Oh yeah, oh yeah...

You have not lived until you have wiped down the seats at Fraze Pavilion. Not one or two, but rows and rows...

 

I'm tired.

 

It was quite nice to not think about anything for four hours, tho.

 

Not sure I like it as much as I thought I would, but it was only the first day.

 

Not thinking is good. For nanoseconds today, I found myself pondering the probability that I may be running out of chances. It was a horrible, depressing thought. If I'm lucky I'll be able to drink it away this weekend with one of my favorite drinking buddies. If not, I'll just drink it away myself.

Note to self

STOP watching "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?"!

 

STOP watching Oxygen On-demand!

 

STOP thinking that when you wake up, everything will be magically better!

 

TAKE up kickboxing.

************************

I'm getting better at pushing it all away.

Embracing it all wasn't working.

Although, truthfully, the only real difference is less nausea.

 

I can't even look at him.

 

*Shakes head*

 

Good for me I have to be at my second job @ 6 tomorrow.

Means no time for thinking.

 

My summer predictions:

1. I will still be watching the aforementioned programs

2. Things might get a little better, but only through the power of grain alcohol

3. I will probably lose 10 or more pounds. (I've actually lost 5 in the last 2 weeks and I wasn't even trying. I find I keep forgetting to eat.)

4. The closest I will get to taking up kickboxing is watching UFC.

5. I may collapse of exhaustion in August. (Something like 27 of the 31 days have shows scheduled)

6. I will love my second job making me hate my real job more.

7. Sometime around the end of July, how I really feel will hit me hard and no one will understand. (Bonus if it happens during George Thorogood & the Destroyers)

8. I will finally find how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

9. Jordan will take more steps toward being a horrible teenager, thus adding to my sadness and frustration.

10. I will get sunburned in Florida.

 

 

 

Hypervitaminosis

Or maybe not. No, I'm going to blame the vitamins.

 

I'm enjoying this weird place that I am at. I'm laughing at a lot of people right now. Maniacally laughing. Thinking of self-amusing diabolical plots, like hooking up Rachel and Alice.

 

I'm laughing because I'm reading things that maybe I shouldn't, but as I never promised to stop well. It cracks me up the tone of some people's thoughts. As if I didn't attempt some other way. Must people always insist on underestimating and discounting me. Not that it bothers me considering the source. There's a whole lot to be said here, but it shall have to wait 'til if ever get a new page. Experience tells me that sentences starting with pretentious, pseudo-intellectual slacker always inflame a few emotions.

 

I don't know what the hell I am still doing up at this hour! Sober and calm, no less!

 

It's been a pretty good day all in all. I haven't felt overwhelmingly sad today. Hell, I don't even think I had to yell at Jordan all day. Well, wait, once at my parent's when she was playing human sprinkler with the hose, but that was for her own good.

 

I've had a few weird, random thoughts about him and I. I'm really trying not to think about any of it or I will just end up sad and polishing off the Cuervo and shiraz. MMmmm, colorful. Not real productive, either, come to think of it.

 

Sigh, most of the thoughts have been residual from our conversation yesterday. No details to give, but maybe just some lyrics that I think fit.

 

 

If only light didn't come in the morning.
If only darkness didn't fall at night.
If only you and me had led different lives, baby.
I know that everything would have turned out alright.

If only you.
If only me.
If only you.
If only me.

    -- If Only -- Information Society

In lieu of lecture, we bring you the weather

So, obviously I didn't have trouble sleeping last night....or did I?

 

I dreamt of tornadoes and multiple motorcycle accidents and all sorts of disturbing things. Ah, my friend the tornado!

 

I went through a period, a long time ago that I dreamt of tornadoes with such regularity that I finally broke down and looked up the meaning.

I'm not surprised that I should be dreaming of tornadoes now, as from what I have gathered they signify great emotional upheaval.

 

Hmm, yeah, I think I have a little of that going on here.

 

Probably doesn't help that as I drifted to sleep I was thinking of him.

 

I watched "10 Things I Hate About You" last night, too. (There's something from that movie in something I gave him, so it probably contributed.)

 

It's not just about him and I...all this chaos. 

There's work and Alice the trash talker and my pending trip to Florida and my second job and the kid and of course, money, money, money.

 

I hope that I come back from Florida recharged (or as recharged as you can be spending 5 days with the Mouse and a 10-year old.)

 

I'm still thinking about that want and need thing I mentioned yesterday.

 

There's so much that I have done for myself.

It has been one of the better things to come out of all of this for me.

I don't need anyone to complete me. I don't need anyone to

pay my bills and buy me stuff and take care of me.

 

I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice to have someone with whom to share my burden's, I'm just saying that I'm not going to fall apart without it.

 

I guess for that I shall always lose out on certain things...but I won't be any worse off for it.

Perhaps there is a move in my future...

I didn't realize this but Rachel has been reading my blog all along. Turns out when Rob posted to his LJ or whatever my little dilantin poem, she Googled it to find me. Heh, and she has the nerve to call me insecure.

 

He and I had a long talk to day, a fairly productive talk I might add.

 

I guess one of the things that he has asked her to do is stop reading my blog. (Tell me it's not tempting to get all crazy up in here right now.) I don't think she will. As a matter of fact, one of the things that he and I discussed my complete lack of faith that she will ever change in the ways that he has promised and quit being the needy pain in the ass that she is. Seriously, she's an adult her freakin' former husband shouldn't have to constantly counsel her through what is and isn't appropriate behavior. That was really hard for me, because if I could stop believing that I would have to hire security for my wedding or conversely have my reception interrupted because of some desperate plea for attention on her part, then I might be less reticent about the chances for a future.

 

I feel really horrible because he hasn't been sleeping well, and it's partly my fault. He'll probably sleep worse tonight, because productive doesn't always mean positive. I know my head has been in warp drive since our conversation.

 

To make matters worse, the pool decided to have the MIX station on today...sit in the bathtub and slit your wrist love songs.

 

What did my time at the pool reveal to me? I'm not going share all of it, because a few things were things I shouldn't even be thinking of right now. This seems to have totally escaped a lot of people around me, but I was in a relationship with the prospect of a 15-year old and 15-month old and I was okay with that. (I have had some serious issues with having another kid so close to my "parole" date. "Why would I want to start over if I am almost free?" I would ask.) I have no desire to roll to the next one. Seriously, there are so many times that even before the actual break-up has happened I have multiple rebounds lined up and ready to destroy. I turned off my IM on OKCupid because the first time I got on there after the break-up I was inundated and that's WITHOUT a pic on my profile. Nor have I gone to any number of places that I go to feel better in times like this.

 

There's no quick fix.

 

I'm just super confused that's about the only thing I know with any certainty.

 

And that probably I need to start scouting other locations for my blog.

 

Oh, and that if truly am as insecure and worthless as Rachel makes me out to be, then I would have stayed in a relationship that was hurting me.

 

I'm probably going to have a whole want versus need internal monologue all night. Maybe if sleep eludes me I'll entertain y'all.

Beauty Shop Therapy

It's been an okay day...

I got my haircut today. Definately an interesting trip, was sitting next to a 90-year old woman who honestly didn't look that old and had some great conversations with her and the other ladies in the shop. I kept going back and forth as what I wanted to do with my hair. I've just known for a couple of weeks that I needed to do something with it.

So, are you all ready for this? Ready to see what I decided on? To the right is my humble before pic. Me and my boring hair that I have had forever. I had an idea in my head and I was lucky enough to find a pic that was close to that idea in my head.

Tada! My new 'do. This picture doesn't even do it justice. Is it me or do I look happier in this picture than the other? I don't know, I really like it and that's all that matters. I love shaking my head to feel it all move.

What else is going on? Not a lot, I guess. I bought some wine, but I'm not in the mood to drink it...at least not alone. Played 18 holes at Magic Castle, hahaha with my daughter and my parents.

Oh, and I found out that an ex-friend of mine was talking shit about me to my brother. He didn't give me details but for some reason thought I should know. Poor guy was at work when all this happened. It was kinda sweet he said that had he not been at he would have busted her in the mouth. He said that the guy she was with looked as uncomfortable with the whole situation as he felt. I have no further details, as I asked for none. People create there own karma, yet somehow I take all the blame.

I'm mildly excited. I found out one of my friends is going to be in town soon to go to a wedding. We have mutually agreed that we should hang out, but last time it didn't work out so I'm not holding out too much hope for this time. I always have so much fun with him. Everything has been so shitty that an evening with Chad would be a nice change of pace. I haven't really hung out with him in a long time. Jesus, not counting the five minutes he stopped by last Fall, it's been almost two years.

Apparently, there is still talking to be done. Shrug...best I can tell nine out of ten women surveyed agree that I'm not crazy for feeling this way, and seeing as that tenth one who disagrees is Rachel then it's a resounding Jenny is not being any of the horrible things that she worried she was, etc, etc, who cares.

Gonna watch a bad movie with my kid and eat yummy stuff that's bad for me :)

I hope it doesn't rain so I can air my dirty laundry

This is probably one of those things that I write that I wish would automatically self-destruct after being read.

 

One week has gone by... I'm not going to lie. I am miserable. I miss you.

 

That being said part of me contemplates starting over very soon, before you leave, because I'm not so confident that waiting 'til some other future point will ever materialize. But then there is this whole other avenue filled with a very different opinion.

 

I keep thinking about the way things have gone in the past couple of weeks. I keep coming to the same conclusion. No matter how much I would like it to, it's just not going to work out, is it?

 

I think about how you care enough about her that you wouldn't talk about me playing WoW, but that you couldn't return me the same courtesy. I think about how there were times that I thought we were building our own bubble around us, only to find out that you shared something with her or someone else. In the past week, it's like all I get is reruns in my head.

 

I answered a lot of questions last night, thinking it would make me feel better because... well, you know, the more I answer the truer the score. We went from being a 91% match to a 93% match, and in a ten mile radius, you come up on top. Well, unless I expand the search to 18-99, then there's an 18-year old you beats you. Go me!

 

I guess I just really don't feel like you understand my POV. I mean if the two of you are such great friend's then she would have understood a little neglect while you worked on us. At any rate why should I have to share all my happy moments with someone who couldn't get it right for herself. It's an aspect of things we never really talked about in all this. Like I want my kids to have an "aunt" who insulted their mother's motherhood. Yeah, I guess I will forever hold a grudge about that. I don't know why you told me about that in the first place, because you couple that with the conversation about parasites, and there are no points to be given. I've been extremely lenient in that arena, I didn't then and I won't now say exactly what I think.

 

Do you know what it's like to feel like you always have to be the one compromising? That's been my whole life.

 

I could state and restate everything, it doesn't change anything does it?

 

I'm so very sorry that right now in my life I feel very high maintenance, very needy, very much not feeling like sharing. Sorry about so much these days. I'm sorry that I can't change my own mind, but there hasn't been anything that has happened to tell me it's worth it.

 

I mean even with that whole being told something different. It wasn't a misunderstanding about Thanksgiving, everything you said right there at the moment led me to believe that I wasn't going to have deal with her. Specifically the difference that I was referring to was that you told her that you thought it was best if she didn't contact me until things cooled down, but you told me that you told her under no circumstances (thus to be construed as never) was she to contact me.

 

Is it any wonder I can't stop thinking you care about her more than me?

 

I know it's all futile, because unfortunately it all hinges on me accepting her and I'm sorry that I can't accept that you and your ex-wife are apparently a package deal. It doesn't help when you get all condescending and talk to me like I am five fucking years old like you did when you gave me that whole," I know you don't know anyone who has but...lots of people remain friend's with their ex" as if to say well, let's just not go there.

 

I wish you would have stayed. I wish you would have pleaded with me. I wish at some point in the last two months you would have stopped trying to be so damned diplomatic and just argued with me. I wish you would have done something that made me not feel like I was always going to be on the outside. But you couldn't, you chose to hurt me instead...

 

I wish I had completed that wall before I went to Tank's.

 

Tales from back cell...

Back cell, my office, same diff. This place is only exacerbating some of my
not happy feelings the past couple of days.

For whatever reason, human nature maybe, I have been like replaying damn
near every day of the past three months of my life. Just wondering where I
went wrong, what I could have done differently. Oh it probably doesn't help
that I found some copies of stuff I wrote for the little book I made him.
Just me, saying stuff, but I'd kinda forgotten about it, just me blowing off
steam about her, a reoccurring theme.

And over and over everything I read it's the same. I can't find anywhere
where I ever said that I hated her. Or anywhere that said I was never going
to talk with her ever. I keep finding a whole lot of I could care less about
her. I keep finding a whole lot of me needing time. I realize to that I know
I complained about how horrible it was to be with Brian and have him go on
and on about Kerry. Now I am wondering what it is that I am lacking that--
here it comes again, tears.

I have been in a fairly foul mood most of the morning and it is only like
9am. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to come to work. As a
matter of fact the prospect of spending eight more hours here in solitary
makes me want to slit my wrist. Fortunately for me, my scissors don't even
cut paper. I just wonder when it's all going to change or if I should just
go see my doctor about being heavily medicated for the rest of my life.

So, I get my coffee, come here and I walk in 'n' clock in. Heading back to
my office, one of the receptionist stops me. She bought everybody presents
on her day off, she hands me a pewter, heart-shaped keychain inscribed with
"Dreams". I thanked her, and rushed off to my office so that no one could
see me cry.

Which is what I am doing right now...again! (The fact that The Church "Under
the Milky Way" is playing really doesn't help the situation.)

Shrug, I guess that's what I think for thinking that anything in my life
would change.

Monday...bah

gap·ing   (gpng)
adj.

Deep and wide open: a gaping wound; a gaping hole

 

See also my heart.

Sorry -- Madonna

Je suis désolée
Lo siento
Ik ben droevig
Sono spiacente
Perdóname

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
[repeat]

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories (Listen to your stories)
You're not half the man you'd like to be

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see

Gomen nasais [Japanese. English translation: "I am sorry"]
Mujhe maaf kardo [Hindi. English translation: "Please forgive me"]
Przepraszam [Polish. English translation: "Sorry"]
Sli'kha [Hebrew. English translation: "Forgive me"]
Forgive me...

(Sorry, sorry, sorry)
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
[repeat]

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
(Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I've heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There's more important things than hearing you speak)
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

After midnight, we let it all hang out...

Having spent most of my life as an amorphous shape shifter I find it hard to summarize myself here today. I could write a hundred words that I thought succinctly painted a picture of me, but by the time I was done it would be inaccurate. Or maybe not, because for all the changes I think I have made or gone through my friends still see me...

 

...a broken, unlucky clown of a woman. Everybody's laughingstock. The recipient of all the lies. The holder of a thousand pains that I hope no one else ever knows. Cursed eternally. always on the outside. Never, ever to be that one thing that drives someone to their own sweet madness.

 

One might believe that somebody gets used to sadness when sadness seems constantly taint all aspects of their life. lies, errors of omissions, misrepresentations, half=truths and other schemes they are all the same. what i was led to believe and what I figured out the truth to be, I'm a fool for even thinking for a nanosecond that this was going to last.

 

I'm willing to admit that i may well be completely delusional to think that I'm worth someone's time. I'm soo completely sober right now that all of my thoughts scare me that much more. I've been sitting here thinking about my life and all I have done and all I want to do. I'm thinking about so much that I can't even type fast enough. I'm looking at my past several failed attempts at relationships. The same conclusion keeps popping up, I should have really been a loser. I should have been that annoying, feeble-minded, vapid, clingy girl who needs someone to complete her, fight her battles for her, take care of her, push her around...you know that one, the one who my replacements, my foes, my nemesis always seem to resemble.

 

silly me i was a strong girl and grew into a strong woman. I don't need anyone for any of those things. Not even for wiping these tears from eyes. For that I will eternally find myself single. I'm never alone, I know that. I have a lot of people around me who love me and care about me and I am so grateful that they have all been there for me this week.

 

It would just be so nice if everyone could see me cry tears of joy rather than these same stale, bitter tears that seem to plague me.

Just another day?

Had orientation this morning for my summer job. I'm not scheduled very much during May & June so hopefully it does for me what I hope it does. I'm kinda excited...

 

I feel like shit. Sinuses? Allergies? Plague? Who knows, but it's not fun.

 

I'm kinda bummed out today. I had been loosely planning some activities for tonight, but since Rob & I broke up on Thursday... I know, I know, but still, I'm human.

 

Despite it all I'm feeling pretty optimistic... had my orientation, my parent's bought me a digital camera as a belated mother's day present, I have talked to a whole lot of my friend's this week, and my daughter is cleaning the living room without being asked.

 

I'm rethinking a lot of things.

Now for something completely different...

Today would have been two months, and I'm really sorry that it isn't a happier occasion. All morning I have been thinking about happier stuff, a whole lot has happened in such a short time. It was a hard thing to do, and I wish I had done it differently.

It's not that I never meant anything I said, it's just that apparently I love me more.

I'm just going to play DJ now. For your reading pleasure today, we have "I Want Something More" by Bad Religion, followed by the Dixie Chicks "There's Your Trouble", and ending with Brandi Carlile "Someday Never Comes"

I Want Something More - Bad Religion

  

Going through a world of sad debris,
Regard quixotic reveries of ownership:
The blossoming disease of man called tenure and accretion,
The ancient western treadmill of deception and derision.
But I want something more.
Racing through a life of tragic wastage,
I experience the loss of trust and innocence.
The billowing cyclone of time has blown away our reasons
As we trudge like blind men forward trying to avoid collision.
But I want something...
More.

There's Your Trouble - The Dixie Chicks 

 

Should have been different but
It wasn't different, was
Same old story, dear john, and so long
Should have fit like a glove
Should have fit like a ring
Like a diamond ring
A token of true love
Should have all worked out

But it didn't
She should be here now
But she isn't

Chorus:
There's your trouble, there's your trouble
You keep seeing double with the wrong one
You can't see I love you, you can't see doesn't
But you just keep holding on
There's your trouble

So now you're thinking 'bout
All you're missing -- how
Deep you're sinking, round and round and dragging down
Why don't you cash in your chips
Why don't you call it a loss
Not such a big loss, chalk it up better luck
Could have been true love
But it wasn't
It should all add up
But it doesn't

Repeat chorus

Should have all worked out
But it didn't
She should be here now
But she isn't

Repeat chorus

Someday Never Comes - Brandi Carlile

Dear Love I miss you much
I miss your smile and I miss your touch
But I found a place where I can erase my past
Maybe someday when you're old and gray
And your hair falls out and your tattoos fade
You might see me standing
Hat in hand

I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes

You built your rooms
You built your walls
You kept me outside of it all
I got tired of you
What's a girl to do
Maybe someday if we stay this way
And you see my face in a different place
You'll remember when
You're going to thank me then

I have to go away
I've got no reason to stay here
You said someday you'll change
But even a fool will tell you
Someday never comes

*****

Isn't it funny how even though this is what I want, I still feel like crying?

What ever happened to...

Does anyone remember Toad the Wet Sprocket? Fall Down was just playing here and I was wondering if anyone really remembers them. I'm sure everyone thinks it's the Gin Blossoms when they hear Fall Down. (Not that the Gin Blossoms are bad.)

Wanna know a good Toad song?

In My Ear

Didn't know they were a part of it

I can't tell

It would seem there's a lot that I don't know

Standing with the perfect view

I could not go far enough away from you

I've seen it all before

And know it's only words

Never meant half of the things I said to you

So you know

There's a half that might be true

Hello

I can't hear, it's in my ear

Hello

Have you heard a single word

Hello?

People think I am insane because I am frowning all the time...

So, I am thinking that all of this past couple of weeks isn't going to turn out like planned.

 

Irreparable? Hmm, it's starting to seem that way. If it makes those playing at home feel better, it's me.

 

 

 

To think I almost gave up two of my closest male friends because I didn't want those dynamics to ruin this, but since that sort of thing will never be reciprocated I lifted the self-imposed ban. It's not been without it's critics, but you know I voiced an opinion, a feeling, a discomfort that has repeatedly been ignored.

 

I'll have to go tell Sheryl tomorrow that she was dead-on the other day when she said that he is happy because he is getting everything he wants.

 

Well, was...

 

I should have just gone for a Benchley quote today.

 

Actually, there are probably some pretty fitting one's if I were to move from Robert to his grandson, Peter. Yeah, Jaws quotes...

 

Yeah, Jaws quotes...

Again with the Benchley...

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

-Robert Benchley

 

 

 

 

           

A quote from Mr.Benchley

Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs.

Robert Benchley

In re: me being back

Went to the mall with Sarah which I am sure in someway will be blamed for my current disposition.

Not that it is an entirely noteworthy mood, it pretty much feels like me. No money, no time, it's a pretty endless list which includes getting chided for having communication with someone. It's so funny the way my friends get upset with me for being me.

My thoughts are somewhere between Robert Benchley and physics this morning. It's an unlikely combination I know, but Mr.Benchley is a perpetual thorn in my side and well, as far as physics go I've been wishing I had taken some so I could know if matter does indeed have a propensity to revert to it's natural state.

I don't think I ever really left. I just got distracted.

Heh, distracted, yeah, I definitely need help. I can't even share where my head went on that word.

I'd love to stay and chat, but it turns out people actually read this and well that can cause problems....

Ponderings on stuff...

So, I got an email the other day with the subject line "Yay! The Old Jenny is Back!"

It made me laugh so hard I thought I might pee, but then again I'm getting older so it may have just been age related incontinence.

There has been a song stuck in my head that I can't share. It totally contradicts the words that have been coming out of my mouth.

I need to find an extra $200.00 dollars somewhere before my vacation. I had it. I totally made some bad choices, tho, and now I don't. Hmm...I guess I could add the whopping twenty bucks I'm going to get from orientation and hope that I work a couple of the shows end of May beginning of June. Wouldn't really get me that much closer, tho,, at least I don't think so. I'd have to look at the schedule.

I am supposed to go to the mall tonight with my friend, Sarah. It would be nice to actually not fret about things. I know I am going to have to feed the kid. Hopefully, it won't turn into me (as always) being the bad guy.

I haven't done any grocery shopping. I need to go by myself because the last couple of times others have been with me and I have ended up spending way too much. There is plenty of food at the house, hypothetically no one is going to die. Or suffer any nutritional deficiencies for that matter. I may go crazy from the whining, but really I'm usually pretty close to that place anyway.

There is a quote attributed to Dorothy Parker,"Take care of the luxuries, the necessities will take care of themselves." I wish I could operate that way, everyone else seems to be that way.

I am feeling exactly like I did before, like I did when I decided that I would be better off being an island.

So many people around me are so sucked into lives I can't begin to fathom, and why the hell is there soy milk in my kitchen.

It's like...well...I can't even say...

Well, I don't even know what to type today.

Tallying the votes doesn't even matter, because it's only what I think that matters. The problem is that I don't know what I think anymore.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine.
I'm not ignoring what she said, I'm just not all the excited
to be able to see her point. What's worse is I had a conversation this afternoon that echoes the same sentiment.

Riddled in self-doubt is never a good place to be. Self-doubt complicated by not having an impartial sounding board is by far worse.

So, yes, I had my little bitch fit the other night on here, bemoaning the difference between 6 months and 14 months. Maybe it's more than that, and the fact that I don't know is making me crazy.

Admittedly, I have been purposely distant the past couple of days. It is the best defense mechanism I have right now. How can I talk when I don't know where to begin? How can I make any sort of good decision when my own Eight Ball is pretty hazy?

I feel very, hmmm, overextended lately. I'm not getting things accomplished that I want to. I know sitting here doing this isn't helping but as with words I don't know where to start working. Plus, there is the whole motivating the kid to help me. No energy for arguing today.

Arguing, though, is probably something I should do except for I've got enough of a back-up of aggrevations that once I start I might not be able to stop. I got tired of fighting because fighting never seemed to get me anywhere
but depressed and angry. I just started ignoring everything. But we've all seen the places in this blog where it's abundantly clear that I've got way too much
pent up inside of me.

I should go do laundry today, but the allure of vegetating on the couch is much too strong. I should organize this pile of crap in the corner, but the prospect of what is in there is daunting. So much I should do, always so much I should do, how come there is never time for what I want to do?

The past several days have been so bad for me I have been thinking about going to talk to my doctor. Anxiety through the roof. I used the pulse oximeter at work on three separate occasions at work Friday and never got a reading below 120. That's not really good. Thursday night, I was so bad that I could see my heart beating through my shirt.

I'm having a very hard time feeling optimistic about anything. I have my moments where I'm sure i seem okay but I can pretty much tell you I'm not. Even right now, my chest is burning.

I'm surprised I didn't totally stroke out yesterday morning at Build-A-Bear because I had forgot that my credit card expired and did not, of course, have the new card with me. I had to use my debit card which I didn't want to have to do, because well, I screwed up my checkbook pretty bad & well, I'm pretty much broke 'til my next payday.

If I could just get my head in the game I'd probably be alright. Which game though?

I'm off to the couch...or maybe the fort of blankets behind it.

And another thing....

I'm an idiot. need I say more, really?

I just felt it beared being said aloud.

Feeling like quite a non-winner.  

Why am I NOT the girl who ever gets to brag? Fuck! What's so fucking wrong with me that the universe has permanently made me the geeky kid at school who swears they have this hot date at some other school?

It's no wonder people treat me how they do.

Like I'm some fucking clown they can all pity.

Yeah, whatever.

Woohoo, I am so fucking special. WTF, when did all this happen to me?

If I'm so fucking wonderful then my life wouldn't be this. Somewhere along the line I would have been thrown some cosmic bone, but no I can't be that lucky. Nope I get this fucking odd lots sorta life where nothing is a shiny as it's suppose be and the only one who cares me.

I'm failure at everything I do.

I wonder what my BAC is right now

I whole-heartly lend my endorsement to Yellow Tail Shiraz. One more glass and I will have consumed the entire bottle by meself. MMM good.

So much to blog, but so much that should be said to other people.

The intrinsic problem with my stoicism is that it makes me like this. Fucking crazy.

And somehow not sober.

Who cares?

We all knew I'd end up back here. It's how it goes.

You know what really fucking bothers me? The way he will just say that he has some thing. Like I will say specifically I can't see you because Lynn and I are going to blah blah blah or you know whatever. I guess it's my fault for being that way.

I'm not feeling so great right now, and I don't even know how to express it in intelligible words. There's a big difference between 6 and  14.

Oh wait, I'm sure it's okay that's what I was put here for, right? To stupidly wait for everyone else. I forgot, must be the wine.

Over and over the same thing, how fucking lucky am i?

Going to go shower and finish the bottle buyt not necessarily in that order. . .

Space Case

I am super spacy today. Part of it is tiredness, part of it is boredom, part of it overthinking/worrying, part of it is goopiness.

 

Tired is my own fault. I should have gone to sleep last night, but no, I didn't.

 

Bored is this place and all of it's soul-sucking properties.

 

Overthinking/worrying is what I do apparently. No one thing, just everything at once, because things are somewhat interconnected.

 

Goopy, oh god, where do I even start? I don't think anyone really knows just how bad it has gotten. Wistful sigh...

 

Who can concentrate under these conditions?