I kid you not, I think I have been crying for three days now.
You know, like all of the sudden Saturday all the rejection of the past several weeks sank, and haven't been able to stop. Just trying to make sense of it all.
I emailed someone that I very nearly went out with recently, but then he decided to up and get a girlfriend before I ever got a chance. That's been odd, but none of it makes me feel better. If anything it makes me feel worse, because their were things going on in his life that I thought it would be best if I didn't put on a full Jenny pursuit. Apparently, I am an idiot and backing off only served to take me out of the running.
He said something about being positive and engaging, and I told him at this point I don't think it is possible without a heavy dose of thorazine and a quick lobotomy.
Honestly, no one has taken a chance on me in the past why should the future be any different? Just because I want it to? If things happened just because I wanted them to, then my house would be clean and I wouldn't be stuck in this nowhere job.
All of my failures are just screaming at me now, and all I can do is cry. I don't know what else to do.
I'm mean it kinda makes me smile a little bit, words from a Green Day song, both the way they are supposed to be and the way I always mis-sing them. I can't remember the song name but the line is "All that's left to do is take the blame." I, however, always sing (and have pretty much always sang) "All that's left to do is date the band."
Alas, if I only had time to do that maybe I'd have half a glimmer of hope left.
But no, not Jenny. Jenny gets nothing. Always has, probably always will unless someone can give me any freakin' insight into why exactly boys don't like me. And god why do I even care?
This is horrible, thick crying. Not so much loud or maudlin, just the kind of tears that even a quick squirt of Visine can't hide.