If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, February 18, 2013

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, You piper, you prisoner, and shine!

So, yeah, it's been almost a month since I posted. The job is okay. I've got a couple of good people to keep me sane so that's been nice. I am not crazy about it though. I wish I was. I wish that the point where I "figure" everything out would come much later in the assignment so I wouldn't get so damn bored.

The ceiling is fixed. Not painted, but not a huge gaping hole anymore and that's all I really care about right now. No time or money really to decorate. I don't know why my other half said that we would paint it. I guess to save some cash. I will bet you right now that nothing happens until we are looking at moving again...then will finally break down and paint.

I have been really down the past few days. Like really dark and depressed and dreaming about things that are disturbing. Like moving in with your in-laws disturbing. I thought that it would help me to go back and read some old post but I unfortunately went back far enough that all my post were happy and optimistic. I am afraid I don't even know that woman anymore.

I don't remember how to be. I only got to be her for such a short time. Most of my life has been headache and heartache and chaos and grief and sweat and tears, that pampered little posh bitch was an outlier in the grand scheme of my life.

It's the crux of all philosophical and theological predicaments in my life. I always felt like I was trading pains, like I'd solve one problem only to be given a bigger problem. Re-reading those old post, I clearly didn't think that was a possibility anymore or I would have been preparing for it. They were hard to read because I know what is going to happen to the writer. Poor bastard. If I had half the faith I had then I'd be in better shape, but there is something about...being unheard and invisible that wears a person out.

I feel very stuck and very pessimistic and I probably shouldn't listen to Pink Floyd at a time like this but hey, at least it's not a dark, industrial song fest...I save that for the privacy of my car.

Truthfully, I don't have the energy to shine anymore. There are billions and billions of other stars in the galaxy, if one fades away who really notices anyway.

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