If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

They Got a Committee to Get Me Off the Block Because I Feed the Squirrels Nuts and I Feed 'Em Non-Stop

If as you read the title it sounds vaguely familiar, then you are probably a Beastie Boys fan. For some reason, "Slow Ride" by Beastie Boys is a song that my head goes to a lot. It may be that the song is almost 30 years old...so I have been listening to it for awhile. I think its a credit to Beastie Boys and Rick Rubin that yesterday "Girls" came on the radio and my 16-year-old commented that it sounded like a new song but then continued that it couldn't really be new because it wasn't completely stupid.

Back to the squirrels, if you live in the Miami Valley you may remember seeing what seemed like a slow news day story about a lady who was in trouble with the law for feeding squirrels. I think it was October or November. I would have probably not watched but they were two streets over. It didn't specifically say that, I just recognized the houses.

Anyway, it answered a question I have had since I moved in here. "Who the hell is feeding the squirrels all these peanuts?!" I know, at first, that everyone is like so what some lady fed squirrels, big deal. A couple of nuts, here and there is no big deal. My grandma would buy a bag of peanuts to feed Miss Suzy, and that bag would last her a month or two. Were just talking a little bag too, like you might get at a ballgame. This lady was (hopefully was but I'll get to that) heavily invested in squirrel welfare, and we felt the effects two blocks over. I have always found, and still find, peanut shells. At any given time, there are squirrels in my back and front yard foraging for their savings.

I have been some what lucky and mostly just annoyed. I have lost plants to these little boogers. Most recently they dug into both pots of my morning glory starts. That more than made me mad, they had just got to a place where probably this week I could start training them up the front post. There were a few salvageable, but not enough to cover the area I need covered. Talking to my neighbor the other week, she said she quit trying to plant anything new because she felt like all she was doing was opening squirrel buffets. The closer neighbors have fared worse with extensive damage caused by their squirrel infestation.
She's not supposed to be subsidizing the squirrels anymore. She's been to court. (If you are wondering, the exact charge was trespassing because she would go into neighbor's yards and feed the bushy tailed rodents.) There's like so many issues here I could talk about! Like getting people the help they need, it's just my opinion but when you reach a point in your life where you are spending obscene amounts of time and money feeding wildlife (and no your kids don't count, despite their behavior) there just may be some sort of intervention needed. I don't buy the excuse that she (or anyone else like that is "taking care of" these creatures. Just like ducks don't naturally eat Wonder bread, squirrels don't consume unsalted peanuts in their natural habitat. When you feed wildlife food you do two things, make them lazy and put them in harms way. I have an aunt whose degree is in interpretive biology, if you don't believe me I'll put you in touch with her. By the time she gets done with you, you'll be afraid to spit gum out the window. (Seriously).

I have my doubts that the feeding has stopped. Compulsions don't just stop because the court orders them too. The court order is supposed to be the wake up call to get your shit together but it doesn't always work that way.

So, I am off this morning to get some mulch so that these useless garden beds in front of my house can have a little zing. I'd rather plant flowers but the squirrel lady has pretty much ruined that.


  1. "Girls" has such a catchy beat, doesn't it? I haven't heard that song in years. I might still have my cassette tape. :) The lyrics aren't too bad either, not if you compare them to much of today's 'music'.

    A few years ago we had a ton of squirrels in our area; the bold little things would be always in our garden taking something. We didn't have as big a problem last year.

  2. You are a clever one aren't you :-)