If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Swan Song:Final Post for Kindness in Giving

All good things must come to end, right? Don't get me wrong, I really, really, really, enjoy writing and this blog has been a nice outlet. It's not where I need to be though. It's lost focus, direction, that joie de vivre. It's much less than I ever wanted it to be but it has brought me more joy that I could have imagined when I started it. September seems to be my transition time because it occurred to me that it was ten years ago (almost to the day which is coincidental) that I closed up my Chisel Point for Deeper Penetration Blog. Lots of turning point for me have happened in September. I believe this is because my birthday is in October and I am one of those people who is prone to self-assessment, self-reflection, probably entirely too self-aware.

I have been rattling certain plans around in my head for far too long. I have been accepting what is much more than I should, like in a death to my soul kind of way. My good friend stopped by this morning and I posed a question to her. I asked, do you think it is my own obsessiveness and penchant for rumination that keeps bringing me back to the creativity thing and all that goes with it or does it all keep turning up because it is some integral part of my destiny. She answered, yes. I had told her last week of several things I wanted to do: a book, a better blog, all the creative stuff I used to do, a shop, action, adventure, swashbuckling.

There is a definite lack of swashbuckling in my life.

There is also a lack of focus. There are unmedicated manics with ADHD that have more focus than I do at the moment. The disintegration of the relationship with the artist formerly known as my husband has been a wave of chaos and survival mode. Retail life is not helping matters. My schedule has all the regularity of a long-term opioid user. Two nights ago, I hit that point where I totally felt as if my life has become unmanageable. I do not accept this as the way life has to be because how things are right now in this moment negates all the good I have done in my life thus far.

I am currently not aware of what my next move should be. I am tying off the knot that is this blog because me writing under this title, this apparent theme, is constricting and not allowing me to bloom. It's not an easy decision. It's not like I woke up this morning and decided it. I decided it weeks ago but I just haven't taken the steps to do it. It's the whole one door closes thing. I need to close this door, so that I can move on. I need to close doors with the artist formerly known as my husband. I need to close doors with my own perceptions of failure that stem from the last decade of my life. I need to close doors on all this negativity and freaking bullshit that I have allowed to diminish me.

Some doors fling shut pretty easily. Others, though, other I am going to need some help with because they a big and heavy and have been open longer than they should have. Closing all the easy doors helps me get my focus.

Be well, my friends! It's been fun.

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