|Blogger's rendition of the current state of the bridges in her life|
First, I have had a burning desire to pray for and request prayer for several people that keep smoldering in my mind. It's been a covert op as I already know that a number of people in my life would be inflamed that I would be so bold as to bring people who have hurt me to the throne of grace. I think in keeping it all as embers, it manifested into the most bizarre dream last night. It is what it is I suppose but it set a tone for my day.
Reading my email, there was one from the person in my life who is equivalent to the paperboy in "Better Off Dead" and like clockwork, this person asks for their two dollars and I sigh, verbally respond and move on. I have to be an adult because it's a bridge I can't burn (or won't burn, some days it goes both ways.) It got me to reflecting on the past several days, weeks, and months. It has me wondering if society has made me overly caution about setting fire to paths that no longer serve my good, just because one day, in some page of this choose your adventure, I might need the connection.
Most people come and go gracefully in and out of life.Ebb and flow or some shit like that. I can only speak for myself when I say the problem seems very much being me not going with that flow and trying to orchestrate things under the delusion that I am some sort of skilled puppetmaster. There may be some hoarding issues in my family tree and I think emotions and memories and other weirdness are part of that oddity.
What am I trying to say? I very clearly know how I feel about people, places and things right now. I have ignored the still small voice because of history or guilt or regret or plain foolishness. Sentimentality side-swipes sanity sometimes and then it's all down hill. So many visions, so many previous blueprints, so many previous maps, I don't know why I still have them hanging around. Fear maybe, or mostly, I don't know for sure.
The Information Society song "Burning Bridges" puts it best with the lyrics:
Yesterday I said goodbyeThose treasures do weigh you down. They clog up the shelf. They take up space. The limit your ability to allow new things into your life. That crazy dream I mentioned? The character list was me, the artist formerly known as my husband, 2 ex-boyfriends (and I use that term very loosely with one of them), 2 crushes and a dude that keeps popping up. That's five people clogging up space in my head. That's five seats I am saving, possibly shooing away the person who is actually supposed to sit next to me. I don't even realize I am doing it sometimes but thank God my sleeping brain processes things in such a way I take notice.
To all my old loves and some new ones
Hanging 'round my window whispering
There are things that can't be undone
Yesterday I threw away those treasures
That I kept for so long
Treasures only weigh you down
So I'm burning all the bridges of my memory
You can't hold onto everyone or everything forever. Life is not static. I could (and probably should) take this down a whole scriptural road but I don't want to lose anyone tonight. Some people are saving seats for ideas that no longer serve them and refuse to let new ideas sit down with them. I hate seeing people become caricatures of themselves because they keep insisting on towing a line that is wrapped to a noose around their neck. Trust me, I am by no means perfect in any regard but I am at least aware of my imperfections and open to the idea that may how I operate isn't the best course of action for me.
I am not holding seats anymore. If you want to show up to life with me, show up. On time. Appropriately attired. Ready for the show. I have front-row, ring-side, VIP seats to a show that has every element of an edge of your seat, award-winning production. There are people lining up for seats to this show, so why am I holding seats for people who are outside talking to scalpers, looking for a better deal? Shrug. I don't have a good answer for that but I do have a new question.
Anyone got a light?