I felt ever so much more together at 14 than I do now at 40. I had it all together then. Okay, maybe not really but it seems recently that I am far more awkward and unsure now than I was then. I am in a bit of tailspin and I don't know how to correct course.
It's making me a bit difficult to deal with, I suppose. I have this whole midlife crisis, crisis of faith, shadow of fear, flood of disappointment, angst-ridden, I don't know what going on with me right now. I hear it gets better but I am honestly not sure. Not sure about that...or anything else for that matter.
A good friend of mine said that all this is just part of the healing process. She said that she thinks because I was so accepting of it all in the beginning and that because I vowed that I was going to stay positive that maybe I didn't fully process my anger and disappointment and it has now just all bubbled up to the surface because nothing is how I thought it would be at this point. I suppose there is something to all of that.
And that being said, it gives me an opportunity to explain my crisis of faith and why am I am where I am with all of that. A lot lately I am hearing that I need to lean in, pray, trust and what ruffles me there is that I want to scream at these people "WTF do you think I have been doing?!" Then, we get into the whole "God's timing" conversation and a landslide of Bible verses to reinforce how wrong I am about things. And next thing you I have alienated friends and family because quite frankly the trip is turning out to be nothing like the brochure. NOTHING. I have been in such a dark place that I actually started reading the Book of Discipline the other night to see if there is a point where my very vocal disappointment and despair would be cause to revoke my membership. Turns out it all kind of falls under the category of me working out my own salvation with my own fear and trembling which is probably good for me in the long run but right now it's a little bit of a disappointment because being kicked out of church would totally fit in with the rest of the shitstorm around me.
Don't get me wrong. Life is not bad. I have a lot going for me but it doesn't feel like this is where I am supposed to be and it certainly isn't where I used to be. That's hard some days but on the other side of the token I can totally see where I needed to see what I am seeing and experiencing. One day I am going to write about post about my shower and how hard water makes it look like I don't wash my hair. I am also going to write about how keenly aware I have become washing laundry as a luxury item. It's the discontent of disconnect that has me so completely off-kilter.
Life is not at all bad. I am doing well in a lot of ways. My kids are great. My friends and family, wonderful as ever. It's that verse I was gonna write. I think it haunts me. Writing has always been my outlet, my talent, my thing. Before all of this shook loose with my marriage and whatnot, I had been seriously outlining and business planning, trying to get myself on track to do more. I haven't yet. My life falling apart has been a bit of a distraction. I can't even focus my energies to write grocery list some days lately. The disconnect is within me. I have always put off what fed my soul in the name of pragmatism and practicality. I am truly my own worst enemy.
Past couple days, I have started to see how this whole midlife crisis, crisis of faith, shadow of fear, flood of
disappointment, angst-ridden, I don't know what going on with me right
now insanity has reconnected me with myself. I have been slowly admitting to myself and a few select others my truths and my misperceptions of others. Making friends with my powerlessness and buddying up with all my flaws. I am seeing now how different life would be had I got my way at each and every turn. No joke I have lived, laughed and love more in the three months since I moved than I had in the time since my husband left. I have also kicked, screamed and cussed but that's to be expected. This is not an easy time and mine is complicated by the egos and delusions of people I have no influence on. It is what it is and I really mean that this time.
While kicking and screaming and brooding and crying, the living, laughing and loving didn't stop. I have been an absolute black hole of delight and I have been surrounded by absolute angels of grace and mercy. I still have some kinks to work out and some chapters that need closed. I have become more fully aware of the parts of me that need healing and let go of my idea of how this is all gonna play out. After all, it is God's plan, and as point of clarification, I have never once during this recent storm said I didn't believe. So yeah, God's plan, not Jenny's plan and I'd be an absolute liar if I didn't admit just a tad that I am seeing evidence of the way He works things for the good. There's an entire novel to be written there.And still those verses, of course.
I haven't yet.
There's still a change I might.
I'll start today because someday has a funny way of slipping past and withering into regret.
And life's too short and too precious to squander it on speculation.