do not yield the same fruits as others seem to yield doing the exact same or less then I am attempting.

 ...one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Maybe it's time to stop being a dinosaur.Granted, I never a got a paycheck from my last job. But maybe the point of life is that everyone is miserable all the time and no body really ever gets to do what they want. Least, that's how I am seeing it. 'Cuz I dunno, really, seriously, I've laid a lot of ground work to this magical forest I thought existed and where I am standing right now, seems like all I did is waste a lot bread laying my path.

I am not trying to be a downer. It's just where I am at right now, in this moment. I thought I was following a "calling" but more and more it seems like maybe I am just delusional.

Weathering the storm...

...as I write this I am wound full of ten kinds of anxiety. I have my first big vendor show tomorrow and as much as I keep telling myself it's out of my hands, I can't help but get keyed up. I guess, I should mention that it is Friday night and I am preposting so that I don't get off track like last weekend.


Today was tough. Nasty weather and my hubby driving in it to come home. He called me at one point because he was pulled off on account of hail and heavy wind. I made the dreadful mistake of turning on the tv after we hung. The area between here and where he was...big bright red splotch with tornado warnings. WARNINGS! I am not usually one to get shaken easily. But the hour and a half I waited for him to get home totally sucked!

Five or six more weeks of this. He had our daughter watch our son and we ran up to Town and Country and hit 2nd & Charles and Trader Joe's where he bought me a really pretty bouquet of flowers. We've been doing dinner once a week and talking and Skyping but it really isn't the same as having here 24/7.

I survived today. I can survive the next few weeks. I have watched enough Disney cartoons to know that my options are "Keep Moving Forward", "Keep on Swimming", "Hakuna Matata". Keep moving forward is my favorite. I like to imagine Tom Selleck telling me to keep moving forward. Hahahaha!

I hope that everyone is weathering their own storms with a style and a grace that's all their own!