If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line, Engines pumping and thumping in time.

Going the Distance by Cake is in my head for some reason right now. Oh yeah, it's because I am wondering how things are all going pan out. Nothing about life is truly linear, I realize that, but I do sometimes wonder if I am spinning my wheels or if maybe point J is going to be crossed before point B or something like that.

I have spent the better part of the last two hours writing for Enpde. It's not really a non-paying gig since he makes the money to buy the food. When I sit down to write for him or myself or anyone else for that matter, it is that step out in faith that it's not all in vain. It's hard to ghostwrite. It's hard to have been given carte blanche. That's a lot of pressure really. I can do anything I want in the name of enpde. You have no idea how terrifying that is.

I had been thinking about some sort of Flag Day post for myself but it seems so irrelevant. I have a hard time writing for myself. I have noticed that I wax and wane between focused and unfocused.


Earlier tonight, I had a friendly "while your qualifications were good" email. I am so tired of those. It is completely unnecessary and a bit hard to believe. It was an administrative support position. To say my qualifications were good...well, that's like saying Marlon Brando is an okay actor. Not braggin' just sayin'. It 'twas part time and would have been interesting. Haters. Talk to the hand.

So, either I am completely delusional about my work skills and abilities or the universe is...no has been consistently telling me something for the past three years. Ugh, but it's not like explicitly telling me exactly what my calling is...only whispering that a cooped up office is no place for a pretty girl like me and teasing me with opportunities.

Darn those opportunities! Right now, it's just this blog and my work with Enpde. Oh and a hundred million other direct sales offers. Shrug. I dunno. I don't think I have a good personality for any sort of sales. Actually, when I was in college, there was a marketing class that was mandatory, I forget what it was called, but we had to do fundraising as a way to learn sales and cold calling and what not. Half way through the quarter, my partner declared that if I had to work sales I would starve if I wasn't selling something I could 110% get behind. It's true, really, we were fundraising for a children's charity and I just couldn't do it. I know cold-hearted, right? Not really, just not in a good place at the time to care about dying kids when I had a perfectly healthy one who I was struggling to provide for.

I know so many smart people who seem to be struggling. This isn't anything like the brochure. Hard work used to equal reward, now I don't know. I tried for awhile to be a mom to myself and chant "hardwork is it's own reward" but as I mentioned, I'm not very good in sales so I wasn't buying it.

I honestly need like bright neon signs and a burning bush to point me in the right direction. I feel drifty and I do really stupid shit when I feel drifty. 

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