If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, December 11, 2005

What me unravel....

Or maybe born under a bad sign would be a better title.
So it seems to me that no matter what I try to do to affect my life and my feelings about it, the answer is always going to be this horrible life I have now.
In the grand scheme of it all being shot down by the banker wouldn't have hurt so much if I had any sort of luck in that department at all. See, this year hasn't just been about the disappointments with Spamboy. No, there's been more and many. This year has been about Spamboy, and how I wish even now, that he could have been everything I wanted him to be. It's been a year of creepy losers who think that the act of having my number gives them license to call me at 5 am the day after we met. It's been about my always complicated relationship with a certain male friend of mine, getting more complicated but still not being my happily ever after. It's been about how sometimes the crush is better than the person actually is, alas ending the "Where's Bert?" game. It been about wondering why people are so much more content to give false hope than to simply say they have other interest. It's been about giving online dating one more try, and finding how truly delusional some people are and wondering when asking about my underwear became such a popular topic. It's been about finding out that despite signs to the contrary some crushes will never be more than that.
On top of the rejection on an interpersonal level, I find that I have once again been turned down for a better position.
It's the story of my life, really.  I don't know why I have been crying so hard about it for the last three days.
Who cares, right? It's not the first guy or job to turn me down, but I've really started to run out of energy to care.
You know, maybe those guys that I really don't want to date because well, there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe I just give in. Maybe I just start taking every anti-depressant and anti-psyhotic known to man and just throw in the towel.
Seriously, if no one else cares why have I been wasting so much of my time doing just that?
No one seems to be able to see why I feel the way I do, and why it is increasingly more painful to get through the day.
I hear all these platitudes all the time, but is anyone truly taking the time to imagine what it feels like to be me.
Me who worked hard to get through college, but has yet to reap any of the rewards that higher education is supposed to bring. Unless, just the honor of having a student loan to pay off which in that case I've blown. I had to put my loan in forbearance several months ago, because Well, in a war between the student loan payment and necessities, the loan lost.
Me who is suffering this horrible financial situation where I have to put loans in forbearance and make the late date the due date. It'd all be easier to swallow if I was squandering my money, but I am not. I don't have cable. My pre-paid cell phone is 5 years old. I don't have DSL or caller-id. I can't remember the last time I bought something that I wanted without agonizing over the decision. My cupboard isn't stocked with oodles of junk and prepackaged food.
Me who is tired of seeing everyone around me get married and divorced and have babies and buy houses and go on trips. To be honest, the last relationship I was in where I was told that I was loved... Jordan's dad. That's right folks, it's been nearly ten years since someone in a romantic relationship told me that they loved me. Now, there was Greg a few years ago, down at Boston's. He spent the better part of an evening telling me he loved me and buying me shots, but we all know that doesn't count.
Me who is tired of feeling like misery is hard-work's glorious reward. I have done so much for other people over the past 10 years, yet none of it comes back to me. I'm drained. There's nothing left to look forward to in my life. There's nothing worth getting excited about in my life. There is nothing in my life, and no matter how hard I try or don't try, no matter how I tweak the plan, change the direction, whatever, it all always comes back to this same shitty place where I will never be happy...I just wish I knew what I did to ever deserve this so that I could take back.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there,
    I just wanted to let you know I to was born under the same sigh. And yeah my luck has been kind of bad. I have done so much for other people in past-yet none of it comes back to me.But I just keep in mind..it could be worse,I'm not sure how but i guess it can be.Maybe.
    Well I just wanted to say hi..and what luck to come across some one, who had the same sigh and was feeling the same way. I understand were you at.