All I want for Christmas is a dashboard camera.

I am not kidding. I wish I was but I am not. I noticed this phenomena awhile ago but tonight, oh tonight made me realize the necessity of a good dashboard camera.

If you are going to insist on coasting rather than braking, then eventually you will get rear-ended. I have been noticing this little trend for awhile. I blame the "Econ" mode, the hypermiling, possibly straight-up ignorance, down right shameful stupidity.

See my friends, there is a definite and distinct difference between a mere tail light and a brake light. In case you were unaware when you press your brake pedal it illuminates the brake light thus allowing the drive behind you to make the appropriate adjustments. I would rather be behind someone riding their brakes than someone who seems to not know what that horizontal pedal is for.

I am not trying to be overly cranky but I went out by Dayton Mall tonight. The drive out was easy. Thank God, Mad River is open. I don't think people know this because getting through Mad River and Alex Bell was a breeze. I expect traffic. I wasn't born yesterday and despite my best efforts, I don't live under a rock. There was traffic, and I know how to maneuver traffic. The problem came on the way home.

I took 675 home. Off at 48, no biggie until I realized I was behind one of those non-brakers. I gave them the benefit of the doubt at first. Maybe I wasn't seeing correctly. To be fair, some modern taillight configurations and light sources play havoc on my eyes. By the time we passed Elsa's though, I started thinking about this dashboard camera.

"Assured Clear Distance" is like the three most evil words in the English language. I started thinking about how if I rear-ended this j-hole then I'd be the one in trouble. Traffic was heavy. I was doing five under most of the time, and partly because I realized that the guy in front of me was incapable of braking properly. His brake lights did work, but the only time he used them was to turn onto Brookmont. C'mon folks, I am no physics genius but even I know that if I am coasting downhill it might not give the appropriate appearance to other drivers that my intention is to slow down and possibly stop.

I have noticed it a lot. Like I said, I think some of the fuel efficiency features on newer cars have made people forget about the world past their shiny dashboard. I don't care if you are getting 99.9 mpg when you do it and I know that you won't either when I slam full force into the back of your vehicle.

So, yeah, dashboard camera so that in the event I do slam into a brake deficient person I can show evidence that they had not indicated that they were stopped. Would it hold up? I don't know. In lieu of that, I am just going to slowly become one of those weirdos who doesn't drive because other people are so unpredictable.

No, no, no that won't actually happen. More than likely, I will just become like my grandma and saying things like," That's a shame, you spent so much money on the car you couldn't afford to add on brake lights." and a lot of other things that aren't postable from a polite society perspective.

If I can't have a dashboard camera, then Santa could you please see to it that all the decelerating but not braking people in the world have a horrible nightmare where they wake up in a cold sweat and vow to ride their brakes 'til it hurts. Nothing to psycholigically damaging, just enough of a jolt with enough physics and Troma effects to make someone rethink their fear of the brake pedal.

They Got a Committee to Get Me Off the Block Because I Feed the Squirrels Nuts and I Feed 'Em Non-Stop

If as you read the title it sounds vaguely familiar, then you are probably a Beastie Boys fan. For some reason, "Slow Ride" by Beastie Boys is a song that my head goes to a lot. It may be that the song is almost 30 years old...so I have been listening to it for awhile. I think its a credit to Beastie Boys and Rick Rubin that yesterday "Girls" came on the radio and my 16-year-old commented that it sounded like a new song but then continued that it couldn't really be new because it wasn't completely stupid.

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Back to the squirrels, if you live in the Miami Valley you may remember seeing what seemed like a slow news day story about a lady who was in trouble with the law for feeding squirrels. I think it was October or November. I would have probably not watched but they were two streets over. It didn't specifically say that, I just recognized the houses.

Anyway, it answered a question I have had since I moved in here. "Who the hell is feeding the squirrels all these peanuts?!" I know, at first, that everyone is like so what some lady fed squirrels, big deal. A couple of nuts, here and there is no big deal. My grandma would buy a bag of peanuts to feed Miss Suzy, and that bag would last her a month or two. Were just talking a little bag too, like you might get at a ballgame. This lady was (hopefully was but I'll get to that) heavily invested in squirrel welfare, and we felt the effects two blocks over. I have always found, and still find, peanut shells. At any given time, there are squirrels in my back and front yard foraging for their savings.

I have been some what lucky and mostly just annoyed. I have lost plants to these little boogers. Most recently they dug into both pots of my morning glory starts. That more than made me mad, they had just got to a place where probably this week I could start training them up the front post. There were a few salvageable, but not enough to cover the area I need covered. Talking to my neighbor the other week, she said she quit trying to plant anything new because she felt like all she was doing was opening squirrel buffets. The closer neighbors have fared worse with extensive damage caused by their squirrel infestation.
She's not supposed to be subsidizing the squirrels anymore. She's been to court. (If you are wondering, the exact charge was trespassing because she would go into neighbor's yards and feed the bushy tailed rodents.) There's like so many issues here I could talk about! Like getting people the help they need, it's just my opinion but when you reach a point in your life where you are spending obscene amounts of time and money feeding wildlife (and no your kids don't count, despite their behavior) there just may be some sort of intervention needed. I don't buy the excuse that she (or anyone else like that is "taking care of" these creatures. Just like ducks don't naturally eat Wonder bread, squirrels don't consume unsalted peanuts in their natural habitat. When you feed wildlife food you do two things, make them lazy and put them in harms way. I have an aunt whose degree is in interpretive biology, if you don't believe me I'll put you in touch with her. By the time she gets done with you, you'll be afraid to spit gum out the window. (Seriously).

I have my doubts that the feeding has stopped. Compulsions don't just stop because the court orders them too. The court order is supposed to be the wake up call to get your shit together but it doesn't always work that way.

So, I am off this morning to get some mulch so that these useless garden beds in front of my house can have a little zing. I'd rather plant flowers but the squirrel lady has pretty much ruined that.