You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car. - Reese Bobby

I have been thinking about this movie scene mostly because I have been drowning in this subject.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.

I don't really know how I am still up at 1:18am considering that I did not get good rest last night. Restless. Unpleasant dreams. Just drained.

The course of the last several days has really put me on edge. Now, for the record, I am not saying that no one is on the same edge. I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for me...and it's not an uptempo song right now.

I am usually pretty fearless. Oh, I have my my moments. Everyone does. But this right now, I can't shake it. The only reason these fears are starting to draw shadows on me is because my defenses are completely wore down. I am a dead battery.
It's kinda starting to look like game over and I am so tired of this game I am not even in the mood to try to find the time extender or extra life. 

I have completely lost all confidence. I am not joking. I will seriously punch the next person who says some bs like fall down seven times get up eight or you only fail when you stop trying or that things get better. I needed them better yesterday. I can not endure another setback. And lest you want to write me off as a whiner, I don't believe that my family and I have had a moments peace in four years. Starting with the week my son was born to now...I am not sure that I remember what happy...truly at ease, content, happy really feels like.

It's always something. It always is. I get that. Nothing is smooth. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't expect life to be as cheerfully surreal as an Old Navy commercial. I would expect a modicum of effort to produce some sort of positive result. I don't know maybe I expect too  much. There is a fine line between dreamer and fool, perhaps I have been kidding myself about which side of the line that I am on.


If I could learn to drive with the cougar, mebbee just mebbee, I could sleep. I mean like really sleep. Rock hard, solid, restful and rejuvenating sleep like I haven't experienced since...probably since about June or July of 2008. Hmm...you know, on that line...I think I have a great big huge colossal enormous resentment against God, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it. I resent having been put in a position where I truly felt good and optimistic and hopeful. That first year of marriage, being pregnant with my son, and my husband, daughter and I really coming together as a family.

Smfh. It's entirely too late tonight early this morning to rehash that. I mean, even the people who might be reading this and think they know what I am talking about (except for R) you don't. I mean you might know some of the pains but you don't know them all or the depths of them.

I dunno, the whole driving with the cougar thing is along the same lines as walking by faith which I don't think I am capable of doing. I mean, I thought I was going with the flow and letting go but then something happens. Not something good. Never. Ever. I don't remember the last time something happened that just made me think  yeah, okay, everything is going to be just fine. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...I couldn't really get into a car with a cougar anyway. It would probably instantly maul me and that'd just be one more shitty thing for my kids to go through. Shrug. Idk. Idfk.

I never really been here. Seriously. There was always a light. But now there's just this...

I give up

I was working at post and inadvertently hit something that caused the screen to change and apparently lost the entire post. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The other post was titled "He told me to pray about it" and it was a well written account of part of what the hell is wrong with me (I guess).

So, it's true. I can't rub two sticks together to get fire anymore than I can do anything else in life with some degree of success. Seriously... I am sitting here I do the research, I follow the "plan", I do the same things as other people who are trying the same things. Sooo, am I just a complete and total Fn 'tard or are they lying about their results?

The only appropriate song here is this one:

So that's it for today I guess. Hardly kind, hardly loving, hardly giving but idk, I'm just not feeling it. I've hit a wall I guess and I just wonder what the point of all this trying is...I just want to do something that matters.

Battle torn and war weary Wednesday...

So to start with a disclaimer, this post will probably not be kind, loving or very giving at all.Grr, growl, whatever other guttural sounds my brain can manage send to my mouth.Or maybe that's just the sound I make when it's full of Doritos. (PS, Jordan, sorry I just polished off the Doritos.)

I have felt off all day or awful today depending on how good your hearing is. Like break down and cry kind of off. Nothing particular comes to mind that might have triggered a day like this. Honestly, the things that did really get me were seemingly minor which leads me to believe that dealing with the stress and mess of the last couple months has really taken a toll on my ability to keep my stuff together.

What's further distressing to me about the way I feel right now is that I have really been working at staying positive and being a sane and rational adult. Is today my Flanders moment?  Granted, I didn't go off on anyone or anything. It wasn't like that but it could have been. All these big issues have taken all my energy. Idk, maybe it's job search anxiety, too. I am a horrible interview most of the time. I've never been successful at anything. I am not really even good at anything either. I suppose a lot of that is wearing on me lately too. I can't tell you about a time when some inane bullshit happened because quite frankly all of my jobs have been the same damn job with different titles and different drama, nor can I tell you how I handled it because I don't take my job home with me and my brain can barely retain the information that is required to by law and by motherhood, let alone the hold onto the memory of a time when some jackass was mean to me because he didn't get his way.

I am not unhappy, but I am not content. I had actually sat down to do this at the height of one of those teary-eyed moments earlier but thankfully got sidetracked by trying to find an appropriate one for this post. I found a couple but nothing will upload properly. Too bad. They're actually kind of funny.

So what was the point of this? Idk. I don't feel better. I don't feel like digging in to the depth of me to pinpoint the root of the problem. Really, I think it's just me. If it's any indication, I spent way to much time looking at Socially Awkward Penguin memes today.

That swan thing is a totally myth. Sometimes you just grow up into a sadder, geekier, more awkward version of your child self.

If you give away the links for free, they won't wanna read the blog

So, um, yes, I might be in a slightly less than positive mood today. Mostly great weekend, no big deal, couple of things in their but nothing that would triggered this. No, woke up Monday morning just feeling slightly off and just never got up from that point.

Monday, also not a horrible day...except for my husband leaving all the clean laundry strewn across the bed and doing my business accounting. Nothing can break your illusions about yourself quicker than accounting...and teenagers.

I have worked very hard over the past year on all these little projects, and nothing has come to any point that reflects the amount of time and energy expended on these projects. Okay, I'll say it money, none of these projects have returned the amount of money that reflects the effort. I was sitting flipping through blogs that are pretty wildly popular and they are crap. There's no substance, it's all giveaway and nonsense.

So, yeah, I am a little disgruntled at the moment. Having a tad bit of existential blues which seemingly I am the only person in the entire world who ever feels like this, because if there were more people would actually be reading this.

And to compound matters, I had this whole fantastic idea come to me last week that is just...well, fantastic. It's not even worth going into. I am entertaining the idea that I was a fool to think and believe if I followed what was written on my heart that it might actually make me happy. It's never been some half-baked, overblown delusion of disproportionate payout. I just wanted to be successful at something for once in my life.

It's never in the cards for me though, is it?