Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Alternately titled, why Jenny doesn't write anymore.

The line is Langston Hughes, the poem "A Dream Deferred". I have been thinking about that poem a lot lately. Well, at least since the weekend before the weekend before last. Especially in light of my having posted:

I have this deep groove of thought streaming through my head that opens with the opening lines of "Howl" and rambles like a multi-ball pinball game through vast boards, grazing bumpers for meaning and laughing sadly at the new entendre in "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing."

That was my intro to posting Weezer's "We are all on Drugs". That deep groove was caused by seeing a ghost of a childhood friend among other things. That's not what this is about. This is about me. This is about me thinking about a million things at once and answering the question that has been asked of me a million more.

First, in case you need a refresher...

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

I don't necessarily think it does any of those things. At least, I wouldn't describe it as drying up like a raisin. It's a little bit like an old boyfriend with a cozy little place tucked away in furthest corner of your heart but rarely brought to memory unless by someone else.

That is exactly how I feel about writing. To be fair, some of you are reading this thinking,"Er, Jen, you are writing."  Blogging is nothing. It requires little thought and even less creativity. There was a time, as people are very fond of reminding me, that I was a prolific creative writer. Poems and as someone one put it "those freaky, deaky stories." A lot of people, for a very long time, myself included for a little while, forecasted that I would grow up and become a writer. I can see how that assumption could be made.

The thing is that growing up isn't at all how I ever thought it would be. I always assumed that when I got older, got married, had a family that I would have those things to write about, to draw from. I don't though. My husband, my kids, this stinky black dog, all invoke certain emotions but I don't find myself compelled to write poetry, prose or even some non-fiction expose about any of them. I can't write those "freaky, deaky" stories like I used to because quite honestly, those were pure imagination. It is far easier for a 16 year old to write a completely fanciful and fantastic steamy sex scene than it is for me to do so now. Sex is far more complicated than I could have ever imagined at 16. Aside from the complexity of the story, there is that risk that people might think that I am writing about them. Or that I am reflecting some reality that I once knew. For the most part, they would be right. The truth is much stranger than any fiction I could conjure so I would be remiss if I didn't chronicle it. I am not really inclined to do it though so rest assured your secrets are still safe with me.

The last really great thing I wrote was ten years ago. A collection of poetry that I had intended to get publish. It was titled "...then I'd be the queen!" which was drawn from a private conversation, the first part of the sentence was,"If getting laid was the answer to the question of the meaning of life..." I don't have conversations like that anymore with anyone because we've all become less frenetic, old, married ladies. (Or divorced, just so I don't leave anyone out.) I don't know what made it so great. I still have a copy. I actually won a contest with one of the poems.

I guess what I am trying to say is that things change, people change. Some things don't give the same thrill that they once did. I threw away just about everything I ever wrote this summer when I cleaned out the garage. I let it go. I had to.

Sure, every once in a while, I will be struck with some inspiration that comes out lyrically but I am not ever going to be that thing you thought I once was. It's time for everyone else to let it go too. It only "sags like a heavy load" because people keep putting weight to it. You were all going to be a lot of things too, but you don't see me bringing it up in conversation. I don't ever want to be like that friend I ran into...lost...stuck in the weight of a reality based entirely in fantasy. Reality is hard enough for me without adding the complication of trying to be someone I used to be.

So, I don't write anymore. It doesn't give me the joy it used to. It doesn't flow like it used to. It stopped being something I identified with.Come to think of it, most things in life are like that for me anymore.

There's just no joy in my world anymore. I feel sick all the time. I feel depressed all the time. I keep pushing forward, but for what? More rejection and heartache. More of the universe laughing at me. I wish I did have some sort of talent in something. Some sort of time-consuming rewarding hobby. Something that would give me an edge in these stupid interviews. Instead, it is always more of the same.

So here is the thing...I hear ad nauseaum about letting things go and being set free. About clearing out stagnant space so that new things can fill in. So like I said, I let it go. But nothing has come in it's place. But then, I still do this so maybe I haven't let it go. So, here it goes. This is it my friends, my last post. Like everything else in my life, this blog has never worked out the way I intended. And it certainly doesn't help me to change anything around me, about me or inside of me. Nothing does. So why keep putting myself through it all the time.

I suppose it's been fun for the most part, but when you are the only person in the auditorium it is still talking to yourself.

These things have always been the same

I am tired tonight. Which seeing as it is night is a good thing, I suppose. I came downstairs just because I didn't feel tired. So apparently I am crazy too.

Someone posted something Knopfler in their feed tonight which lead to me listening to "Romeo and Juilet" which led to me listening to "Why Worry" not just one but three versions. Wembley '85, Prince's Trust '09 and this version I have posted.

I am in a weird place.

I do try to go with the flow. Be one of those folks who looks at life like one giant Magic 8-ball that always comes up "All Signs Point to Yes." Lemonaid out of lemons, the whole shebang and all that jazz.

There is such a state of cognitive dissonance, I can't even tell you. Just as a for an example...this job thing as I have begun to call it. It's a total mind fuck. People tell me not to take it personally but the judgement is on me. It's hard to keep up the ol' self esteem when you can't find acceptance anywhere. Having been privy to so many wonderful cattle calls and other group nonsense lately, I have come to a conclusion. It wasn't a jump. It was pretty well thought out and it is, all things being equal, the most logical answer. I am not an eastside slag.

I know it sounds mean but it is the one very discernible difference at these laughable excuses for evaluation my worth as an employee. What's really sad is that it has almost always been this way. Despite what people may think, I am not conceited or delusional. I really do know as much about everything as I say I do. I've never been a one-trick pony and last time I checked the only thing in life that was "rocket science" is rocket science.

It's just frustrating to see how sad the world is around here. And by here I mean the Miami Valley at large. I applied for a billing job at this place downtown last week, and the whole I sat filling out the app, I looked around and wondered if I should bother. I clearly didn't fit in there either.

People will say to look for the same and not focus on the differences. It's impossible. I used cognitive dissonance off the top of my head for chrissake! A lot of those are the same people who always told me that being smart would pay off eventually, and by eventually I think they meant at death.

I posted "Why Worry" because I like it. Because I put it on a CD I made for my husband. Because I put it on our wedding rotation. Because I forgot how much I love that song. I posted it for me but there is nothing deeply profound I have to say about it. The song that would be a better accompaniment is Remy Ma's "Conceited". I couldn't bring myself to post the original and I can't find a mash up of it that I think is titled,"I Wanna Be Conceited Non-Stop"

So there I've gone again and proved Bill Shakespeare right about life. Night all...

Seriously?

Today... Today, I planned to run and put my application in a few places while Boogie is at pre-school. Today, I looked forward to taking my daughter to get her learner's permit. Today, I intended to use the rest of my morning time to get this house in order. This morning, the car wouldn't start! It has happened before. It's a faulty passlock issue and there is a work around. I spent a while trying to refind it. Sadly to remember after wasting a lot of time, that I had bookmarked it on a different computer. I started to run it once, but noticed that the car was not cooperating. (The light should go out after ten minutes and it did not.) So, I came back in and played "Gardens of Time". I decided to give it another go, and it seems to be working this time. Fingers crossed. It is always like this. It has gotten to where I try to not really think about things. There's never anything that happens here without massive complications. If it doesn't start then there is the whole flood of attitude I have to look forward to, whoopie! Not to mention being grounded unless I want to play chauffeur to my husband. I say that 'cuz I know our guy can't fix it which means taking it in which means getting bent over for god knows how much. And since there is nothing to spare and no one seems interested in hiring me and I can't seem to get these parties going, then it means popping it in neutral and rolling it the rest of the way up the driveway 'til something can be done. Oh well...

Yeah this one right here goes out to all the baby's mamas, mamas... Mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas Yeah, go like this

So, yeah, I got an email earlier informing me that I am soon to be the proud recipient of 76 cents in coin of the realm. That's right friends, 76 cents! I know you are asking yourselves how you too could be the recipient of such an awesome sum of money. Don't be hating at the candy bar I'm gonna buy with my new found wealth. It's child support and I will be buying my daughter a candy bar with her father's generosity.

Now, before you go getting all mushy and nominating him for (absent) father of the year...oh I just don't know if you are ready for this. Are you, are you really ready? Okay, that is 76 whopping cents toward $10,289.42 that is owed to my daughter. At that rate it will take 13,539 payments just to clear the back support. Or roughly 1,128 years if you want to break it down that way. That doesn't even count the next three years of payments that aren't behind...but they will be. It's a sad fact.

So, to whom do I owe this windfall? Well, it's this guy http://www.facebook.com/DanielBaileyJr   Isn't that weird how I can find him BUT the people collecting child support for the last 15 years somehow can not ever seem to locate him? Isn't that odd? I must be some sort of God to conjure him up like that.

I would rather not get anything then to get these piddly slaps in the face from this sociopath. (Sorry, kiddo, but for him to do you like this make him nothing less.) I seriously could have gone the next three years and not received a dime. I mean hell it's been like four years since the last payment, not like we were missing the couch change this loser scrounges up to appease the child support collections.

I am here killing myself trying to find a job to help make ends meet. My husband is working his balls off to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads and this ass-clown is allowed to send 76 cents! Fuck him!

I get so sick of people telling me that I should "report" him. Don't you think that I have asked for his ass to be nailed to a wall? Don't you think that when I was single and struggle I questioned why he should be allowed to pay so little to stay out of trouble? Don't you think that I would have taken care of the situation if I could have? Honestly, I pretty much gave up when I filed for an adjustment and got my support reduced. I was making about ten an hour at that time, and had been some what regularly been receiving checks. It wasn't greed that prompted my filing, but when I got the judgment reducing the support by 75%...well, let's just say not everyone is special like me and can remember the day they lost faith in a lot of things. I remember crying on my dad's shoulder because I went from scraping by to poorer than people on welfare.

So, not only do I get to 24/7/365 love and completely care for  this angry teenager who barely ever talks to me and usually acts like every decision I have ever made has ruined her life...I get to deal with these ridiculously insulting payments and the people who collect them (and protect him). Fuck them!

Fuck God! Fuck things happening for a reason! Fuck fifteen fucking years of this fucking bullshit!

Love it or leave it, you better gang way You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play

Now that I may have gotten "Ice Ice Baby" stuck in your head...

I am not trying to complain but I am tired. So, flippin' tired. Granted, I had a busy action packed weekend. Hit the Oktoberfest at Germania Park in Cincy on Friday. Totally spur of the moment, and totally fun. Me and my twisted sense o' humor couldn't help thinking of some sort of old Nazi prop film when I was watching my son ride around on the kiddie cars. Best strudel I have had in years too! Saturday we had a birthday party which got me talked into a girl's night. Good times, some disturbing moments but overall good times. Ever run into someone who is a shadow of themselves? Soo very sad to see. Sunday we ran out to Englewood and let Boogie throw rocks in the river at the canoe take-out. Then Chinese takeout from Peking Garden.


That then brings us to today. Monday, monday, yep you can't trust this day! So yeah, I am tired. Been toolin' around the house trying to make some sense of all these messes. My house always drives me crazy. We have 9 rooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 long hallways. Three if you count the stairs, ugh, didn't think about those. For the most part 7 of those rooms are I guess my responsibility as the mom. Ah, and for the most part I have completely shirked on that responsibility.

We have lived here for a year and a few days. I was on top of things up until Ryan lost his job. It didn't all fall apart then, but it was definitely interrupted by a complete and total schedule change. The other thing that impedes progress is that is somehow seems that completely unpacking and sorting everything is my jurisdiction. That being said, even a year later, there are untouched boxes. I don't so much mind the unpacking. I mind being put in this position where I have to decide what the hell to do with everything. I have made leaps and bounds in getting rid of excess junk but it wears me out.

It leads me some days to wonder if I even speak English. I know that I have explicitly asked for other people to assist me in this process. I know that have made clear that something is how it is because I do not have any place to put it storage-wise. I know I tried to get others to understand that I am only human and that I only have the same 24 hours everyone else has. Some days, it makes me miss the little house. At least, I could keep that clean. At least, everything had a place there...even if it was a hiding place.

Often it does feel like what life expects from me is to slave away and never have any fun. All work. All the time. I really want to like this house as much as I did when we first walked in to it over a year ago. I want to love it as much as I loved our old house...or my old condo. I want this to feel like home... moreso than it does right now. Right now, it feels like a big burden with too much dust and not enough decor.

Seriously, I am not trying to complain. I am really just trying to figure out how to make a change. There are places in this house that drive me absolutely crazy...the laundry room...the back room...the top of the stairs. I feel really defeated because I have a lot of time in the past several weeks trying to declutter and organize and it doesn't look like it one bit. It's an uphill battle to do it during the day for the most part. That hill is named Wesley and he can undo in one minute something that took hours to set up. By the time that I have back up I am too damn spent to take on some of these tasks. I have tried to get my husband and daughter to help but they have obstinate personalities in that they won't just do what I ask they always want to do it their own way. (Ask my husband if I didn't tell him for future reference that putting all of the toys in the playpen is valid grounds for divorce.) I don't mind people doing things their own way, it's just that our house is in dire need of a good solid couple of days of work and no one seems willing to do that.

Well, my daughter is here telling me about how she needs a butterfly tattoo and how it is for a good cause!

Don't quit your day job, kid!

Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.
--Henry Miller--

Not understood is an understatement. Confusion doesn't even begin to describe it.

Didn't sleep well last night, which wasn't helped by my husband waking me up. I'm not sure why he does it. Maybe I sleep with my eyes open or something and he thinks I am awake. He left and I got a little snooze before the birdman came running into my room all guns blazing. Potty for both of us, then he wanted to brush his hair because I brushed my hair. Off to the kitchen for breakfast and now here I am on my um, third cuppa joe.

So, I didn't get the job. So, um, yeah, fuck me. I keep thinking about Derek from Stepbrothers when he says," It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year." Granted, I didn't make any money last year nor do I lather up with Kiehls in the shower. But yeah, it's a lot about the money. And the saddest part is the amount of money is that what we need to just keep our heads above water isn't that much at all.

I don't think a lot of people realize that this is so hard on me because I feel helpless. When it was just me and my daughter, I was the sole breadwinner and I never ever experienced this sort of black hole of uncertainty. That being said, I know being the sole source of income is rough and I don't want that all on Ryan. I don't know what is going on here. It's not like it is one place or one line of business. I branched out. I stopped being picky. I just want to work. I want this pressure in my chest gone. I want to be done with the perpetual malaise and fatigue of anxiety. I want to not have to mentally go over the books every time my kid asks for a little pocket money.

It seems easy for people to tell me not to take all of this rejection personally. But the major problem with that is um, I am the one that got black-balled. It was my skills, my personality, my looks that didn't cut the mustard. How do I detach from myself? Prozac? Buddhism? Lobotomy?

I have also heard people say that when things are bad it is some sort of lesson that God is trying to teach you. Okay then what lesson? Not to let people with no basic understanding of economics to vote? That food is overrated? That nothing I ever do is good enough? Because that is pretty much how I feel these days.

When I was driving to that interview the other morning, I found a CD in my case called "Sick Sense of Humor" a creation of my own that is about two years old. I used to burn a lot more personal CDs. The title of this one is stolen from within the Depeche Mode song "The Rumour" (which you may better know as "Blasphemous Rumours"). I like to pick themes when I burn something. I could never make this CD right now. If I tried it would be so much darker than the one I burned two years ago. No, this one was born of pure creativity on a warm fall day when the baby was sleeping. I'm going to leave you with the second song, because there is not any better song that I can think of offhand that gives a sense of how I feel. Plus, it's the Who and it's Friday and I need some freakin' fun!

I find it hard to tell you 'Cos I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad World

Originally a Tears for Fears song, but most people seem to know it from Donnie Darko. It's a fairly disturbingly beautiful song. And since I am still chaining my titles, it fits!

I don't think I finished my failure outline. Really, all I have been trying to highlight is that I have put a lot of time, energy, brainpower and sweat into life and there hasn't been any ROI. Probably the reason I enjoy my kids so much is that they are the only thing I have done right but if every thing else isn't working out... how the hell am I supposed to take care of them.

I am really proud of both of them. As I type this my son is eating "pop carts" in his undies watching Mickey Mouse. In his undies because he takes his clothes off. Eating Pop Tarts because he climbed in the cupboard and got one. Watching Mickey Mouse because he changed the DVD by himself. I am not sure what period it is, but I would think near 4th so my daughter would be in history. I don't talk a lot about my kids because people always act like I am making up how great they are. My daughter is in Honors English and Honors Geometry this year. She was in AP US History but we let her drop it so she could be a teenage girl. I think she could have handled it, but you are only a Sophomore once and she's got the rest of her life to learn history. I really enjoy watching her and her friends. It made me realize why really old people are smiling all the time. Younger people are hilarious.

Time to go run in my own circles. This house is a mess.

One is always considered mad, when one discovers something that others cannot grasp.~~ Ed Wood

I, too, like a nice Angora sweater.

I like the quote because I do have moments lately where I am looking at life and thinking it is because I grasp something that others do not, that I do not fit in so well.  Or at least, it makes me feel better for a few seconds.

I have mentioned my feelings of failure, and I really do need to explain that for clarity's sake. It's not a despondent, no gratitude sort of thing. Sigh. Okay, when I am hanging out with my kid's or in some small pocket of goodness, I am distracted from all that is wrong. And it is wrong, I am no longer willing to entertain the thought that THIS is part of some divine plan. It's bullshit, complete and total bullshit.

All the conventional wisdom and all that sort of jazz streams a steady message of workin' hard and havin' faith and tightening your bootstrap and being rewarded. My experience over the past 12 or so months is so far to the contrary. Everything is really just one big lie, one big illusion.

I shouldn't be sitting here wondering if sending my kid to preschool is a good idea because I am not sure we can swing the tuition. It's dirt cheap, it really is, but short of it coming out of my ass I am not confident about enrolling him. I have been trying for a long time to find a job. I have been trying to build up a little bit of direct sales to make ends meet. I have been applying at places that hardly require a high school diploma.

I can't tell you how many times in the past several months I have heard people speak on the idea of service. Be of service. Karma to burn. Volunteer. I have never really been opposed to lending a hand. When I was working it was a lot harder to do but I would always try to pitch in in someway. I'd say a little more than a year ago I opened myself up to sort of go with the flow more. Honestly, think "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. So, if something presented itself and it appealed to me I'd say okay. It never really gave me the warm fuzzy feeling that everyone claims that it would. I didn't hate it. Well, except these past few summer months. Ever been in a situation where someone ASKED you to do something, but then never gave you any ownership of the project. I let it slide with the picnic. But yeah, it is really demoralizing to be pumped up to make calls and be told that this other person already talked to them about it. So WTF did you need me for? I saw things differently, but it wasn't enough of a negative experience to turn me totally off. Then, there was this other project. We had had a brief meeting and that ended with some action items. I took care of them THAT DAY, and emailed everyone the results. Imagine my frustration to be emailed back a response that indicated to me that a)this person who had asked me to do this had ABSOLUTELY ZERO faith in my spearheading this and b)that they hadn't even read what I had written, like they were on some sort of weird autopilot that caused them to micromanage everything. Sigh... Anyhow, I missed a Sunday and sent out another email. One that no one responded to, ah, what a vote of confidence. I'll come back to all of this in a minute.

This summer has been very trying. I say a lot in these post BUT I don't say everything. I know that most of yinz are intelligent enough to read the in-between stuff. Life is messy. I have always known this.  What ever all of this is these days is taking a tremendous toll on my marriage. So much has changed in the past year. We moved here. We lost a job. We stayed afloat on our savings. We were stuck in the house together all winter. We have worked endlessly to keep things together. I don't know if it made us stronger because some days there is just so much distance I'm not even sure I know who this guy is.

Anyway, we were talking one night. I don't remember the details but the subject lead to the revelation that neither of us were really "feeling" our church lately. He commented about his comfortability these past few weeks. I told him about what was going on with the project. One of us makes and offhanded comment that leads to us inventorying who isn't there anymore. We added ourselves to the list.

Faith. Not sure what that is anymore, if I have ever had, if I have lost it, if it's even something I need. We had considered checking out the church around the corner, but I'm just not that inclined to do so. There's too many variables, too many loose ends, too many possible outcomes, and far too many crazy people in organized religious settings. I'm going to stick to my weekly viewing of "Closer to Truth" and the occasional indulgence in channel 43. I'm tired of trying to prove my spirituality. It's not a pissing contest, and anyone who thinks that way needs to re-examine their materials.

I don't think that I could ever really find a church that I believe in whole-heartedly...unless I started it myself. Then, I think that is called a cult and I'm just not that charismatic!

I know what I am grasping, I just don't know how to pull it through.

Sometimes it takes years to really grasp what has happened to your life. ~~Wilma Rudolph

So, I had that second interview today. It seemed to go well, but I don't really feel qualified to be the judge of it. I have thought at least 5 other interviews went well too.

I am so terribly exhausted it is pathetic. It occurred to me a bit ago that my thyroid maybe acting up again. I saw my doctor the other day. Granted, it was at Walmart and I was surprised he said hi to me. That is really as close as I want to get to him anytime soon. I hate going to the doctor's office. I hate taking the kids to the doctor's office. I pretty much hate it all around. It's a story for another day, just suffice it say that it has something to do with the staff. Every office has pretty much the same staff...the same type of person with too little education and too much power. That's all I am going to say out loud.

It's 4pm and I have no idea where my day went or why I feel like I have run marathons while playing Jeopardy. Okay, I have a slight idea but I still struggle to understand how it works out this way.

Yesterday, it was the same way. Never enough hours in the day to get things done.

I really want to do some heavy writing. I have a lot on my mind. I do not have the time though. Earlier today, I looked down for a few minutes to check messages and when I looked up my son was covered in purple dry erase marker. This lead to an unscheduled shower which has kind of thrown me off completely.

I wish I could get energized and get things done. I am really feeling much older than my years lately. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I really can't remember the last time I felt relaxed and worry-free. It's been a while. Lately, even when we do recreational things it is never really fully relaxing. Sigh....

Okay, so if I did well this morning next Monday I will join the ranks of the working again. If not, I don't know what comes next. To be honest, I feel like a complete failure at everything and that all falls in the things I wish I had more time to write about. I don't "fit" anywhere. Never really have if you think about it. Oh, I have tried but I am just too Jenny to be anything else. Maybe by this weekend, I will be feeling better and will have time.

Time to go stare at the cupboard and decide how to finish out dinner tonight. I regret not throwing something in the crock pot last night. I could take a nap if I already had something brewing.

Stranger things have happened...

So, I have a second interview woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It is exciting. If it happens it will be great. If it doesn't, that's okay too because over the past couple of days I feel a bit like I have gotten my groove back on.

Or it could all be deliriousness from my insomnia, who knows?!

Send your good vibes my way Monday Morning, I gotta take a typing test so I am going to need it. I haven't formally typed in quite a while.

People are strange, when you're a stranger...

Good fit. What exactly does that mean? I think the definition of good fit is about as wide-ranging and arbitrary as the definition of business casual.

I have been thinking about that a lot this morning. First, at my open interview, for the first job I have come across in a long, long time that is actually interesting and that I would kick some serious ass in. They mentioned that a few times about how we could determine if they were right for us and vice versa. It was an open interview situation, so we'll see. If I get called tonight, then my faith in humanity just might be salvageable.

When I came home, I had a letter from Kohl's stating that yada-yada-yada you suck, go away. Okay, that's not what it said. It said and I respond:

We want to personally thank you for your interest in an employment opportunity with Kohl's Department Store. Personally? I never met the person who signed the letter, and I doubt that any of the people that herded through applicants that day could pick me out of a line where I was wearing a name tag. We enjoyed meeting you and learning about your background and experience. Did you? I don't think you learned anything about me or my background in your round the circle sessions of the same questions to every person at the same time. I suspect that my answers were "too perfect" for your run of the mill customer service quiz which is unfortunate for both of us because I arrived at those "too perfect" answers through a combination of education and ten long years in the trenches of healthcare accounts receivable and insurance nightmares. So, like the boyfriend who could never remember my name it would behoove you to know my name before you disingenuously tell me you love me but npt in THAT way.

We have had the opportunity to meet many qualified candidates for the opportunities we have available. One Thousand scheduled for 150 jobs plus any walk-ins, so yeah I'd say that was a few. Although, I disagree on the term qualified...unless the only qualification was a pulse. Although you demonstrate many qualities, we are unable to offer you a position at this time. Name one! I bet you the balance of my Kohl's charge that you can't. I bet you double or nothing that you can't even give me a concrete reason that you are not hiring me.
We will retain your application on file for any future opportunities that may develop. I bet you say that to all the girls.
If you have any questions, please contact the store. How? It's not opened and you certainly did not provide any contact or follow-up information to applicants.
Thank you again for your interest in Kohl's. We wish you the best in all your endeavors. No problem! I will certainly think of your fondly when I am shopping at Elder-Beerman.

Well, that was fun!

Whatever happens, happens with that job today. I certainly could use 30k base plus bonuses. And like I said I think I could kick some serious back side in a position like that. I don't know how to really act in a group interview. Do they want you to act like an ass and be all in their face? It's not my style. And just because I am not jumping up and doing tricks does not mean that I am not the best person for the job. I am a reserved person. I think it's called class and manners. God damn my family for teaching them to me! Decorum is a dying or at least changing to some sick level where in order to "prove" oneself and one's fit one has to act like a drunken sorority chick on all expenses paid Spring Break in Cabo.

Don't get me wrong. I can doI have done drunken sorority chick. Tomo Dachi! It's a great gig but there comes an age where it doesn't wear well. Looking at my past few rejections, I am speculating that being the best fit for the job is not as important as whether or not your employment qualifies the company for government subsidies. I am not a good fit because I am not easily expendable because I actually know that I have rights and I have the wherewithal to exert them. Also, not being in the system, I don't settle for whatever slave wages keeps me flush with food stamps and free medical. I expect to get paid for my work and rewarded for my ongoing service and performance.

I hate to say it, but lately I am having a really hard time not thinking there is something to those Zeitgeist movies. It was easy enough to discredit them when it was my crazy-ass BILs that were passing burned copies to everyone they knew. I don't know. I don't like when the math doesn't work out. I don't like the completely futile feeling of life lately.

But that's just me...and I have heard I am not a good fit :-D

Hell is other people ~ Sarte

So, Target thanked me for wasting my time with their interview.

All of life is absurd, and not even in any laughable way.

People keep telling me to keep moving forward. For what? To keep getting smacked in the forehead with all this rejection!

War is Hell...and so it job hunting!

I had an interview the other day. Retail. Big group sort of thing. I had an interview this morning. Retail. Just me and two different people. Both of them with a you'll hear from us next week.

The group interview was some what annoying. The questions were easy-peasy customer service type things. Everyone answered the same question, and very often the same. I don't think that I made it through. Not being negative, being observant. After I signed in, I took a seat and watched. It's what I do. I noticed that people from previous interview times were being herded back in a given packet to fill out that requested references and consented to background and drug tests. I got a thanks for coming you will hear from us by next Friday.

This morning, I realized that I am being asked the same types of questions for entry-level retail jobs as I have been asked for experienced, technical jobs or for first tier management-type jobs. I don't think that I ever realized that someone working the floor of a department store had so much pressure and had to be so goal-focused and outcome-oriented. (Tongue firmly in cheek there folks...) Tell me about a time when you worked on a team to accomplish a goal and what was the outcome? Tell me about a time when you were presented with a challenge (which is really nothing more than a goal you didn't think to set) and how did you approach this challenge and what was the outcome? Tell me about a time when you had 30 seconds to disarm a bomb and the only available tools were a paper clip, a stick JuicyFruit and a BeeGees CD, what did you do, what was the outcome?

Sigh...

Times like these only serve to amplify to me how sorely I stick out in the world. Nothing is rocket science or brain surgery, except rocket science and brain surgery. I have bizarre Rainman abilities that never can quite sell. Always seems like in so far as the medical billing stuff goes, very few people are willing to believe or appreciate that I can work that magic that I can. I ♥ information. Or is it the learning? I'm not sure but I am sure that I have been exposed to and retained a lot of information. Train me how to do, and all be damned if I don't do it. Keep me busy, keep me moving, let me flippin' work!

Who cares that I have a degree in business! Who cares that I have x number of years of experience! If I have applied for your stupid job then I have done the research and deemed that not only do I feel that I would be an asset to your team BUT also that it wouldn't be such a horrible gig that I would be miserable. I have an idea! Let me worry about what's good for me! 'Cause you know what I may seem overqualified for your job but your job is the best fit and the best pay and the job the most enables me to be able to fully perform at my most important job...MOM!

It's where I am at this noontime hour. Full of Timbits and angst. It's a bit like being a teenager, except without the added bonus of not having to worry about the bills.

Dogs of war and men of hate

No special meaning to today's title, it was just the first thing that popped in my head after reading the last title. Me and my silly title chaining.

I sort of feel like I just stole from the CVS.

I got:

• 2 bags of Chex Mix
• 2 boxes of Nutragrain bars
• 2 boxes of Fiber One bars
• 2 boxes of Nature Valley Granola Bars
• 3 tubes of Colgate Total Whitening
• 2 50oz bottles of Purex Ultra
• 2 bottles of Herbal Essence Hello Hydration 2-in-1
• A box of Mini-Wheats
• A box of Raisin Bran Crunch
• Hefty 28ct 30 gallon bags
• 75oz bottle of Cascade
• $10 card for Shell

I spent $46.40. If only every moment of life could feel this accomplished.

I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs. ~~Andy Warhol

It's colder from this bowl.

 I used to talk to my cat a lot. He never said much but he was a good listener.

So, I know I missed my day so I didn't accomplish my days in a row for posting these ramblings. The past several days have been a blur. A deconstructionist art film blur.

I am really not having fun.

Like there is this level of ickyiness where I can still enjoy myself to some extent. It's place where maybe some things are hard or not working out right or whatever, but it's still a'ight. This is not one of those times. This is not even one of those times where I can pretend that it is one of those times.

I sometimes wish that I knew what it was like to be one of those people who has boundless faith. It's late and I am not looking to get into a theological discussion BUT... Just read this objectively. I keep thinking about all that I have heard or read or whatever about getting centered yada-yada-yada. Be still and know and all that good stuff. Least that's what they tell me. So, when I am still I find that it's me alone in a room and that I know nothing. If you take anything from this, don't ever tell someone that you feel the way I have just described unless you know they can wrap their head around it. See, those boundless faith sort of people, they can't imagine what I describe. It sucks. Especially when you are married to it.

I am what I am and I don't know what that is anymore. That plays a big factor in my previous paragraph. There are a great number of things over the past several months that seemed like Kismet, like they were prescribed to happen by some higher power. I rolled with it. Things seemed to fall into place magically and easily. But then now here I am down the road a little further and it seems more like I am actually not down the road at all. It's like I have been spinning my wheels in a gigantic mud puddle, and I have stayed perfectly still.

I slept horribly last night. Physically very comfortably because I slept downstairs where it is cooler, but my dreams were super messed up and disjointed. I am so out of whack these days. Sometimes, I can't get to sleep because I am still tense from the day. My boy is a handful and a half and I have days where he's completely frazzled me by 9am and I still have 12 hours left in the day with him. Other days it's mental noise. Tonight, it's a bit of both.

Took the kids out this afternoon but we weren't out very long because my son decided to have a be all end all sort fit at the store. You know what someone doesn't need when that happens? An entire store full of people disapprovingly death-staring you down while you try to assuage a kicking, screaming, howling, hyperventilating child. So, there's the physical tension part, it blew me for the rest of the day. The mental is the whole job, financial, what to do, what to do aspect of my life.

I don't get it. I have taken advantage of opportunities to build revenue streams. Nada. I have applied for jobs that I have experience in. Zip. I have applied for jobs that I have no experience in. Zilch. I have applied for full-time jobs. Zero. I have applied for part-time jobs. Nothing. How am I supposed to keep on swimming when the water is receding?

And another thing...how am I supposed to not take things personally. I have far passed a point where I can keep my self-esteem intact. I feel so dumb, so helpless, so untalented, so worthless anymore. I am exhausted.  I don't do well when things get wildly chaotic in unfun ways. We had just gotten ourselves into a place of relative piece of mind, at least, as far as I am concerned. Then...now...this...so much for all that hard-work. I am not a person who is built for constant, relentless rejection.

Since misery loves company, I'm going to go talk to the dog. He understand 'cuz every time I ask him how life is, he answers "Ruff!"

Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.

So, I'm going to try to chain my titles together. Why? Because that's how I roll, I suppose. Because it's funny to me. Because it will make reading the editor more entertaining.


This editor is wacky. It's not so WYSIWYG? Which is frustrating because I have certain ideas about how I want the layout to look and sometimes when I hit "Preview" it is disastrous.

I have no idea what I wanted to talk about today. I just wanted to try to make three days in a row. Maybe if I get consistent on the posting then I can more easily convert over to the "themes" I mentioned I was going to roll over to last month.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt that everything wasn't exactly as it appeared? Like you've been asked to make dinner, but they've already ordered take-out. Actually, that is a great analogy for this particular situation. If we know anything about me, it is that I have never claimed now or ever to "understand" people or how they work or what makes them tick or even what possesses them to hold certain expectations over other people. Anyway, I am not real prepared to go into details. Sooo...

I guess we just twiddle our thumbs or something 'cuz I got nothin'

All-Purpose Flounder

Ha-ha See-food, flounder, get it? 

I do crack myself up some days. Most days really...I have a lot of moments where my jokes are so inside that only my gynecologist gets them. I am not going to say hung up but I am still on about this purpose idea. There's a lot of facets to sift through with this. Well, at least for me...

Anyway, ever notice this on the side bar?

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children ...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's too many words to have tattooed anywhere...well, at least tastefully but I may have to copy it to a card and tape it to my coffee pot. I need to remember this more often.

We are all unique. Sometimes are harder than others for me to deal with my uniqueness...the unique details that are my life. Which reminds me how do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.  How to you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! (Insert rimshot here.)

Like right now, I would love to write out a fully thought out entry BUT my son is in the music room turning a desk into a bed. It's not so much the desk I am worried about. I can hear him now, but when he goes quiet there are all those buttons and knobs and cords and boxes to worry about. Since I can't finish my thought today, I'll just leave with a song.

What is my purpose? Or my perhaps my frustration is part of my charm.

Two Roads Diverged...because I couldn't use the camera properly. 

What is my purpose? It is an assignment of sorts that I was supposed to explore and report my answers to my sponsors. Honestly, the whole teleconference put a bad taste in my mouth. I think there is a whole unhealthy movement that asks people to kill every spiritual aspect of themselves and work themselves half to death. That's pretty much what was being said. Mom in the hospital, go to work. House in foreclosure, go to work. Entire family killed in a freak accident...go to work. No money for food....go to work. What's wrong with work you may be asking yourself at this point. Nothing...if you are getting paid. The work referred to in this little conference is direct sales work. So, working in this case entails driving to someone else's house and giving a demo and praying that someone buys something.

I fully resent the attitude amongst these so called leaders that if you aren't making money, then you must not be working. Perhaps, I am not a sociopath who wants to accost everyone I meet with a sales pitch. Prior to my current attachment, I had tried out a couple of other ones. If I had stuck, I would have been moderately successful but I just lacked the passion...didn't like that flavor of Kool-Aid. And no, I don't think sociopath is too strong a word. Think about it...when in your entire working life have you ever let your work bleed into everything. When I worked at Meijer, I certainly never spent every waking hour telling people about Meijer and what Meijer has to offer.

I am a smart woman. I have a business degree. I have a family. I have a life. I am not trying to be mean. I certainly know too that there will be throngs of people defending the lifestyle. I have not hit my mark two months in a row. I could have if I had made the additional purchase myself. I am not willing to do that. First of all, if I am always having to make up the difference then I am not a representative of a company I am a member of a shopping club. Secondly, it's irresponsible and tad dishonest to do so in my opinion. Irresponsible in that I picked up this gig to make money, so if I am not selling, I don't have money, so I would be spending money I don't have. Dishonest, in that the reflected sales numbers are artificial. I know that on a regular basis reps recruit other reps on the basis of their numbers...their padded numbers.

I have had people tell me that THAT is how sales works. I know most certainly it is not. My husband has never come home and said,"Hey honey, who do we know that could use a consultation about their employee benefits?" or "How do you feel about buying a schedule of quarter page ads so that I can hit my goals?"

I have done a lot of work. Here: www.GetCleverNow.com. and here www.facebook.com/CleverNow
I have built a pretty significant fan base in a short time too. There are a lot of hours in those activities. My husband has pointed out on more than one occasion that if I were in a real job I would be making money right now.

sigh, and therein lies the bigger problem. I looked at this line of work as an option because I live in a county with 9.4% unemployment. Actually, at the time I started this journey it was closer to 11%. I have pounded the pavement 'til I had blisters on my psyche. All this rejection takes a toll on a person. Someone told me not to take it personally, but I am not sure how that's supposed to work. If getting or not getting a job is based on me as a person and my skills, how is repeatedly not being the best person for the job NOT supposed to get to me?

I spent most of yesterday applying online for jobs I never thought I'd ever have to think about taking as a primary job since I have a college degree. I figure if they only want to pay 8-10 in a line where I used to make much more, I might as well just look at jobs that pay that low and require far less effort on my part.

I had built a couple of Amazon stores, and I was hoping to do something with them. Two go with the Clever business. One is additional organizing products, the other is a work around for out of country fans that I have. The third store I built is sitting at https://sites.google.com/site/nomorefacials/ it's incomplete. I know I am not the only one who doesn't get down with all this manufactured "girlfriend" bs. I just don't have the energy to keep working with no results.

In all of this I did have an idea for a marketing directory, but the cost is the killer. It's not super expensive, but my lack of technical prowess as far as truly knowing HTML, etc could elevate the cost substantially if I were to have to hire someone.

I wonder why I am given all these ideas but never the means to complete them?

What is my purpose? I couldn't really say anymore. I try to go with the flow, but anymore it takes a lot of effort to do that. I am grateful for a great many things, and even if I don't publish them everyday it doesn't mean they aren't there. I just can't get down with, get my head around certain more esoteric outlooks on life. Anyway...

As always, there is a song in my head. I am posting the acoustic version of "Jenny I Read" by Concrete Blonde. It's not as angrily intense as the original version, so I guess it's a bit like me :-P
I do like this song. I have since it came out. I always wished I could sound like Johnette. Enjoy!

Get Up! You're Asleep at the Wheel!

Written 1/11/11...


You pay a toll to get to heaven but on the road to hell there's none
Get up you're asleep at the wheel 

Bloodhound Gang

"Asleep at the Wheel"

Crazy, crazy week here in the den! Lots to be grateful for, like the meester (FINALLY) getting his Roland Vs, my insane book buying, Attic loving teens and general tomfoolery. He found the the Roland Vs on Craigslist and we had to drive out to the middle of nowhere to get them. (Seriously, if you are from these parts and know where Hetzler Road is, go down that road and don't turn 'til you're about to fall off the end of the Earth). If you don't know Roland Vs are electronic drums and they are far superior to the Yahama set that he used to have. Craigslist is alright...if you aren't doing business on this town's west end. 

Anyway, we ended up pretty ill that night for some reason. Still can't pinpoint a cause, but for future reference pray not to vomit BEFORE you pray for a return to health. Couldn't have that one both ways, and it really quite sucked. 

Ah, the insane book buy! I ordered a three books from Amazon: 

The Ten Commitments: Translating Good Intentions into Great Choices by David Simon 

because it is the book that the next ten weeks of Sundays revolves around. I have finished it already. It was pretty good. It looks at the Ten Commandments and translates each commandment into a commitment that we should make to ourselves. Sunday with Nancy was great and I am honestly looking forward to the next nine Sundays.

Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robbins and Joe Dominquez

My husband heard about this somewhere and we epically failed to find it locally so we ordered it. I have read two chapters. It's pretty heady stuff but it's where we are to be honest. The soul (sic) purpose of the book is to have you take a good hard look at where you are and where you want to be and what makes you tick and DO something about it it. It recommends reading the book through before commencing the exercises, so it may be awhile before I get to that part simply because being married sorta forces me to have to do the exercises with my husband. I mentally ticked through one of the exercises and felt pretty good about where we are. It has you inventory your belongings, your debts, etc and come up with the most accurate net worth statement you can. Who knew right around zero could feel sooo good!

Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Memoir by Dave Mustaine and Joe Layden

I needed a couple of bucks to get Super Saver Shipping. This book is currently being read by the other half with great fervor. I will also read it. I always thought Mustaine was dreamy.  

Then, I ordered from the Unity publisher's closeout sale

Crazy from the heat

Originally written 2/17/11....

LOL it's only about 60 out, but I drove home from my interview with the sunroof wide open and the tunes blaring! It's who I am really, just doing what felt right. I happened to be listening to NPD's new album, and I found myself liking these lines from "Someone Else" ALOT!

I'm not sure I would be any assistance
I'm quite sure I would just add to resistance
So I won't strive for anything
So failure doesn't have to begin

I think they just hit me differently because of where I was mentally. My job interview when alright. All I can do it tell 'em what I know and hope it's what they want. Besides, I'm not super sure that I belong in that line anymore. It's okay it happens. Anyway, if you would like to hear the rest of the song "Someone Else" you can catch it here: en(p)de

Promote Your Page Too

Coming off of that interview, I am in a weird place. I could do that job with one lobe tied behind my back. A growing obser

The Question: Sheer Heart Attack

Originally written 4/12/11

The answer: What I am about to have or a Queen album?

Five O'Clock bedtime...

Written 4/27/11...not sure why I have so many unposted drafts!!

So, yeah, I just put my boy to bed at five in the afternoon, and I am ready to head that way myself.

Remember what I said about being discontent last night? Well, this is one of those moments. One of those days really where I was tricked earlier into thinking that everything would be okay. We went to the Boonshoft and hung out for a little bit with minimal incident. Stopped off at the store on the way home, no problems. Came home threw together a batch of baked shells while he ate a snack and watch his show.

There we were hanging out in our living room, and then suddenly diapers were flying everywhere and a timeout was issued. From there wow, totally downhill...if he wasn't throwing something, he was dragging appliances (namely the ice cream maker) out of the pantry or rummaging through the fridge. I tried to engage in him something...anything but he just wouldn't go for any of it. Very frustrating...and the final straw his pummeling windmill action. I scooped him up and put him in his bed.

Most of days are some variation of this. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. I really would probably fall asleep if I put on my pjs and curled up in my bed. Sad. Very Sad. But also probably a good idea because if he stays asleep, he will probably be up about 5am and since I am the only one here, I'd be the one getting up.

I really feel like I am not doing something right here. The teenager never talks to me. I was hoping that baked pasta would lure her down here. It did long enough for her to serve herself and go back to her room. The toddler is just exhausting. His hearing is extremely selective. My kids live under the same roof and rarely interact with each other. From the way she acts, I am fairly certain that my daughter is just biding her time until she can leave.

DJ Mashups: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Rapture

Written 5/23/11, unfinished....

So, the first wave of the Rapture has come and gone. Saturday morning, I had found a mashup by Go Home Productions called "Rapture Riders on the Storm" (Blondie v. The Doors) and it helped get that particular Blondie song out of my head.

All and all it has been a pretty good week or so, lots and lots going on, so no time to play blogger.

Kings of Leon - Pyro (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Kings of Leon

When the whole Rapture thing was getting a lot of press earlier in the week, I honestly kept thinking about this video. I have probably listened to this a million times since last Wednesday. I like it. It makes sense.

One of the most profound epiphanies of that last week is that we really need to get out of this town. We have been saying that for awhile but I don't think we ever realized why or how deep seated the idea was with us. It's not just that we've barely seen sun in the last three months. There are so many other factors.

1. The end is near. Now, I don't actually literally believe that. I honestly take all of that in from a metaphysical, metaphorically, cosmological standpoint. Rapture is an expansion of consciousness. I don't exactly live in an area of the world that welcomes that sort of thinking. (BTW, Pat, I finally picked up a copy of Celestine Prophecy.)
2. 
   

_ool. You know what is missing? Me!

Written 7/27/11 but not finished...

Just got back from my first trip to the revamped Kettering Rec Center. I didn't expect that I would be back this early. I was fully intending to linger my way into my husband cooking dinner or if I was really lucky deciding that we should just go out.

Before I get into my thoughts, I feel like I should qualify things. I am a loooooooooooooongtime patron of the rec pool. I remember when all there was, was the pool. I remember when Water Raves opened. I enjoyed many, many days there with my daughter when she would still be seen in public with me.

My daughter went there right after it opened. Her review was a scathing panning of the new setup, notably the decision to remove the playground and sand area. She hasn't been back since. Come to think of it, that means her friends haven't either. Not surprisingly, Teen night was canceled due to lack of interest. I shrugged off her review as a malcontent teenager syndrome. Now that I've been I'd be pretty pissed off too if I were her.

My daughter's opinion aside, I also had heard from another parent that she didn't like it. It was nerve-wracking but she also said that she was a bit of a helicopter parent, so it might have just been her.

If I never set foot in that place again it would suit me just fine. I should have known something was amiss when I pulled and actually found a parking spot straight away, especially at nearly one o'clock!

It was just me and the boy. We paid and went in. I was not prepared for the shock of it. Nor was a prepared to not be able to find a decent place to sit. Gone is the hill. Gone is the area around the lower pool. Gone is the sand, replaced by a concrete seating area that didn't really replace the former spaces.

The playground has been replaced by a "splash" pad. For money, and coincidentally it was, I would have rather seen them develop a sprayground at Wenzler or Irelan or one of centrally located parks. It has a weird aquatic, nautical theme and it's not nearly big enough for the volume of kids that are there. It's also not very toddler friendly. Even with a parent. Mostly it seems that a lot of sprayers are aimed in such a way that they nail a small kid...or even my kid. He wasn't impressed. Surprising to me, considering that he spends most of his days asking to go to the nearby sprayground in Oakwood.

The one of the more enduring things about the old set up was the graduated depth pool. It was big enough that folks could have fun and not be on top of each other but small enough that you could manage your children and still enjoy yourself. One end has been replaced with a vortex which is a mechanical re-creation of the whirlpool my brothers and I would spend inordinate amounts of time creating and maintaining. It would probably be fun if people weren't packed into like sardines in oil.
The other end is now the splash area for the two new slides. And smack in the middle is the behemoth creation with slides and a giant dumping bucket and no clear sight lines for parents.

It is extremely difficult to maneuver around now. This is a combination of the people sometimes three to six rows deep who come to the pool merely to beach themselves at the edge from open to close and the swarms of motherless children. Seriously folks, if you only want that much water to cultivate your skin cancer in go buy a slip n' slide with a splash pool. Oh and don't give me or my kid a dirty look when we accidentally splash you trying not to step on your fat ass. If you want to do us all a favor, go retrieve your kids and teach them some manners!

Crazy from the heat or just crazy?

The last couple of days have begged that exact question.  I don't know I could through in a line or two about the best laid plans and add a bit about this or some other thing. It doesn't really matter what I say...or do...it is what it is.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that maybe all of this so-called work is for naught. I mean, if you want to look at things from a certain perspective then...what we are looking at is this moment right now being part of some divine plan. Filtering through all that information, of which I have more than I care to know most days. I can't help but come to the same conclusion,"Shit. We're Fucked!"

Now before you start thinking that's a bit maudlin, consider this gem I heard recently. At any given moment, you are doing the best that you can. If you could do better, you would. So, all of this feeling like I am spinning my wheels, working in a vacuum, somehow black-balled from life...it's the best I can do. Depressing. Bloody depressing.

By that logic, all of the things that I thought were goals or dreams or aspirations are really just torture devices. All that I ever thought I could do then is an illusion, because if I am doing the best that I can at any given time...my best has never been good enough for much of anything. So what's the point of waking up every morning? Seriously, if this is the best I can do...and it's uncomfortable and all attempts to change the situation have no effect...why bother?

Thinking about it a different way. If was meant to be successful at anything, wouldn't it have happened by now? I am sitting a situation now where I can not find a job. Actually, I've given up looking. I would get interviews and they'd want to pay me about $10k/year less than I was making. Experience means nothing. Go ahead, hire those diploma mill girls that couldn't code their way out of a wide open space. Let alone, effectively appeal a bad claim adjudication in less than one hundred steps. When I expanded my search, it wasn't any easier. I am what I am. I am whip smart with a strange bend for logic and patterns and I can't help but to question. It doesn't mean that I am not a team player. It means that I want to make sure I am on the right team.

I have really been struggling with "fitting in". I effin' feel like I am in high school anymore. I would like to be social but alas no one will have me. Okay, not no one so don't bitch at me in email that I said, you know what I mean so don't jump my backside for it. Thank god for my family because without them I really would be alone. My husband says I expect too much from people, which is to say, that I expect them to be on my level or trying to be. I can't help it. I try to take people for who they are, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around certain things about people. I try to look for the sameness but inevitably they always amplify the difference.

I gets pretty old when people call you and all they really want to do is tap the vessel of your great knowledge. Am I the only one who has heard of the internet and knows how to use it? Seriously. Go to Google and play around. That's I how I came to be this wealth of useless information. First, it was books, now it's the internet. Plus, it doesn't make me feel better when someone calls and goes on about how smart or whatever I am. It makes me feel pretty abysmal some days. Especially on the occasions that the knowledge request is job related. So let me get this straight...I can do other people's jobs for them but I don't get any reward from that.

So yeah, I am leaning toward the heat having nothing to do with the wacky mad as a hatter way I have been feeling. I wish there was an emoticons for the twisty thing my face is doing right now. Life's penchant for nihilism rears it's head again...

When I run out of subject lines does it mean the party is over?

I know I mentioned awhile back that I was going to be changing up the format on here and posting more regularly. I guess I lied. Well, not intentionally, I just am finding that plan does not in fact lead to success.

I shouldn't post on a night like this. I just feel really. Dead.

I always feel like Sisyphus. No one ever knows who the hell that is so then I feel even more alone in the world. Lonely, isolated, living in a vacuum. I know it gets old doesn't it?

I am tired of putting my heart into things and never having them take off. I am tired of hearing that one must step out of their comfort zone to find what ever it is they are seeking. Honestly, at this point, my comfort zone is a pretty wide place, what am I supposed to be a drug king pin or something?

I can't buy in to a lot of things lately. God. The American Dream. My own dreams. This town recovering. The idea that things will get better. The notion that the love you take is equal to the love you make. Diet Dr. Pepper tasting as good as regular Dr. Pepper.

It gets to you after awhile.

When I woke up this morning,  I was ready for a great day. I don't know what happened. Well, not entirely. I was very bummed to have a message from the super secret group that the cafe was going to be closed indefinitely. Par for the course tho in this town something awesomely cool comes along that me and the mister enjoy and someone comes along and fucks it all up.


Sigh................................................................................................................................................

I know I am boring everyone with my malaise. Sorry.

I don't know how I am supposed to get from here to there. There being this ever evolving plan to have a couple of well-thought out regularly posted blogs. This blog would go closer to its roots as a kindness in giving sort a thing with one day being for some specific spiritual type subjects I have been itching to write about, one day for basically giving shout-outs to people I know who have wares they are peddling 'cuz every little link helps (right?) and the third day would be more like this used to be where I posted specific opportunities for giving but unlike before I am not going to try to be middle of the road, I'm gonna post what I like and who I think people should support 'cuz it's my blog. GetCleverNow.com is going to start being less and less about the clever container products and more and more about getting one's shit together in general. I'll still offer the products but they won't be the focus. I actually have one other partially defunct blog that I was going to resurrect and post three days a week with more of a family theme...actually, specifically, I was going to have Mommy Mondays, Wifey Wednesdays, and I forget what Friday was but it was cool.


I may just use the GetCleverNow.com to cover all of that. It would certainly be less posting. IDK, not very good at turning ideas into action anymore. Plus, there is that whole disappointing aspect of no readership. I had a blog for nearly three years I think, and as far as I know I had one regular reader. Some guy in St.Louis who just happened to find it flipping thru blogs.


Anyway...now would be a good time to go to sleep.

Belated Greeting and Insomniac Salutations...

So, I missed posting on Independence Day.Sad, because I could have prewritten something and scheduled it.
It is probably better that I didn't. Feeling diatribe-ish lately in case you hadn't noticed.

Hope that everyone had a nice holiday. We did okay. It was a strange and somewhat surreal weekend to be perfectly honest.

Friday was a bit of a let down because I had been anticipating some things that did not happen as expected. Went to the Dragon's game Friday night which was good, but I just wasn't into it. Having a lot on my mind and dealing with the kids and whatnot just doesn't make for a good time.

Saturday is somewhat of a blur. Dropped the baby off at my mom's (the oldest was already there) so that I could accompany my husband to a gig in Cincy. Aside from feeling like one of the longest days of my life, it was also one of the more disappointing. I'd like to have it stricken from the record.  Literally so much happened between the time I got up on Saturday morning until I went to bed Sunday morning that to write it all out here would sound like a David Foster Wallace novel.

The blur continued on Sunday. Took the long way home from mom's which was an interesting journey, but mostly I was just thankful not to be driving the highway. I can't remember what I even ate for dinner that night.

And just to continue the theme, yep, yesterday was non-eventful and blurry too. Sadly, the fireworks were a bit of a bust IMO too. They got started late. The time was a little choppy. The crowd was far more annoying than I remember.

Uninteresting.

Something shifted.

Or maybe it's just me...

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves and Other Great Lies.

I am not in a good place tonight. Scarfing down an Endangered Species Chocolate Bar. Dark Chocolate with Almond and Cranberries to be exact, purchased because it has my picture on it LOL

God helps those...
I don't know where that started. I don't know if maybe it used to be true. I don't know if I can restrain hitting the next person I ever hear say that. When you first hear it, you feel a little uplifted. It might even help you get through a tough time. Then, one day the F-bombin' fit hits the shan. And you try and you try and since things are still reasonably together you give thanks and keep trying, not thinking that for all your efforts you are going to wake up one day making substantially less, all of your saving depleted, scraping by. I don't know why the universe keeps choosing to flip me the bird, because I certainly don't feel that way about the universe. The worst part of today was not the disappointment at a glimmer of hope being nothing more than smoke and mirrors. The worst part of the day was getting in the car and looking at the welfare mom and her six kids that we are supporting.

Uneffin believable. Sigh. I feel so isolated. I remember reading something the other day from Queen of Your Own Lifein their facebook feed. I don't know the exact quote but it was something about sharing your life because it helps others or some such touchy feely horse hockey. I don't really have anyone that I can or that I have really talked to about everything that is going on. The drop of income that we had is more than some couples make together in one year. And (heavy sarcasm alert) stupid us we socked away a shit ton of money and paid off the credit cards, so we never went into a full on crisis mode. We cashed out everything paid off the cars and prayed to whatever gods would listen that we could make it until things got steady again. Not exactly a story many people can relate to or even listen to without a fair amount of resentment welling up or a little thought in the back of their head that we are somehow bragging.

Another day like today and my eyes will roll to the back of my head permanently. I just don't get it. If I were to watch Idiocracy right now, I'd probably kick the shit out of my tv. Which would be a feat since it sits on top of our highboy in the bedroom. So sick of these setbacks they are really overshadowing and dampening the goodness in our lives.

The moral of the story so far this week is inspired by my husband who was talking about this scene from Half Baked:

In case, you are wondering, you're the old guy..cuz you're reading this so you're cool.

These pretzels are making me thirsty...

I don't know why I picked that. Probably because it is one of the last times I am going to random with my blogs. I had an epiphany today. Goood god I have no idea why it took so long for these certain things to click. A little slow on the uptake Jen, a little slow on the uptake.

I never really intended this to be a rambling, personal blog. I actually had that in Chisel Point for Deeper Penetration. I could go back there for that sort of thing. Anyway, I really did have a theme and a plan and I just didn't know how to execute it. Or perhaps, on a divine level, it just wasn't my time. Well, now is the time and over the next couple weeks there are going to be changes here. nothing drastic, but certainly noticeable.

Today has been fantastic.

To post or not to post, that is the question in this SEO crazy social media mixed up world.

Something that I have on my toolbar that most people don't is SEO tools. My husband's old job required them, I learned to use them. I can't help it I am an information junkie. I like to know things.

So, I am getting some business related things together and looking at options. It is not until you really start looking that you see how full of snake oil the entire internet is. People claiming certain following on Facebook and LinkedIn and Twitter and whatnot, but then to look at their site through the SEO tools... well, pure crap plain and simple.

I am not trying to be rude but if your page rankings are abyssmal and your FB page has more commercial graffiti than Times Square what really is the benefit of jumping on your advertising specials? Wouldn't I be better off putting my hard earned dollars to work in something as silly as the Coffee News? You might laugh, but I pick one up every time I see one. It's something idle to look at and they do get me everytime which is more than I can say for most online sites.

I don;t know. I am into some really good stuff and I just don't want to waste my money on some dark corner of the internet. I have kids, I don't really need to try to throw money away they do it for me :)

In other news, I am totally off schedule and wondering if a long meditation tomorrow would sync me back up. I totally understand the whole guru fascination at times like these...

Anyway...random...sorry...

Lit in the Middle...

First, can I just say that the new Tabasco Buffalo Sauce is awesome? I have been pouring it on top of ranch dressing and dipping pretzels in it.

Feels a bit lately like some one saw both ends of my candle lit so they lit it in the middle to be a smart ass. It's not a complaint, more of an observation. Lots and lots to keep me busy which is always better than boredom, I just haven't quite got a handle on everything.

We were in Chicago over the weekend and the weather was fantastic! I can't say so much for here. It rained most of the day yesterday. Today, well, it was pretty gloomy to start. One of the things that attracts me about moving Southwest is the sun. I don't do so well anymore with gray skies. They are just not acceptable...maybe this positive thinking has gone overboard.  Anyway, weather wise today was humid and yucky and not very sunny.

Got together with some Clever girls this evening. It was nice. Mostly just rehashed convention for those who weren't there. I am still very excited about this company. I just wish I could get some movement and get on the board! I have been having a goofy month because I canceled the open house and have not rescheduled it. I was going to do it this weekend, but part of me wants to hold off 'til the new catalog is released in July. I really just need to get my butt in gear and get moving.  I need to sell $150 a day til the end of the month to make my goal. Seems easy, right? I hope so.

The trip knocked me off center. I am not very solidly centered yet as far as most things go and I get knocked off track pretty easily. Scheduling is hard to nail down when there are other people in your life. I am aiming toward setting some working hours of 5a-7a and again from 3p-4p. These are mostly for me to do administrative things and honestly some housework. Shifting to an early wake seems better than staying up too late. Eventually, I would just go to be earlier and everything would work out.

Everything is going to work out. I just have to have patience.

I'm doing better thanks for asking!

Okay, so I am up past midnight and I need to be in bed fast asleep but other than that I am doing much better than I was oh say a week ago. At least right now I am, and that's really all I can look at is right now.

I came down to write because I was laying there thinking about Qigong. Now, I don't really know anything about Qigong. I can't even define it. I can only say that I clicked through a series of links awhile back for some Qigong healing something or other. It was intriguing enough (and free) so I tried to follow what they were doing. You had to state your intention to join in the healing at the prescribed time and then during that time you had to meditate or relax so that you could more easily receive the energy.

One particular thing I remember about all the rules were that you could not state an intention for someone else because the flow of energy would basically freak them out.  Or at the very least you had to be careful about the way you did it. Anyway, on some level my cursory knowledge of this ancient Chinese secret sounds an awful lot like prayer...when done on a high than I want this I want that level.

Is it a coincidence that the more spiritually connected I become the more interested in science I seem to be? Physics particularly. I don't know. I never took it in high school or college. It always seemed beyond my reach. Then again, so did any sort of belief in any higher power.

If the Qigong healing is working and you are feeling all wonky from the inflow of healing energies would not positive, loving prayers utter by you or on your behalf by others have the same effect? And if people were praying for you and you were not receptive to the energy, wouldn't that surge be a little unsettling? How would you react? Lots of very interesting stuffs swirling around my head. I would like to be eloquent enough to have conversations about these things but alas lately there seems to be a traffic jam from my brain to my mouth.

I know this is quite a turn from my last post. I would love to get into what changed, but as I tried to recount the chain of events to a friend the other night...well, it sounded completely unbelievable and I don't want to diminish the importance this has to be by putting it up to other people's judgments. I have been feeling better everyday. I don't like being in that other place. I like it like this. This is the me I have been missing. You know the one that wants to talk about spiritually, religion and quantum physics at o'clock in the morning.

Oh, I still get bogged down at times. It's all part of life. I read a great anecdote about a storm coming through and the next morning there being a lot of debris around this particular tree. A child asked if the storm had hurt the tree because of the volume of leaves and branches that had been knock out by the storm. The child's father answered that it had not, that it was probably in better shape now because the storm had cleared dead growth from the tree. It went on to counsel that at stormy times of life we are a lot like that tree. We get beaten and battered by the winds of the changes in our lives but once the storm clears we usually find that we have knocked loose old habits, old attitudes, and other things that no longer serve us, making us better, making us stronger.

That's what I am thinking about, what do you think?