|It's colder from this bowl.|
So, I know I missed my day so I didn't accomplish my days in a row for posting these ramblings. The past several days have been a blur. A deconstructionist art film blur.
I am really not having fun.
Like there is this level of ickyiness where I can still enjoy myself to some extent. It's place where maybe some things are hard or not working out right or whatever, but it's still a'ight. This is not one of those times. This is not even one of those times where I can pretend that it is one of those times.
I sometimes wish that I knew what it was like to be one of those people who has boundless faith. It's late and I am not looking to get into a theological discussion BUT... Just read this objectively. I keep thinking about all that I have heard or read or whatever about getting centered yada-yada-yada. Be still and know and all that good stuff. Least that's what they tell me. So, when I am still I find that it's me alone in a room and that I know nothing. If you take anything from this, don't ever tell someone that you feel the way I have just described unless you know they can wrap their head around it. See, those boundless faith sort of people, they can't imagine what I describe. It sucks. Especially when you are married to it.
I am what I am and I don't know what that is anymore. That plays a big factor in my previous paragraph. There are a great number of things over the past several months that seemed like Kismet, like they were prescribed to happen by some higher power. I rolled with it. Things seemed to fall into place magically and easily. But then now here I am down the road a little further and it seems more like I am actually not down the road at all. It's like I have been spinning my wheels in a gigantic mud puddle, and I have stayed perfectly still.
I slept horribly last night. Physically very comfortably because I slept downstairs where it is cooler, but my dreams were super messed up and disjointed. I am so out of whack these days. Sometimes, I can't get to sleep because I am still tense from the day. My boy is a handful and a half and I have days where he's completely frazzled me by 9am and I still have 12 hours left in the day with him. Other days it's mental noise. Tonight, it's a bit of both.
Took the kids out this afternoon but we weren't out very long because my son decided to have a be all end all sort fit at the store. You know what someone doesn't need when that happens? An entire store full of people disapprovingly death-staring you down while you try to assuage a kicking, screaming, howling, hyperventilating child. So, there's the physical tension part, it blew me for the rest of the day. The mental is the whole job, financial, what to do, what to do aspect of my life.
I don't get it. I have taken advantage of opportunities to build revenue streams. Nada. I have applied for jobs that I have experience in. Zip. I have applied for jobs that I have no experience in. Zilch. I have applied for full-time jobs. Zero. I have applied for part-time jobs. Nothing. How am I supposed to keep on swimming when the water is receding?
And another thing...how am I supposed to not take things personally. I have far passed a point where I can keep my self-esteem intact. I feel so dumb, so helpless, so untalented, so worthless anymore. I am exhausted. I don't do well when things get wildly chaotic in unfun ways. We had just gotten ourselves into a place of relative piece of mind, at least, as far as I am concerned. Then...now...this...so much for all that hard-work. I am not a person who is built for constant, relentless rejection.
Since misery loves company, I'm going to go talk to the dog. He understand 'cuz every time I ask him how life is, he answers "Ruff!"