If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, August 29, 2016

Merely A Flesh Wound, I Am Alright

Yes, it's Monty Python reference. Possibly paraphrased or not exact, I don't really care but some people have nothing better to do than be pedantic. Merely a flesh wound, it's a humorous, easy way to defer conversation about things that have happened since October 2013.  Although, these days, I am more alright than hemorrhaging so that's something, right? I made this mix of songs that make me happy and remind me that I am better than the circumstances that rained down on me the other day. 

I am alright and getting better all the time. I still think "One Flesh Amputation" is a great name for a band but it doesn't describe the state of my heart and soul these days. I have days. I have some exceedingly awesome days. I have some excruciatingly hard days. I have some terribly icy numb days. I still deal with seething rage and abysmal brokenness. I still struggle to trust people, myself included. I still hurt but not nearly as much as I used to hurt. 

I am a mixtape maker from way back. I have made plenty of playlists during these choppy waters to divert my attention or exploit the depth of my emotions. I don't share everything I make publicly nor do I make all my creations on YouTube. It helps most days even if only because it forced my focus onto something other than the darkness. I haven't made very many self-indulgent, wallowing in darkness playlists which is a bit of a victory considering. I really enjoyed the way I worked the post and playlist thing the other day so I thought I would give it a whirl again. 

The playlist came first. Several days ago, actually. I had some downtime after a string of remarkably normal, uplifting days. I created the Burn List playlist and then this one. The Burn post and playlist were actually a bit cathartic and well-received according to the stats so it's win-win. I work through my stuff, you get entertained. You're welcome. Anyhow, when I created the flesh wound playlist, I didn't intend to wrap a post around it. The post has been born out of the past several days.
I can't seem to get my head out of certain spaces the past week or so. Or is it an undertow? At any rate, I have felt myself in ruminating on my love life for the past 25 years. (Yes, it spawned a playlist. No, you can't see it yet.) There is a growing faction of people in my life suggesting that I should start dating again. Sure, I have had one or two close people poking me that direction but I am talking people who are practically strangers. It's annoying. Partially it's my fault for giving the illusion that I haven't been entertaining the idea and yeah, I have kept a rather in-depth relationship as much off the radar as I possibly could. (I may be a jerk for that, not sure yet.) But it leads me to more confidently question why everyone seems to think that time and signing up for more torture is going to heal all wounds. 

Sigh. See. This space I am in now. I am good. Sure, every once in awhile I miss the benefits and perks of an intimate relationship but I have changed so much in the past ten years that those benefits don't tip the scale toward playing the field. It's an incredibly interesting insight I have gained having the first man I opened my heart to post-marriage be the last man I swore off prior to meeting my husband. I know it doesn't always show but I am such a better version of me these days. In some ways, I am sure it's annoying to others. But I know much more clearly who I am and what I want and what I can tolerate, and why shouldn't I? I am older and much definitely wiser. This play list, well, it's a bit of a love letter to myself, to remind me that I am every bit as fabulous as I remember myself to be.

I am alright...and getting better every day.

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