If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Behold A New Thing:When All That Is In Me Is Dry

I find myself meditating on, thinking on Isaiah 43:19 a lot lately. It's a verse I seem to go to when I need to get myself over obstacles or somehow unstuck. From memory though, for some reason I almost always make streams in the wilderness and ways in the desert. But anyway:
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert. (NKJV)
It has been a go to verse, a reminder to myself that in the midst of all this wilderness and desert and whatever and whatnot this all is that God will make ways. I don't think that "Desert Song" is at all based on this scripture and it's irrelevant anyway. I chose this song to go with the post for a couple of different reasons. The first time I ever heard any version of this song was three years ago. It was a Wednesday. I had been served divorce papers earlier in the afternoon and I was at house church trying to keep my shit together. By the end of the second line, my head was buried in my friend's shoulder and I was sobbing in tones too deep for words. I am still waiting to be able to sing the last verse with as much gusto as the rest of the song.

No part of this post will have me queuing up a long list of complaints and confusions. I am learning to make peace with the process. One of the books that practically fell into my Kindle has been a huge blessing in that it has opened my eyes to the grace I need to give myself as all the pieces get back together. It is in that space where I am learning to let go that I keep finding myself reminding myself that my life going forward is going to be a new thing. Change doesn't happen without some sort of reaction.

I am not sure where to take this concept of a new thing. Certainly, tonight when I was at church to help pack lunches for tomorrow I could see the new thing there. For all the memories in that preschool hallway, I am glad it doesn't look as it did. Grateful for the amazing renovations of the Kids Zone and anxious to see how it all turns out. I am not so easily sold when it comes to myself. It seems like a dance I am doing and as of late feel as if I am in a strange forward moving holding pattern. Again, it's an observation, not a complaint. My only complaint right now is that the dumpster is so far away from my apartment.

Wilderness. Desert. Ways. Streams. Something has got to give, right?

What does the new thing look like? Is it going to be like a spin-off with some of the same characters that you have come to know and love? Or is it going to be a whole new franchise with a whole new marketing campaign? These things have been tugging at me the past couple of days. I believe part of it is fear. I am at some moments afraid to let go of certain things, people, whatever. But how can something new have all the same ol' stuff in it. How can I find the ways in the wilderness if the same naysaying backseat drivers are trudging along with me?

As for the streams in the desert, as of late, I have only seen mirages. I have to be getting close though. I can see the birds circling and I am sure they wouldn't be circling, if they didn't see some sort of signs of life or some sort of provision. I am sure they aren't vultures, ready to feast on my death. I am grateful that I haven't completely lost it to believe the mirages to be real. I am sure if I keep moving forward that I will find the stream, the way.

I am learning a lot right now and when I am ready I am certain that the question, what does the new thing look like, will be answered exceedingly and abundantly beyond my wildest imagination. I am looking forward to the day I can give my prayers in the harvest. Anxiously awaiting and anticipating the springing forth of whatever this new thing is, this healed life, this getting unstuck, this life worth living.

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