I Don't Care About Making Money, I Just Love Writing Blogs...

There was a Paula White post on Facebook tonight that prompted me to repost with my own commentary and commenting that I want to do something as much as Buddy loves selling carpet. 

I am or rather I have let myself get separated from my purpose. I have let circumstances and a whole mess of bad ideas, bad behavior and negative bullshit from others distract me from what is important. 

A friend once commented that she felt that if I could do nothing but draw and write and entertain people all day that I would be a happier person. It's true to some degree. Writing and drawing have always been strange pressure release valves for me. Once upon a time I was good at both, I don't know so much anymore but I do enjoy them both still. Actually, to be honest she said the she felt that writing and drawing were the same as breathing to me and that she was fairly certain I was suffocating from lack of output. That was a long time ago but still some truth there. 

I blog for me and the ten people who read it. I let one very negative critic hinder me. I let fear render me silent. I should have been sharing the story of my life as it has unfolded because well, I should have. I have in the past written about things very much from my heart and received some very grateful thank yous from ladies who thought they were alone in that particular thought pattern, that particular frustration, that particular despair. There is too much quiet desperation in the world.

There are things I need to say. 

For me.

For you.

Just because. 

Are you in? 

Circle yes or no.

Be well friends, the best is yet to come.

I am predicting a posting drought....

I am starting a job next week, so there is a 99.9% probability that my posting my drop off for a bit.

I know I said I wasn't going to do contract jobs anymore, but it isn't exactly like anyone else is picking me for their team. We've been running at a deficit for awhile. Well, kinda, I realized that when my husband told me this that he probably figured it on only his income and I have had some income coming in so we've probably been marginally okay the past couple months. Anyway, as much as it feels like every temp job is just a step away from ever getting hired on anywhere, I couldn't say 'no'.

Maybe my thrilling call center adventures will give me something to write about. I've spent so much time in customer service I am really amazed that I even like people anymore. Anonymity sure brings out the worst in people. Kinda makes you want to remind some of them that you have their address right in front of you and that you know people who will do things for a case of anything and gas money.

Maybe it's the distraction I need to get somethings in order. When I am working things have a way of falling away and falling into order. Well, okay, not always, but I think they will. There was a day back in October where I felt good about everything. I took a grocery trip with my son on a Sunday and just I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt like everything was looking up. Then, four days later my contract got cancelled.

Just wanted to put that out there because I know that there are some readers who don't actually know me in "real" life.

Super Slacker Update

Yeah, as of thirty seconds ago, I declared myself to be Super Slacker. I have fifteen minutes until I leave for work and I have been "wasting" it reading another blog: The Church of No People. The last couple of posts there really resonate with me right now. Timely in a personal way, I guess.

Super Slacker fits, even though admittedly, the slack is derived from this wacky schedule I have been working the past month or so. I usually have two hours in the morning to get things done. That's really not a lot of time. Then, on the back end, I come home, eat, spend sometime with the fam and find myself going to bed. Now, if I were on a 9to5 schedule, the time I go to bed on this schedule would equate to going to bed sometime between Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.  It's less than favorable. Nothing gets done and come to think of it I do miss me some Jeopardy!

Only a few more days and I am switching everything, company, schedule, and hopefully attitude. Despite all of my delusions of slack and lack, I have learned over the past several weeks a lot of things about myself that I don't even have time to post right now.

I have a bunch of work doodles for retooling the site a bit. I can only be me. I only really want to be me, and so I have to trim a few things. I am excited. I just need to bushwhack the safari that my house has become and a few other "housekeeping" sort of things before I get back to blogging.

Have a happy Tuesday!

Movement in Still Life: New Lease on Life

Wanna talk crazy Saturday action? This girl has been up since 4:15AM! It wasn't some weird insomnia thing either. I woke up. I felt rested. I said to myself I have a ton of paperwork to do, maybe I can do it now and then can actually spend time with the family today. I am pretty smart sometimes.

So, yeah, between 4:15 and about 7 I did pages and pages of paperwork that I needed to do for what I am currently deeming a super secret reason. And by secret, I just mean that I'm going to wait until after they run the background check to announce any changes to my current playbook ;)

I am learning to love the term "leased worker". I have had regular, permanent, full-time positions and I think I would still prefer that in some ways. But in that sort of status, no one hires you just on the basis of your resume. At least, that's never happened to me in all my working years.

Lol, so,yeah, I guess I can't even keep my own secrets, can I?

What weird, wonderful week this has shaped up to be!

After this particular recruiter contacted me, I had 8 others contact me about the very same position. I sloughed it off as side effect of the line of business the position is in and well, yes, on paper I do look awesome. Then the recruiter called to say they were starting to accept people on the basis of their resume only, was I still interested. Sure, why not. I never would have imagined that she would call me back in less than an hour to say that I had been accepted.

I say weird and wonderful week because the night before that happened. I actually cried myself to sleep. I am not ashamed to admit that. I had a very hard day at work. I have a very difficult co-worker to deal with and idk, there are some other issues at hand. I was upset. Really upset. I feel like an absolute loser sometimes because I don't really feel like I am particularly talented in any one area...I've never had a position that required the bachelor's degree that was supposed to take me so much further in life...I don't receive the same pats on the head...I could go on with this list forever. It was all coming up the other night. I hate feeling like my best is never enough. Anyway...

So, yeah, I don't have to worry about that anymore...well, okay, I'm going to go through the next two weeks. I'm not going to slack, it's not my style. I'll probably do some vindictive working, just make my absence that more meaningful. I know I am so weird, but hey it get's me by.

Anyway, in the midst of my printing and scanning and copying and pasting in the wee hours of the morning. Movement in Still Life popped in my head. Not the song, but the words. Too lazy to dig the CD out, I went to YouTube which is sometimes an auspicious mistake. I picked the following video, but it's not  the song Movement in Still Life but a song from the album Movement in Still Life "Never Gonna Come Back Down"   It's encapsulates a bit how I feel right now...like I am in the club, I got energy to spare and nothing is going to ruin my night.

They say perspective is everything. I think I had an extreme point of view makeover this week.

Dawn of a new day...or something like that...

Have to report to my first day of training in roughly an hour and a half. Not sure what to expect. I don't have butterflies, but then I also don't have an ounce of anticipatory excitement. Other than the company and the job title, it's a complete unknown. I ended up going through an agency to find a job. Well, actually, it's a little different than that exactly but who cares about details.

In some ways, nothing about this is ideal. The shift. The distance. The job title. So, here's to learning what I am supposed to learn on this leg of my journey as quickly as possible to so I can move on.

So, wish me luck, I guess. I'm sure my posting here will be sporadic until I can get into some sort of rhythm.

Probably shouldn't have switched to decaf :)

If money were no object, what would you do?

That question in some form or another seems have popped up in my life lately. Partly good friends trying to help me focus, partly because of all that half a billion dollar lottery madness a few weeks back. I hate that question. I feel like Peter in Office Space when people ask me that. I never had an answer that's why I am blogging from my kitchen.

Being the smarty butt that I am though, I am grateful for that movie because I am not afraid to answer that question with "I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man" I can't help it. It's funny and evasive. We, and by we, I mean my husband and I, used to watch that movie all the time it seems like. One of us would have a bad week and next thing you know it's Friday night and we're curled up together laughing at TPS reports and art imitating reality.

I guess when I really start to think about it, there are things other than nothing but they seem so I dunno. I don't have the background or knowledge to run a tourist attraction, specifically a working farm or campground. Actually, maybe both together. Some sort of retreat, yeah, I know crazy. Then there's what I can only really voice as be an oracle. Heck, I've already got the kitchen so I am half way there, right?


I am not really passionate about anything in particular. I think the last time I was super obsessive about something every inch of my wall was covered with Joey McIntyre and Donnie Wahlberg. I enjoy things but I don't really live or breathe anything. Some people think that's a problem. I am starting to see that it's listening to those people that's the problem.

Life's too short to be obsessive, you miss a lot when you obsess.

Like if suddenly, I had a million dollars...I'd pay off everything, sock some away for the kids' college, take a vacation or two, and see where life took me from there. I'd probably give quite a bit to a couple of places too. Oh, yeah, that's another thing that I would do if money were no object be some sort of venture capitalist/philanthropist. 

I don't know. Seems like if you look at things that sound cool to me I keep wanting to give it away which probably explains a lot about my ill spent youth too. Let's see, entertain, educate, inspire, advise, give away money. Wait a second! That sounds an awful lot like being a mom. So, maybe the real reason I have such a hard time with that question is that I am already doing it, so everything is superfluous.

The parable of the clearance underpants...

Okay, maybe it's just a story and not so big and important as a parable but at any rate here it goes.

Since my daughter started  driving, I find myself at Target a lot. She likes to drive to the one in Sugarcreek Twp because there are like a hundred million ways from our house to there that offer different driving experiences.

The other day whilst in said Target, we happened to stroll through the intimates  department annd I spotted something  but to go into detail would be a complete embarrassment to my sixteen year old. On that same clearance rack, I also spotted underwear.

I am apt to say that the last time I bought new undies, I was pregnant with my son because I forget (or is it block out) the cheapo pack of undies that I thought were a good deal. Seriously, like most of the cheapos were unwearable within two weeks because of bad construction. Too bad too, 'cuz they were cute as all get out.

So anyway, I ended up picking up this ten-pack of underwear from Target for...I almost feel like I need a drum roll...$4.81 because it was a "repackage" by virtue of a piece of scotch tape. I love a good find, especially if it's something useful and not one of the those "deals" that you find yourself questioning a week later because there is no functional use for it...even if it was only 99 cents.

Later that night, I was sharing the Target adventure with my hunny and when I reached the point where I could brag about my underwear purchase I grab them to show him. Really, ten pair for $4.81 is pretty good but then the words hit me and stunned me into that deer in headlights look.

Briefs.

How did I fail to notice that they were briefs? Granny panties? Seriously? I can not give you an accurate date as to when the last time I had worn briefs was. It may not seem like a big deal but I was seriously having some issues with the purchase at that point. That's a lot of coverage. Probably more coverage than I had seen since middle school. I should return them. Hmmm, but they were less than fifty cents a pair, so maybe I could learn to love them.

Two pair into the pack, I think it may have been a divine intervention. Full coverage means the waistband doesn't rub against my C-Section scar. And when I bend over in certain pants, no crack. Instead of falling just below an area that needs some work, they cover it. And what better, certain tanks that I have also cover for a clean, non-frumpy look.

I'm not saying I want to start a granny panty revolution, but I gotta admit I feel better in these britches than I have in years. Maybe it's because I am not too big for them, ha!

And being as I am married it has nothing to do with my husband's reaction, because I know that I could show up in some old school bloomers and floor-length skirt and God love him he'd still want to get it on with me.

I am grateful I found good cheap underwear. I keep thinking of a friend who is always telling me that you get what you need just when you need it. I needed a change, who knew it was in my underwear. Wait! That sounds a bit wrong, but you get the picture. Just because the situation isn't what you want or what you are used to doesn't mean it's wrong. It could be exactly what you have been looking for if you give it a chance.

single book of matches gonna burn what's standing in the way

I've had Kings of Leon running in my head all weekend. Not Pyro tho, not sure which song to be honest. My brain for some reason is not capable of producing more than the tune inside my skull or more than the lyrics "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." The reason for choosing the Pyro lyric is my own and somewhat inexplicable at this point.

I'm taking everything back and starting over. Or something like that. Seriously. Didn't the use of song lyrics as a subject line give that away.

There's only one of me God help y'all and that one of me needs to be happy...even if it means not being very popular. I really meant what I said before about being happy when I only had one reader. Plus, there's been a whole chain of events that I've been paying attention to that lead me to believe that organic growth is much favorable to explosive growth.

So, over the next couple of months if my posts are sporadic, it's because I am building a cocoon because I have put off being a butterfly way too long!

You Tube, Google, Facebook, oh my! (Or how I let the life get sucked from my day.)

It has come to my attention that I have entered the time suck zone of my computer activities. Ok, so it has been in my sphere of attention for awhile but recently, it has mushroomed into a big issue.

It's not so much gaming. I don't really do any of that from my computer anymore. No, I prefer to lay in the comfort of my bed and play mah jong and poker on the Roku. I tried to keep up with some of those Facebook games, but there really does reach a point where they become unmanageable without me getting a smartphone and playing every waking second of the day.

My biggest issue with Facebook these days is that everyone seems to have forgotten how email works combined with everyone wanting to conduct business in groups. I am in a number of groups that are more business than pleasure, but inherently the problem is even with my super fast reading ability it still takes forever to glean information. So much bs clogging everything these days, IMO. It doesn't matter what group it is there seems like there is always someone spamming the board with their nail wraps and diet miracles. And sadly, they won't quit doing because it's working. I only wish I had that kind of time. The kind of time to put out links in such a sheer volume that the numbers would have to work in my favor.

Do I succumb to the obnoxious stream of media campaigning and get on board with a smart phone or some other web-enabled technology? Or do I go the other way and just say to hell with it all and go "off grid" so to speak? Is being plugged in just an illusion of progress? I wish I could answer that but I have a whiny boy curled up next to the laptop who needs clothes stat!

...But by the grace of God...

Okay, I was thinking there was a Pogues song I could throw in here but that is "If I Should Fall From The Grace of God."  No biggie, but I used to be a ravenous Pogues fan and a little gratuitous  Pogues action would have been nice.

So, I did our taxes tonight. I don't hate the act of doing taxes, but then I have a degree in Financial Services so I may be cheating. Big long sigh and long story short, that is the only explanation for how this family got through 2011. I am not going to go into great detail but there is nothing like a 1040 to force you into reality.

I gave up the family financials sometime ago. My husband IMO was the loose cannon and I felt safe handing it all over to him to deal with. On some level, it certainly helped our relationship because instead of me meeting a Rancho request with a detailed accounting of the in and out of the checking accounting, I can just say yea because I trust fully my husband's handling of the finances.

That being said...taxes aren't his forte, and having now completed our taxes, I'd like to buy him a steak dinner. I knew things had changed but he did a hell of a job sheltering me and the kids from the full extent of that. Seriously, if he wasn't sleeping I would tell him how thankful I am for him and his crazy ways.

I am thankful. I am grateful, I am humbled.

Here's to a better 2012 (return)!

Sick of all these manic Mondays

I said a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to let Monday get to me, and it hasn't...yet. I am just sitting here wondering why it is 1:27pm and despite all I have accomplished since I woke up why didn't my house magically clean itself.

All kidding aside, I would rather have a lot of motion than no motion at all. I just sometimes get really anxious for no good reason at all. Chalk it up to all the energy coursing through me I guess. I had a bit of that this morning. Well, there were reasons, and once I stopped trying to ignore them it all dissipated. I still have it now but it's more productive as it's rooted in my wanting to get the house back together by 5.

Change isn't painful, it's the resistance that hurts. I don't know where that is exactly from but it has come up in conversation quite a few times over the past month in this house. So where you started reading thinking Bangles, I'm going to leave you with Queens of the Stone Age...Go With The Flow. I like this song. It is in and out of my head a lot lately. Do I need another reason?

Playing catch up or is it ketchup

Funny how sometimes the best laid plans do go awry. Definitely feeling that this week as I missed two day of posting and am now sitting with my husband in a McDonald's trying to do some "work".

I was getting a little keyed up about getting off the schedule that I was doing so well on, but then I figure it's only two days and it is early in the year so I can just throw in two bonus post over the weekend and stay on task. Besides, if I had stayed on tasks I wouldn't be enjoying this rainy Saturday sitting in the loudest place on Earth with my hubby.

Getting caught up with fries and ketchup and a very occupied little boy. Couldn't get the girl to come along but she's probably thrilled to have the house to herself, so it's a win all around.

Too tired to post about it now

Hello friends, I hope this Monday finds you well! I started my first day of my first full week at my new job this morning and I am tuckered out! Not a complaint, I am grateful to have found a spot somewhere working exactly the hours I have been looking for 6a-11a. Just going to take a day or two of adjustment to the old sleep schedule. 

I am sure I'll have plenty of tales to tell about life in the Tardis of gas station stores.

I'll be back with something more interesting tomorrow.

J

Burning Bowl Ceremony (or how to incorporate your pyromania into your spirituality)

Ok, yes, I am not gonna lie. I put "burning bowl" in the post title to have a couple of keywords to sway the High Times crowd this way.

The first time that I ever came across the burning bowl ceremony was last year at a Unity church. Although, honestly, it's very similar to a ritual I had in high school where I would burn love notes and slips of paper with things I wanted to change in a big vase that I had. A very simple concept of burning up what you wish to let go.
 
"The human spirit is the lamp of the Lord, searching every inmost part."  Proverbs 20:27

The Burning Bowl ceremony is very simple and very uplifting and really could be done on an individual basis. The one that I attended there was a short service and meditation and then some time to write out what was on our minds before taking those thoughts and burning them up.

There is something satisfying to me about doing that. Granted when I was sixteen my sermon and meditation was probably whatever was on Z93 or 97X when I was purging away my sadness. Nonetheless, I did it often. Change of boyfriend. Shift in friends. Loneliness. Confusion. I am surprised I didn't burn something every day...then again, maybe that is why I took up smoking.


 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me." Psalms 51:10


Do you know what I know about lamps? They get darn dirty. I have many a memory of cleaning the lamps at Girl Scout camp. You don't have to clean them I suppose, but the soot build up dims the light output. Human soul is no different. Eventually the soot of pent up emotions dims our light, and we just don't shine as we should.

I am not saying that a Burning Bowl is the answer. If anything it's a beginning to clearing out and moving on. I bring it up because it is usually a New Year's Eve thing and as I didn't attend one this year it's on my mind.


"So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

There is a lot to be said about pomp and circumstance and prayer and giving our pitiful monkey brains something to help the process along. I say that those because I have a very metaphysical soul and I have always had a natural tendency toward and understand of strangely primal yet infinitely intelligent things like symbolically releasing our worries to ashes. If you were conducting a personal ceremony, the solitude, the intimacy, just you and God and the burdens you've held onto way too long, it would be powerful stuff and hopefully the profound result of that release would be that you would feel better and more inclined to continue on that path. In a group, I found the energy to be exhilarating...a large collective unspoken sigh of relief.

It a total out with the old and in with the new vibe.

So what are you waiting for? Let your dim light shine!

^"Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house." Matthew 5:15

Verses are from NKJV Bible...well, actually they are from the internet :-P

TGIF

Thank God it's Freezing!

What were you expecting?

Right now, I am not really thankful for the cold. As a matter of fact, when it first really hit us earlier in the week I thought to myself,"Yep, it's time to move!"

Everyone always says that...expect the unexpected. Flashy marketing, because if it is expected then it never really can be unexpected. I get what they are saying but yeah, it kinda gets a whatever from me. If I were truly able to expect the unexpected then those car repairs last month wouldn't have been such a painful surprise.

Better to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. I hate the cold, but at least we don't have to mow the grass for awhile. Those car repairs were a pain, but now we don't have to keep running our cheat every time the car decides to lock up. I maybe not be able to sleep right now, but hey at least I can entertain you.


It's not an easy place to get to though. Well, at least it hasn't been for me. Silver and gray are so close that some days it is nearly impossible to distinguish what color the lining of that cloud really is!

I started to try to reprogram myself awhile back. I kept a little gratitude journal. It was very simple. Before I went to bed, I would just jot down five things from the day I was grateful for. If I was having a bad day or just didn't feel particularly blessed, I had five standard answers: food, water, air, my house, my health. Usually by the time, I wrote that down I eased up a little and would add some more "genuine" gratitudes.

I actually do no keep a formal journal these days but rather express my appreciation throughout the day. Sometimes aloud, but often silently. It does feel a little silly at first. Well, it did to me, I felt self-conscious. Odd really since it wasn't really even something I was sharing with anyone. I realized the other night that I have been being pulled to the dark side of the force.

So yes, thank god it is freezing. Thank god I was sick for two days and slept away most of that time. Thank god these chairs are so uncomfortable or I would sit here all night. Thank god for those of you who take the time to read this. And yes, finally, thank god it's Friday!


(See also http://tisbetter2give.blogspot.com/2010/10/do-mathcount-blessings.html)