If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, August 6, 2012

You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car. - Reese Bobby

I have been thinking about this movie scene mostly because I have been drowning in this subject.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.

I don't really know how I am still up at 1:18am considering that I did not get good rest last night. Restless. Unpleasant dreams. Just drained.

The course of the last several days has really put me on edge. Now, for the record, I am not saying that no one is on the same edge. I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for me...and it's not an uptempo song right now.

I am usually pretty fearless. Oh, I have my my moments. Everyone does. But this right now, I can't shake it. The only reason these fears are starting to draw shadows on me is because my defenses are completely wore down. I am a dead battery.
It's kinda starting to look like game over and I am so tired of this game I am not even in the mood to try to find the time extender or extra life. 

I have completely lost all confidence. I am not joking. I will seriously punch the next person who says some bs like fall down seven times get up eight or you only fail when you stop trying or that things get better. I needed them better yesterday. I can not endure another setback. And lest you want to write me off as a whiner, I don't believe that my family and I have had a moments peace in four years. Starting with the week my son was born to now...I am not sure that I remember what happy...truly at ease, content, happy really feels like.

It's always something. It always is. I get that. Nothing is smooth. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't expect life to be as cheerfully surreal as an Old Navy commercial. I would expect a modicum of effort to produce some sort of positive result. I don't know maybe I expect too  much. There is a fine line between dreamer and fool, perhaps I have been kidding myself about which side of the line that I am on.

If I could learn to drive with the cougar, mebbee just mebbee, I could sleep. I mean like really sleep. Rock hard, solid, restful and rejuvenating sleep like I haven't experienced since...probably since about June or July of 2008. Hmm...you know, on that line...I think I have a great big huge colossal enormous resentment against God, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it. I resent having been put in a position where I truly felt good and optimistic and hopeful. That first year of marriage, being pregnant with my son, and my husband, daughter and I really coming together as a family.

Smfh. It's entirely too late tonight early this morning to rehash that. I mean, even the people who might be reading this and think they know what I am talking about (except for R) you don't. I mean you might know some of the pains but you don't know them all or the depths of them.

I dunno, the whole driving with the cougar thing is along the same lines as walking by faith which I don't think I am capable of doing. I mean, I thought I was going with the flow and letting go but then something happens. Not something good. Never. Ever. I don't remember the last time something happened that just made me think  yeah, okay, everything is going to be just fine. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...I couldn't really get into a car with a cougar anyway. It would probably instantly maul me and that'd just be one more shitty thing for my kids to go through. Shrug. Idk. Idfk.

I never really been here. Seriously. There was always a light. But now there's just this...

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