Sometimes things go completely wrong, like a train wreck due to derailment. Shrug. I can't really explain everything that happened right now. I've really only shared it with two people. But I woke up one morning and the first thing on my mind was unpublish the blog. The second, I think, was oh snap I am late for work.
I come back to the blogosphere today because of something I read the other day.
Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn't become their future. –Jon Acuff
I have a lot of past. I have a lot of past that I would rather not talk about. I shut this thing down because I didn't feel like it represented anything that I wanted it to represent, and it didn't necessary speak how I wanted it to but there isn't any of us who is perfect so maybe I needed to get over my own delusions of grandeur. I do know that I do have a story and that yeah maybe there is a person or two out there who would actually appreciate the posts of despair because the only place to go from the bottom is up...or sometimes bottoms up but not the best idea.
Upwardly mobile. I chose that for the title today for multiple reasons. One, I got a new cell phone last weekend. It does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. Two, both my husband and I are in good places job-wise. We might even remember what true stability is like. Three, I have renewed my faith in God. He does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. (See one and two.)
There are a fair number of people in my life to which number three is met with sarcasm and an eye roll or something to that effect. To those people, I can only say...I will pray for you. I am not open for debate with someone who is not open to listening. Intellection only gets you so far...I know that for a fact. If you are too smart to know God, then well, I guess you are clearly a better person than me because I am pretty smart (by testing and not my own delusion) and I finally stopped wrestling with the idea and accepted that there is in fact a God.
Of course, the one step beyond for me is that I also for the first time in over 25 years (believe it or not) have actively been identifying as a Christian. No more of this weird pluralistic BS where I remain more neutral than Switzerland. I have studied, practiced, dabbled in a number of other options but still found myself going back to my Christian roots. Why wouldn't I? For all the reasons that people give for getting involved with other religions and belief systems, all of those other systems are such a crap shoot compared to Christianity. It's simplistic but I could try to live the best possible life as a Buddhist and hope to be reborn better with no real guarantee...or I could be reborn in Christ and by the grace of God see heaven. It's not just a possibility. It is promised.
I sometimes wish I had understood that better long ago, but truth be told, if I had I would not have been able to touch as many people as I can right now. It seems silly but every misstep that I have taken up to today just makes me better able to share that perfection is not a human trait and that the forgiveness of God is great and real. My relationship with God and Christ is not really much different than my relationship with anybody else in someways. I have prayed prayers that sound like I am talking to a friend...F-bombs and all. There are people that would find that offensive but God knows me and He knows my heart. He would much rather me come as I am than not at all.
Come as you are. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was binge drinking (among other things) young student. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was a young unwed mother. I wish I had realized the grace of God was that kind of party as my outer shell toughened from the day-to-day of wearing the hats of employee, student, mom. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party after I was married, after my dad passed, when our whole worldly world fell apart. For all my worldly smarts, I have been quite dense in realizing that God wants you whoever you are, what ever you have done, and it's never too late.
I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that verse as propaganda but age has brought wisdom and I know it to be Truth. Truth is good...better than anything you can imagine, really. So, here continues my blog, warts and all, because I am only human.