If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Proverbs 3:5 Induced Insomnia

Kind of a hairy day. Not dreadful, just not ideal. Just stuff. OMG, yeah, actually there's a better stronger word for it. Plus, I need to go to the dentist and to say I hate the dentist is an understatement of the highest caliber. No good ever comes from the dentist AND it doesn't come cheaply either.

Dentist aside. Yeah, felt more than a little run down by the time I got home. I am heavy. My husband is heavy, but not as much as he had been earlier. He's been talking to people and praying and so he feels better. He said something, I don't remember what. Too much mental noise. Something about not worrying or something along those lines.

So there I am almost two hours ago now, laying on the bed, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom, sort of dozing when something pops into my head:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.
It sort of rattled around a few minutes, and then I finally had to break down and see where it was from. I never was good at remembering chapter and verse, just the text. Lucky for me, I guess, that I have my Bible on my dresser. (I always wonder if that is surprising to people. Not only that I own one, but that it's on my dresser by my bed. And just for the record, I own two, the other is well, in the, er, reading room lol) Anyway, so it takes me no time to find it read it. Read all of Proverbs 3, and then decide to kick my husband out of the bathroom.

Leaning on my own understanding, presupposes that I grasp what is going on. But the rub is, I don't know how to trust in anything with all my heart. I don't think that I have ever known how to do something like that. I am actually quite jealous of people who have that unencumbered faithful trust. It just always seems like such a chill place to be.

There is a totally funny video in all of this. A little rip-off of an old cough syrup commercial. I can't remember which one...Nyquil seems the most logical...could be wrong. My line would be something like,"He turned it all over to God now he's up there sleeping like a baby! Humph!" And then I would dramatically roll over.

How do you do it? How to you trust that whatever is happening is something more than a cataclysmic downward spiral that ends in death? I know, it seems dramatic, but seriously I can only go so far with assuring myself and others that whatever it is...it's not the end of the world. I do not do so well with the arguments that it's all part of a plan on some days. Shrug. It's way to much to get into in one post.

Trust. It's my biggest issue. I don't know how to overcome that. It seems quite a hurdle this far into the game. Yeah, definitely trust because I know I have made tremendous strides in the whole not leaning on my own understanding department. Not enough though, I guess, because otherwise, I'd be up there sleeping like a baby instead sitting down here trying to problem-solve my existence.

Well, the best news is that I decompressed enough to be ready to crawl back into bed without pondering the Old Testament all night so that's something, right?

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