If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, August 29, 2011

Love it or leave it, you better gang way You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play

Now that I may have gotten "Ice Ice Baby" stuck in your head...

I am not trying to complain but I am tired. So, flippin' tired. Granted, I had a busy action packed weekend. Hit the Oktoberfest at Germania Park in Cincy on Friday. Totally spur of the moment, and totally fun. Me and my twisted sense o' humor couldn't help thinking of some sort of old Nazi prop film when I was watching my son ride around on the kiddie cars. Best strudel I have had in years too! Saturday we had a birthday party which got me talked into a girl's night. Good times, some disturbing moments but overall good times. Ever run into someone who is a shadow of themselves? Soo very sad to see. Sunday we ran out to Englewood and let Boogie throw rocks in the river at the canoe take-out. Then Chinese takeout from Peking Garden.

That then brings us to today. Monday, monday, yep you can't trust this day! So yeah, I am tired. Been toolin' around the house trying to make some sense of all these messes. My house always drives me crazy. We have 9 rooms, 2 bathrooms and 2 long hallways. Three if you count the stairs, ugh, didn't think about those. For the most part 7 of those rooms are I guess my responsibility as the mom. Ah, and for the most part I have completely shirked on that responsibility.

We have lived here for a year and a few days. I was on top of things up until Ryan lost his job. It didn't all fall apart then, but it was definitely interrupted by a complete and total schedule change. The other thing that impedes progress is that is somehow seems that completely unpacking and sorting everything is my jurisdiction. That being said, even a year later, there are untouched boxes. I don't so much mind the unpacking. I mind being put in this position where I have to decide what the hell to do with everything. I have made leaps and bounds in getting rid of excess junk but it wears me out.

It leads me some days to wonder if I even speak English. I know that I have explicitly asked for other people to assist me in this process. I know that have made clear that something is how it is because I do not have any place to put it storage-wise. I know I tried to get others to understand that I am only human and that I only have the same 24 hours everyone else has. Some days, it makes me miss the little house. At least, I could keep that clean. At least, everything had a place there...even if it was a hiding place.

Often it does feel like what life expects from me is to slave away and never have any fun. All work. All the time. I really want to like this house as much as I did when we first walked in to it over a year ago. I want to love it as much as I loved our old house...or my old condo. I want this to feel like home... moreso than it does right now. Right now, it feels like a big burden with too much dust and not enough decor.

Seriously, I am not trying to complain. I am really just trying to figure out how to make a change. There are places in this house that drive me absolutely crazy...the laundry room...the back room...the top of the stairs. I feel really defeated because I have a lot of time in the past several weeks trying to declutter and organize and it doesn't look like it one bit. It's an uphill battle to do it during the day for the most part. That hill is named Wesley and he can undo in one minute something that took hours to set up. By the time that I have back up I am too damn spent to take on some of these tasks. I have tried to get my husband and daughter to help but they have obstinate personalities in that they won't just do what I ask they always want to do it their own way. (Ask my husband if I didn't tell him for future reference that putting all of the toys in the playpen is valid grounds for divorce.) I don't mind people doing things their own way, it's just that our house is in dire need of a good solid couple of days of work and no one seems willing to do that.

Well, my daughter is here telling me about how she needs a butterfly tattoo and how it is for a good cause!

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