I know I keep saying this but this time is one step closer to success. I am going to change my blog. I have to do it.
Ugh. But change is so hard.
It's funny though, when everything that is happening is somehow exactly what we want or uncomplicated or easy or positive, we sing praises to change. Dance on tables and pop open champagne and embrace change. If it requires work, it scares us. We piss and moan and resist. Or at least I do. And in my defense, the last three years have been horrendously hard and mind blowing and a seeming torrential shitstorm.
But the sun does peek through those clouds. I may be don't share the good as much as I should. I have two terrific kids, a fantastic circle of friends and family. For all the unpleasantness of the past three years, I have grown. Maybe it doesn't always show, but I have and I know it and in some regards I can see how all of it fits together. Other times though, everything seems like a huge, hazy, jumbled, disambiguation of a mishmash of a tangle. Neither is 100% true.
I am not content with who I am right now because I know that I have so much more potential than I exude. The problem at the moment is that I don't know how to break free from the fear and doubt that keep me in chains. I know that I am playing small. So much fear. So much doubt.
One of the things that I am most grateful about that stemmed from the disintegration of my marriage is the opportunity to reconnect and make amends with old friends and the influx of wonderful new people in my life. I could write a weeks worth of material about that and why it happened but not this week. I am a work in progress and I have certainly been shown grace. And right now friends, I am sitting in a strange place of a bestie calling me on my bs and me actually taking it to heart.
Such a strange space I am in.
If I could just get over myself, I am sure that everything would be okay. Life happens outside your comfort zone. At least, that's what people keep telling me and with the looming possibility of Hell freezing over I am inclined to agree. I thought the final ruling on the divorce would bring peace but several days later I can see how it had to be the harbinger of taking corners on two wheels and letting go of everything that no longer serves my unfolding good. I just got broke free from a cycle that was killing me. I don't think I have been this fully confused and cocksure in 20 years. The good news is I am better judge of who needs to be on my team and which bridges to set fire to and which ones need serious repair and the fact that nothing and everything is as wonderful as I think it is.
Bowie was right...
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
And I am okay with that because as my children have been apt to tell me, time is a human construct. Everything unfolds as it is supposed to and in the time it should. If I could get control of my kicking and screaming and reconnect with the lady who raised children who say shit like that, I just might get somewhere fantastically wonderful.