If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Super Perfundo on the Early Eve of My Divorce

I have court tomorrow.

I don't know why the man who screamed at me to just fucking sign the papers and move on pushed the process this far. To be fair, there never were any papers. He screamed and fussed and kicked and moaned for like six months about this but would never produce the papers. Then, one day, his mistress paid for him to file for divorce. She's a real unmensch, I hope you never have the misfortune to meet her. I did once it was the worst 30 seconds of my life but I digress.

It's been nearly three years since all of this started. Once it started so to speak, it just got worse. Hindsight is 20/20 and not worth digging up tonight but still all of this happened it's all a piece of my life I have had to deal with. I have learned a lot. About myself. About him. About what loyalty really looks like. About hope. About healing. About bass. Seriously. Music is my Prozac.

For what it's worth, I am still very much dealing with the struggle and guilt that is seeing and fully recognizing that mistakes were made and the full gravity of the situation that was our relationship. I would be lying if I said I didn't occasionally have a fanciful unicorn thought of some miraculous restoration. There are a lot of years and tears and hopes and cheers tied up in this one person. From my point of view, we were a like minded, passionately attracted, perfectly complimentary power couple of sorts. But it wasn't true. He had all the power and anything he gave me was an illusion conjured to serve his own self-centered destruction. (It's take me a longtime to admit that without crying.)

He is a textbook something. I won't say what lest his minion of ridiculously delusional mistress should be creeping here as she does. (Or maybe it's him. No matter.) He is a textbook something and it took me longer than most to see it because I was still useful to him so he wasn't showing his true face. I spent a long time and a lot of energy thinking I had finally found my "perfect" relationship (no such thing I know that but I don't know what other word to use). What I had found was a dirty, little, shape-shifting narcissist who honest to God would throw his own parents, his family, his wife, his children under the bus to serve his own needs. In hindsight, I can see how he became whoever to suit whatever, how the man I loved was merely an illusion and subject to change when something more codependent and gullible came along.

But whatever.

For the love of God, please no one hold their breath in anticipation about announcement about the final outcome of tomorrow's court date. I do not know CPR and I am have an intuitive sense that folie a deux that is my husband and his mistress plans a full three-ring circus complete with an outdoor carnival. Come one, come all, free pony rides for the kids, this decade only. It may seem glib but um, we aren't the A-list celebrities. There's no beach house. No offshore account to fight over. No squabbling over a multitude of shares of well performing stock. The only issues are custody and support and as expected, he pulled the unfit mother card.

In case you aren't exactly aware of what that it is, it is a card low-life degenerates pull when they have no legitimate argument available against their looming support payments. I have jumped, jumped so much when he has asked me to I seriously considered changing my name to Kriss Kross. I have rolled with every punch and misfire that he has aimed my direction. Then one day, he ran out of delay tactics and the court put formal orders in place. BOOM. We went from having a rough agreement in place to him pushing the divorce to trial. Getting formal orders pushed things from me and our son from being at his mercy in regards to the informal agreement where he wouldn't pay the utilities and admitted to purposely withholding the cash portion because he didn't "owe me shit" or I was a "loser who was just using him". McFly, McFly, none of that was about me and what you were paying is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less than what you should have been, but I am sure you have noticed that. Bet you kinda wish you had played nicer now, huh? But no, you chose to fight the double-digit percentage of your income that now deposits to my account but deciding after walking out, walking away. giving up, etcetra that you want custody because I am not fit to parent.

Not my first rodeo, this is exactly what my daughter's father said in court nearly 20 years ago. He threw out a million and two reasons that he shouldn't pay child support because I apparently made Joan Crawford look like Mary Poppins. He lost. He never paid much of any thing but he lost nonetheless.

It's not about the Benjamins. It's not at all, in any way, shape, or form about the Benjamins. It's so insulting that dudes have this mindset. Anyway. So, tomorrow, once again I get to face the gauntlet of lies that is discrediting the mother so one does not have to pay support. Not even worried. Not at all. Nothing in their arsenal even pertains to my parenting so yeah whatever. I have two wonderful kids who love me. They may not always agree with me or understand me and God knows I am not always the perfect parent but somewhere in all of that they know that I love them and that I do my best to help them to grow into the adults that they are destined to be.

It is what it is and it's all that it will ever be. I hold onto the good. I release all the bad. I give up trying to rationalize with the irrational. For all the darkness that my soul has seen in all this, I have at least recovered, and I can be thankful that my dark was never the abysmal sort of self-hatred that manifest the way it does in men who cheat and the women who think what they have with them is love. So my friends, super perfundo on the eve of my divorce, here's to getting on with life and enjoying the good and the bad with people who genuinely love me...and my kids.

I have court tomorrow. It's all good because I know it's all in God's hands and He didn't bring me this far to not show up and show out. The best is truly yet to come.

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