I might as well be invisible...

...that's all I've got today.

 

 

Bedtime Story...

...not really just getting ready to head there myself.

 

Having three days off and then going back to work make it abundantly clear that the job does nothing for my happiness. If anything, it exacerbates my loneliness and my feelings that I don't fit anywhere. It's beyond horrible.

 

I don't feel much like talking. I came home this afternoon and took a 2 hour nap. I got a chance to talk to a friend of mine I hadn't talked to in awhile. I drank made up vodka concoctions out of my Dorothy Parker martini glass. Took a shower, and now I have a hankering to watch "singles" which is ironic because I really didn't care for that movie when it came out. The soundtrack is great, but it has only really been in the past five years that I have developed an appreciation for that movie.

 

I think wanting to watch has it's roots in Friday night...and my sadness...

 

Hope all is well with everyone reading this...

la cellule est morte

Or for those of you choosing not to live life as a piece of French New Wave cinema...

The cell is dead.

Not that it should come as any surprise to anyone, but if you want you can let out a "Quelle surprise!" who am I to stop you?

It was only 5 years old. On it's, I dunno, 6^th or 7^th face. Had no antenna, no send button, it was due.

What really sucks is that I got lazy and all my numbers were stored on there, so later today I am going to send a lovely bulk mailing to those whose numbers I haven't recovered from my memory. Actually, I might just send all so that I can clean out my address book while I am at it. I can get a few because I can look online at my log, but I'd rather bug people. Interestingly enough to are 2 numbers that called me in the past 3 weeks that I do not know who they belong to, no guess at all. I thought about calling them to see who they are, but I'm not that brave. Also, there are a couple from plenty of fish, that I don't want to accidentally talk to at all.

Speaking of plenty of fish, I completely deleted my profile there. Nothing but a hassle really...

So, they (my co-workers) got lunch, didn't ask me, pas c'est de surprise! Again with the chances and the not being asked, ugh!

I will be getting a new phone, maybe today, but probably not until next week.

Nose to grindstone...now...well, sorta J

364 Days 'til Christmas...

Man, I am tired.

 

So many details of Friday I wanted to share, but just haven't had the time to type. Not even so much the what happend, but the where all of this has put Jenny's head.

 

Christmas was good. Again tons o' details that I'm too tired to type.

 

Hope everyone had a good Christmas, too!!

 

I got a garbage disposal!! Woohoo!! One less smell to worry about here! I got good stuff. Always do, it's the weird syncrohnicity between my brothers and I. Or maybe just luck.

 

After Friday, I have been extremely pensive. Things that were said have stuck with me. Then, possibly having run into A1's girlfriend Christmas Eve. I am not entirely sure about it, but the weirdness of the vibe tells me that it was. Just thoughts. Just, you know... sigh, I think I said it best in an email I wrote to a friend of mine:

 

    

Did I ever tell you about this guy I met over a year ago. I really really really really really really fucking like him. Not just because he is jenny's kinda hottie, but because we had the most I don't the conversation, the spark, the very few guys give me this kind of butterflies...ever. I saw him last night. I know he saw me, there really was no way he couldn't have. Never really got in a position to say hi or anything, but I didn't really expect that I would. (He's in one of the bands that played, but he gets exempted from my rule about not dating guys in bands because I met him previous to the band. If that makes any sense. Besides, he said one of the nicest truest things anyone has ever said about me.) I just wish I could get some chance now that some of the previous uh complications are out of the way. Just to hang out and see what these butterflies are all about. But without resorting to beong very Alice-like and stalking him, it's just not going to happen.

 

It seems like I can never be where I need to be to make the things I want to happen happen. It's making me very sad today and I find myself wishing I could be some other type of girl than what I am because maybe it'd be better than being me.

 

Boys are stupid.

 

I'm sure he appreciated the boys are stupid comment.

 

I don't care. It may sound like giving up, but it's not. Just you know, que sera sera. You know were life stood Friday was that I had one remaining viable crush, I haven't really met anyone else or whatever. Today, I have one remaining viable crush. The downside is that he's going to stay there probably indefinately :(

 

Any ideas for new years?

Christmas Bells Ain't the Only Thing Ringing...

So yes I made it to Elbo's.

 

It rocked. Musically I was not disappointed. Not that I expected to be, but sometimes here in D'town things get a little bit hyped and I end up feeling sorta gyped.

 

I was disappointed that what I had seen earlier in the day listed the cover as $5, but when I got to the door it was magically $7. Shit like that just bugs me.

 

I went into the night feeling pretty damn good, got a space on the street by the club. Got sweet seat at the bar. When the DJ started spinning he played, you guessed it "Christmas in Hollis" I felt like I was meant to be there.

 

Socially it was less than desired. I saw the object of my crush, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm going to try to hold on to my crush a little longer. See I told you he'd have a girlfriend!

 

I really must find out what the male obsession with short chicks is, because it's really FUCKING annoying. Actually, I think FUCKING is an understatement.

 

My eyes are burning. My ears are ringing. I'm tired and reek of smoke. All in all a good time... I just wished it had something spectacular happen.

 

I am off to bed...

 

 

Christmas Songs I never get tired of...

The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight)

Elmo & Patsy - Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Tom Waits - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis (Maybe not really a Christmas song, but hell, it's got it in the title)

Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis (How come I never hear that on the Muzak?!)

Traditional Hymn - Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence (Don't be so shocked, my souls not entirely black)

The Pogues (featuringKirsty MacColl) - Fairytale of New York (I never, never, NEVER get tired of this song. If I had to make a list of all time favorite songs, this song would make that list. I love the Pogues, and really miss my old tapes.)

I guess that would be a start. There are so many Christmas songs in existence that it makes you wonder why only the same five are played over and over 'til I feel like driving candy canes through my ears to stop the pain. I've been lucky enough to find a few CDs that don't suck. Right now, I am listening to Tom Waits rendition of "Silent Night" which will be followed by Jewel singing "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer". It's a surprisingly good CD. It also has Tori Amos, Pearl Jam, and Smashing Pumpkins to name a few.

Outside of the those overplayed renditions of those limited songs, oh and that freakin' stupid Red Shoe song, I am a vehemently opposed to Beatles songs (in general and at Christmas). I just think that the Beatles place in rock 'n roll history has been overstated. I'm not saying they didn't have a few good songs, I'm just saying there are a lot of other musicians and groups that have had (and still have) great influence on the scene. I guess I have just never really been able to buy into the hype, and if that makes me wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want to be a merry little scenester talking the trash the Rolling Stone feeds me. And I don't care how many people claim the Beatles to be their biggest influence, the only band that has ever really even sounded remotely close to the almighty Beatles is Oasis.

But what do I know, I'm just the biller...

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter ARGH!!

This place called work. I need a new one. Desparately need a new one!

These are the people who drive me bonkers.

Not everyone is here, but this is my office, these are my co-workers. In case you need help, I am in jeans and a tiara (which felt surprisingly natural). This, of course, is from Halloween. (Another example of how I am kept informed of things here. First we were, then we weren't, lucky for them I have a lot of things I can improvise with.)

I am not going to ramble on about all that, all of that which vexes and annoys me. I might as well not be here.

It's days like this that really make me which I didn't quit PAG, even though Lynn says it's worse than it was a year ago.

Instead, I want to say a word about Jordan. Or better yet, ask a question.

How did I get so lucky?

She is not without her faults and idiosyncrasies that drive me to drink, but she's really a damn good kid with a big damn heart. She's pretty smart and pretty confident, and I have a hard time some days believing that she came from me. Then she opens her smart-ass mouth and I know she's mine J

I've been thinking about that all day. Thinking about how she wanted to buy me a new cell phone for Christmas, because it is something I really need. (I should get a pic of my current one up here.) Thinking about how, she insisted on going to Lowe's last night to buy her gym teacher a poinsettia and the look on her gym teachers face this morning when Jordan gave it to her. Or all of her comments last night watching Nanny 911. She cracks me up.

It just makes me wish even more that things weren't so sucky.

Skating away...skating away...

The subject has nothing to do with the snow or the ice or the cold, it just happens that I have the Jethro Tull song stuck in my head, and I have for about three days now. I tend to think that there is a reason that happens. A reason other than being plum crazy!  I could understand if it was like say a Fall Out Boy song because in the short time I have owned that CD I have played it to point of physical wear or any of the other things that I have played ad nasueam. I haven't actually heard that song in awhile, because I haven't really been listening to the radio or hanging out with my dad. So, I guess later I look up the lyrics and what gives.

 

I had thought of continuing the dream thing, but last nights dream was so disjointed. It does not help that I didn't sleep very well.  Congested kid sleeping with me. I put the dog in the kennel (which is in my room) so that she wouldn't destroy the food presents that are wrapped and under the tree. The cat decided that he wanted to dance in his cat box (in my bathroom), cough up hairballs, and whine about not being able to go out. It's a wonder I even made it into dream state.

 

There is no real news to report. Busy getting the last bits of Christmas together, and hoping that everything is going to work out. It's looking like I may not go to Elbo's like I planned because Jordan would like to go see the lights in Washington Township, and she informed me last night that The Ringer (starring Johnny Knoxville) comes out Friday. I'm not a huge fan of any of this work, but within nanoseconds of the preview I knew that it could be the kind of wrong that I appreciate.

 

I think if I could figure out how to make these next 5 hours less boring then I'd be in good shape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the winner is...

....RebelSaid for having the first official comment to my blog. I don't really have a reward, but you know you it should feel good to be first at something. I encourage everyone (or anyone) who happens to read this page to hop over to RebelSaid's page. I read a bit of his blog, and ya know people need to take notice of this
"One Laptop for Every Child" thing, because this will change life as we know it. I was reading about this before I got his comment, and it's pretty cool and it's gonna run on Linux. And if it really and truly materializes, then Windows would pretty much be shut. But what do I know, I am just the biller :)

 

Busy couple of days, so I have been remiss in writing. So much to talk about, though.

 

Friday night I dreamt that I was arrested. I had gone on my bank run at work and was detained and subsequently arrested. What made it worse is that no one at my corporate office would answer my calls, and what I was being arrested for I had no control over. I couldn't have ever rectified the situation in real life. The teller kept saying in my dream that they had sent several notices, well, in my dream as in real life all of the notices go to the corporate office. There wasn't any resolution in that dream.

 

Yesterday was a busy day. Went sledding in the morning. Then hung out at my parent's for a little bit before our show. (I have tickets to the Young at Heart series, and yesterday was Famous People Player's Blacklight Winter Wonderland. ) Got our seat changed because the people behind us have all the maturity of three year olds. Honest to god, if you have no control over your ability to constantly comment on the action, for christsake go to Blockbuster and rent a freakin' movie!! Then my parent's took Jo Christmas shopping for me, and I did a ton o' Christmas shopping. I'm usually a gradual shopper but this year I have had to wait until my paycheck before xmas to do anything.

 

Last night, I dreamt of A1 and his band and me going to see him. They were playing in Austin (Texas) I can't remember the name of the place but I went there when I visited my friend Rob several years ago. Somehow in this dream, I fell asleep at the table and woke up in an empty bar. Of course, when I woke up (in the dream) I was freaked because I was alone in this empty bar. I went to the john, and got startled by A1 who was walking out. We end up leaving together, but not before I have to beat the hell out of some guy who is trying to break into this place while we are locking up. I think I'd be afraid to know what half my dreams "mean".

 

Although, I can say that part of this is merely my brain scrambling truth and fiction. See, the week I met Adam, there are two distinct dynamics. The night I met him was the first night that I had been to the Trolley Stop that week. That was an excellent night. However, two nights later not so excellent, as I went there under duress, and my friend and I thwarted an attempted carjacking (our own). I haven't been the same since that night. So, like I said I don't want to know what any of it means.

 

Today was a good day. Ended up at Frisch's by the mall for breakfast, then Jordan and I did shopping and other Christmas stuff. Came home and wrapped and just kinda chilled. It was nice though, so nice.

 

I still really want to go to Elbo's on Friday, but now I am not so sure I am going to be able to swing it. (Especially if I have to go downtown alone which is something I can not do anymore.)

 

These past two days have actually had something I haven't felt in a long while.... hope. Or at least, an ability to slough off all the suckage that has come to plague me. I dunno... but then when do I ever?

 

T.G.I.F?

"There are somethings I can't report

        The memory of his last retort

But it was so much easier

        When I was cruel"

When I Was Cruel No.2

        -Elvis Costello

For some reason, I am into my second listening of the When I Was Cruel album today.  Actually, I think it is because I had a vision of my life as an art film short, and this seems the most appropriate of the CDs I have here at work. More appropriate would be somber violins, but since this would be an American film I think they should be fiddles, a somber, sweet bluegrass melody accompanying me through the silence of my day and on through to the credits. Seriously. I know I have complained of the sensory deprivation chamber on more than one occasion, but it's really more than just that which sucks.

People here act as if I am from another planet, or at the very least another country. There are a lot of times in work situations that I don't mind being left out, like when I was a PAG and people didn't ask me if I wanted anything because someone going out for you usually meant that you were expected to reciprocate in the future. There is nothing I hate more than doing lunch orders for 5 picky people. I've done it here a few times, god forbid someone's gets a taco that's hard or a burrito that's got onions.  This though is much different.

I notice that I am the only one without a Santa hat. I notice that no one (in power) said anything to me about the cancellation of the Christmas party. I notice a lot of things like that. I mean I notice the closed body language. I notice the blank stares when I say something, you know the whole maybe if we don't say something she'll just go back to her cave sort of thing. Eight hours a day of this, and did I mention the hum of the HVAC system slowly reprogramming my brain?

Did I mention that it is freezing in here?

I found some poems shoved in my desk drawer, so I figure I'll share them here. They were both written 10/31/05. The first is called Eulogy, the second is untitled.

Eulogy

If anyone knew how I felt about the world,

It was definitely you.

Well, at least it should have been.

God knows, I told you enough to fill volumes.

Had you actually listened to me,

Rather than always pretend, you wouldn't be here.

I told you months ago that I was tired of it all.

It should have been obvious that I was cleaning house.

The day I told Mr.Benchley where to go,

It should have put you on notice.

All I wanted

One night

A few hours

Delicate moments

It didn't matter where

I just wanted to see

All I wanted

A meal with someone

Who might wear something

Other than the same cruddy

Football jersey week after week

I wish this whole blog thing was working out differently. I wanted it to be entertaining like my friend Jon's blog was ( hansarde.blogspot.com ) but it just isn't working out like that...

More later probably, because I am sure my mail will bring something horrible... it always does.

Don't go where the huskies go...

What I wouldn't give right now to have a team of sled dogs! My piece o' shite Alero is on my last nerve. It's a great car as long as it's warm and dry, but cold and wet, you might as well stay home.

The car, just another of the things that seem to be not the way they should. I had a pretty bad night last night. Silly yet annoying things that just make me feel like the whole world is pissing on my head. Put into context though, one of my friends had a worse night and I really hope that things get better in her situation. It's rough all around anymore, that's what I've noticed.

I just hate this. I'm just trying to get some place comfortable, someplace happy. I want to feel like the past ten years of my life haven't been a tremendous waste of time and money.

But mostly right now, I want to go home. Well, or at least not be at work. I have shopping to do damn it!

I want one good day, and I want it to flow into two good days, and I want a good life.

So much to do, so little time!

Out of balance...

That's what I am right now this very second, sitting at work, $11.00 out of balance. It's bloody annoying, too.

It's been soo quiet today. Then again, it's quiet for me everyday. This dismal cell they call an office. Very little human contact, social interaction, whatever, it's a wonder I'm not completely mad!

Jess bought me a gift. Aww! Made me feel warm and fuzzy for a little bit, especially because didn't get things for everyone here. Not that I blame her, I've been on that should I or shouldn't I kick these past few days. People are just so ungrateful and I am just so poor. I saw some tins of cookies at Trader Joe's for two bucks. I thought I might go that route, but I haven't really decided yet.

I slept horribly last night. As I lingered in bed this morning, it was really frustrating the way my tired eyes hurt so bad. I ended up getting out of the house by like 7:10am because I put an offer out to Jo that if she was up and ready to go by five after we would stop at Tim Horton's. (She waited patiently in the car for me for five minutes in case you were wondering.) It was kind of a nice change. Tried something called a Hot Smoothie (minds up out of the gutter please) and it wasn't half bad.

So, December 23 at Elbo's is Holidayton. A ton of bands playing, very seriously thinking of going looks like a good time, honestly I think the last time I saw Legbone they were liquid. (Give yourself points if you laughed at that one.) And there is some others that I have heard a lot about Joe Anderl, Flyaway Minion, etc etc. Plus, I can wear my recently acquired "hoochie" pants. They really aren't bad by themselves but with the matching top, yeah that's how they got dubbed hoochie pants. It is also entirely possible that A1 might just happen to be there. Not that I would pursuit that on that particular night, but I do think that I should like very much to be in that general vicinity unleashing my saucy vixen side...if I can find it. Still a little undecided, though, as I would like some peeps to go with me and hang. Any one reading this really ought to consider going, I have never not had a good time going to shows. Truly horrible bands don't tend to get gigs, so nights out don't tend to suck.

Well, with that said, I am off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of snow turning to freezing rain right in time for the afternoon drive.

Yipee!!

Trails of tears...

I kid you not, I think I have been crying for three days now.

 

You know, like all of the sudden Saturday all the rejection of the past several weeks sank, and haven't been able to stop. Just trying to make sense of it all.

 

I emailed someone that I very nearly went out with recently, but then he decided to up and get a girlfriend before I ever got a chance. That's been odd, but none of it makes me feel better. If anything it makes me feel worse, because their were things going on in his life that I thought it would be best if I didn't put on a full Jenny pursuit. Apparently, I am an idiot and backing off only served to take me out of the running.

 

He said something about being positive and engaging, and I told him at this point I don't think it is possible without a heavy dose of thorazine  and a quick lobotomy.

 

Honestly, no one has taken a chance on me in the past why should the future be any different? Just because I want it to? If things happened just because I wanted them to, then my house would be clean and I wouldn't be stuck in this nowhere job.

 

All of my failures are just screaming at me now, and all I can do is cry. I don't know what else to do.

 

I'm mean it kinda makes me smile a little bit, words from a Green Day song, both the way they are supposed to be and the way I always mis-sing them. I can't  remember the song name but the line is "All that's left to do is take the blame." I, however, always sing (and have pretty much always sang) "All that's left to do is date the band."

 

Alas, if I only had time to do that maybe I'd have half a glimmer of hope left.

 

But no, not Jenny. Jenny gets nothing. Always has, probably always will unless someone can give me any freakin' insight into why exactly boys don't like me. And god why do I even care?

 

This is horrible, thick crying. Not so much loud or maudlin, just the kind of tears that even a quick squirt of Visine can't hide.

 

woo hoo!

What me unravel....

Or maybe born under a bad sign would be a better title.

 

So it seems to me that no matter what I try to do to affect my life and my feelings about it, the answer is always going to be this horrible life I have now.

 

In the grand scheme of it all being shot down by the banker wouldn't have hurt so much if I had any sort of luck in that department at all. See, this year hasn't just been about the disappointments with Spamboy. No, there's been more and many. This year has been about Spamboy, and how I wish even now, that he could have been everything I wanted him to be. It's been a year of creepy losers who think that the act of having my number gives them license to call me at 5 am the day after we met. It's been about my always complicated relationship with a certain male friend of mine, getting more complicated but still not being my happily ever after. It's been about how sometimes the crush is better than the person actually is, alas ending the "Where's Bert?" game. It been about wondering why people are so much more content to give false hope than to simply say they have other interest. It's been about giving online dating one more try, and finding how truly delusional some people are and wondering when asking about my underwear became such a popular topic. It's been about finding out that despite signs to the contrary some crushes will never be more than that.

 

On top of the rejection on an interpersonal level, I find that I have once again been turned down for a better position.

 

It's the story of my life, really.  I don't know why I have been crying so hard about it for the last three days.

 

Who cares, right? It's not the first guy or job to turn me down, but I've really started to run out of energy to care.

 

You know, maybe those guys that I really don't want to date because well, there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe I just give in. Maybe I just start taking every anti-depressant and anti-psyhotic known to man and just throw in the towel.

 

Seriously, if no one else cares why have I been wasting so much of my time doing just that?

 

No one seems to be able to see why I feel the way I do, and why it is increasingly more painful to get through the day.

 

I hear all these platitudes all the time, but is anyone truly taking the time to imagine what it feels like to be me.

 

Me who worked hard to get through college, but has yet to reap any of the rewards that higher education is supposed to bring. Unless, just the honor of having a student loan to pay off which in that case I've blown. I had to put my loan in forbearance several months ago, because Well, in a war between the student loan payment and necessities, the loan lost.

 

Me who is suffering this horrible financial situation where I have to put loans in forbearance and make the late date the due date. It'd all be easier to swallow if I was squandering my money, but I am not. I don't have cable. My pre-paid cell phone is 5 years old. I don't have DSL or caller-id. I can't remember the last time I bought something that I wanted without agonizing over the decision. My cupboard isn't stocked with oodles of junk and prepackaged food.

 

Me who is tired of seeing everyone around me get married and divorced and have babies and buy houses and go on trips. To be honest, the last relationship I was in where I was told that I was loved... Jordan's dad. That's right folks, it's been nearly ten years since someone in a romantic relationship told me that they loved me. Now, there was Greg a few years ago, down at Boston's. He spent the better part of an evening telling me he loved me and buying me shots, but we all know that doesn't count.

 

Me who is tired of feeling like misery is hard-work's glorious reward. I have done so much for other people over the past 10 years, yet none of it comes back to me. I'm drained. There's nothing left to look forward to in my life. There's nothing worth getting excited about in my life. There is nothing in my life, and no matter how hard I try or don't try, no matter how I tweak the plan, change the direction, whatever, it all always comes back to this same shitty place where I will never be happy...I just wish I knew what I did to ever deserve this so that I could take back.

 

Chewing thru the leather strap...

So rather than dwell on the defeat with A2, I decided that maybe I should just do more asking out or whatever.

 

I emailed A1, I've always had his email address but never used it because there were mitigating circumstances. Alas, I have received a little mailer-daemon that said mailbox has exceed it's limit. All is not lost, it just means that the only way any sort of friendship will develop there is if I go to the Trolley, work or a show. By the time I get time to do that he will have been scooped up.

 

I'm not being negative, it's the truth. He's a very scoopable dish. Hell, who am I kidding he probably has a girlfriend as we speak. Everyone that I am interested in seems to be hooked up in some way, shape, or form. Sigh, again with this back to the drawing board crap. Gets so old, so fast.

 

Is it so much to ask for? Is it so much to want someone to want you back?

 

Night's like these were made for vodka tonics...

 

 

 

 

What Is and What Should Never Be....

So, I asked A2 out. He said no, said he's already got something going on.

Whatever... I should have known.

Sure, there is still A1, but that's like one of those things. I don't doubt that in the short term we'd have a lot of fun, but I want more than that.

I think I am going to close my office door and cry...

What was I thinking believing that just maybe something might swing to my favor?

I guess, it's like the line from the Fall Out Boy song,

"The best part of believe is the lie."

Explaining it all away...

That's what I am doing today, explaining it all away. It's just some funky chemical thing. That's all.

It is peculiar though, the way that seeing someone more than you see your own family or friends can evoke such feelings.

Such infatuation. Such twitterpation. Such a crush I haven't had in sometime.

I'm very nearly on the edge of the verge of the rim of doing something about it. Really I am. It's just difficult. I can't say, "Hey would you like to go for drinks or something?" in a lobby of people. Discretion is the better part of valor, plus it's way less embarrassing to both parties,

The girls I work with think I should call and ask for him, but I still have issue with that since it's just unprofessional.

I'll figure it out. I always do. Until then, I guess I'll use frozen foods as cover to stare wistfully in the general direction of the bank.

Pizza rolls anyone?

Monday, Monday...

Sorry I couldn't come up with anything more creative than that today. I just can't find the mood.

I need to work at least three hours of overtime this pay period to make up for what I was short last pay period. Although, I have to find the motivation to make that happen. I just really don't care about Christmas or paying my bills or having any hope that anything is ever going to be better than it is.

I  had thought that Jordan was not going to be participating in Boar's Head (www.gbgm-umc.org/gracedayton/look.html)  this year. I was really looking forward to doing something else. We have tickets for Blacklight Christmas on Saturday and I had been loosely planning making a day of it, but now it's all shot. Rehearsal and 2 shows on Sunday. Rushing around being stuck doing things I don't want to do with people I don't want to be with and being generally aggrieved.

Speaking of... I seem to be a bit of a black sheep for not going Saturday night to Rubi Girls. They'll get over it, I know I have. In the past I have been very social with my co-workers, but I just can't get into it with these people. There are certain people I work with that I routinely want to beat silly as a matter of principle, so it seems to me that mixing that with alcohol would not be a good idea.

This day seems to be dragging on forever. I wish it was time to go to the bank so I could get the hell out of here for a little while.

A2 works at the bank. Makes it worth it even though we all know I'll never ask him out or anything. Just stare and fantasize.

Sadly sometimes that's more than enough...

I keep thinking I might wake up...

Feeling a bit like I should say something, but I have nothing to say.

The mood is extremely pensive today. Pondering all the same things I always do and then some.

Pensive and melancholy and tired...

Maybe tomorrow will be better...

Walking in big girl shoes...

 

 

I bought these shoes a couple of weeks ago, because well they are freakin' cute and they look great. They sat on display in my bedroom because I didn't think I'd ever  wear them since I don't seem to have occasion to wear fun stuff lately.

I wore them today because damn it cute shoes need worn.

I wore them because being practical gets really old really quick.

I wore them because I wanted people to look at me.

I went to Stiching Post with Lynn in them. I went to CD Connection and Half Price Books. And by god, people looked.

I also went to the Trolley Stop. The good ol' Trolley with it's look and no touch. I'm pretty sure that my Boston's curse transferred over there. Alas, a story for another day.

It was an okay day because I wore the shoes. I told Lynn that I was going to pretend that I was a rock star today, because it's way more fun that being a biller. I like wearing the shoes.

It actually started out kinda, no really not so great, but I managed to turn it all around.

Never made to the Rubi Girls with the people from work, because well, I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I am getting really tired of feeling like I am working on everyone else's time. I want to do what I want to do. More so on days when my family totally disregards my feelings like they did today. I'm too tired to get into it tonight. Proof of the power of the shoes I guess.

It was nice to feel like I had a life today. It was unfortunate that my daughter wasn't at all involved. I'd say it felt like I lost her, but honestly I don't think I ever really had her. I was just in a better financial position to compete, I guess. No one's ever really listening there though, so I'm just going to quit talking.

I just have to make sure I can't break whatever is in kicking distance.

Wax off forever

 

Pat Morita

1932-2005

 

 

And sometimes I write...

...but I never share so I think that needs to change too. After a long, dry spell I seem to be spitting out things again. It's funny to me what sort of things can pull me out of a block. This time it was getting a dinner date canceled on account of he supposedly had a meeting at work. Anywho, might as well put 'em out instead of hiding them in my plethora of notebooks.

 

What you are all missing,

In your insular pursuit

Is the true beauty.

For no matter how successfully

I pull off the illusion of hot,

No matter how luminous I may appear

Going through the motions

Of yet another trite encounter.

It pails in comparison

To the me you never bother

To try to see.

I am a trillion times prettier,

Sunday morning,

Indian tunic, faded denim capris,

Hair akimbo, sorting laundry.

The sleep still clinging to my eyes.

What you are all missing

Is me.

11/6/05

 

You've got it all wrong

 

I've never known you enough

For this to be an obession

Just another ill-timed crush

Another maybe gone wrong

The night we met was amazing,

So much happening without trying.

But so much that could never be.

I hear though, things have changed.

I hear perhaps there is a remote chance

That I could get to know you more.

But the way people talk,

I think I should make it clear.

I don't want to be your Yoko.

I am much more the Mountain Girl type

Or a Kathleen Brennan or

Sharon Fucking Osborne for christ sake.

If I can get you to understand

Then, yes, this is a chance

I am more than willing to take.

11/12/05

 

And one more before I go :)

 

I keep hearing this thing about my heart

About following it

About opening it

About holding it

But it isn't as feasible as it seems

Other people

Other places

Other considerations

There is always something in the way

Follow it

Follow it

Follow it

Ignore the voices whispering in my head

Open it

Open it

Open it

Never knowing will always be worse than never trying

Hold it

Hold it

Hold it

Just don't forget what's important

Follow it

Open it

Hold it

In the end, everything is as it is supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

Black Friday

I was going to work today, so that I could get my hours in because nothing sucks more than a short check at Christmastime. I got up a little before seven and the lights and TV were on in the living room because Jordan fell asleep that way probably not long before I got up. Anyhow, when I went to turn off the TV the weather was on, and Mr. Steve Prinzivalli said that it was 11 degrees. So I didn't go to work. I work way too hard for that place anyway, and there are more important things I could be doing today.

I hate my job. I try not to, I really do but it's just so damn hard. I hate being stuck in my cell all day. It's really more of a sensory deprivation chamber, so it's no wonder I'm bordering on not quite sane anymore. I hate the politics. I hate the whining. I hate being the only one who seems to know what is going on some days. I hate that since I took this job I have ended up in a horribly tight financial situation, uh, because well, I got screwed. Really screwed. Actually, I could have had PTO left for today had I not been so, so, so treated so poorly. Neither here nor there, though.

I have had a request which is rather appropriate as I am talking about work... my resume. Not my real one, but the one I wrote when I was really frustrated with my job search. This resume has actually had more hits then all of my serious resumes combined. And actually, I need to update it, because I need to add my new job and all the bitterness and cynacism that it has filled me with.

Resume Headline: Save me from this quagmire of despair

OBJECTIVE: To find a job that does not suck; to look forward to going into work every morning; to stop wondering if all that money I spent on college wouldn't have been better invested in restoring classic muscle cars or starting an Ebay empire from home.

EXPERIENCE: 10/2001 - Present Physicians Advisory Group Moraine, Ohio
Patient Account Representative

Audit patient accounts in an effort to increase collection activity; Updated patient and guarantor information using hospital database, medifax, and collection agency resources; Contacted insurance companies regarding status of unpaid claims; Contacted guarantors via telephone and/or letter to rectify insurance issues, set up payment arrangements, or other account issues; Process charges and post payments from guarantors and insurance companies; arbitrating inter office quarrels and gossip; first hand experience with what Dante was referring to in the Inferno; Contemplating how I could ended being worse off that before I got my degree; Involuntarily subjected to extreme fanatical religious movements, severe psychosis, and nauseating jingoism; manipulating my production to allow for excessive tardiness, unauthorized breaks, and no less than 17 personal calls a day

8/1996 - 4/2000 Vernon F Glaser & Associates Kettering, Ohio
Team Leader

Coordinated daily input for eight client accounts comprising pediatrics, family practice and physical therapy; Prioritized work load for team in order to ensure timely submission of claims and accurate patient statements; Posted client receipts of insurance and/or patient payments; Processed charges from patient superbills; Filing duplicate explanation of benefits for secondary insurance billings; Provided continuing direct training and support for three team members; Analyzed accounts receivable activity for client accounts and initiated account research and/or collection action as needed; Called insurance companies regarding unpaid claims; Researched returned mail; Attempted to contact guarantors; Served as customer service liaison between our clients and their patients; Created financial spreadsheets to facilitate in fee schedule analysis; Collected and clarified regulatory data from HCFA, Medicare, Medicaid and other third party payors in order to maintain compliance in billing procedures; Responsible for checking subordinates work; Helped co-workers reconcile batch errors due to computation problems, double postings, etc; and a whole bunch of other very useful things that no one ever seems to care about or believe that I did, because they have no concept of medical billing operations; starting incendiary rumors; photocopying body parts and faxing them to the most important clients, usually seconds after one of my reps insults their office staff; making calico beans for every freaking carry-in we ever had because, well, people liked them; ordering endless merchandise from schlocky catalogs aimed at thrifty office clerks

5/1996 - 8/1996 Germantown Drive-thru Germantown, Ohio
Sales Clerk

Fetching beer for rednecks while scantly clad and unusually flirtatious to ensure customer satisfaction and heavy tipping; Memorizing everyone's preferences and greeting them with a six pack of ice cold Bud longnecks, Mikesells Flaming Hot chips, and a pack of Winstons; listening to Jimmy prattle on; Making sure Jimmy's wife thought he just left with a gallon of milk; Informing Jimmy that his wife called again; Laughing manically at all the kids I went to school with being buddy buddy with me just because I had the power to pretend that they were of age

9/1994 - 6/1995 Otterbein College Westerville, Ohio
Costume Shop Assistant

Work-study position in theatre department, usually involved menial sewing task while listening to show tunes and catching up on departmental gossip.

7/1994 - 9/1994 meijer Dayton, Ohio
Cashier

It's Meijer for Christ Sake, no one does any work at Meijer!!!

EDUCATION: Otterbein College US-Ohio-Westerville
Some College Coursework Completed
BFA, Theatre Design/Technology major. Ah, I have such wistful memories of Otterbein, and then there are the things my friends told me I did.

6/2001 Wright State University US-OH-Dayton
Bachelor's Degree

*Relevant Coursework
Sinclair-Principles of Accounting I,II & III, Introduction to Computer Concepts, MS Office, PC Applications in Business, Interpersonal Communications, Effective Speaking I, Personal Ethics, Principles of Management, Management and Organizational Behavior, Marketing I & II, Business Law I & II

Wright State-Business Finance I & II, Personal Finance, Risk & Insurance, Income Tax Accounting I, Business Integrity, Real Estate Principles, Real Money Investing, Retirement Planning & Employee Benefits, Estate Planning, Personal Selling & Sales Management, Real Estate Finance, Seminar in Financial Planning, Practicum in Financial Planning, Marketing Management Lab, Business Writing, Managing Technology & Environment, Strategic Management &Organizational Behavior, Public Policy in the Business Environment
*GPA 3.139
*Graduating from Wright State University completes educational component required to sit for the CFP exam.

Wow, aren't you impressed, all dressed up and no place to go.

3/2000 Sinclair Community College US-OH-Dayton
Associate Degree
Associate of Science, Business Administration

High school was actually harder than most of the classes that I had here.

6/1994 Valley View High School US-OH-Germantown
High School or equivalent

Small rural school where flannel and John Deere caps are always in style. I've blocked most of that out, thank god!


ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: What information really is relevant? I mean, have you ever noticed all the things they tell you not to mention? Do not include anything that reveals age, sex, religion, creed (yeah, I don't think I would mention I liked creed either), marital status, sexual orientation (I must have been absent that day), handicap, religion, boxers, briefs, or penchant for anime. So that pretty much encompasses everything, techically I probably shouldn't even put my name on my resumes or applications because that reveals sex.

Other information? Like it matters, all anyone is really looking for is the most cost effective breathing organism that they can find to fill a desk. If intelligence, knowledge, enthusiasm, or any of that really mattered, then I would have my dream job and I wouldn't be blowing off steam posting all of this.

Desired Salary/Wage: 30,000.00 USD Per Year
Current Career Level: Experienced (Non-Manager)
Years of relevant work experience: 7+ to 10 Years
Date of Availability: From 1 to 3 months
Work Status: US - I am authorized to work in this country for any employer.
Active Security Clearance: No
Target Job: Target Job Title: Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy
Alternate Target Job Title: Anything that leads to mgmt and four weeks vacation
Desired Job Type: EmployeeInternTemporary/Contract/Project
Desired Status: Full-TimePart-Time
Site Location: No Preference
Description of my perfect job: HavingspentthepastseveralyrsinhlthcareA/R,Ibelieveanaturalprogressionwldbeinsclaimsadjudication.However,Ihaveyettoconvinceanycarrier(&UknowwhoUare,havingme driveallovrhell'shalfacre&gettingmyhopesup)ofthisfact.DespiteadegreeinFinSvcs,Ihavenointrstinconvincingpeoplethattheyneed transcendentalafterlifepolicies.Mtg bankingintrstme,butsodoeshavingalife outsideoftheofc.Whatwldbe niceistofindapositionwhereIampdwhatIamworth&myintellect,wit,sarcasm,&abilitytobrewcoffeecanbeappreciated.

Target Company: Company Size: No Preference
Category: Other
My ideal company is: What really sucks about Monster is that you can only have one company category. Very few people are so 1-D that that they can't transfer there skills from Waffle House to Chili's. Geesh! Again, ideal company=no soul sucking suckage.

Well, with that I am off. I have family stuff tonight, and tomorrow I am supposed to be going to see the Rubi Girls at Celebrity with the people I work with. I'm kinda thinking that maybe I should go to the Trolley tomorrow night, too. A1 hangs at the Trolley, and even if he didn't anyone who hits on me at the Rubi Girls probably doesn't have the accessories that I am interested in anyway. I'm going to clean, well, at least that's the plan.

This is a test....

This is just a test of my ability to understand technology. Had it been an actually blog, it would have been way more interesting.

 *
***
Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
"sugar, we're going down"
fall out boy
***
*

Happy Thanksgiving! Well, not that I am completely sure what exactly is happy about it. When I started this I had fully intended to keep up with it, bitch and whine and ponder and cry and laugh on a regular basis, but things get in the way. So much crap, so little Valium. :oP

When last I left the story, I had just broke up with my fancy pants rock 'n roll radio boyfriend. Live and learn, live and learn I guess. Although, should I ever date another Clear Channel Radio employee then I would suppose it is true what they say about once you go hack.

The boyfriend front has been pretty quiet since then. Okay, maybe not quiet but definately lame as hell and frustrating. It does nothing for my self -esteem lately that only desparate psychos seem to want to hook up with me. It doesn't help the cause any either that I am sort of bent on not wasting my time chasing boys.

I've been like that a lot lately. Housecleaning my soul or dejunking my karma or just plain not putting up with people's shit. Lord knows, that people are overflowing with that. It's been a pretty good experience except it isn't getting exactly the result that I want.Damn I want to be happy again. I want to stop wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and why it seems like I am stuck.

I realized that ironically both of my current crushes are named Adam. Ah, a tale of two Adams. Not that anything is going to happen with either of them...

When I first met Adam1 (A1) he was unavailable for dating, which was more than a little disappointing. Smoking hot and easy to talk to what more could I want? Well, not attached would have been good but I moved on. I didn't forget about him, I just chalked it up to things that aren't meant to be. Then suddenly a few weeks ago magic fairies whispered that he just might be single. Ack! How cool is that? No, no, no, has to be a lie. Vicious rumor. So, after a couple of days of trying to ignore that tidbit of info and a few totally neurotic conversations with friends I decided to just be cool and innocently email him. Oh, but then I got up the next morning and decided that email was too open ended. He had told me where he worked, and I had been in there a million times since I met him but he was NEVER there and so I figured that I should just go there and prove to myself that it's all nothing. Just me being silly and girly, but that totally backfired since I walked in and there he was!

Adam2 (A2) is a business associate of sorts. Attractive, smart, just a nice guy that I see fairly often. Ah, but mixing business with pleasure isn't always good. For what it's worth, I think he would be a safe bet. I don't mean that in any bitchy sort of way. Just a fact, I think A2 has far less heartbreak potential than A1.

Adam1 is truly someone that I would like to get to know, but I haven't a clue how to go about it all. We're both busy people. We both work. I've got a kid. He's got a band. And you know, I'd really like to set myself apart from you know the other girls. I just wish I knew how. I just wish something would happen that wasn't initated or orchestrated by moi.

Who am I kidding? It's probably going to go nowhere,but I'm open to suggestions...