So, my divorce was final yesterday.
Super digressing except to my inner sanctum, League of Justice friends.
This has been going on 2 1/2 years. I was super unprepared for how this was all going to hit me.
I nominate Bob Seger to speak on my behalf.
Kindness in Giving Creates Love,a blog of which the creator's brain is ninety percent song lyrics, wanders and ponders and rants through all of life's joys and pains. Strictly for infotainment purposes, any enlightenment is purely coincidental.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Super Perfundo on the Early Eve of My Divorce
I have court tomorrow.
I don't know why the man who screamed at me to just fucking sign the papers and move on pushed the process this far. To be fair, there never were any papers. He screamed and fussed and kicked and moaned for like six months about this but would never produce the papers. Then, one day, his mistress paid for him to file for divorce. She's a real unmensch, I hope you never have the misfortune to meet her. I did once it was the worst 30 seconds of my life but I digress.
It's been nearly three years since all of this started. Once it started so to speak, it just got worse. Hindsight is 20/20 and not worth digging up tonight but still all of this happened it's all a piece of my life I have had to deal with. I have learned a lot. About myself. About him. About what loyalty really looks like. About hope. About healing. About bass. Seriously. Music is my Prozac.
For what it's worth, I am still very much dealing with the struggle and guilt that is seeing and fully recognizing that mistakes were made and the full gravity of the situation that was our relationship. I would be lying if I said I didn't occasionally have a fanciful unicorn thought of some miraculous restoration. There are a lot of years and tears and hopes and cheers tied up in this one person. From my point of view, we were a like minded, passionately attracted, perfectly complimentary power couple of sorts. But it wasn't true. He had all the power and anything he gave me was an illusion conjured to serve his own self-centered destruction. (It's take me a longtime to admit that without crying.)
He is a textbook something. I won't say what lest his minion of ridiculously delusional mistress should be creeping here as she does. (Or maybe it's him. No matter.) He is a textbook something and it took me longer than most to see it because I was still useful to him so he wasn't showing his true face. I spent a long time and a lot of energy thinking I had finally found my "perfect" relationship (no such thing I know that but I don't know what other word to use). What I had found was a dirty, little, shape-shifting narcissist who honest to God would throw his own parents, his family, his wife, his children under the bus to serve his own needs. In hindsight, I can see how he became whoever to suit whatever, how the man I loved was merely an illusion and subject to change when something more codependent and gullible came along.
But whatever.
For the love of God, please no one hold their breath in anticipation about announcement about the final outcome of tomorrow's court date. I do not know CPR and I am have an intuitive sense that folie a deux that is my husband and his mistress plans a full three-ring circus complete with an outdoor carnival. Come one, come all, free pony rides for the kids, this decade only. It may seem glib but um, we aren't the A-list celebrities. There's no beach house. No offshore account to fight over. No squabbling over a multitude of shares of well performing stock. The only issues are custody and support and as expected, he pulled the unfit mother card.
In case you aren't exactly aware of what that it is, it is a card low-life degenerates pull when they have no legitimate argument available against their looming support payments. I have jumped, jumped so much when he has asked me to I seriously considered changing my name to Kriss Kross. I have rolled with every punch and misfire that he has aimed my direction. Then one day, he ran out of delay tactics and the court put formal orders in place. BOOM. We went from having a rough agreement in place to him pushing the divorce to trial. Getting formal orders pushed things from me and our son from being at his mercy in regards to the informal agreement where he wouldn't pay the utilities and admitted to purposely withholding the cash portion because he didn't "owe me shit" or I was a "loser who was just using him". McFly, McFly, none of that was about me and what you were paying is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less than what you should have been, but I am sure you have noticed that. Bet you kinda wish you had played nicer now, huh? But no, you chose to fight the double-digit percentage of your income that now deposits to my account but deciding after walking out, walking away. giving up, etcetra that you want custody because I am not fit to parent.
Not my first rodeo, this is exactly what my daughter's father said in court nearly 20 years ago. He threw out a million and two reasons that he shouldn't pay child support because I apparently made Joan Crawford look like Mary Poppins. He lost. He never paid much of any thing but he lost nonetheless.
It's not about the Benjamins. It's not at all, in any way, shape, or form about the Benjamins. It's so insulting that dudes have this mindset. Anyway. So, tomorrow, once again I get to face the gauntlet of lies that is discrediting the mother so one does not have to pay support. Not even worried. Not at all. Nothing in their arsenal even pertains to my parenting so yeah whatever. I have two wonderful kids who love me. They may not always agree with me or understand me and God knows I am not always the perfect parent but somewhere in all of that they know that I love them and that I do my best to help them to grow into the adults that they are destined to be.
It is what it is and it's all that it will ever be. I hold onto the good. I release all the bad. I give up trying to rationalize with the irrational. For all the darkness that my soul has seen in all this, I have at least recovered, and I can be thankful that my dark was never the abysmal sort of self-hatred that manifest the way it does in men who cheat and the women who think what they have with them is love. So my friends, super perfundo on the eve of my divorce, here's to getting on with life and enjoying the good and the bad with people who genuinely love me...and my kids.
I have court tomorrow. It's all good because I know it's all in God's hands and He didn't bring me this far to not show up and show out. The best is truly yet to come.
I don't know why the man who screamed at me to just fucking sign the papers and move on pushed the process this far. To be fair, there never were any papers. He screamed and fussed and kicked and moaned for like six months about this but would never produce the papers. Then, one day, his mistress paid for him to file for divorce. She's a real unmensch, I hope you never have the misfortune to meet her. I did once it was the worst 30 seconds of my life but I digress.
It's been nearly three years since all of this started. Once it started so to speak, it just got worse. Hindsight is 20/20 and not worth digging up tonight but still all of this happened it's all a piece of my life I have had to deal with. I have learned a lot. About myself. About him. About what loyalty really looks like. About hope. About healing. About bass. Seriously. Music is my Prozac.
For what it's worth, I am still very much dealing with the struggle and guilt that is seeing and fully recognizing that mistakes were made and the full gravity of the situation that was our relationship. I would be lying if I said I didn't occasionally have a fanciful unicorn thought of some miraculous restoration. There are a lot of years and tears and hopes and cheers tied up in this one person. From my point of view, we were a like minded, passionately attracted, perfectly complimentary power couple of sorts. But it wasn't true. He had all the power and anything he gave me was an illusion conjured to serve his own self-centered destruction. (It's take me a longtime to admit that without crying.)
He is a textbook something. I won't say what lest his minion of ridiculously delusional mistress should be creeping here as she does. (Or maybe it's him. No matter.) He is a textbook something and it took me longer than most to see it because I was still useful to him so he wasn't showing his true face. I spent a long time and a lot of energy thinking I had finally found my "perfect" relationship (no such thing I know that but I don't know what other word to use). What I had found was a dirty, little, shape-shifting narcissist who honest to God would throw his own parents, his family, his wife, his children under the bus to serve his own needs. In hindsight, I can see how he became whoever to suit whatever, how the man I loved was merely an illusion and subject to change when something more codependent and gullible came along.
But whatever.
For the love of God, please no one hold their breath in anticipation about announcement about the final outcome of tomorrow's court date. I do not know CPR and I am have an intuitive sense that folie a deux that is my husband and his mistress plans a full three-ring circus complete with an outdoor carnival. Come one, come all, free pony rides for the kids, this decade only. It may seem glib but um, we aren't the A-list celebrities. There's no beach house. No offshore account to fight over. No squabbling over a multitude of shares of well performing stock. The only issues are custody and support and as expected, he pulled the unfit mother card.
In case you aren't exactly aware of what that it is, it is a card low-life degenerates pull when they have no legitimate argument available against their looming support payments. I have jumped, jumped so much when he has asked me to I seriously considered changing my name to Kriss Kross. I have rolled with every punch and misfire that he has aimed my direction. Then one day, he ran out of delay tactics and the court put formal orders in place. BOOM. We went from having a rough agreement in place to him pushing the divorce to trial. Getting formal orders pushed things from me and our son from being at his mercy in regards to the informal agreement where he wouldn't pay the utilities and admitted to purposely withholding the cash portion because he didn't "owe me shit" or I was a "loser who was just using him". McFly, McFly, none of that was about me and what you were paying is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less than what you should have been, but I am sure you have noticed that. Bet you kinda wish you had played nicer now, huh? But no, you chose to fight the double-digit percentage of your income that now deposits to my account but deciding after walking out, walking away. giving up, etcetra that you want custody because I am not fit to parent.
Not my first rodeo, this is exactly what my daughter's father said in court nearly 20 years ago. He threw out a million and two reasons that he shouldn't pay child support because I apparently made Joan Crawford look like Mary Poppins. He lost. He never paid much of any thing but he lost nonetheless.
It's not about the Benjamins. It's not at all, in any way, shape, or form about the Benjamins. It's so insulting that dudes have this mindset. Anyway. So, tomorrow, once again I get to face the gauntlet of lies that is discrediting the mother so one does not have to pay support. Not even worried. Not at all. Nothing in their arsenal even pertains to my parenting so yeah whatever. I have two wonderful kids who love me. They may not always agree with me or understand me and God knows I am not always the perfect parent but somewhere in all of that they know that I love them and that I do my best to help them to grow into the adults that they are destined to be.
It is what it is and it's all that it will ever be. I hold onto the good. I release all the bad. I give up trying to rationalize with the irrational. For all the darkness that my soul has seen in all this, I have at least recovered, and I can be thankful that my dark was never the abysmal sort of self-hatred that manifest the way it does in men who cheat and the women who think what they have with them is love. So my friends, super perfundo on the eve of my divorce, here's to getting on with life and enjoying the good and the bad with people who genuinely love me...and my kids.
I have court tomorrow. It's all good because I know it's all in God's hands and He didn't bring me this far to not show up and show out. The best is truly yet to come.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Oh baby, this one's from the heart...
I have no profound words about Valentine's Day.
Friday night, I went to dinner with a good, good friend of mine. I think it is the first time in awhile that we dined without my son in tow. So not only did I get to wear my big girl shoes, we got to have solid, uninterrupted girl talk. Driving back to her place, she posed a question to me that is still resonating with me tonight because of my answer.
In the blissful afterglow of good food, good conversation, and a good night sleep, I went to work yesterday in a strange state of contemplation. The cold kept people away so there was a lot of uninterrupted thought. In the afternoon, after my cohort clocked in we had another equally profound conversation. So with those two conversations rolling through my head I clocked out anxious to get on to my next adventure with the girl who is Statler to my Waldorf or is it the other way I can never remember.
Have you ever had a blossoming friendship that has moments that make you kind of go whoa, that's shit that my friends say, and by friends you mean people who have known you since you were a young blank slate, people that knew you before all the duct tape and white out and gesso and crack filler and staples and stuff. My friend of a scant 5 months totally got on my case about my lack of focus and my lack of writing. It wasn't even what we were talking about, she just stopped mid-sentence and exclaimed,"Oh my God, you haven't been writing have you! That's what's wrong with you."
What does any of this have to do with anything? Or with the subject line for that matter!
Sigh.
It remains to be seen.
I have got to focus. I have been in damage control for 27 months. That is a long time to not be alive. Held back by fear, deep fear and a completely shattered sense of self. I don't talk about a lot of things I should talk about in order to help myself. I am still in denial that my husband who swore he would love me forever would actually take my heart to pieces like this. I am not in denial about what is happening or delusional about anything. I realized that I need people to respect how deeply and mortally torn my heart is over my divorce.
I was never a girl who sat and dreamed about marriage. I could keep anyone and everyone at arms length. Anyone but him. I tried. Hell, I tried to not even meet him. Once, I did...I was hooked and I always believed that everything progressed the way it did and in the time frame it did because it was exactly what was supposed to happen to us. My husband changed me in ways that I never thought were possible. He made me a better, kinder woman not because of who he was but because of who he believed in.
Thank God I met him and he encouraged me in my faith. I imagine, if he could let himself, he would be proud of my progress and my propensity for praying prayers of surrender. All those times he prayed for me and he isn't even here to see that his prayers were answered. Some days when I see him I totally want to tell him that I am the lucky rabbit too and all the things that have happened for me because I got out of God's way.
But he doesn't talk to me at all. Not even about our son if he can help it.
It's truly sad.
I can't do what everyone wants right now. I can't move the way people want me to move. I can't date because I am not ready. So not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. I really need everyone to be okay with that. I am. I totally am because I had everything I ever wanted and a great deal that I never realized I needed with him as my friend and lover. It's not about me being stuck. It's about me needing to fully mourn a great loss.
It's not going to happen unless I focus.
I miss him terribly. And it's the election year more than Valentine's day that has me feeling the void of his presence in my life. It's walking out of sermons that he would label as "strength" and wishing he had been there to hear so we could discuss it further over lunch.
And I usually don't admit that I do miss him because then people get all negative about him. I know what he did. It's a fallen world and we all fall short of the glory. I chose to forgive. From what I can tell it is the road less taken in these cases and let me tell you it has made all the difference but since very few people have travel this road...the path is narrow and not as easy to travel.
The title today is from a Tom Waits song that has been on my heart tonight:
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