God's not here, man.

Yes. It's true sometimes my inner voice sounds a lot like Tommy Chong. I suppose a fair amount of the time, life is like that sketch too. God pounding on the door,"Hey man, it's me God. I got the stuff. Let me in." And I foolishly answer "God's not here, man."

Anyway, I have on occasion made comments to that affect. I know I made it about the ten o'clock service at the church I have been going to. I just can't do it. God is not there. I've tried. I hate it. The same goes for just places in general that I can't or won't go to. Bad feeling. Uneasy. The creeps. Heebie Jeebies. Cold. Dead. It's all the same. The same intuitive twinge, the feeling that there is no good in a person, place or situation.

Yesterday, I read this and meant to do something on it then, but had no time carved out for writing.

Screen print of JoyceMeyer.org

It was something that I needed to read.I love that line,"I thought this was God, but it's not so I am not going to do it anymore." I love it because I had those same feelings about a brief and dipterous job that I had earlier in the year. It felt odd to not have any other words to describe my discomfort than God is not here.

I do try to apologize when my spidey senses leads me to do things that other people are put off or out by. It does not seem like that happens much. Of course, I think that is because I am pretty blessed to have a pretty honest and reliable inner sanctum of people who don't do drama.

I mentioned that I had intended to write yesterday. I think the bigger plan wanted to sit down tonight.

I actually have a very, very difficult times in situations that have a lot of negative energy around them. Not just mentally, but physically. There was one of those on the agenda this evening. I really didn't much about it over the past several days. I just put it out of my mind. Then, as afternoon progressed, I found myself getting antsy. My little monkey mind conjuring up some pretty Springer-esqe possibilities. Dread. Ugh.Trying to enjoy the baseball game with family and my little mind was working overtime to create anxiety.

I thought,"Man, God is definitely not there." 

Then, I thought, maybe I should invite him. It sounds corny but that's what I did. I stole a couple of minutes between dinner and this evening engagement and got centered and fortified and took a big breath before heading out the door. And after two hours, I am happy to report that I lived. No folding chairs thrown. No vortex of ickiness sucking me in. It wasn't all rainbows and kitties. I gots a lots of work to do on myself with this situation. And I am thankful that tonight I was able to create a bit of needed space to see things more clearly.

And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

I remember when top hats and aviator goggles were all the rage. Hell, I remember when 4 Non-Blondes were all the rage.I remember a lot, sometimes the downside of getting older.

I don't know what was the bigger appeal of this group, the lyrics, the name or the fact that it was some girls I could relate to. All of the above I guess...maybe. I remember listening to "What's Up" a lot with my friend, Julie. I remember it meaning a lot more when I was 25. "25 years of my life and still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination."  And now here I am, ten years past twenty five still pondering that meaning.

I do feel peculiar. Moreso than I care to admit most days. But yeah, it always amazes me how much I don't fit in sometimes. And that's with trying to!!

I guess, the impetus for all this is my recent evaluation that I have amounted to nothing. It's not melodrama. I try and try and try and do not yield the same fruits as others seem to yield doing the exact same or less then I am attempting.

 ...one day my dad said "Bobby you are 17, it's time to throw childish things aside" and I said "OK Pop", but he didn't really say that he said that "Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job".
Maybe it's time to stop being a dinosaur.Granted, I never a got a paycheck from my last job. But maybe the point of life is that everyone is miserable all the time and no body really ever gets to do what they want. Least, that's how I am seeing it. 'Cuz I dunno, really, seriously, I've laid a lot of ground work to this magical forest I thought existed and where I am standing right now, seems like all I did is waste a lot bread laying my path.

I am not trying to be a downer. It's just where I am at right now, in this moment. I thought I was following a "calling" but more and more it seems like maybe I am just delusional.

Lenten Mediations:Release Your Inner Splendor

I am a sucker for daily readers. I currently have five sitting next to bed that I try to peruse everyday. It may seem  a bit overkillish, but I like each one for a different reason. I make every attempt to read from them first thing in the morning when I get up, but sometimes don't hit them 'til later in the day. It's a usually not more than ten minutes I use to get my head in the game for the day.

Over the past couple of years, I have picked up a few short term booklets from Unity. This year is no different, I already have my copy of Lent 2012:Release Your Inner Splendor. I recommend the Unity publications for anyone. The format is easy. The language is simple. The result, of course, will vary. When I picked up my first one, I was far, far from a place where I could appreciate the full depth of the readings. I guess that's what I mean by anyone...looking for guidance...looking for maintenance...looking for a lift...not sure what you are looking for...yep all those folks.

What are my other readers?

• Day by Day with Saint Joseph Part Catholic on my dad's side, maybe that's why I can appreciate the daily verse, reflection and prayer offered in this book. My copy is a beautiful leather-bound 100th anniversary addition that my hubby received through his job. 
• A twelve-step meditation book. That's all I can say on that one ;) 
• Five Minutes A Day by Robert E Speer...copyright 1943. I found this in a box of free books at a church rummage sale. Every page has a topic. Every topic has verses, poetry, and prayer. The Brownings, Goethe, Tennyson, Rossetti, Eliot, Longfellow...I could go on and on. It reads like a who's who of College Lit book heroes and it begs a question...could it be that we really were much smarter then?
• Time-Out for the Spirit:Two Minute Quiet Times for Times That Aren't Picked this up from that same rummage sale box, and it's not really a daily-type reader. There hasn't been a day yet that I haven't been able to find a topic that is useful to me. 
• Simple Abundance:A Day Book of Comfort and Joy I picked this up a a garage sale several years ago. I've never really followed it completely or completed all the tasks offered by the days. 

So, that's what I read? How about you? 

"Are your ears awake? Listen. Listen to the Wind Words, the Spirit blowing through the churches. I'll give the sacred manna to every conqueror; I'll also give a clear, smooth stone inscribed with your new name, your secret new name." Revelation 2:17 (The Message)

Yesterday, I talked about the Burning Bowl. Today, it's all about the white stone ceremony. Again, it's a new year sort of thing, and I first took part in one at a Unity church. 

With this ceremony, everyone receives a small, flat stone. The participants then relax into a guided meditation and write their "new name" on the stone. It is a very simplistic explaining but I thought I'd leave the details to the experts. I happened to find this White Stone Ceremony from Unity Center of Peace in Chapel Hill, NC. It is an actual lesson from 2009 and says exactly what I would like to say, only more succinctly and effectively.

Take a minute today to listen, you just might be inspired by what you hear.

Burning Bowl Ceremony (or how to incorporate your pyromania into your spirituality)

Ok, yes, I am not gonna lie. I put "burning bowl" in the post title to have a couple of keywords to sway the High Times crowd this way.

The first time that I ever came across the burning bowl ceremony was last year at a Unity church. Although, honestly, it's very similar to a ritual I had in high school where I would burn love notes and slips of paper with things I wanted to change in a big vase that I had. A very simple concept of burning up what you wish to let go.
 
"The human spirit is the lamp of the Lord, searching every inmost part."  Proverbs 20:27

The Burning Bowl ceremony is very simple and very uplifting and really could be done on an individual basis. The one that I attended there was a short service and meditation and then some time to write out what was on our minds before taking those thoughts and burning them up.

There is something satisfying to me about doing that. Granted when I was sixteen my sermon and meditation was probably whatever was on Z93 or 97X when I was purging away my sadness. Nonetheless, I did it often. Change of boyfriend. Shift in friends. Loneliness. Confusion. I am surprised I didn't burn something every day...then again, maybe that is why I took up smoking.


 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10


Do you know what I know about lamps? They get darn dirty. I have many a memory of cleaning the lamps at Girl Scout camp. You don't have to clean them I suppose, but the soot build up dims the light output. Human soul is no different. Eventually the soot of pent up emotions dims our light, and we just don't shine as we should.

I am not saying that a Burning Bowl is the answer. If anything it's a beginning to clearing out and moving on. I bring it up because it is usually a New Year's Eve thing and as I didn't attend one this year it's on my mind.


"So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

There is a lot to be said about pomp and circumstance and prayer and giving our pitiful monkey brains something to help the process along. I say that those because I have a very metaphysical soul and I have always had a natural tendency toward and understand of strangely primal yet infinitely intelligent things like symbolically releasing our worries to ashes. If you were conducting a personal ceremony, the solitude, the intimacy, just you and God and the burdens you've held onto way too long, it would be powerful stuff and hopefully the profound result of that release would be that you would feel better and more inclined to continue on that path. In a group, I found the energy to be exhilarating...a large collective unspoken sigh of relief.

It a total out with the old and in with the new vibe.

So what are you waiting for? Let your dim light shine!

^"Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house." Matthew 5:15

Verses are from NKJV Bible...well, actually they are from the internet :-P