My obession with provision...

If you read the last post you will know that I quit my job.

Honestly, I had thought about calling this post "No Applause, Just Send Money." With an obligatory link to my PayPal account, of course.

So, um, yeah, I quit a job without having a job. Really though, it is just something I do. I don't stay where I am not happy. I don't pretend to play "the game" well so what's the point? I really liked my job...up until the point that they decided to invoke abuse the "other duties as necessary" clause and put me into a hell that I readily declined multiple times. What do I mean by that? Well, I was doing a job a company with a few different departments. Prior to being called about the job that I did have, I had people crawling out the wood work trying to place me in a job in a different department. A job that I would wouldn't touch with a rented stick, mind you. So fast forward to this position that I did take and all of it's awesomeness to find one day that "business need" , oh and a dry budget, precipitate the move to this line I so graciously denied like honestly at least 20 times (which in a town this size that's like thousands). Anyway, long story short I tried to roll with it and it wasn't happening so I took a step in faith and quit.

Deep breath.

I am not so good doing things by faith. Sure, I felt fantabulous quitting and motivated and alive and yada yada yada but once the initial energy and life's unique inability to mimic my fantasies set in...it got ugly...in my head. In the two weeks since I quit, I have not only regretted quitting this job but also every job move that I have made since 11th grade. Wonderfully neurotic, I know. I am working on it.

The first week of freedom...I was golden.

The second week...I was okay.

This week...um...I'll get back to you.

I spent the first week immersed in unfinished projects, full of bravado and confident that I was making good choices. Well, until that Thursday when my last paycheck hit and I examined the situation as far as food and bills and what not went.  Then, then, then, well, I felt a bit of remorse...which spiraled out of control.

So between that little bit of remorse and my obsession, I felt so awful. I was trying to search things to help me but I just couldn't find the right keywords. One night, on Twitter of all places, someone posted something with the hashtag provision. Yep. That's it. That's the word I was looking for.

As I have previously mentioned, I am horribly human in things of faith. My monkey-mind sometimes has a hard time wrapping itself around the idea that no matter what I do or don't do, it'll get taken care of. I am learning but it is such a process!

I have two choices right now: I can completely and totally freak the hell out and spiral out of control in a fit of anxious unhingement or I can take a deep breath and trust that everything that needs to be taken care of will, when it needs to be.

I am not gonna sit here and say that it is easy for me to not completely spaz out. It is not. What does it solve though? Nothing. If anything it complicates every thing. I am so done with complication. I just want peace.

I have been praying and praising and counting blessings where ever I find them. Choosing to walk in light, because quite frankly they lied about the dark side having cookies and I can't live in a world without cookies.

It's different.

Different is good.

God is good.

All the time.

I hope you can find that too. 

First day of the rest of your life or end of the world? It is such a fine line.

Seriously, it is.

Quit my job on Monday. I should write more about that.

I had every faith that everything would work out. Then, I did the math.

I have ideas. I have had them. Execution eludes me though.

Did I just get out of a bad situation and open up a stream of positivity that I will surf into opportunity or did tie weights to my family's ankles and hurl them into shark-infested waters? Time will tell I suppose.

I can tell you right now all I can hear is the Jaws theme and I don't know what to do about it. 

$10 a day, any suggestions?

Okay, so my husband and I figured out this evening that after taxes, daycare, gas, food and the reckless spending that happens when we are both working that I make not a lot of money. Like seriously, if I quit and collected $10 worth of scrap metal everyday I would be doing better off than I am in my current job. So I have been sitting here brainstorming what legal and socially acceptable ways could I stay home and make the same amount of money.

It feels like I have been here before. Such a small gap to cover and now that I have put it out there the direct sales ladies are going to come out of the woodwork. I am not opposed to direct sales but there are only two I would consider right now. I am actively talking with one and the other is just whim. I like a lot of things about direct sales and there is a lot I don't like so I have to be sure that I can balance those aspects and make it be what I need it to be.

I suppose I could have a big garage sale before the end of summer. It would certainly pare down the clutter in this house and provide a lump of cash. I would think I could get enough cash from a sale like that to cover my Macy's card which would in turn be one less thing to worry about.

Someone suggested babysitting. I don't think I could do that. I don't know. I like kids but I always feel way less comfortable with other people's kids. Most people do not talk to nor want other people to talk to their children as if they are actually small, highly intelligent humans. Also, as far as kids go, I do tend to have a bit of a nothing to fear but fear itself attitude. It has only resulted in one emergency room visit in 17 years of motherhood which is pretty good really. I might consider it on a limited basis but it would totally have to be for the right people. Seriously, if there was some Lord of the Flies daycare franchise, I would be a good fit with the mission and vision of that organization.

I have thought about an eBay store. It seems like work, like a lot of work, and not necessarily rewarding. It certainly would feed my shopping habits to have a place to unload my merchandise. I mean I bought $400 in dresses at Goodwill last week, some still with the tags on them, and I am not going to wear them. I could easily sell them for $25 a pop with free shipping and be money ahead. Plus, this house is chock full of odds and ends that have got to be worth something to someone. I might have to research that some more. Any experience there? Good or bad, I would appreciate the feedback.

I did mention scrap metal. I wish I had my van still, I would totally be a picker. One man's trash really is another man's treasure...they just need a broker to get them connected. I saw aluminum was like .52 a pound the other day. I need to get in shape anyway so maybe I throw the boy in the jogging stroller and we clean the highways and biways of this town and any place else we can find.

I know to some people it seems silly. Like why wouldn't I just work a job, just suck it up and deal with being an underpaid, indentured servant to some vapid corporation? Well, because it just doesn't work. I have long thought that if people sat and took a long hard look at the cost of working and had just a smidgen of faith about God providing that a lot more couples would go old school if you will. Well, assuming that both parties are mature adults.

When I was at home before, I totally loved it. It was more rewarding than any job I ever had. When I saved money someone else genuinely cared that I saved money. When I found a new use for things someone genuinely was impressed. When I had a screw off day and didn't do my work and just kind of chilled, no one wrote me up or threatened to fire me. It's not easy being home, especially for someone who has always worked a J-O-B.

I will fully admit that there was a time when I was at home before where I did feel drifty and purposeless. That was something I had to work through because it seemed like for most of my life everyone pushed me into the idea that I had to work and I had to succeed and that smart girls did not become housewives. Whoever is propagating that bs needs a severe beating! How messed up is it to say that I would be better for my children if I was not involved in their lives on a much more intimate and meaningful level as a stay at home mom? I wish I had spent more time with my daughter when she was younger rather than pursuing material stuff I wasn't really even that into. I can totally see how that might have benefited her. Sigh.

So, here I am. I have a testing situation and an interview tomorrow. Three different positions, two different companies. I have the opinion of my husband that even if I don't get job x (the most flexible of the jobs) that I should quit my current job. Even with job x this idea of making $10 a day is feasible, I just would have to cover less days. I don't know what to do.

I don't have a magic ball.

I don't have a winning lottery ticket.

I don't have non-gappy, solid work history.

I am pretty smart though.

I am pretty creative too.

I also have some pretty intelligent and creative friends.

Oh, and there is that rich Father who loves me. It may sound hokey to some but I can do nothing but look at my life and see how God provides. So, here's to being like the lillies and the birds I guess and seeing what adventure comes up next.

What would you do to make $10 a day?

My quick rendition of lillies. 

Feelin' Like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video

Life is pretty plain and I wish I could say it wasn't raining in Ohio.

In a smart aleck move, I posted this to my FB as a public the other day:

Because I posted it as public it posted to my Twitter account. It got a little bit of response that and it is the which is prompting this.

First of all, Twitter still mostly alludes me. I kinda get it but I think I built my base to fast to be able to adequately function as a Tweeter. Plus, in all my Twitter experience I have noticed a large amount of... I don't know what to call it...but it's like if you crossed a leech with with an ad man and a total star fucker. Yeah, pretty fake.


Soo, when I got retweeted and subsequently followed, sigh, honestly, I thought it was some hapless hiphopper who had a good social media person. It's not racist, it's the logical conclusion of someone who has spent time doing the social media for a musician who happens to specialize in electronic music. And in normal, mistrusting gifted kid fashion I mostly ignored it until I could get more information.

So, @The_Real_Gifted's profile takes you to http://fuckyeahintellectualgiftedness.tumblr.com/ and I am all about it....of course, until it gets what it wants and leaves me sitting alone at the lunch table because the major book report is done and gone.

You know, it is not something I talk about in my life...I was in and got kicked out of the gifted program when I was a kid. I didn't get kicked out because I wasn't gifted anymore. I got kicked out because I wanted out and no one would let me and I figured out exactly what I needed to do to get the boot. I have had some slight discussions with former compadres and my brothers (both of whom were also in the gifted program which begs the question about the standards of my school's program). It's awkward and tentative, the way people relate to each other after...well, the Holocaust comes to mind.

Curse and a blessing is the best way to describe it. Once upon a time I was considered the best and the brightest and I was going to curse cancer and solve world hunger and the whole 10 hot dogs/8 buns thing and life was going to be sunshine and puppies. But here I am on a Saturday, full of wine and remorse writing a blog that barely anyone will read. I always saw great irony in the fact that our "gifted" room was off in no man's land, next to the MH (Multi-Handicapped) room. Same stick, different ends really, and if some one would have guided me through baking and selling cookies, I honestly would probably be a better person for it.

I think the curse and the blessing of giftedness is a subject I would like to cover more. If I had anymore energy for school, I would hit a psychology degree. I've always thought it would be really, really interesting to research gifted children as adults. I probably would steal a line from a week at Governor's Summer Institute for Gifted and Talented Children...."Gifted, Talented, and Emotionally Disturbed" for the title. I think of my own class and the long, strange trip most of us have taken. For all the reinforced intellection, we seem to have really gotten short changed in coping and well, geez, I don't really have enough blog space to cover this subject.

Really, I just wanted to say that who ever you are and whatever is right with you, whatever is wrong with you, there are people out there just like you and whenever you find them you should hold onto them and give them all your attention and laugh at their jokes and be extra creepy to show you appreciation.

You may not want to take my advise there. As a former gifted kid, I may do things in a weird and creepy way because I think everyone vibrates at this high level.


But yeah, it's nice to know that there are others.

Lots and lots of other.

Maybe we can become a protected class and I can file for disability on account of I am a formerly gifted child who can not pass any of these damned pre-employment test as an adult on account of years of intensive training to see things from all angles so erything is gray in my eyes.

Your Wounded Inner Child, Austin Pike Interchange and This Stain on This Shirt

What are things that are bothering Jenny today?  I'll take what is she going to do about it
for two cents, Alex.

The biggest challenge of the day is my co-workers...again. I ended up having a chance in encounter with my supervisor in the hallway and mentioned to her somethings and magically it has quieted down for the rest of the day. Hopefully for good but we'll see. I am not going to replay the events but definitely some twisted inner child stuff going on with this crowd.

I am not saying I don't have my own issues. It is because I do that I can recognize it in others. I work hard to heal those wounds. The stuff at work picks at my emotional scabs sometimes. There was a moment this morning when I truly felt like I was back in elementary school. But then I remembered that I am an adult and I don't have to get sucked into someone else's game. It really is nothing more than a game...a game of defective characters and spiritual bankruptcy. I don't have the power to heal anyone but I am adding this to my list of things to pray for on behalf of certain coworkers. Peace and healing from old hurts so that they can progress in life and fulfill their potential.

Also, there is a tendency of certain people in this group to throw scripture into our team chats. I am not opposed to scripture. I am opposed to people going to BibleGateway.com and randomly searching a feeling. I am opposed to people not practicing what they preach. Not my place to judge, so this is merely an observation, I have noticed that several of these folks have stood up and openly claimed their Christianity, only to curse someone or gossip in the next breath. There are a number of commandments and not so commanded things being overlooked and ignored.

If I were to choose a general verse, I would pick Galatians 1:10 and paraphrase it,"I choose to be popular with God, not with men." I don't know why but I think of that often at work. But if I were to put something in the team chat to counter what they were posting, it would most definitely be something from Proverbs but I can't really be specific without grabbing my Bible. Proverbs is filled with verses about laziness and folly.

Sigh, then we had an added complication today that pretty much obliterated what was left of the morale of the few people who actually have been working and adhering to schedules, etc. I am done. I am getting a new job on Tuesday. It's not arbitrary, I have an interview, and I am pretty sure it is my job.

The whole Austin Pike interchange annoyance is just that it can be unduly complicated to get from 675 to my office some days. What a mess?!

I have no idea where the stain on this shirt came from. It's a yellow shirt so the stain is glaringly obvious.

Big sigh, outside of work, things don't suck. I think I am finally getting somethings through my head about the way things are and what I need to do. I need to stop settling and get into something somewhere where my obsessive need to do the homework and best the best that I can be is appreciated. Life is not something that is meant to be endured. Sure, it's a journey. Sure, sometimes it is difficult. But I don't think any of us are supposed to spend our days just waiting it out until death. But that's just me, I may be certifiable or something because as of late most people treat me like I am f'in crazy.

I don't really have a good prayer to write in this post. Got a lot of things on my list and I am going to go spend sometime  before bed unloading them. Probably listen to some harp music on youtube. I got turned onto it while my husband was away. This one is one of my favorites, although, I don't think I have ever listened to the whole thing as it seems to lull me to sleep fairly quickly.

Prayers because I haven't got something better to talk about....

Okay so if you know me, you've seen my self-indulgence posted on FB. If not, I posted this this morning:  

Seven and one half hours left in my shift. That is how bad it has become...the countdown starts seven hours early. It has hit a place where it takes every ounce of energy to stay positive. It is time to move on. I don't fit in this team and it has become glaringly obvious that my hard work, mastery of the information and dedication have all been for naught. Here's to a day spent praying I don't have to be here tomorrow and that the separation is amicable...and not the over the top Half Baked-esqe fantasy I am entertaining right now. Thank God it's Wednesday!

 I know some people can not fathom a job that makes you contemplate all that is good and holy in the world but that's where I am. Ceterus parabus, I do love my job. It is a strange and wonderful job that 100% meshes with the weirdness of my brain. I take seriously the company objective to be someone's solution and actually have this graphic as part of my repertoire of time wasting stuff to sametime my6 coworkers with with a work related not blasphemous addition of "How Would Jesus Chat?" added to the space at the left.

 

It is pertinent. I mean I hear people carry on in an embarrassing way about their interactions. But seriously, my main objective at my job is to help people in as much time as it takes, so why anyone has a salty attitude is beyond me. Yes, it can get tedious. But that's just because we deal with, well, I had 743 chats last month, that is believe you me the patience of Job times infinity. 

Like I said, I like what I do, who I do it with is something entirely different. I seriously did use a combination of the Iheartradio.com Christian channel and prayer and incantation to get through today.If I could keep my head buried in the screen and not worry about personalities...I would be content. I can not though, so it throws a bit of a monkey wrench. 

I did spend a lot of my day in prayer. What else was I going to to do to keep me sane, most of the internet is blocked. Later in the day there was some sort of strange movement...maybe my prayer, maybe my movement, who knows?! 

Since I left and as I have thought about it. It would be a good idea to move this Kindness in Giving page to sort of a prayer page. I have been a bit lax on the prayer tip.

In the interest of time  and the fact that I am uber tired, I am just going to pray for my team. God knows their hurts and what they need to heal. I have a lot more specific things to say but I am tired and will do it off blog.

What's on your mind? What do you want to pray for? 

Don't piss off the groupie...

So, I have had kind of a trying day. Seriously...work sucks in a I have the most production, this job totally meshes with my brain but I get no strokes, no kudos, no love sort of way. I have been looking forward to the fun and frivolity that is being a groupie. Show tonight in the dirty D, show tomorrow in Cbus. I have been looking forward to this.

So a good solid hour before last call...I get asked if I mind cashing out. Sure, why not since you don't seem to mind missing the damage I was planning to do. Why not, go ahead cash me out...oh and while you are at it when I go to the bathroom go ahead and clear the mfin table.

IT is not like this is primetime and you are trying to turn the table for Dufraines, party of four. Many of the people that are in your shitty establishment tonight, didn't come for you. They would not have ever had any motivation to visit this place in the middle of the urban wasteland that is Dayton, Ohio.

And now without the benefit of my liquid refreshment...i gotta wait around while the people who played haggle for what you said you would give them in the first f'in place.

It all makes me feel very, VERY Mr.Pink. Like really if you are going to be in the service industry and be this shitty...learn to type. An office job is a very steady gig and it saves you the negative karma of totally ruining the evening of someone who REALLY needed a night out.

I am so done with the dirty D and the less than stellar atmosphere. I have been trying to cut it some slack but tonight pretty much proved to me that like a lying, cheating boyfriend who says he has changed...this town is just as useless!

And on that note, sweet Cbus I am coming to visit tomorrow. Take my money and show me a good time. I am apparently not good enough to be entertained in Dayton.

Sitting alone on the front patio of a bar, not exactly how I envisioned my night. I could have stayed home for this!

Upwardly Mobile

So, yes, yes, I have been AWOL for a time. And yes, you were not imagining things, I did unpublish this blog.

Sometimes things go completely wrong, like a train wreck due to derailment. Shrug. I can't really explain everything that happened right now. I've really only shared it with two people. But I woke up one morning and the first thing on my mind was unpublish the blog. The second, I think, was oh snap I am late for work.

I come back to the blogosphere today because of something I read the other day.

Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn't become their future. –Jon Acuff

I have a lot of past. I have a lot of past that I would rather not talk about. I shut this thing down because I didn't feel like it represented anything that I wanted it to represent, and it didn't necessary speak how I wanted it to but there isn't any of us who is perfect so maybe I needed to get over my own delusions of grandeur. I do know that I do have a story and that yeah maybe there is a person or two out there who would actually appreciate the posts of despair because the only place to go from the bottom is up...or sometimes bottoms up but not the best idea.

Upwardly mobile. I chose that for the title today for multiple reasons. One, I got a new cell phone last weekend. It does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. Two, both my husband and I are in good places job-wise. We might even remember what true stability is like. Three, I have renewed my faith in God. He does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. (See one and two.)

There are a fair number of people in my life to which number three is met with sarcasm and an eye roll or something to that effect. To those people, I can only say...I will pray for you. I am not open for debate with someone who is not open to listening. Intellection only gets you so far...I know that for a fact. If you are too smart to know God, then well, I guess you are clearly a better person than me because I am pretty smart (by testing and not my own delusion) and I finally stopped wrestling with the idea and accepted that there is in fact a God.

Of course, the one step beyond for me is that I also for the first time in over 25 years (believe it or not) have actively been identifying as a Christian. No more of this weird pluralistic BS where I remain more neutral than Switzerland. I have studied, practiced, dabbled in a number of other options but still found myself going back to my Christian roots. Why wouldn't I? For all the reasons that people give for getting involved with other religions and belief systems, all of those other systems are such a crap shoot compared to Christianity. It's simplistic but I could try to live the best possible life as a Buddhist and hope to be reborn better with no real guarantee...or I could be reborn in Christ and by the grace of God see heaven. It's not just a possibility. It is promised.

I sometimes wish I had understood that better long ago, but truth be told, if I had I would not have been able to touch as many people as I can right now. It seems silly but every misstep that I have taken up to today just makes me better able to share that perfection is not a human trait and that the forgiveness of God is great and real. My relationship with God and Christ is not really much different than my relationship with anybody else in someways. I have prayed prayers that sound like I am talking to a friend...F-bombs and all. There are people that would find that offensive but God knows me and He knows my heart. He would much rather me come as I am than not at all.

Come as you are. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was binge drinking (among other things) young student. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was a young unwed mother. I wish I had realized the grace of God was that kind of party as my outer shell toughened from the day-to-day of wearing the hats of employee, student, mom. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party after I was married, after my dad passed, when our whole worldly world fell apart. For all my worldly smarts, I have been quite dense in realizing that God wants you whoever you are, what ever you have done, and it's never too late.

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 15:7

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that verse as propaganda but age has brought wisdom and I know it to be Truth. Truth is good...better than anything you can imagine, really. So, here continues my blog, warts and all, because I am only human.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or something like that...

It has been a long while since I posted anything. I had felt very renewed and inspired only to have life thwart me.

I am not going to lie. I am not real happy right now.

I had every intention of completing the Blog Flash. I couldn't. Things got in the way. I feel like I have lived a thousand lifetimes in the past month or so...with no relief in sight. I have been eroded to this really weird place. I don't know what or why or how I am supposed to do anything with this.

Did you miss me? It's been like a month!

With so much drama in the K-O-C (Kettering/Oakwood/Centervillle) it's kinda hard being J double n E. But somehow someway I keep coming up with blogs like every thirty days.

One of my bigger flaws is the ability to pretend that shit is okay. Feel your feelings or something like that. I don't get this whole line of thinking that pretends that shit isn't retarded that everything is sunshine and kittens and nothing bites.

I can't do that!

I see everything for what it is. I've never had the  privilege of illusions about the world. Hellocopter, I don't think I have ever even had the privilege to have illusions about God or the existence thereof. I am in a massive inventory liquidation sort of state and despite the fact that everything must go, it doesn't change that it was there in the first place. I had been hoping for some sort of sign, but at this point a burning bush would be nothing more than a lot of itching and a lot of 'splain to do to my husband.

There is nothing but darkness in my days, I know that seems crazy but it is what it is. I work a job where I feel like a dog chained to a treadmill at 25 mph. I am one family holiday away from a domestic violence incident with my BIL. Shame too, because I 100% understand his pain which in all honesty is why I think I keep setting him off...I know too much. If I told you every challenge in my life as of right now, you would call BS. No one could have THAT much random and painful incidents going on in there life at one time.

I do.

No joshing! I think at this stage in the game my husband and I are more bonded like the sick and twisted bond that say um concentration camp victims have than anything more appealing and happy. Everything is an illusion and I have no control over the outcome.

I've stop believing that God is a possibility. The it is all in his "plan" bullshit has no credence when you have lived my life.  There is no benevolent, caring God that would subject someone, anyone to the events of the last 30-45 days. It doesn't make me stronger.

It makes me fully question the existence of God.

And his alleged "plan".

Yeah.

I went there.

I tried not to but all my prayers apparently got voicemail.

If God doesn't believe in me, then whiskey tango foxtrot why would I waste my rime believing in him,

 I can not live within the constraints of this blog title. I have an idea for an alternate. What's the point? Everything I have poured my heart into has been met with nothing but failure. Complete failure. It amuses God and everyone else to see me so upset. If it didn't why would this be the soup of the day despite my best efforts to make a better soup?

Shit is nothing but retarded right now. Prayer is a joke. And the whole plan idea...don't even get me started.

Absence.

Void.

Nothingness.

It is what it is. It is life. Might as well embrace it.

#BlogFlash2013 - Day Two:Technology

My family's first computer, a Timex Sinclair 2000 required me and my brothers to manually program, sometimes tag teaming for a day or two, all the lines for simple text command games with a high failure rate. Put me ahead of the curve against my peers but flash forward twenty-five years and I can't operate a smart phone.

I am still under 40 but smart phones have me looking into the Jitterbug options. I get the concept, the technology but I have caveman hands and Flintstone feet. The gargantuan hands don't make for easy touch screen use. In turn, I want to crush it under my feet. I need to evolve.

I am sure there is an app for that. 

#BlogFlash2013 Explained

I came across this a few weeks ago, looking for ways to stop relying on myself for my posting. Although, I am not very familiar with Terry Giuliano Long I appreciate her hosting this and am looking forward to reading everyone's flashes.

The rules are simple. It started yesterday, March 1st. There is a prompt for each weekday, and you can only write 50-100 words in any style. And all participants should make an effort to at least five other participating blogs. Pretty simple. Pretty fun.

I was a day late on my first post because I got wrapped in a self-imposed exile that led me to working on things for Enpde because I tend not to get myself wrapped up in that work and tend not to second guess myself.

So whether you are a writer or a reader, take sometime to visit the challenge throughout the month of March.

#BlogFlash2013: Day One – Laughter

If you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh.
A day late and a post short for this flash.
I don't know why I chose poetry or free-form verse.
I guess I was thinking it would keep me terse.
Two kids, a husband, a dog, a bunny who hops
When it comes to laughter this is a hot spot.
Deep in from the belly or a sarcastic ha ha,
Biting tongue or a spastic guffaw,
We carry all varieties of laugh in this abode,
Which takes the edge off finding toys in the commode.
It's such a simple pleasure but sometimes hard to learn.
Take joy in the little things and watch the season turn.
There is no crisis that humor can not tend,
There is no pain that laughter can not mend.
If you can not laugh at yourself, you've probably never tried
But it's more fulfilling than being beat down and snide.
So go and take a look in the mirror
See what tickles you there.
Or maybe it's a memory of falling out a chair.
Laughter softens the edges of the sharpness of life.
Some days I can't stop laughing because someone calls me -- wife.

This is the last worthless posting that you'll have to read...

I do crack myself up. I think most the time I am the only one laughing, because I am the only one inside my head, and I am probably the only one singing the post title to the tune of a certain Don Henley song from the late 80s.

SOoo, yes, I am not Mary Sunshine 24/7/365. I try to be positive and optimistic but dude, I am human, life flipping gets to me some times!

It really does.

I am not afraid to admit that sometimes (read as: just about everyday lately) I do not know my purpose or my place in life. And I don't know what's up and waiting wears on me and then BOOM a whole sad sap whoa is me diarrhea of the mouth sort of post. I am not proud of it. I actually now more than ever see how one might become, mmm, say...addicted to drama. There is a rush and a reaction and if you are with the right button pushers, it's just like a good drunk.

So, I am kinda back on that should I stay or should I go conundrum. It's just this title...it doesn't fit. Do I make it fit or do I expand into something that is more me? Do I keep wearing the ugly green sweater because I have it or do I get the more flattering orange one because it is time?

I now have porn linking to my site. I think that's like a penultimate sort of thing. Like no one really reads me but I get enough random traffic that porn is willing to link up to me. I don't really know how all that works, but hey what the hell, let's be thankful for that traffic, right?

Also, maybe this isn't the last worthless post. I don't know. If you were to ask me, most of them are worthless. It's something I like to do. People like to whittle but you don't see them putting it all over the internet so maybe I am just still slightly too self-involved to be of use to anyone on any positive level. I don't know.

That's my manta by the way. I don't know. I don't know anything. I know what I would like but in the grand scheme of everything I don't know how things will work out. Say it with me...I don't know. It's a little freeing isn't it? Give up that control and just holler a loud I don't know.

Yep, see, this post was pretty worthless.

...between the poles and the Equator, don't send a private investigator to find me please...

Pink Verdana. My favorite font. Yes, I have one of those. It's really only the beginning of what is wrong with me. Friends don't let friends have font preferences. I think Moses wanted that on the tablets but unfortunately he has chosen a 12pt Courier New and had to leave it off. 

Algorithms bother me as well. It's more than a little creepy that I should queue up Michael Penn's "No Myth" and YouTube should recommend a dozen and a half songs that I would have probably picked myself as a follow up. Granted, it probably never saw that I would randomly pick to listen to "The Crab Song" by Faith No More...but now that I have whoa YouTube is onto me big time. Drats! 

Imagine me with a twisted frowny face that can not possibly be replicated with symbols. Yeah. It's been that kind of week. I am not even sure why I let myself get excited about possibilities. They are not endless and always do seem to end. Sprouting more gray as I type, that is how fabulous I am right now. 

Sigh. 

Sitting here the last couple of days, uber-depressed, ultra-uncertain and uniquely despondent. There's not really any sort of theological or philosophical nudging that is going to the fix the broken that this is. If you missed the post the other day, then you missed that I have been reading old writings which only serve to amplify how not okay, not better, not progressing life really is. 

I should not have to go Captain Dan everyday of my life. So tired about hearing about how it has to be bad so you are grateful for the good. I was never ungrateful for the good! I think the events of the last four years are unduly cruel...unless, of course, God's plan for me is to create a woman who makes Madalyn Murray O'Hair look like a sweet, little Daisy scout. If that is the plan, then yes, all of this makes perfect sense.

I regret that I ever tried to do anything productive with my life. I genuinely regret the time I wasted going to college. College took so much time away from Jordan. I could have been a better mother to her...it was supposed to be okay. The time away was all going to be worth it. College was supposed to afford us things that I supposedly would have never been able to provide with only a high school education. I had so much hope...

It's hard, you know, having my kids spaced as they are. I can't look at the youngest and think he has a bright and limitless future ahead of him because all I can remember is how I looked at the oldest through those rose-colored shades and how despite my hard-work and best efforts...not, didn't really happen. 

I just don't even know what the hell I am supposed to do anymore. Completely give up? Let all our shit go, declare bankruptcy, go on welfare and numb myself with a state-funded addiction to painkillers and anti-anxiety medication? (For the record, the fantasy addiction is not a current addiction. We can barely afford our insurance, let alone the cost of actually using it.) 

Really getting that wanderlust again. Get the hell out of Dayton and finding some place where there is a job market that wants me...or my husband...or my kid for that matter since she can't seem to get hired anywhere either. Existence is not supposed to be this hard. I know all about the lilies or whatever who never worry and everything is taken care of blah blah blah. 

I am not even sure why I write anymore. All it does is stir up my monkey rage. People don't want to read that. heck, people don't want to read when I am brilliantly funny either because I have loads of unliked statuses that fit in that category. I was thinking about forcing myself to be more disciplined with my writing, but what's the point? I mean, I am my biggest fan...unless there are lurkers who have built shrines to me in cluttered plasticware cupboards. 

I dunno. I just can't do this. Not without heavy sedation. So that when this descent finally ends with a thud, I'll be too far gone to feel the pain of impact.

Testing the new Hootsuite App!!

Ok, so, how cool is this! I can now post from Hootsuite! Yeah, I kinda dig it. This might just be the best news of my day :)

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

So, yeah, it's been almost a month since I posted. The job is okay. I've got a couple of good people to keep me sane so that's been nice. I am not crazy about it though. I wish I was. I wish that the point where I "figure" everything out would come much later in the assignment so I wouldn't get so damn bored.

The ceiling is fixed. Not painted, but not a huge gaping hole anymore and that's all I really care about right now. No time or money really to decorate. I don't know why my other half said that we would paint it. I guess to save some cash. I will bet you right now that nothing happens until we are looking at moving again...then will finally break down and paint.

I have been really down the past few days. Like really dark and depressed and dreaming about things that are disturbing. Like moving in with your in-laws disturbing. I thought that it would help me to go back and read some old post but I unfortunately went back far enough that all my post were happy and optimistic. I am afraid I don't even know that woman anymore.

I don't remember how to be. I only got to be her for such a short time. Most of my life has been headache and heartache and chaos and grief and sweat and tears, that pampered little posh bitch was an outlier in the grand scheme of my life.

It's the crux of all philosophical and theological predicaments in my life. I always felt like I was trading pains, like I'd solve one problem only to be given a bigger problem. Re-reading those old post, I clearly didn't think that was a possibility anymore or I would have been preparing for it. They were hard to read because I know what is going to happen to the writer. Poor bastard. If I had half the faith I had then I'd be in better shape, but there is something about...being unheard and invisible that wears a person out.

I feel very stuck and very pessimistic and I probably shouldn't listen to Pink Floyd at a time like this but hey, at least it's not a dark, industrial song fest...I save that for the privacy of my car.

Truthfully, I don't have the energy to shine anymore. There are billions and billions of other stars in the galaxy, if one fades away who really notices anyway.

Frozen Frustration Friday

Ha ha! Like that I just made it up. I was going to take picture of the view from where I am sitting but with my camera it doesn't look as cool, so I just opened the door and snapped my front porch.

The snow only bothers me me if I have to drive. Well, if I have to drive a car I have not previously driven in the snow. I may take my daughter's car (aka my old car) out later because at least I know how it reacts. I only had to drive less than a mile round trip to drop my son off and it was enough for me to decide that I didn't want to drive in it anymore. I do sort of regret that because all my errands were within a mile. Gas. Track. Arrow.

The snow is the least of my frustrations. I tried to get him scheduled for daycare next week and I can't get Thursday. I am sure I can get coverage elsewhere, but it pains me greatly to have to rely on that source. I am more and more unimpressed with our preschool/daycare situation. Ask me sometime about the no pick up during naps policy if you really want to get me going. Or how unnecessary I think certain people's attitudes are. I mean if your personality can only be described with words I am not going to post here, then maybe you should reconsider being in a position where you have to deal with people.

I was already kinda frustrated with that job being pushed back a week, and then I get a call this morning that the start time for Monday has changed but they don't know if it's changed for the whole week. It would be preferable to have a "real" job instead of this totally expendable temp BS. I apply. I apply. I apply. I interview. I interview. I interview. No one hires me. We need money. What else am I supposed to do?

I am like an iceberg anymore. What you see, what I share, it's just the tip of this big frozen mass I have become. Letting it go and whatnot is not so easy when it just seems like nothing ever changes for the positive. There's all these little dark spots, some of them I don't have the first clue how to make bright.

It's kind of hard to believe that I woke up in a great mood and now I just feel like crying...or walking to Arrow to spend this gift card that's burning a hole in my wallet for lunch. (Just for the record, they do have food at Arrow, a whole deli as a matter of fact, so don't start an intervention yet.) Shrug, maybe I'll just throw the one-hour reggae meditation on my iPod and run a few small errands before I need to be anywhere.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!

I can do all things, I can do all things: Or weird things you sing when the walls are caving...literally.

Ok, not the walls, it was the ceiling. We had a pipe bust today. It's amazing that one little crack can cause so much damage. The picture at right was taken before the second collapse. If you can see the crack off the hole, then you can imagine how large the hole in my dining room is right now.

It was a crazy frenetic time. I didn't realize what had happened at first. I thought that it had thawed as it usually does after a morning of people getting ready and some ambient heat. I should back up, our upstairs bathroom had frozen pipes. It's happened before. I wasn't really worried about it. It has happened before and it's worked itself out. Well, with my gentle nudging. I guess it's just too cold out right now for the tricks to work. As I type this it is 13 degrees with a windchill of 1, and it will probably get colder through the night.

Before any of the sky fell I just had tributaries of brown water leaking through the ceiling and drops all along the door jamb. At some point, the hall light was completely filled with brown water and it was trickling down. All this time, I was trying to do 100 things at once. Calling my hubby. Looking unsuccessfully for our main valve. Turning off breakers. Freezing my ass off. Losing my shoes. Forgetting what I was doing. Dumping tubs of water. Finding towels. Swearing excessively.

At some point, while in our garage, freezing, working for some sort of progress and being thwarted by bikes and a myriad of other things that I had arrange there for storage. I realized that I was in some what of a full freak out mode and it was impeding the progress that I wanted. Deep breath. I can do all things. I can do all things. I can do all things. I was singing it. It became a sort of mantra while I zipped around trying to figure out where the hell the shutoff was, dumping tubs of water, grabbing towels, talking with my husband on the phone. 

Well, that little song and thinking about those Allstate "Mayhem" commercials were probably what helped me not completely lose my mind. Oh, I am not gonna lie and say I didn't break down and cry at some point. I did...when the second chunk of ceiling fell. It's traumatic when it's happening. You don't know the extent of damage. You don't know how much it's going to cost to fix it. You just know that this is not the day you were having, and it certainly wasn't how you planned your afternoon.

Up to that point, I was having a fabulous day. I had worked out after my father-in-law picked up my son for their fun day. I worked on some journalling that was burning a hole in my heart. I planned a dinner for my hubby. Made an awesome lunch for myself. Was working on making chicken broth with plans to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, hit the store, and make a delicious little Asian dish for my hubby before I met my mom for dinner. I actually was feeling better than I have in awhile. Then....

Sigh. It's been an upsetting day, yes. Double-check. Underline. It's been a good day. What? Yes, it's been a good day. I got my workout in. I got some things off my chest and into the hands of someone who can take care of them waaay better than I can. I made 4 quarts of delicious broth. My husband had a friend who cared enough to come help me get the water shut off. My husband got to come in the middle of the afternoon. My daughter made me laugh with her whiny comment about the microwave and internet are the only things that keep her alive. (I turned off power to that part of the house because I wasn't so sure the water coming through the hall light wasn't going to do some sort of damage.) My daughter's boyfriend made me laugh harder when he followed up her melodrama with ,"Ma'am, ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to calm down" comment. My daughter and her BF went to his house since ours lacked what she needed to stay alive. My husband and I were alone, stressed, and needed a distraction. We found our distraction. I made the Asian dish. Our guy came and said it bad, but it was all fixable. I had a great dinner with my mama over a $5 pitcher of Margaritas.

I think if I hadn't forced myself into my little I can do all things song, I'd be really upset still. I am disappointed at this particular curve ball. I am not crying though. Freezing a bit. Wondering how long this is going to take to dry out so it can be repair. Really grateful that my husband's boss is soo understanding. Really aware of how kinda messed up somethings are in my life. Wondering a lot of things. Exhausted. Due for a shower. But not crying.

I can not go to the dark side. They might say they have cookies but they are like almond windmill cookies, and really who wants those?

So, not the best day of my life...but not the end of my life either. Please though if you are over, the weird blanket covered hole in the living is not a disaster but a portal to another level that you can only access if you have special powers so...maybe you could sing it with me: I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things!

and just in case you aren't sure what the whole I can do all things is about take a look at Philippians 4:13

I am predicting a posting drought....

I am starting a job next week, so there is a 99.9% probability that my posting my drop off for a bit.

I know I said I wasn't going to do contract jobs anymore, but it isn't exactly like anyone else is picking me for their team. We've been running at a deficit for awhile. Well, kinda, I realized that when my husband told me this that he probably figured it on only his income and I have had some income coming in so we've probably been marginally okay the past couple months. Anyway, as much as it feels like every temp job is just a step away from ever getting hired on anywhere, I couldn't say 'no'.

Maybe my thrilling call center adventures will give me something to write about. I've spent so much time in customer service I am really amazed that I even like people anymore. Anonymity sure brings out the worst in people. Kinda makes you want to remind some of them that you have their address right in front of you and that you know people who will do things for a case of anything and gas money.

Maybe it's the distraction I need to get somethings in order. When I am working things have a way of falling away and falling into order. Well, okay, not always, but I think they will. There was a day back in October where I felt good about everything. I took a grocery trip with my son on a Sunday and just I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt like everything was looking up. Then, four days later my contract got cancelled.

Just wanted to put that out there because I know that there are some readers who don't actually know me in "real" life.

What's in a name or should I stay or should I go?

I have this particular blog up for awhile. I covered this at some point and if I wasn't so lazy I would find the post and link to it. But anyway, I originally started this blog under this title because I was going promote fundraising things and whatnot. I don't mind the title but it seems restrictive. Do I just ignore that and keep pressing on or do I change it and lose what has been built up over two years?

See, I have a much better title idea. It's one of those titles that I could encompass my entire life under and it's way more fitting. It's a title I could own. But I couldn't just change the layout of this one because one title with a tisbetter2give.blogspot.com doesn't make that much sense. Although, in light of the title in my head, it could cuz well, just trust me the title in my head lends itself to illogical hodgepodge.

Illogical hodgepodge. Story of my life.

I just don't know. I have had more than one person this week make a comment to me about my writing. It's like breathing to me, but apparently it means something to others too. I just feel restricted sometimes by the title.

Does it matter? I mean would you care if your Kindness in Giving page talked about crazy stuff that sometimes wasn't kind or giving or loving?

I am making a scrinchy face now because I just don't know. I would love to take this and make this what I need, what my family needs, what my readers need BUT I just don't know. How do you build something like that. Is it possible to have this name and attract people or do I need something cooler.

I have something cooler. Like it's like I am totally in love with it cool and twenty, thirty years from now it would still probably be meaningful to me.

I could just go though. I mean, honestly, I have a hard time keeping on task with all this. There's a lot of work and I don't always have the time or technology to do what I need to do to seem all engaged and plugged in.

More scrinchy face. I do have a whole, um, business plan around this and if I were to focus there is a certain void this could fill. Can I focus though? I can't even decide about the title, so what do you think?

Extreme scrinchy face.

Help.

Deleted most of the post but I couldn't waste the picture

Baby goats made uncute with Photoshop

 Actually, I deleted the entire post. A most personal "Ever Felt Like You've Sold Your Soul to the Devil?" post. I had started it the day after Christmas and worked on it since but I decided tonight that I wasn't going to give power to that thought.

Being negative about it is only going bring me more negative. Yes, I do feel as if my soul has been sold out. Yes, I totally am not comfortable with certain situations in my life. Yes, I am completely conflicted about EVERYTHING. The thing is if I keep being a whinerbaby I am not going to get what I need or be able to do what I need to do. I have to believe that find God in this situation and I have to follow that lead. Or something like that...

Because the post was originally titled something about my soul to the Devil, that's where the picture came in. Goats are creepy. Even cute little baby goats. I don't know why I feel that way, probably some traumatic Young's Dairy experience that I can't fully remember. So anyway because the original post mentioned the devil and I think goats are creepy and I got a new toy for Christmas...shrug...I made unholy goats. What can I say everyone needs a hobby.

So, yeah, accentuate the positive. Don't give to much power to the negative. Try to love people where they are. Pray that they can overcome their issues. Look for guidance from a higher source. And stop being a whinerbaby. That's pretty much where I am. It's not a head in the sand. It's being one of the only sane people being able to look at a situation and know that despite how insane, crazy, f'd up a person or situation is...there is still hope. There is always hope.

I forget that sometimes.

I am sure we all do.

Enjoy the goats.

Judge not lest ye be throwing stones at black kettles or something like that...

This morning I have been partying like it's 1994 which means mostly I have been sitting on my ass drinking coffee and Mountain Dew (albeit diet these days) trying to simultaneously manipulate and validate my mood with music. Unlike 1994, I am not relegated to my room to do so and I don't have to call Julie to run me anywhere. Sigh. I have things to do. I just have no motivation. I still am sick from this plague going around. Just coughing mostly, but really tired.

Of course, I could be tired from the weird dream-state I was in overnight. I got a lot of free groceries. I remember that vividly. It was an error on the part of the clerk and I tried to make it right and no one would let me. There was a lot of driving around, too. Just a very strange dream. Not as strange as the one last week where my husband got arrested for not wearing a seat belt and somehow I ended up in jail but nonetheless strange.

Everything is strange. I have been thinking a lot lately about the thin line between being judgmental and making thoughtful decisions to the exclusion of others. I am not talking about hate, this isn't going to be some weird diatribe or manifesto about why we should round up all the Bieber-believers or some ridiculousness like that. This is much more subtle.

I get the whole "he who is without sin" thing. (John 8:7) Well, I mostly get it but here's the thing...I am not perfect and I know where I have been better than anyone...it took awhile (hell, I am still working on it) but learned from and changed from my experiences, good and bad. If I were still trying to shove square pegs in round holes, I wouldn't be sitting here in the comfort of my living room contemplating how far I am supposed to extend my compassion to people who are still chasing there tails.

Sigh, I know there's a bibical answer there, too. Seven times seventy. (Matthew 18:21-25)  I think that interpretations of that really are illogical to me. Again, I am not perfect but I am also not chaotic. I have spent a lot of my life being called stuck-up because of things I do or don't do. I am okay with that. I don't like being held over the barrel in situations that I feel are not good in my heart of hearts. If my Spideysense is tingling, it's not a call to go ignore it and go grab a burger with Mary Jane. Freewill has to come in play somewhere, right? Survival and sanity count for something, right? Eventually someone loses at Russian Roulette, right?

Cryptic and vague today. I can't fully expound upon what I am thinking about. A few of you know some of the minor details. I am not trying to be an island. I just don't like playing with people in a room where there is so much stuff swept under the rug that the table almost touches the ceiling. Sigh.

We're all broken. Own it. Grow up. Move on. Or something like that.

I can't help you. I can't help anyone.

But how do I separate myself from the drama? What if I can not gracefully remove myself from the situation? It's someone else's web I've been flung into. Actually, it's more like a minefield, and I don't know if you've ever watched me walk but I am no good at tiptoeing. I've tried mending fences and building bridges but it's not ever going to work if only one party involves knows a good carpenter.

Detach with love I think is what they call it, and it sure comes off the tongue a lot easier than it can be enacted. If everyone else is happy as a pig in well, you know, then who am I to keep advertising the benefits of a buttermilk bath? I just know that life doesn't have to be this enormous suck hole of blackness and despair. I am trying to be patient and supportive but I think that before the end of this year there is going to be a great schism in my life. I can't play the roles that people need me to play to quantify their illusions.

Round pegs go in round holes. Square pegs go in square ones. It's not a judgment call. It's fact. It's the truth. And you know what they say about that...you can lead a friend to Truth but you can't make them think.

What do you think?