Absence makes the heart grow fonder or something like that...

It has been a long while since I posted anything. I had felt very renewed and inspired only to have life thwart me.

I am not going to lie. I am not real happy right now.

I had every intention of completing the Blog Flash. I couldn't. Things got in the way. I feel like I have lived a thousand lifetimes in the past month or so...with no relief in sight. I have been eroded to this really weird place. I don't know what or why or how I am supposed to do anything with this.

Did you miss me? It's been like a month!

With so much drama in the K-O-C (Kettering/Oakwood/Centervillle) it's kinda hard being J double n E. But somehow someway I keep coming up with blogs like every thirty days.

One of my bigger flaws is the ability to pretend that shit is okay. Feel your feelings or something like that. I don't get this whole line of thinking that pretends that shit isn't retarded that everything is sunshine and kittens and nothing bites.

I can't do that!

I see everything for what it is. I've never had the  privilege of illusions about the world. Hellocopter, I don't think I have ever even had the privilege to have illusions about God or the existence thereof. I am in a massive inventory liquidation sort of state and despite the fact that everything must go, it doesn't change that it was there in the first place. I had been hoping for some sort of sign, but at this point a burning bush would be nothing more than a lot of itching and a lot of 'splain to do to my husband.

There is nothing but darkness in my days, I know that seems crazy but it is what it is. I work a job where I feel like a dog chained to a treadmill at 25 mph. I am one family holiday away from a domestic violence incident with my BIL. Shame too, because I 100% understand his pain which in all honesty is why I think I keep setting him off...I know too much. If I told you every challenge in my life as of right now, you would call BS. No one could have THAT much random and painful incidents going on in there life at one time.

I do.

No joshing! I think at this stage in the game my husband and I are more bonded like the sick and twisted bond that say um concentration camp victims have than anything more appealing and happy. Everything is an illusion and I have no control over the outcome.

I've stop believing that God is a possibility. The it is all in his "plan" bullshit has no credence when you have lived my life.  There is no benevolent, caring God that would subject someone, anyone to the events of the last 30-45 days. It doesn't make me stronger.

It makes me fully question the existence of God.

And his alleged "plan".

Yeah.

I went there.

I tried not to but all my prayers apparently got voicemail.

If God doesn't believe in me, then whiskey tango foxtrot why would I waste my rime believing in him,

 I can not live within the constraints of this blog title. I have an idea for an alternate. What's the point? Everything I have poured my heart into has been met with nothing but failure. Complete failure. It amuses God and everyone else to see me so upset. If it didn't why would this be the soup of the day despite my best efforts to make a better soup?

Shit is nothing but retarded right now. Prayer is a joke. And the whole plan idea...don't even get me started.

Absence.

Void.

Nothingness.

It is what it is. It is life. Might as well embrace it.