If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Judge not lest ye be throwing stones at black kettles or something like that...

This morning I have been partying like it's 1994 which means mostly I have been sitting on my ass drinking coffee and Mountain Dew (albeit diet these days) trying to simultaneously manipulate and validate my mood with music. Unlike 1994, I am not relegated to my room to do so and I don't have to call Julie to run me anywhere. Sigh. I have things to do. I just have no motivation. I still am sick from this plague going around. Just coughing mostly, but really tired.

Of course, I could be tired from the weird dream-state I was in overnight. I got a lot of free groceries. I remember that vividly. It was an error on the part of the clerk and I tried to make it right and no one would let me. There was a lot of driving around, too. Just a very strange dream. Not as strange as the one last week where my husband got arrested for not wearing a seat belt and somehow I ended up in jail but nonetheless strange.

Everything is strange. I have been thinking a lot lately about the thin line between being judgmental and making thoughtful decisions to the exclusion of others. I am not talking about hate, this isn't going to be some weird diatribe or manifesto about why we should round up all the Bieber-believers or some ridiculousness like that. This is much more subtle.

I get the whole "he who is without sin" thing. (John 8:7) Well, I mostly get it but here's the thing...I am not perfect and I know where I have been better than anyone...it took awhile (hell, I am still working on it) but learned from and changed from my experiences, good and bad. If I were still trying to shove square pegs in round holes, I wouldn't be sitting here in the comfort of my living room contemplating how far I am supposed to extend my compassion to people who are still chasing there tails.

Sigh, I know there's a bibical answer there, too. Seven times seventy. (Matthew 18:21-25)  I think that interpretations of that really are illogical to me. Again, I am not perfect but I am also not chaotic. I have spent a lot of my life being called stuck-up because of things I do or don't do. I am okay with that. I don't like being held over the barrel in situations that I feel are not good in my heart of hearts. If my Spideysense is tingling, it's not a call to go ignore it and go grab a burger with Mary Jane. Freewill has to come in play somewhere, right? Survival and sanity count for something, right? Eventually someone loses at Russian Roulette, right?

Cryptic and vague today. I can't fully expound upon what I am thinking about. A few of you know some of the minor details. I am not trying to be an island. I just don't like playing with people in a room where there is so much stuff swept under the rug that the table almost touches the ceiling. Sigh.

We're all broken. Own it. Grow up. Move on. Or something like that.

I can't help you. I can't help anyone.

But how do I separate myself from the drama? What if I can not gracefully remove myself from the situation? It's someone else's web I've been flung into. Actually, it's more like a minefield, and I don't know if you've ever watched me walk but I am no good at tiptoeing. I've tried mending fences and building bridges but it's not ever going to work if only one party involves knows a good carpenter.

Detach with love I think is what they call it, and it sure comes off the tongue a lot easier than it can be enacted. If everyone else is happy as a pig in well, you know, then who am I to keep advertising the benefits of a buttermilk bath? I just know that life doesn't have to be this enormous suck hole of blackness and despair. I am trying to be patient and supportive but I think that before the end of this year there is going to be a great schism in my life. I can't play the roles that people need me to play to quantify their illusions.

Round pegs go in round holes. Square pegs go in square ones. It's not a judgment call. It's fact. It's the truth. And you know what they say about that...you can lead a friend to Truth but you can't make them think.

What do you think?

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